Human punching bag

[humanpunchbag]

As the title and my username suggests, it would seem that the sole purpose I was put on this earth is to be used as a punchbag for angry men. Emotionally, physically and sexually. I’m not even joking when I say that almost every man I’ve met has either hit me, raped me or at the very list been extremely verbally abusive to me.

It starts with my own dad, who is an alcoholic. He used to whack me a lot as a kid - especially when coming down from a few drinks. We are on civil terms now but my childhood was sometimes scary to the point when even now, if I accidentally spill a drink I flinch even though I haven’t lived with him for 2 decades. I was then sexually abused by a different male relative (extended family) for years - that was all swept under the carpet and that side of the family no longer speaks to me (and make snide comments to other family members about me). Even though what I told them was admitted by my abuser, they still chose to side with him and I have been shunned from family events ever since. Don’t even know if I’ll be invited to my Nan’s funeral when she goes. I guess he had more “worth” or currency within the family than me so he’s still head of the table.

I then went on to be quite promiscuous as a teenager (textbook apparently). This led to me being taken advantage of and eventually gang raped at 15 (during a period of homelessness). I then met the father of my oldest DC at 16 and we had a volatile relationship which culminated in me having DS1 at age 18. I split from his dad 5 months later as he was being violent with me, although no sexually abuse in that relationship. I actually stepped up and became quite a good little mum, despite circumstances, I was besotted with my DS and did pretty well. DS1’s dad was never properly bonded with DS and has always done the bare minimum for him, but his parents were decent.

Shortly after, I met the father of my younger two DC’s. I thought he was the real deal and he was great with my oldest son. Although we didn’t live together for a long time, so my son was still primarily raised be me. We were together many years and after a decade and eventually setting up home, had two more children together. But he became verbally abusive towards me. He then became addicted to drink and drugs so I left him in 2014/15. He randomly beat me up 6 months ago (after already being split up for a few years) - luckily none of the children witnessed this - but he was arrested and barred from my house. He still sees them, but supervised by his mum.

Since then, having been single 4/5 years now, I’ve had a couple of brief relationships. One stalked me and threatened me.The other raped me. Again. So I’m celibate by choice and it’s staying that way. I should point out that my kids never met these men nor did they even know of their existence. They never witnessed any abuse from any of my relationships. And I ended all relationships almost immediately after the bad behaviour started or straight after an “incident” took place. So I did the right thing each time.

This brings me to today; my DS1 is now in year 12, studying for Alevels. He was always a lovely boy - shy, sweet and a straight A student. I’ve always been very proud of him. But recently, his school work has dropped off, he’s become more angry and reclusive, addicted to his phone and to top it off, has started being aggressive with me and the younger kids. Pushing, shoving - small hits. He stood above me whilst I was in bed on Friday night, looming over me (he’s 6ft 3”) and threatening to beat me up, calling me a cunt and worthless/incompetent - screaming at me to shut up, etc. I was so scared. He eventually went to his room and slammed the door. The next morning he wasn’t even remorseful and told me that I deserved it (for moving 2 of his coins that I had just given him myself)! He said it took everything in him not to punch me in the face because he hates me so much. He then went off to his nan’s for the weekend for a prearranged event. He’s not back yet.

The younger kids were (still are) thankfully at their dads this weekend so didn’t witness it (although he has pushed and shoved them a couple of times recently for being “too noisy”). But this obviously can’t continue - it’s just next to impossible to access help when it’s your own kid abusing you rather than an ex partner. I have been to the doctors with him 7 weeks ago to talk about referring him to CAHMS or other services as I felt he needed support. The doctor said we’d be receiving a referral letter in a fortnight but I’ve had nothing off them yet. Getting him to agree to go back is going to be very hard - especially as they clearly don’t want to know.

I know partially why my son is behaving like this; he and his father had a terrible argument 13 months ago that has resulted in his dad ignoring him pretty much since then. He only sees him at family parties which there’s been about 4 of since then. They are civil in front of family but don’t talk in between times. He sees more of his grandparents which is nice, but that all goes through me instead. His dad has 3 more kids with his current partner (who is lovely) that he dotes on and treats a lot better. By comparison, my DS was never given a key to their house when they moved locally and now he no longer has a room there anymore. He missed DS1’s entire exams last year, his prom and his birthday because he wasn’t speaking to him, horrible man. DS1 must feel so rejected it breaks my heart. His dad blames me (even though I wasn’t there for the original argument and have always encouraged contact with them). The man hates my guts and calls me all sorts of shit. So I can understand why my DS is torn - he doesn’t like his dads behaviour, but also doesn’t get why both my long-term partners despised me so much that they’ve gone to lengths they have against me. He brings this up a lot, mocking me for being single and saying “you can’t keep a relationship - there’s something wrong with you”. So even though I treat my son well, he is suspicious of why men treat me so badly - so much so that he’s decided to throw his lot in with them and treat me the same way. And he’s got a point hasn’t he? Why does every man in my life treat me with violence and contempt? What’s wrong with ME? It can’t just be sheer bad luck after all this time - I’m the common denominator!!!

