As the title and my username suggests, it would seem that the sole purpose I was put on this earth is to be used as a punchbag for angry men. Emotionally, physically and sexually. I’m not even joking when I say that almost every man I’ve met has either hit me, raped me or at the very list been extremely verbally abusive to me.
It starts with my own dad, who is an alcoholic. He used to whack me a lot as a kid - especially when coming down from a few drinks. We are on civil terms now but my childhood was sometimes scary to the point when even now, if I accidentally spill a drink I flinch even though I haven’t lived with him for 2 decades. I was then sexually abused by a different male relative (extended family) for years - that was all swept under the carpet and that side of the family no longer speaks to me (and make snide comments to other family members about me). Even though what I told them was admitted by my abuser, they still chose to side with him and I have been shunned from family events ever since. Don’t even know if I’ll be invited to my Nan’s funeral when she goes. I guess he had more “worth” or currency within the family than me so he’s still head of the table.
I then went on to be quite promiscuous as a teenager (textbook apparently). This led to me being taken advantage of and eventually gang raped at 15 (during a period of homelessness). I then met the father of my oldest DC at 16 and we had a volatile relationship which culminated in me having DS1 at age 18. I split from his dad 5 months later as he was being violent with me, although no sexually abuse in that relationship. I actually stepped up and became quite a good little mum, despite circumstances, I was besotted with my DS and did pretty well. DS1’s dad was never properly bonded with DS and has always done the bare minimum for him, but his parents were decent.
Shortly after, I met the father of my younger two DC’s. I thought he was the real deal and he was great with my oldest son. Although we didn’t live together for a long time, so my son was still primarily raised be me. We were together many years and after a decade and eventually setting up home, had two more children together. But he became verbally abusive towards me. He then became addicted to drink and drugs so I left him in 2014/15. He randomly beat me up 6 months ago (after already being split up for a few years) - luckily none of the children witnessed this - but he was arrested and barred from my house. He still sees them, but supervised by his mum.
Since then, having been single 4/5 years now, I’ve had a couple of brief relationships. One stalked me and threatened me.The other raped me. Again. So I’m celibate by choice and it’s staying that way. I should point out that my kids never met these men nor did they even know of their existence. They never witnessed any abuse from any of my relationships. And I ended all relationships almost immediately after the bad behaviour started or straight after an “incident” took place. So I did the right thing each time.
This brings me to today; my DS1 is now in year 12, studying for Alevels. He was always a lovely boy - shy, sweet and a straight A student. I’ve always been very proud of him. But recently, his school work has dropped off, he’s become more angry and reclusive, addicted to his phone and to top it off, has started being aggressive with me and the younger kids. Pushing, shoving - small hits. He stood above me whilst I was in bed on Friday night, looming over me (he’s 6ft 3”) and threatening to beat me up, calling me a cunt and worthless/incompetent - screaming at me to shut up, etc. I was so scared. He eventually went to his room and slammed the door. The next morning he wasn’t even remorseful and told me that I deserved it (for moving 2 of his coins that I had just given him myself)! He said it took everything in him not to punch me in the face because he hates me so much. He then went off to his nan’s for the weekend for a prearranged event. He’s not back yet.
The younger kids were (still are) thankfully at their dads this weekend so didn’t witness it (although he has pushed and shoved them a couple of times recently for being “too noisy”). But this obviously can’t continue - it’s just next to impossible to access help when it’s your own kid abusing you rather than an ex partner. I have been to the doctors with him 7 weeks ago to talk about referring him to CAHMS or other services as I felt he needed support. The doctor said we’d be receiving a referral letter in a fortnight but I’ve had nothing off them yet. Getting him to agree to go back is going to be very hard - especially as they clearly don’t want to know.
I know partially why my son is behaving like this; he and his father had a terrible argument 13 months ago that has resulted in his dad ignoring him pretty much since then. He only sees him at family parties which there’s been about 4 of since then. They are civil in front of family but don’t talk in between times. He sees more of his grandparents which is nice, but that all goes through me instead. His dad has 3 more kids with his current partner (who is lovely) that he dotes on and treats a lot better. By comparison, my DS was never given a key to their house when they moved locally and now he no longer has a room there anymore. He missed DS1’s entire exams last year, his prom and his birthday because he wasn’t speaking to him, horrible man. DS1 must feel so rejected it breaks my heart. His dad blames me (even though I wasn’t there for the original argument and have always encouraged contact with them). The man hates my guts and calls me all sorts of shit. So I can understand why my DS is torn - he doesn’t like his dads behaviour, but also doesn’t get why both my long-term partners despised me so much that they’ve gone to lengths they have against me. He brings this up a lot, mocking me for being single and saying “you can’t keep a relationship - there’s something wrong with you”. So even though I treat my son well, he is suspicious of why men treat me so badly - so much so that he’s decided to throw his lot in with them and treat me the same way. And he’s got a point hasn’t he? Why does every man in my life treat me with violence and contempt? What’s wrong with ME? It can’t just be sheer bad luck after all this time - I’m the common denominator!!!
The problem MUST be me. I just don’t know why. If I did I would fix it. I’m a kind person - patient, don’t easily lose my rag much. Will stand up for things if I think that are very wrong though. But not so opinionated that I’m winding people up. I seem to annoy men just by breathing! Even after being hurt by them, some have admitted that I didn’t do anything specifically wrong - they just hate me. And now my wonderful son is becoming just like them. Despite never witnessing it outright because of my quick action!!! Is it in his DNA? I’m totally broken by all this - I really do think that I’d be better off binning my car into a tree and ending it all, as I don’t have the capacity to fix this. And let’s face it, with my history - it’s not looking good for the future for me or my kids is it? How long before my younger two start behaving this way? Or ending up with others that do?
I wish I could help them but I don’t know how. I feel so sad and scared for their future. I didn’t set out to raise yet another violent misogynist and did everything I could to avoid it. But somehow, because of the men’s bad behaviour it’s happened anyway. And there’s nothing I can do to control it. I also feel so utterly betrayed by my oldest son. I’ve raised him and done everything in my power for him to have a good life where his dad hasn’t bothered much. And whilst he knows his dad is a tosser, he’s decided to take it all out on me anyway. Just like everybody else. 😞
Like I said before: human punching bag.
Sorry for the endless rant and feeling sorry for myself - I don’t have enough energy left in me to have hope any more - it’s all getting too much. Having very dodgy thoughts of “shall I just end it?” or at the very least handing my kids over to someone else so they at least stand half a chance.