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Original poster

Thoughts Please - Am I losing the plot or is he reverting to type?

82 replies

onestepahead · 05/05/2019 10:36

I have been with DP for 12+ years. There is history of him being emotionally abusive (for context this was severe, also involved money and for me had lasting consequences). Around 7 years ago all came to a head and we separated. A year or so later we regained contact and he spoke at length about how sorry he was, attributed the EA to his unmanaged mental health issues and lifelong difficulty with self identity and told me that if I was to give him one more chance he would spend the rest of his life demonstrating that he was no longer that person... you get the general idea. Needless to say he was fairly convincing.

Now, we are 5 years on and whilst he has undoubtedly done some work on himself and is to an extent outwardly unrecognisable from the person he was in those early days - and I have put a lot of effort in to the relationship, and trusting him, I am beginning to get the sense of an undercurrent.

Todays example has left me questioning various events of the past few years and feeling very uneasy. However I am not sure if at this point I am over analysing. I am sure that written down this is going to look ridiculous but please bear with me.

I had left a sandwich in the fridge for DP to take to work. I was going to put something else on it (as it needed using up). He is stood next to me as I open the fridge. The sandwich has gone. I am having a look to check it hasn't moved and he makes a point of noting what I am doing. I ask him if he has seen/ moved/ eaten the sandwich. He says, no, what sandwich. I explain that I had left one in the fridge. He looks bemused and assures me that he has not seen it. I have been unwell with pain and for a second actually wondered if I was imagining having made the sandwich. I calmly said, well it was there and now it is not so you must have seen it. I walk away into another room and after a moment he says that the sandwich is in his bag and follows this up with a laugh and ' your face then'.

I stay in another room and before he leaves for work he comes to say goodbye and tells me he hasn't woken up yet. My internal response was that he was still awake enough to play mind games. Am I losing it?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/05/2019 10:45

Reverting to type.
You mention little things over the years.
He has probably been playing around with slightly different ways to abuse you and sticking with the ones that don't look like causing you to leave him.

Today he tried this, saw that he'd pushed you too far and so tried to say he was just still asleep. He's still abusive, probably always was, time to leave.

category12 · 05/05/2019 10:53

Wow, that's pretty much a text book example of gas-lighting.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2019 10:57

What are you getting out of this relationship?. Your boundaries, already likely poor to begin with, are being further damaged by this man. You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You now need to get away from your abuser permanently. He has not changed fundamentally in all the years you have known him and your relationship is over.

He is reverting to type and this is who he really is. And now he is gaslighting you to boot; that is a form of psychological abuse. Womens Aid are certainly worth contacting here and you need to plan your exit from this with care because he will not let go of you easily.

Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 10:59

Thanks @PicsInRed. I was considering sending him a message pulling him up on today's scenario but thought better of it.

The small things I referred to actually aren't that small, however I had previously given him the benefit of the doubt and attributed them to his MH.

I would hazard a guess that his thought processes haven't changed all that much, he has just got better at hiding things.

OP posts:
Skiptheskip · 05/05/2019 11:01

You saved yourself by disengaging there. He was getting no real reaction so turns it into a joke. He knew exactly what he was doing. He’s changing the abuse to see what works now.

MulticolourMophead · 05/05/2019 11:06

My ex could be like this. So glad I'm not with him now. I'd say it's time to end the relationship, I don't think it'll get any better and may get worse.

Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 11:16

Sorry cross post there. Thank you for the replies. You are right Category12, it is text book gaslighting. At this time I am pleased to say that my boundaries are clear and well in tact. This man is the only 'mistake' that I have ever let into my life and off the back of this I have learned a lot. Since last year getting the sense that all was not as it seemed I have emotionally detached myself from the 'relationship' and begun to get things in order to leave.

What has been tricky is that he also has BPD, meaning that there is always a bit an overlap in behaviours. Hence, I have previously given the benefit of the doubt where I now recognise that there was none.

It seems that when it is something this insidious people never really change do they.

OP posts:
PabloTescobar · 05/05/2019 11:25

All those little things, so apparently small that you will be hard pushed to remember them in a week or two. Start keeping a diary of them and after a while you may start to see things in it that you wouldn't otherwise. You might start to see patterns, or realise his motives for doing certain things.

Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 11:25

@category12 out of curiosity if I had not provided the background story and history of EA would you still have immediately identified the sandwich scenario as gaslighting?

OP posts:
category12 · 05/05/2019 11:30

Yes, I think so. What else?

JuniFora · 05/05/2019 11:31

He is who he has always been, he just moderated his behaviour to get what he wanted. Now he's slowly pushing boundaries to see how far he can get back to his preferred behaviour.

Why would you want to spend your life with a man you have to watch your back with? You should be able to trust a partner to watch yours.

Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 11:37

@category12 thanks. I do agree I just wondered if my opening post was bias.

I feel physically sick that I allowed myself to think that this person had the capacity to change or be in a healthy relationship.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 05/05/2019 11:40

Whether he has BDP or any other mental health issues, doesn't stop him be an arsehole.

Do you want to live like this, and as it gets worse the more you excuse him and put it down to his MH rather then looking at the actual behavior.

IrisAtwood · 05/05/2019 11:41

It is not normal or supportive behaviour to behave as he did about the sandwich. It is definitely gaslighting and part of a pattern of emotional abuse.

‘Thinking better’ of sending a message may have been an example of how he is gaining control. If it was because you didn’t want to upset him or cause and argument then he is starting to manipulate you.

I am really sorry that you are going through this and hope that you are able to do what is right for you.

category12 · 05/05/2019 11:44

I think people often try to cover up cruelty and small abusive acts by claiming "it's a joke" and "you're too sensitive" etc. It can be quite hard to fight, yet you know deep down there is this undercurrent. (Just wondering if it's the "your face" bit that's making you question it.)

Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 11:51

@IrisATwood thank you. To clarify I thought better of sending the message because I recognise that it would be a waste of my energy. To hazard a guess he would simply deflect blame onto me, tell me I am being over sensitive or always too serious, that it was a joke and 'I should know him by now' or some other text book EA rubbish.

Regrettably this is a situation of my own making. Fool me twice...

OP posts:
Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 11:54

Category12 yes that's true. But in this case absolutely not. I know full well that it was not intended as a joke and actually for me it was the addition of the laugh and 'should've seen you face' bit which was most unsettling.

OP posts:
Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 13:49

@category 12 yes that's true. But in this case absolutely not. I know full well that it was not intended as a joke and actually for me it was the addition of the laugh and 'should've seen you face' bit which was most unsettling.

Do you think it would be 'best practice' to have a conversation with him about this incident and make it clear that I am aware of things, or keep it to myself?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/05/2019 14:41

You can't talk a long term abuser out of being an abuser. It is who he is, at his core.

By "keep it to myself", are you intending to stay with this man? Really, you'll never be able to clearly see what he has done to you until you get distance from him. Discussing this with him only provides him with further insight into your thought processes which will enable him to better abuse you next time.

The only answer for your long term happiness is to leave him. You can't fix him, you can only save yourself.

Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 14:53

@PicsInRed no I am not intending to stay put. However he is not yet aware of this. Yes I see what you mean about providing more insight into my thought process if I was to raise it with him, not that this really matters as I will soon have left. I will keep stumbling and get on with my day. Thanks again for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 14:55

*stumbling should have been shtum Smile

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 05/05/2019 14:57

Wow, that's pretty much a text book example of gas-lighting.
It's also a text book example of a silly joke.

Original poster
onestepahead · 05/05/2019 15:24

@FriarTuck please could you explain to me how blaitantly lying to someone, prompting them to question their sanity is funny?

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 05/05/2019 16:37

I didn't say I found it funny but some people find winding people up amusing in a non-gas-lighting way. It's no different to if your teenage child moved your car keys that you knew you'd left on the side, claimed that they'd not seen them, put them back when you'd gone to check somewhere else, and then when you came back and found them where you'd originally put them, pretended they'd been there all along to make you think you'd gone bonkers. And then to cap it all, after a couple of minutes, went 'gotcha!'.
Not everything is a red flag. Sometimes so-called jokes are actually just peoples' idea of humour.

MulticolourMophead · 05/05/2019 20:07

FriarTuck Given the OP's descriptions of her feelings, and of her history with this man, I'd come down on the side of gaslighting, not a joke. Context is useful.