The problem MUST be me. I just don’t know why. If I did I would fix it. I’m a kind person - patient, don’t easily lose my rag much. Will stand up for things if I think that are very wrong though. But not so opinionated that I’m winding people up. I seem to annoy men just by breathing! Even after being hurt by them, some have admitted that I didn’t do anything specifically wrong - they just hate me. And now my wonderful son is becoming just like them. Despite never witnessing it outright because of my quick action!!! Is it in his DNA? I’m totally broken by all this - I really do think that I’d be better off binning my car into a tree and ending it all, as I don’t have the capacity to fix this. And let’s face it, with my history - it’s not looking good for the future for me or my kids is it? How long before my younger two start behaving this way? Or ending up with others that do?

I wish I could help them but I don’t know how. I feel so sad and scared for their future. I didn’t set out to raise yet another violent misogynist and did everything I could to avoid it. But somehow, because of the men’s bad behaviour it’s happened anyway. And there’s nothing I can do to control it. I also feel so utterly betrayed by my oldest son. I’ve raised him and done everything in my power for him to have a good life where his dad hasn’t bothered much. And whilst he knows his dad is a tosser, he’s decided to take it all out on me anyway. Just like everybody else. 😞

Like I said before: human punching bag.

Sorry for the endless rant and feeling sorry for myself - I don’t have enough energy left in me to have hope any more - it’s all getting too much. Having very dodgy thoughts of “shall I just end it?” or at the very least handing my kids over to someone else so they at least stand half a chance.

It sounds terrifying, especially as you can't walk away from your child in the same way as you can a partner.

Can anyone say what social services would do/say if the OP refused to have him back from his gran's house?

@LexMitior this is quite recent with my son - only since the beginning of the year really. If this had been a partner of mine behaving like this, they'd have been gone immediately and in fact I have been consistent on that every time. But it's much more difficult when it's your own kid - there's a lot less resources for this kind of thing. I have approached the GP for help already (in March) as I said before and I'm still waiting to hear back.

There's the added thing of him not yet being an adult or having anyone who could feasibly take him in. It's so unbelievably tricky. I could always call the police or ask for him to go into care. But once I've burnt that bridge then that's the ultimate failure and breakdown of everything isn't it? How could he ever recover from all that - a criminal record before he's even gone out into the world (whether or not he deserves it, which he possibly doesn't at this point as he hasn't properly hurt anyone - yet). From the outside it looks so easy - just turf him out and problem solved. But what about the little boy who has been failed by his parents and rejected by his dad? If I reject him too then it'll probably prove to him that he's so unworthy of love that both his parents don't want him and then - voila - the cycle continues. I want him to get help but I don't know how possible a good outcome will be st this point.

I don't doubt that my son has stopped loving me now. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to deal with that? I still love him although I don't like his behaviour. With that said, my younger two children do not need to be around this atmosphere. Most of the time it's calm. But he's had 4 blow ups (one a month) since the start of the year and they've witness 2 of them. That's 2 too many.

Freedom programme, some areas have one that's more intensive too
Also Al-anon or Coda might be helpful to you
Melody Beattie books

Good luck

This gave me goosebumps.
I’m so sorry OP please seek help

I’m sure it’s horrible. But he is not a little boy anymore. If he was let down, that happened over years and years. I’m sorry for you, because it sounds unbearable, but I think you know this is an expression of what he thinks it is to be a man, because that is what he will be in a year. And he is trying it out on you because of his anger, which will dominate you and your other children. So you must ask yourself, has the cycle already turned? Because that is what it looks like?

Let’s get something clear - your son as you know could already be arrested. He sees no consequence to what he does. You are the punching bag already, as you say. So do you think your other children won’t notice? They do.

They don’t need to be there with your son. All they need to do is watch your state after it happens. You sound terrified. The only way to stop it is to prevent it, and work on you. That way your younger children have a chance.

Punchbag, counselling will only go so deep. Its therapy where you really see a difference for deep rooted problems such as these.

