Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

I am torn about something. I want to talk to the DC. I want to stress to them that this is not a 'dirty secret' and that if they need to talk to someone, they must feel free to do that. That's what I want to do. But it IS a secret and I am terrified that it will open a can of worms. I don't want to aggravate the situation as it might set me back. Maybe I should just sit on it for now and give them lots of love and cuddles. I don't know....

@WoodforTrees Please please please don't think that "love and cuddles" can in any way be a substitute for having open and honest conversations with your children about the situation. My own mum thought that if she just showed me so much love that would be enough in itself - it really really wasn't and although I love her, I resent her so much for not standing up for me and for not having those important discussions. As a child I always thought it was me who had done something wrong and I deserved the behaviour of my dad.

This isn't a dirty secret, the shame is all your horrible husband's and you and your children shouldn't be carrying any of it. You and them should be able to access all the support you can get and to do that I think you need to talk to them properly - obviously in a child-appropriate way. Show them you will protect them and assure them none of this is their fault. And then get out and show them you mean it, once and for all.

Love and cuddles will not be enough, OP, I'm sorry to say. They are children and cannot rationalise like adults.

When my parents or family members hit me, I wasn't able to understand 'the lesson' they were supposedly trying to teach me. All I got from that information was that I was bad, or wrong, and that they hated me.

As an adult, I can understand it rationally now but the terror and the fear still sticks with me. Your children will be subject to his rages and see them as their fault. That you are not doing anything about that will, in their children mind, reinforce the feeling that it's their 'fault' and that you condone the punishment on some level.

They will probably understand it with greater nuance as adults but will have already been damaged by it. They will most likely be anxious, scared, people pleasing people with PTSD. They might have resentment against you for knowing what was happening but not leaving.

This will also be an unconscious model of relationships and conflict resolution. They may be attracted to violent partners as that feels 'safe' or become violent themselves.

It's for the sake of your kids that you need to leave. Their whole adult lives and futures have fallen to your hands. It may not be fair, or right, but this is the situation. You all need safety, rest and therapy

I agree Penguin. I want to tell them to feel free to talk to people about what's happening BUT I am worried that if they do that, someone would (with the best intentions) escalate this without me being able to prepare for outside intervention and that could be a risk factor.

I always acknowledge the behaviour that happens, tell them it's not ok and it's not their fault. I might take it a little further and tell them that I am thinking about ways to change our situation and that it might not be immediate, but this won't continue indefinitely. I don't know...

Tried WA again. No joy. I won't be able to try again today now. I will try tomorrow. Maybe there have been lots of people having shit bank holiday weekends

I do think you can tread a little bit carefully with the children for now, keep it simple. Just for now.
Only until you know what the distance is between yourself and your husband, whether he will face any consequences, etc.
It’s very difficult.
You need to leave first, then ensure your safety from him, then deal with the children.
Too much detail to the children could be fed back to the husband and has the potential to be very inflammatory. This actually places unnecessary responsibility on the kids shoulders, you have to be really careful. What you do not want, is that your children are experiencing the same feelings of walking on eggshells and hypervigilance, and you don’t want them to feel that if they say the wrong thing then daddy could get angry and hurt mummy. First leave. Then seek professional advice re the children. Women’s aid will help you with this.

I agree with keeping it simple for the kids at the moment. You are being very cautious and rightly so.

Well done for speaking to the school; it's a big step in the right direction.

Please keep trying WA.

I am thinking of you and hoping that you manage to get hold of them for some help. You are very brave OP - I know you don't feel it, but you are.

I don’t think you need to forewarn the children until you get to where you need to go. Then you have to say that you found their Dad’s behaviour unacceptable and for now you’d be living apart.
You don’t want to be in a situation where anybody feels threatened, upset, worried or frightened. Just say you have to all work together, the circumstances are tough but it will be better in the future, and be ready to answer any questions fully and honestly when they arise.
And this won’t be all at once.

I don't think it is possible to get through to WA directly any more, do think about leaving your number. You could leave one which isn't traceable to you if it makes you feel safer - friend's mobile, payphone? But you might be right that it will be more busy today as after the BH weekend.

I would not say anything to the children about leaving if you are planning to leave in secret. I know that's horrible. It's just about safety and survival at the minute, it is worse while you're in that limbo.

I wish I could offer you more than just - you are very brave and leaving will be the best choice you’ve ever made.

Good luck by the tonne

Please leave a message with WA

I'm actually terrified for you.

I nearly died at the hands of my ex. This is him. This isn't just alcohol. He is sick and he will eventually kill you.

He will. Call the Samaritans. They put my through to women's aid and I got to a refuge.

Call the police and keep calling them. Being anywhere. In anyone else's home is better than being dead. Please. Strangers can be kind. I left with the clothes on my back. Just go. If I knew where you were I could maybe help.

Calling the Samaritans would be a good idea, i agree

Leave a message on the local one, and ask them to call you only at specified time, they will do this. Can you go to a friends for the day and get them to call you there?

Could you email women’s aid?

Don't tell the kids anything, just get them out of there.

Asking them to keep a secret until ... is asking for trouble and burdening them. Can you go in to the school again at drop off tomorrow and ask to call W.A. from there, explain you haven't been able to get through and are desperate. Could you go to a friend's and leave a message from there so they can call you back on a safe number?

You need to make a plan with them, work out your options and move. You're half way there already but you really do need their help and guidance to keep everyone safe.

I agree with telling the kids as little as possible until you're all safe, its a big secret to burden them with and you don't want them inadvertently blurting things out to DP.

Good luck with WA today hoping you can get through.

Good morning woods. How was your evening?

Wow OP he sounds awful. He sounds ill. Good you have somewhere to go though - can you borrow the money at all for plumber?

Hoping you are ok OP?

Although I'm around 60 miles from London, I will happily be your 'friend' and check in on you if you need me too? I don't have room to house you, but I can be at the end of a phone if you need me to be.

Much love OP, you can do this x

Keep us posted so we at least know you and your DC are safe 😘

Just checking in and hoping you are ok. Hoping you've managed to get through to W.A today

this is the kind of step that would trigger an outpouring of rage from H. Because he would consider this to be shameful and overly dramatic

This is how much control he has over you! Fuck what he thinks! If it gets you and DC out and somewhere safe then DO IT.

It doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the midst of it though greenfingers .When you feel as though you’re up against someone who has the potential to flip, even kill, you’re horribly aware of the lack of compliance they could have with authorities. Lots of these men feel they’re above the law and sadly poor provision for sufferers of domestic violence means that often, they are.
Often when there is no physical assault and sketchy record of abusive incidents , there will be no charge.
Mumsnet loves to believe that calling WA is a panacea, and they are good, but they are struggling under demand and limited funding.
The new coercive control guidelines are effective only when there is provision for women after they’ve reported.
It’s not a case of report him and he goes to jail/ never does it again. If only !

I find long threads of this nature terrifying, reading them is like have an impending sense of doom unfurl in front of you.

OP I am genuinely fearful for your safety, please contact WA. Leave a message tell them if a man answers your phone they must hang up. They'll almost certainly be calling from a withheld number. You can request this too. They'll understand.

Let us know you are safe op 💐

Is anyone else concerned there has been nothing from OP today?

Although (thankfully) I have never been in this situation, I read this thread and it has genuinely terrified me to my very core.

I'm a little worried too, but hoping the OP just doesn't have hassle-free access to the internet for a bit.