What was your marriage like after children?

[Katlow]

I got married a couple of months ago, me and my partner have been together for 5 years, both still young in between 24-27. We're that couple that make people cringe because we're so obviously -obnoxiously- head over heels for one another.
I've read a few posts on here about people's marriages after children and it seems like things go downhill from there.
I desperately want to start trying soon but I'm so scared that it will ruin our relationship. I'm so blissfully happy at the moment and I really don't want to do anything to jeopardise that.
I guess what I'm asking for is, does anyone have any positive stories about marriage after children?

Someone on here recently said being married with kids is like running a nursery with someone you used to date.

Hope that helps lol 😊

Realistically everyone’s relationship boat will be rocked by adding another person into it, who demands ALL your attention, energy and literally stops your life as you knew it.

My partner and I were that couple, but after having our DD I honestly hated him sometimes. It really shone a light on cracks that must have been there but I didn’t notice when we were independent people.
I wasn’t bothered by his habit of leaving things next to, not in the bin. Or his seeming blindness to mess - because I had the energy and inclination to deal with it. Little niggles that weren’t niggles become huge deals.

Still, she got older and demanded less attention and I slept for longer than two hours at once and I learnt to communicate better - a great piece of advice is don’t be a martyr - because resentment will build.

Also, it’s not his fault he can’t breastfeed lol.

Anyway. Dd is now 4, and I love her daddy more than anything or anyone (except her 🙈) it all feels like a distant memory and I am excited for our future together.

It just changes things - some for the better and some for the worst - and it's different for every couple. Having children is a huge leap of faith and there are no guarantees about how it will turn out. You're going to find as many people on here saying it deepened their relationship as you will people saying it had a negative impact.

It's been ten years, we are no longer in a marriage in my opinion, just a coparenting relationship. But it doesn't have to be this way if people communicate. Learn from others mistakes if you can.

I actually think our marriage is stronger after having DC - we had a really really rough time the first year of marriage and nearly ended it but having DC has been the making of us x

Babies and children are hard work and they take higher priority than time together or sec. So you both need to really want a child or one of you will end up feels ngneglected.
And you absolutely have to work as a team.

If you can do that, it will be fine x

I’m over 20 years and a few kids down and it has deepened our relationship over time and he is my soul mate.
I loved watching what a wonderful father he was esp in the early days and the way he supported me in the dark night hours of breast feeding or walked the babies round and round the block in the pram so I could sleep just strengthened our bond

There have of course been plenty of rows and bad times but I have never ever thought we would split up and I don’t for one minute hanker after the days when it was just us.

I sort of missed the travelling and the chance to go to the theatre etc but now the kids are older and I can do that again I actually like having the kids along too. Being a family unit gives me a sense of belonging I can’t really describe and DH and I are not in isolation anymore but that’s wonderful and even better than when we were.

Just acknowledge that your relationship won’t stay the same. It won’t necessarily get worse but you have to be kind to each other and be honest and bite your lip over the small stuff.

Do the things that matter to you whilst you can (travel or save or be frivolous or party hard) and know each other well.

And the main thing that kept us going is laughing. I know it’s a bit simplistic and twee but it’s so true for us. Nothing we haven’t managed to laugh our way out of.

Babies change everything. We used to be that couple to. Dated for a few years, beautiful wedding, fantastic honeymoon and planned pregnancy a few months later. A major home renovation, traumatic birth and very poorly baby later (we nearly lost her as a newborn) we were nearly at breaking point. Of course some people get pregnant and it all goes smoothly but ours didnt and we're only just starting to improve our relationship now DD is 8 months. The experience ripped us apart but if you're committed then you can find your way back to each other and be stronger for the experience.

I honestly love my husband more every single day still. We’ve been together 8 years, married 4 years and parents for 2.5 of those, about to welcome our second (his third). He is a wonderful father and seeing him in that role and how he has supported me through pregnancy and parenthood makes me love him more than I ever thought possible. Have hope OP!

We were besotted too... And I still am absolutely in love with my DH but of course it changes. We had six years of marriage, 9 years together, before kids(career etc) so maybe that's helped but we have three DCs, 4, 2.5 and 4 weeks, and we are a strong team. Just had our tenth wedding anniversary... Spent the evening on the settee watching hey dugee with DCs who wouldn't sleep and it was lovely 😁

Keep talking, keep being honest, don't expect sunshine and butterflies, expect change, expect growth, remember why you fell in love and just keep trying. And remember that sex is good for you both, mentally and physically 😜 it's all too easy to shelve your sex life, or more broadly intimacy, when DCs come along. Be kind too, resenting each other is bullshit, recognise you have different strengths but it's about being a team.