I've had both and counselling was just scratching the surface really. It can help you deal with how you feel about negative things. Therapy actually stopped the negative things from occurring, that's the difference. It was totally transformative.

Please don't confuse counselling with therapy, they are not the same.

@LexMitior that's definitely what I worry about. He's definitely at the "trying it out" stage at the minute, with the verbal abuse and threats and the odd push. But the "trying it out" stage is still far too far for me I'm afraid as it could only ever escalate from here. I need to nip it in the bud but I'm not entirely sure how. Yes I worry that he will feel so betrayed that not only will it put an end to ever recovering our relationship but even worse, damage him so badly that he continues this pattern with others. Majority rules so the little ones have to come first.

It's weird because he's a relatively decent human being for the best part of the month, but will spend a couple of days snapping a bit and then have a real blow up (normally at me) and then calm down. He's surprisingly capable of good introspection and honesty of his faults for someone his age but he seems so thoroughly determined to try and shut off these qualities this time so he can indulge in his tantrums and blame me to justify it. There's usually some improvement in behaviour and motivation after he's been a shit. But I just want to know WHY. What's changed? Both his father figures have disappointed him - he admits that gets to him. But sadly he's decided that I'm the common denominator (without knowing all the other stuff I went through!) and thus the men must be justified in treating me like crap so as it's easier, he's going to take it out on me too. But he's right - I am the common denominator! At some point, all the men have abused me will have had that thought in their head and run with it. It's crushing to be a person that brings out the worst in others when I genuinely only want the best for them. I'm not a witch to them - I literally just go quietly about my life so I don't get it?

@RussellSprout I had the EMDR but is there a way requesting a specific type of therapy and do you think it would be available on the NHS? Sadly as a single parent I have no spare cash to go private. I'm thinking that at this point the only way I might be able to get anyone to listen to us and give us some help, would be to phone up SS and tell them to take the kids into care! I don't think anyone is going to take any notice if I don't act a bit drastically - they haven't thus far!

It is the cry of men all over the world “she made me do it”. By even giving it headspace you make it a truth to them.

It’s easier for them to blame you. You have to reject that idea, not just chuck them out. Your posts sound as if you believe that it is you.

Truth is, you ignore your instincts to preserve yourself and go for their grotty myth. And that attracts predatory, cruel men. Believe in yourself, not their cruel stories.

Can your son live with relatives, even if it means changing schools?

I wouldn't judge you, but it's not about me or anyone else - how you feel about yourself is the key in life. You have had a lifetime of abuse so you may not understand that, that is where therapy comes in.

Your son's situation is the urgent one to deal with her. He has already started on the abusive path - picked it up from the people around him - and needs to be corrected. You don't have the tools to do that yourself, is apparent here. There needs to be some intervention, some circuit breaker, some big change here

And your younger kids have been witness to his rages. They now know that they will get away with it - life will carry on normally under your roof. The longer he is there and acting like this without consequence, the more all your kids will learn that this is acceptable. I would be extremely scared for my safety if I were you. This needs more than a GP. Please call Women's Aid

@LexMitior you could be absolutely right there. It's virtually impossible to not start blaming yourself when it's happened so, so many times. Only natural to turn on yourself and think "what the hell am I doing wrong to attract these bastards into my world and how do I stop it?!" But I suppose when all is said and done I'm handing them the opportunity to be abusive on a plate just by them realising I'm an easy target due to my past. And also that I'm willing to own my shit! Easier to manipulate I think. That's why I won't be getting involved with another man for the foreseeable future, if ever. And if I ever did, it would a) be when my younger two had grown up and b) I would never tell him about my shitty past. Just in case. I know it's bad to hide things but I think once the know, that's the turning point. So no way, never again. Dating is not my priority though - my son is. And my younger two DC. This is a very fine line to walk but I think I will say to him when he gets back that this will be the last few days of him living here if he doesn't adhere to my wishes of going to the GP, etc. Otherwise I'm going to ring around for alternatives for him.

I will try not to buy into these bad men's opinions and keep looking for help.

HPB the therapy I had was cognitive analytical, initially on the NHS then carried on private.

It's hard to get it on the NHS even harder now I would think but you could try. Sadly like many forms of treatment these days the NHS cannot fund everyone who wants it and if you don't have the means to go private you're screwed.

There is a book on Amazon called change for the better which is a layman's guide to this kind of therapy and useful self help manual you could maybe try that as a starting point?

