What was your marriage like after children?

[Katlow]

I got married a couple of months ago, me and my partner have been together for 5 years, both still young in between 24-27. We're that couple that make people cringe because we're so obviously -obnoxiously- head over heels for one another.
I've read a few posts on here about people's marriages after children and it seems like things go downhill from there.
I desperately want to start trying soon but I'm so scared that it will ruin our relationship. I'm so blissfully happy at the moment and I really don't want to do anything to jeopardise that.
I guess what I'm asking for is, does anyone have any positive stories about marriage after children?

V sad but v true sutch

Really interesting thread and thanks other posters for sharing!

I’d been with DH 9 years and married for 3 when we had our baby last year at 30. Lovely house, great careers, much wanted baby, straightforward pregnancy and birth...and it’s still been SO hard. It’s really tested our relationship - I feel like I totally lost my identity and kind f didn’t care. DH missed the old me/our old life (though is fantastic dad). We tag team a lot now so don’t have much time together. It’s been a huge adjustment and a year in we’re just getting our heads round it. If there are any cracks at all in your relationship this will expose them. I think being kind to each other and being prepared to a certain extent will help loads.

I have three children - aged 1, 3 and 36.

Fucking nightmare!

You will be tired as fuck. You wont be able to just get up and go somewhere. You wont be able to go out on as many dates. You wont be as free.... for the first couple of years anyway.

But...

You will work as a team
You will watch each otherdevelop into parents
You will watch each other love your little one
You will have so much laughter
You will feel a love like no other and somehow your love for your partner grows in a different way

Despite all of the negatives, you must remember it is temporary. It is challenging and tiring but fuck me, it's also fun and amazing! Communicate with each other and look after one another, physically and mentally.

Enjoy your time you have together for a little longer. OH and I had only been together 7 months when we found out I was pregnant and I do wish I'd had just a little more time to do terribly irresponsible and impulsive things have some different experiences with OH.

Our relationship has changed. We're both tired a lot of the time, and our sex life has dwindled. And because we don't have any family to babysit, we don't go out for dinner or 'dates' anymore. And yes I do miss those things.

But he really is a great dad and husband and I love watching him with the kids, and how supportive he is of us all. And in many ways we're closer because we've supported each other through a lot.

To be honest I found the effect on my personal life harder. I felt I lost my sense of who I was. I had no time to myself when the kids were young, and completely gave up all of my interests, and DD1 in particular was a terrible sleeper so I couldn't even sleep without being interrupted several times a night. And I was just exhausted all the time. I'm just starting to discover things I like doing again now that both kids are sleeping through the night and old enough that they don't need me as much.

I mean actually - in terms of the whole being massively in love thing. That is an issue because the hormones kick in and you will feel that way, that brand new in love, head-over-heels I can't be away from you, I need to memorise every part of you way - about your baby. With a second baby, it tends to push out those feelings for your first born, and I would guess if you still feel this way about your spouse - it would push those out as well. Also, since it's partly hormonal, I'm not sure that new dads do feel this way quite the same. So they might not get it.

In our case, it didn't matter, because we'd been together for 8 years by the time the baby arrived and we are boringly unromantic so that whole head over heels, obsessed with detail, must breathe in your scent thing was long gone - had been replaced by a sure and steady fondness, deep trust, comfort and sense of family. Still love, very much love, but a different kind. So I honestly would not say that our relationship has changed since the baby arrived. But it would be different for a first baby (I had DS1 from a previous relationship) just because life with kids is so astronomically different from life without.

Well I think it depends on a few things.

If he is a bit lazy and you do most of the stuff around the house, having kids will also all be left to you. Hell do the fun play times and ul do all the boring stuff, like feeding, bathing, night times, nappies, etc.

If he helps around the house and is generally decent, mature and you imagine him being hands on then it can work very well. It is so lovely to see your child with your dh and how much they love each other and how he dotes on them.

It does change your relationship though. It's not about you, nor about him. Everything is about your baby. I don't know how many times I said I don't care, she is my priority not you if he was pissing me off about something. I used to give him cuddles non stop and I used to tell him how he wldnt get many when the baby was born (half joking). Totally true though so knackered at bed time I rarely give him a cuddle which is quite sad. Do snuggle on the sofa watching a film and still spend lots of time together. Getting a night off now and then is nice too but we both miss her.

I would wait a few more years maybe when ur in the 27-30 bracket and enjoy making some great pre children memories together. We had some amazing holidays over the yrs which we laugh at now, oh if only. Maybe when we are like 50 lol.