It so totally depends on the relationship. If you tend to approach life as a team, see the funny side, laugh with each other, be a support to each other through tough times, pick up each other's slack uncomplainingly, can discuss hard things without it being WW3, can deal with changes of plan, you'll be fine. It might be rough or it might be the best time of your life but ultimately you'll come through it and be fine.

OTOH if you tend to live in competition with each other (even "lighthearted"), laugh at rather than with each other (even secretly), withdraw in tough times, the slack-lining is one sided, avoid tough discussions because they lead to arguments, find changes throw you off course - you will struggle, massively.

It's nothing to do IME with how much you're in love with each other, that's more superficial than the things that go into whether you'll make good co-parents. You need to work well as a team, you need to care about each other down to the level of wanting to make life better for the other especially when they are having a hard time (think about how either of you is with the other when one of you is ill), you need to value the other person's input even when you feel strongly (and emotionally) about something yourself, it needs to feel like the two of you against the world.

Do not have babies with someone who is in any way lazy or selfish. It has to be someone who does their share of housework and will look after you and put your family's needs first. Not a cyclist!

There is a good chance that you may be physically & mentally unable to have sex for a very long time (think months & years - not weeks). If he is the type of bloke who will use that as an excuse to shag around or make you feel bad or constantly put pressure on you then don't do it.

Even if he is the best Dad in the world you will probably hate him for a while. Motherhood changes women's lives so much and seems to affect men so little that at times it can feel so unfair that resentment will build. As soon as I had kids I aged at least 5 years (not joking skin changed overnight!). I became invisible in the workplace and invisible on the streets and to quite a few 'friends' too. I still don't know what fashion bracket I fit into now. He took 2 weeks paternity and went back to work as if nothing had happened.

Don't have kids until you are thoroughly bored of nights out. Get all that fun stuff done & dusted and be truly ready to let go of it for a while. But dont worry a different kind of fun awaits.

Accept that it will be very hard at times and you will feel like colleagues fire fighting but this is just a hard stage in life and you will get through it. Try to treat each other with kindness and try to remember who you used to be. The days can be very long but the years whizz by fast and before you know it your kids will be too embarrassed to be seen with you.

All of that said once you come through the other side you will be a stronger couple for it and you will have created the most amazing human beings you have ever met. Every day they will make you pull your hair out and every day they will make your heart explode with love.

I don’t believe anyone that says having a child didn’t change their relationship - how can it not?

It was the tiredness that got us - made us so snappy towards each other. It is hard but the older the dc are getting the better it’s getting for us. I still love DH more than anyone (dc excluded) but we aren’t the infatuated couple we used to be.

Best advice on this thread - someone mentioned it earlier - don’t be a martyr! If you need help or thing something unfair or that the other persons not pulling their weight speak up! That alone can solve so many issues

We broke up because of it. I'd never get married again or have another child.

I love my husband and he loves me too but having children did put pressure on us. We are through the toughest part now that my youngest is 20 months. However when I asked him recently what his thoughts are on having child no. 3 he looked at me straight on and said he didn’t think our relationship would survive it. That said a lot for me and we definitely are stopping at child 2.

A big part of the challenge for me was the sex. I was so so tired all the time after having babies, I felt terrible about my body and the last thing I wanted was sex. Obviously my husband wanted the same amount as previously and I know he really missed the intimacy between us. That did create problems for us. I think you just have to survive the rough patches then find one another again.

We love each other but we became parents rather than a couple. Everything revolves around the kids and our relationship is severely neglected. We do try though! And our marriage is strong.

I think our marriage is stronger. We're still annoying head over heels but I think you have to understand that children will change things permanently and be prepared to adapt your relationship to that.

I think it takes more effort and planning. Spontaneity goes out the window really. We've introduced movie date night on a Sunday. Phone off or away just us and a film. It sounds a bit sad but we watch pointless together every evening because we enjoy quizzes so it's something we can share.