Please understand that the single best thing you could do for your children is to get therapy so you understand and believe that these men test you like mad so that you are safe repository for their hatred. It’s not you, it’s their will to be brutish and cruel rather than be better, good human beings.

You can ditch your name, but you have to believe you are worthy of a new one.

Thank you @AsleepAllDay - I think I will speak to Women's Aid, although I'm guessing it'll be Tuesday now (after the bank holiday and when they're back at school). I am scared to tell him that I'll be speaking with his head of year as well as I know his reaction to that will be much worse than asking him to speak to the doctor. But perhaps his school might have some other ways to help that I haven't thought of?

Sadly there's no one really close enough that he could stay with to enable him to stay at his current school, halfway through his a-level course. (That's assuming that they'd be willing to take him full time, which I'm not sure they would). He loves his school and doesn't want to move. I'm not sure if I can overrule a 17 year old like that or if it's even sensible! I would like him to be in a mixed setting rather than all boys as I think working alongside some young women would hopefully improve his attitude and respect towards me and the little ones. At the moment he is a little wary of girls I think - there very mysterious so he needs more exposure, rather than reading some of the deeply misogynistic shit that gets posted on Reddit or whatever. His knowledge of women so far is me, his sister and a couple of teachers - the rest is all theoretical, from the internet! With that said, it's not a magic cure - I think he needs deeper help than that.

@RussellSprout thank you I will look for the book on cognitive analytical on Amazon right now, much appreciated!

Sadly, I don't have the money to go private but I do live in an area which is generally fortunate with the whole NHS postcode lottery thing, so the services are good. I hope that because we're dealing with a child too, they might be more forthcoming if I push harder. I want to know if they've lost our original referral from March as they said 2 weeks and it's been 7!!!

Abuse is a vicious cycle OP. I hope you find the help you need. You seem very strong.

Oh, OP, you have had a lifetime of being surrounded by some awful people! Don't let their warped thinking into your head. I'm sure that your son's contact with his dad has affected his beliefs and attitudes towards women in general - it is not you.

Talk to Women's Aid, see if they have any advice. Talk to his school - I presume there's a lot of male teachers there. They will understand the dynamics and if they talk to him, he may listen.

I don't know where he can go, though. Could the police come and talk to him, without it being recorded?

@LexMitior yes you have it right again. I feel like a living, breathing toilet that these people find it acceptable to take a dump on whenever they feel like it. Men take my kindness for weakness and are unbelievably out when I say "actually, this is not okay with me - I'm going". Then I become "she who must be punished" for daring to step out of line and not be available 24/7 to lunch/rape/blame/call names/etc. It's ridiculous really - they must know on some level that they're bang out of order (my 2nd seems to but only when he's sober). Still, they can't seem to stop themselves sadly. I've got it into my head that I must be well annoying. But perhaps I was just too supportive in the first place?

I hope the therapy helps me to stop being a target but not become to bitter and hardened at the same time. But more than that I hope my son gets help that makes him reject the abusive path. 🙏🏻

Thank you to everyone in this thread for you kind words by the way. It's good to be able to come and breath it out on here before I have to properly tackle this in the real world...x

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I would love it if a bobby could come and have a word with him without it going on record, but sadly I think the police are probably too overstretched for that!!!

I guess it all depends on his reaction when he gets back here later - still not back yet, I will update on how the talk goes...

You are his safe place. That's why he is letting all his feelings out at you.

Like you said, you need to tell him that his days are numbered in this house unless he comes to the GP with you and any other intervention that you need. Call Women's Aid and be honest about the situation. Talk to his head of year. If he has to move schools to stay with relatives, then so be it. The worst comes to it, there are resits.

Look at the situation today: he shoves you, calls you a cunt and that he wants to punch you. He is modelling behaviour from his dad and other men in your life. It is happening once a month and shows no sign of stopping. Your other, younger, more impressionable kids are watching and listening and learning

You have to get him out. This will only get worse. He is getting bigger. He will assault you, or worse. He knows there are no consequences of acting like this. He doesn't respect you and his violent tendencies have already started.

You're already scared to tell him that you're talking to his head of year. I'm sorry, but nobody should be scared of a 17 year old boy. You say that you don't think you can 'overrule' him

Please summon all the strength and backbone to address this issue. It sounds like it is when and not if he will turn more violent. You could be seriously injured or worse.

Your kids need you, all of them. It's not that you 'made' people do this but it's the environment you have felt most comfortable with which is why every man you choose to be with is violent.

My mistake, it's cognitive analytic therapy, HPB.

There is a website called ACAT, Google it.

Hope it helps.