Thoughts Please - Am I losing the plot or is he reverting to type?

[onestepahead]

I have been with DP for 12+ years. There is history of him being emotionally abusive (for context this was severe, also involved money and for me had lasting consequences). Around 7 years ago all came to a head and we separated. A year or so later we regained contact and he spoke at length about how sorry he was, attributed the EA to his unmanaged mental health issues and lifelong difficulty with self identity and told me that if I was to give him one more chance he would spend the rest of his life demonstrating that he was no longer that person... you get the general idea. Needless to say he was fairly convincing.

Now, we are 5 years on and whilst he has undoubtedly done some work on himself and is to an extent outwardly unrecognisable from the person he was in those early days - and I have put a lot of effort in to the relationship, and trusting him, I am beginning to get the sense of an undercurrent.

Todays example has left me questioning various events of the past few years and feeling very uneasy. However I am not sure if at this point I am over analysing. I am sure that written down this is going to look ridiculous but please bear with me.

I had left a sandwich in the fridge for DP to take to work. I was going to put something else on it (as it needed using up). He is stood next to me as I open the fridge. The sandwich has gone. I am having a look to check it hasn't moved and he makes a point of noting what I am doing. I ask him if he has seen/ moved/ eaten the sandwich. He says, no, what sandwich. I explain that I had left one in the fridge. He looks bemused and assures me that he has not seen it. I have been unwell with pain and for a second actually wondered if I was imagining having made the sandwich. I calmly said, well it was there and now it is not so you must have seen it. I walk away into another room and after a moment he says that the sandwich is in his bag and follows this up with a laugh and ' your face then'.

I stay in another room and before he leaves for work he comes to say goodbye and tells me he hasn't woken up yet. My internal response was that he was still awake enough to play mind games. Am I losing it?

Good gravy, he’s screwing with your head.

Noticed your keys, debit card moved, anything else missing? Particularly when you need to go out?

The KGB used to break into people’s flats and move stuff about to drive them crazy. This is same sort of shit. Bin him before you have to find out why he is doing this (because you will certainly not like the reason).

FriarTuck Given the OP's descriptions of her feelings, and of her history with this man, I'd come down on the side of gaslighting, not a joke. Context is useful.
Yes, so maybe you could take into account that for the last 5 years he's been trying hard and to an extent outwardly unrecognisable from the person he was in those early days, and that OP says he 'follows this up with a laugh and ' your face then'. Context is very useful. Particularly if you read what the OP has said happened on this occasion.

@FriarTuck appreciate your thoughts and spin on things. Unfortunately it was not a joke and the laugh and following comment were not in gest. We have had a blow up this evening. He is clearly an unwell and troubled man who is struggling with lifelong difficulties, with close relationships (not just ours but family also) and dealing with emotion. I am able to see things clearly for what they are however he is not there and probably never will be. He is living on an island of his own making, oblivious to the collatoral damage.

I have empathy for his situation. However he is not helping himself in the slightest and is once again projecting onto me.

OP look after yourself, get out ASAP and grey rock until then. Stay safe.

My xh the first time I left sobbed, cried, begged, got counselling, admitted he’d not treated me right .... only to slowly revert over the next 18 months.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to change but very very hard and unlikely

Sorry OP but get out while you can. Leaving this here: www.thrivetalk.com/gaslighting/

There is no point trying to call the behaviour out with people like this, all it does it encourage them to raise the levels.

Before he was dog shit, he's now glitter covered dog shit.....

File it under basket case and bin him off.

I am in the spare room feeling like an idiot. His behaviour is so selfish and ignorant of real life. He has just had the audacity to tell me I know nothing about mental health (nail in the coffin as it was the profession, and passion that I had to leave due the first episode of EA) because I shouted at him when he is taking anti depressants and is struggling with depression and has a headache. I know I shouldnt rise to it but his ignorance is infuriating. Over the past few months he has ruined all the work I had done to 'change/ enhance' the relationship and I feel annoyed with myself as deep down I knew it would happen.

He also alluded to me being sexually repressed/ frigid as we have not been having much intimacy recently due to 1. Side effects of HIS medication 2. My recent loss of pregnacy and subsequent side effects 3. The fact I no longer feel sexually connected to him due to his behaviour

Intellectually I know that he has caused this but yet I am still questionning myself. I need to leave asap.

Why would you want to spend your life with a man you have to watch your back with? You should be able to trust a partner to watch yours.

This is so good.

There's no point trying to help him see the error of his ways, or even responding when he does things like this, OP. All you can do is get yourself out of that situation. Abusers will always abuse, one way or another.

@TougheningUp. You are right. Disconnecting when things flare up is something that I have not been so good at, I think because in trying to explain and encourage him to understand I was holding onto a misplaced hope that he might acknowledge and work on his unhealthy thought procceses and communication style. Sunken costs I suppose. I berate myself for that.

You've behaved reasonably. With a reasonable person, that tactic would have worked. He's not reasonable, so he's used it against you.

Don't berate yourself for anything. Just get yourself somewhere safe, and live a better life.

I got chills reading this, it reminded me almost uncannily of another thread years ago where the poster's DH gaslighted her to her face over a pasty. I will try to find it.

Somehow I found this which is a miracle seeing as I remembered it wrong

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/972970-Either-I-39-m-being-paranoid-or-he-39-s

You're not the same OP are you? Just realised the time scale would sort of fit

@TougheningUp. Thank you. Having the support of people on this thread is really helping. Before I left this morning he was playing Mr nice and reasonable. 'I don't want to fall out' 'You have made your choice' Asking if I am ok and if there is anything I would like him to do for me today. He then tried to pin everything on me 'not being happy in myself'. The reality is that there is nothing wrong with me 'in myself' but over the past few months I have had to deal with some less than positive situations and have had what I would consider to be a 'normal' emotional response to them.

@BertieBotts that is awful. No I am not the same OP. I hope they were able to disentangle themselves.

Sorry to keep coming back. I think I need to get out of here quick but need somewhere to stay first. My mind is clear this evening after another 'conversation'. I have been so stupid giving this guy another chance. Fundamentally he has not changed. He has just become more subtle in his ways.

How quick is quick?

Are you in danger? I would speak to WA?

What's your situation Op? His/your house? Rented or owned? Do you have opportunity to gather together important paperwork? Can you last until tomorrow & do it while he's at work?

Can you stay in a b&b/travelogue in the short term?

Not stupid. It is very illogical to accept how abusers work and it goes against several important instincts. Have you read Lundy Bancroft?

Thanks and i'm sorry I didn't mean for the above to sound dramatic! I do need to leave asap, perhaps find somewhere temporary for a few nights whilst seeking somewhere more permenant. He has reverted back to twisting everything... now trying to make out that I have mental health issues and need to be taking tablets like him. I have enough insight to recognise it for what it is however it does still take its toll. I have read the Lundy Bancroft book @BertieBotts and found it really useful

Practically I will need to be the one to leave as it is his property (as I am currently unable to get a mortgage due to financial consequences of the initial period of EA). Do not panic I have not been contributing towards his mortgage etc only bills.