Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

I was only a bit worried until I looked back and saw that her last post was 7pm last night!

Fingers crossed she'll let us know she's ok soon 🤞

Hope your ok ❤

Hope you're ok Op.

Yes, keep checking and hoping for an update from the OP. Hope she's ok today.

We are here, supporting from afar. Keep strong.
You do not deserve this treatment, neither do your children.
Hope all is ok. One day at a time.

Really hope you are OK OP. Please do let us know how you're doing when you can. Thinking of you xx

Please let us know how you're doing. We're worried about your safety.

This is one of the most scary threads I've ever read on here. I hope you're ok. You're doing the right thing in exploring your options. The process of waking up to your reality can be a slow and harsh one.

Just posting back to check in. We're all thinking of you OP. We're all very scared for you. So many of us have been there and he sounds dangerous. Genuinely dangerous.

There will be someone nearby who can help. There will.

Thinking of you lass.

Thinking of you OP.

I am ok.

I can't really post tonight but not for any sinister reason. Thank you for worrying, but tonight I am ok. I will try and come back with an update later if I can but DD is having a bad night and she needs me.

I will update tomorrow. I have taken some teeny, tiny steps.

Thanks for the update. Glad to know you are OK and the steps - however small - are all positive.

Take care and keep posting. There is lots of help on here.

No OP, you've taken some enormous steps!! You've woken up, you've started the ball rolling and you're on your way to a new life. You're amazing and you can do this xxxx

You don't owe anyone an update op. You just need to look after yourself and your DC

Oh Wood, I'm so sorry to read your posts, but totally admire you for at least getting to this point. DA/DV can have such a long-lasting impact and you and your poor DC deserve the chance to rebuild. Do this for all of you and for your relationship with them. They need you to advocate for them and be strong for them. They need to look back in years to come and not resent you for staying, because if you do, they will and in some ways more than their F. I understand how overwhelming this all is, but you can get away. You can change your and your DCs futures. I know it needs to be literally one hour at a time for now, but please keep moving forwards. You and your DC deserve to live free from fear. Speaking to school etc means you are one step closer to doing just that. Keep posting and keep moving forwards every hour. Thinking of you xx

Well done OP. Even teeny tiny steps are steps in the right direction. No one said it would be easy but your life (and your DC’s) could be so different in a few months if you keep moving forward. Sending you strength xx

Well done Sweetheart.

Every little step to freedom feels like climbing a mountain. Just keep going. You will get there.

You can’t eat an elephant in one bite - you have to nibble. And that’s exactly what you’re doing x

Re you thinking of it’s domestic violence or not, I will tell you a story. The police were called over an incident in progress. They arrived and the wife had thrown water at her husband during the argument. She was arrested, charged and convicted of assault. As it was her first conviction I do not know what the sentence was but in Canada any domestic assault arrest results in an immediate no contact, no go that person and that persons address.

It was a bit unfortunate as it may have been that the husband was the overall aggressor and she was just at her wits end. She was just the one who did something substantive that day.

He is abusing you and your children. Throwing stuff, breaking it etc is indicative that he will do it to you.

You are doing fantastic in your steps to get out. Keep making them. If he acts out again, please, call the police. Get their help. They will see the signs and help you.

I'm so pleased you are all OK op! Have been worried.

No need to update if you don't want to, just check in and let us know you are ok every now and again 😘😘😘