What was your marriage like after children?

[Katlow]

I got married a couple of months ago, me and my partner have been together for 5 years, both still young in between 24-27. We're that couple that make people cringe because we're so obviously -obnoxiously- head over heels for one another.
I've read a few posts on here about people's marriages after children and it seems like things go downhill from there.
I desperately want to start trying soon but I'm so scared that it will ruin our relationship. I'm so blissfully happy at the moment and I really don't want to do anything to jeopardise that.
I guess what I'm asking for is, does anyone have any positive stories about marriage after children?

I think our relationship became deeper, more assured. Watching the wonderful dad he became, realising how much more there was to him, how selfless and resourceful and strong he was, the sides of him I would never have seen otherwise. Working together as a team, supporting each other through the hard times (disabled child etc), building a whole repertoire of family jokes and family stories.

So having children is very destructive to most marriages? Well at least OP will have some idea of what she's getting herself into.

It’s not destructive but it is a major change in both of your lives, and like all major changes (house moves, bereavements, career changes) it takes time to adjust to your new roles within the relationship and not all relationships do survive.

We both had to work hard to adjust and our relationship is definitely different now DS is 2 than it was pre-baby. Just as strong now we are out the other side, but definitely different.

Infertility was at least as stressful though, so I wouldn’t recommend that either.

OP seriously just enjoy your relationship for a bit, you say that you are blissfully happy atm so why change that? You are young and have time on your side.

I got married at a similar age and had my first baby 8 years later (obvs you don't have to leave it that long ) and the foundation of the fun we had pre baby years I think really helped us through the exhaustion and unrelenting nature of young children.

I don't think being head over heals for each other has much to do with it.
How are you both in a crisis? When things go terribly wrong? When something has broken? When one of you are ill? Have you both talked about how you will parent?

Ds is 10 months and in all honesty it's been a lot less destructive for our relationship than I had thought/feared it would be. There have been moments of snappiness due to tiredness but in general it's been ok. What actually was a more serious test for our relationship was the period before we had DS - I had three miscarriages and had quite a bad period of depression. That was pretty difficult for our relationship, and especially our sex life. Getting through that as a team was hard at times, but I think made us immeasurably stronger - though it wasn't the first time I've had depression during our relationship (he actually proposed during a very low patch, which in its own way was deeply romantic - 'I want you as you are') and he's also had some very bad career stuff with mental health implications, so we knew we could get through the harder bits together if we kept working as a team.

Basically, I think some of how much a shock to your relationship having a baby is is to do with how much you've been through together before. Not all, but a lot. The people I know who had only really been together through the easy times before really struggled (though of course almost inevitably they're the ones who have been together the least time, so it's hard to separate that out).

For us personally a commitment to equal parenting as far as possible helped. We always knew we were doing shared parental leave, and that meant we both had a very big incentive to ensure neither the one at home nor the one out of it got too much of a raw deal, as we'd both be in both roles! For that reason the biggest test so far has been the newborn period, because I found that, as I was breastfeeding, there wasn't much for DH to do, and that does breed resentment if you're not careful.

Obviously our baby is less than a year, and we only have one, so we have a long way to go and I may come to regret my relative smugness at the moment!

We were definitely never 'that couple' though - we were friends for years before getting together, and although the shagging was both amazing and endless in the early days thinks back wistfully to whole weekends in bed, we have always had friendship at the heart of the relationship, and we also are just both inherently the sort of people who cringe at any public display!

We're similar ages to you Op although not married and Ds wasn't planned.
Honestly, yes it was hard the first few months in particular. Me and Dp are the best of friends and I felt like I knew him inside out, but he didn't react like I thought he would, but then neither did I.
I thought as did everyone who knew us, that I'd be one to struggle and Dp would find it a breeze. But the second I held Ds it just clicked, that love that sense of protection. He was mine and I was all he wanted at first and Dp found that really hard.

We're ok now, Ds is almost 7 months and we're expecting our 2nd .
But it highlighted for me that you never really know how someone will react/deal with things and that includes yourself.

But right now I'm laid in bed with a cup of tea and I can hear Dp and Ds in the living room. They're playing peek a boo and I know Dp will be pulling funny faces at him. Ds is laughing a special laugh he only seems to have for his daddy and it makes my heart swell with love for the both of them. So yep it changes things, but I think it's worth it.

Although, absolutely, definitely, no more after this one!

Aww thanks Good Enough! Finally someone who appreciates my wisdom. I'd love a glass of wine!

I second what @NewAccount270219 says though. It's still early days for us too, so who knows what the future holds. We were also friends first and we've never been one of those couples, we still don't have 'in a relationship with.....' on Facebook. Dp said the other day when we get married will you at least change it to married, my fb still says I'm single 😂. But that's the nature of our relationship, my reply was "hmm, not sure. I quite like keeping my options open" some could take offence at that, but Dp just laughed and said "what, you think you'll get better than this".

Destroyed my marriage - exposed all my husband's dysfunction, self-obsession, lack of empathy, complete unreliability.
The flaws didn't come to the fore so much before as we were essentially still two independent people. Having kids created more dependency on each other and that exposed all the faults.

If I had married a decent guy, I think having kids would have brought us closer, at least after the baby years. I feel really sad I don't have someone to have that shared closeness with over the children you both love.