But most of all we always communicate. I've got a DS1 from a previous relationship which didn't survive having a baby. He didn't want to stop his pre child life and we just never communicated. DH and I always talk about any issue no matter how small it may seem so that we don't end up at a stage where it's all blowing up

In the early weeks when our first was born we were super strong. I didn't cope well with the shocking change to our lives and lack of sleep, my husband was my complete rock.

Fast forward when our son was older and I was happy and settled in my new role as a mother, and went back to work etc. That's when the gripes/petty rows started.

We now have our second DS (10 weeks old) and I can't honestly say whether we will last or not. Having children gets more stressful as they get older, I feel, as you begin to disagree on vital things such as how to discipline a child, and you get new stresses when it comes to dealing with toddlers and pre schoolers compared with tiny babies who, whilst making you tired, don't demand much mental energy.

So for me, the baby stage wasn't the hardest relationship wise; it's the battles to come. Imagine when they're teenagers!

My marriage didn’t survive kids and it was largely down to our differences in parenting styles as well as expectations of each other’s roles in the home and career/job progression after kids were thrown into the mix.
This was something we’d (maybe stupidly) never thought to discuss and, as it turned out, our views clashed terribly.
It didn’t have to be this way. In retrospect, I wish we’d discussed these issues beforehand and I think we would never have had children together.

I feel like I am reading the replies and saying in my head, well I was closer to my DH than all of you lol.
Me and my DH were the two amigos against the rest of the world. Oh gosh that sounds cringey but we were so lucky we found each other. I still think that.
But children change that relationship. It's not like it's not there. It's the fact that children need so much of your attention that you can't spend your days and nights cuddling up for endless hours and declaring your love to each other. Really you're tired and then you actually realise that men and women deal with things differently whereas before you were on the same page.
My DH does a lot at home. He isn't a lazy dad at all however we do not have family support around us like everyone else we know. It is just us. Before that was so romantic lol but now it's the reality of always being alert as you have young children around.
When we have a lot going on, my DH gets on with it and is go go go whereas I like to take breaks and check in with him. Of course he's go go go and I'm not and then it can upset us in different ways!
It's not always lows, not at all but that dream land we used to live in has gone. I see people who have a lot of family support are able to check back into that Dreamland more but I've seen for me and a lot of munsnetters, that isn't possible.
I'm not saying don't have children. Children are amazing and they changed me for the better. It is hard work because you have to go by another person's timetable and not your own but the love they give you is something else. However I always tell everyone to enjoy their time with their DH and make good memories to get you through the first few years after birth. But also you'll never get that time back.

In some ways it bonded us, in others (probably more) it had caused tremendous stress and we've been at the verge of breaking up more than once.
I understand how people end up broken up, it can very challenging.

My sister said to me that the first year after the baby is born is usually the worst one of the marriage. I've been known to say it is like a bomb going off in your relationship.

But actually it isn't that bad.

We are very different after our children than we were before but I wouldn't change it. Ours are late teens now. What worked for us was:

Being kind to each other - we were before kids and we remained so afterwards. We basically always presume the best of each other so are slow to take offence.

We gave up for a little bit the idea that we could continue as we were before. Instead we "embraced the suck" as it were. So at the weekends we didn't expect lie ins and a lesuirely coffee reading the newspaper etc but generally both got up fairly early and both went out to the park, met up with friends with kids the same age, had coffee watching the kids play. not always - there were some lie ins - but once we decided to live like we had children, it became lots more fun. We are back to our pre-kids routine for years now but I still miss those weekends when we'd call our friends at 9, having been up for hours already and say "want to go to the zoo".

Also the bonding of loving the same people exactly the same amount is incredible. Dh is the only person I can really say what I think when I am angry/disappointed at my children because he understands how I feel and how I love them. Ditto pride and joy.

It was fine, but we'd been together ten years and had travelled and lived a fun life, and we were almost 30 and ready to settle down. We also had very little help so had to muddle through on our own as a team which made us stronger.
I wouldn't have liked to have made such a commitment any earlier, probably because women usually get left with the DC when it all goes wrong which would have been more likely.

It was the beginning of the end for us.

Somehow, the minute our son was born, a switch went off in his head and I stopped being a person called Sutch in his eyes, and became 'Mummy'.

And that was that. You don't have to worry if the appliance is happy. We had a lot more children, but he never wanted to date, go for a walk, have breakfast together, go to a film. Not even for a cup of coffee and a chat. You don't have to woo Mummy, do you.