Put a pound in a jar each time you have sex before children. Then take one out each time you have sex after having children. That jar will never be empty This is the biggest change to my marriage anyway. Other than that we are closer than ever and truly soulmates.

The baby and toddler time was very trying, we struggled with money and DH had to work long hours away. I had PND. Lots of challenges and I can see how so many relationships end at this point, it's hard to know before having children if you'll be a team or if they will drive you apart.

For us, now the children are aged 8 and 5, we are stronger than ever. I think a lot of it depends on the type of parent you are, if you are the kind that centres your whole being around children and think everything else is peripheral, I think that's when relationships struggle. We have always made sure we spend time together as a couple, I don't believe in this "marriage on the back burner" nonsense when having children. A happy marriage makes for a happy family unit. When I grew up my DB and I could easily play our parents off each other, they were not happily married. We were the centre of my mum's universe and her marriage suffered for it (eventually ending) DH and I are a team, we don't undermine each other. And I knew long before marrying him he would never become a 3rd child, it is SO important to know your DH is on board with housework etc, not just doing it but believing it is something for you both to do.

We have had a tricky year due to external forces, but we have really come together for it. He's honestly my best friend and there is no one else I could go through this with, as I haven't always found parenting natural to me. We are stronger than ever, but we've had to work to get to this point, lots of talking, carving time and consideration for the other.

My main advice to anyone about to have a child, don't forget about your partner or your marriage.

And just to add the less sex thing is equivocally untrue for us, barring perhaps the first 6 months post child. That isn't inevitable, that's up to you both.

That isn't inevitable, that's up to you both.

I would say it is up to the person who loses that part of themselves really. Certainly from personal experience anyway.

I think the less sex thing, and a lot of it, also depends on how 'first flush' your relationship still is. I've also heard the pound thing for 'in the first five years' rather than 'pre children' and that is true for us, but that was before we had DS.

I think, in general, if I'd happened to get pregnant a year or two into our relationship I'd have attributed a lot of changes to DS that actually happened over the eight years we were together before him anyway. I think this is also more generally true of having children fairly early. If I'd had DS at 27 I'd have thought that that was what ended all the crazy nights out, big girls' holidays, etc. Actually all that stuff faded away naturally in my late 20s despite very few of my friends having children. Being 32 isn't like being 22 whether or not you have children, and being two years into a relationship isn't like being nine years in, and a lot of those changes will happen without children too.

@Keepithidden yes true, I ended up adding up the "both" as I didn't want to end it with "you" as if it is down to the op aka the woman. It takes a couple to work on their sex life, and that includes patience and understanding from the side who is more eager.

It put a huge amount of pressure on us for the first few years. There were times that I absolutely hated him and genuinely wanted a divorce.

The pressures of work for him and me being a SAHM, sleep deprivation, resentment and mismatched sex drives just ate away at us.

We also had a non sleeping, screaming baby who then pushed us further to the brink with their toddler behaviour. Aged 2-3 was the stuff of nightmares.....

I had horrendous anxiety and panic attacks and he just suppressed his negative emotions but they were always bubbling away under the surface.

We had been together for 8 yrs pre child, so we're very used to doing our own thing, being selfish etc. It was a HUGE shock to the system.

As time went on, things started to get better. I got a new job which I loved and gave me a new lease of life, our child got older and our hard work started to pay off. Their behaviour drastically improved, they were lovely to be around, our stress levels reduced, we all enjoy being together.

I think we're stronger now than we ever have been - but it's been a bloody long slog to get there!

@NewAccount270219 yes I'm inclined to agree. DH and I were together as teenagers, we had children quite young in our early 20s so we'd been together 5+ years prior to kids BUT obviously we weren't responsible adults for long before having kids so actually a lot of the issues we had were learning how to be grown ups, how to run a house, how to manage finances on top of this demanding baby and marriage and a big move away from family. It's crazy looking back. Thankfully we very much grew up together and it's genuinely made us stronger but I can see how it could have broken us. In terms of sex I think one of the reasons our sex life was better post kids was because we got more confident as people, knew our bodies, knew what we liked and got more confident in talking about it. Prior to kids we were quite young and shy despite being together 5 years, after you've had a baby there are no inhibitions ha. So our sex life has continued to improve over the years and is the best it's ever been now at 15 years in, but I can see what you mean by if you've had that honeymoon period long before kids or if you're still sort of in it. Either way I think it's something that can be worked on and improved if a couple wants to, I don't think sex needs to be written off unless both partners really aren't fussed. If a couple likes sex I don't think they should feel sex post kids is off the table, or reserved for special occasions only!

I only have 1 child who is nearly 2 (I'm pregnant with my second) and our marriage is great! We both work ft, we share housework (he prob does more than me tbh). We love spending time as our little family, we rarely argue, we are affectionate, have regular sex etc. If anything, having a baby has made us stronger as a couple. No horror stories here.

We were that sickening couple. And when I was pregnant/had a newborn, he cheated on me and that kinda smashed the whole thing. We carried on for several years afterwards, but yeah.

being married with kids is like running a nursery with someone you used to date
This is so true. DH and I are like ships that pass, transferring passengers (DC) from one to the other but never actually being together. Every six months or so we have a night out without kids and it’s like bumping into someone you used to know but haven’t seen for ages.