We broke up because of it. I'd never get married again or have another child
Same here
Although 20 years later I am reconsidering the marriage bit....

We did things the wrong way round and had a child first, plus he was a single dad when we met. We were also besotted, and things didn't change really for us because we didn't get married first , we were already in the habit of thinking as a group rather than a couple if that makes sense. I don't know if his being a single parent before made a difference, but we shared every job and approached things as a team - I didn't want to breastfeed for various reasons which I think helped because we shared feeds and it was easy to go back to work (i went back after 3 months). He was a postie so his hours were brilliant - he did every nursery and school pick up.

I was 21 when DS was born, so also a young mum. I think, in the end, a lot is down to communication and expectations, really.

Horrific. He wasn’t going to let having children curtail him and his active social life in anywhere whatsoever. A high point was when he disappeared for five days when I had a toddler, new born and was two weeks post section with no other support. It was over then but it took another two years to get the fucker out.

I should also say I had my children in the US and I had exactly 12 weeks maternity leave for each of them (was working from home with the last one after 2 weeks but I wouldn't recommend that). While it was hard going back to work it also meant we never got entrenched into a life where I was at home with the baby and doing house stuff for a year. There was no time for him to get used to me having the dinner ready or doing all the housework etc. I think the US maternity leave is awful but it does have the knock-on effect of not creating a complete division of labour for the year after birth.

We had our first at around 30 after being together more than 6 years. those 6 years stood to us.

I think who you have your children with is a bigger decision than who you marry. So take a good clear look at your husband before you have a child. Do you love him because he is dramatic, passionate, volatile, quirky? How will that work with a child? Is he unconcerned about household stuff - doesn't matter now because you aren't either probably - but it will when you have a child needing to be fed, changed, cleaned and minded. What are his parents like together? This actually tells you quite a lot.

It remains unpredictable. When we had DD1, my DH was amazing. Supportive, loving, picked up the slack. When I was PG with DD2 he was the same, coped with the crippling sickness, did all the cooking, coped when the killing first trimester fatigue floored me.

We hit a rough patch when DD2 was born - my DH couldn't deal with a very verbal toddler at all. I had to do a lot of fast talking to get him to see that shouting at DD1 was achieving nothing. He had very rigid ideas about parenting, based on his own experience, and wasn't interested in child psychology.

He was a great dad when DDs were little. When they hit the teen years, things went tits up, but mostly not because of them - life events happened, and the teenage years were just another thing he couldn't cope with.

He loved his DDs to bits, but his general inability to cope with life spilled over onto them. It wasn't being a parent that ruined our marriage though. I think the key thing is to both want children.

It changed our relationship because it changed me. I couldn't turn my mind off from the baby. I felt guilty being asleep if she was awake. I felt guilty leaving her. I felt guilty hugging my husband in front of her if she was left out. All driven by hormones. It's getting better now but we're 18 months down the line. I couldn't have done it without him and am so grateful for his patience. I thought it had hurt is, but it's made us stronger.

Things definitely change when you have children. Your focus naturally has to shift from just being in your own world the two of your to working together to raise this little whirlwind you’ve created. For us we haven’t found it challenged our marriage significantly. We’ve had to learn to be less selfish, to let things go quickly and to communicate well. Sex has been less frequent or non existent at times. But I love my husband more than ever, seeing him become a father and the way we are as a team has made me realise that he’s a much better man than I ever realised when I married him back in our carefree childless days.

Romance does sort of end.

I’m a dad. We’ve got 3 kids - a 5 year old, and a pair of 2 year old twins. We don’t have relatives to support us, so we don’t get time off the kids.

We’re still loving and stable - no major problems. But we’re also like colleagues, running an understaffed and chaotic nursery. One that offers no time off or any perks.

Enjoy the child-free years. Once you have kids you become co-parents. It changes everything.

We too were that couple. I adapted really well to having DD but in all honesty, i think my husband got PND (not glib it wrecked my life!) - he withdrew further and further from me/us in i guess depression. He wouldnt admit to it, seek help etc. I never went off him, never hated him, i earnt money for us, shouldered the child rearing and housework and provided regular, loving and innovative sex. Still not enough to bring him round .

He finally woke up a few months after we split. I burnt out trying though, so...

DD was def the trigger, even though she was an angel of a baby i guess he couldnt cope with responsibility.

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 9 and we have 3 children.

We were that couple once too and funnily enough I really remember thinking the same as you

We have had a few tough years, him advancing in his career, me becoming a SAHM after a great career, me putting on weight, losing myself a bit in a fuzz of sleepless nights, me needing to make new friends as I worked long hours and knew no one really locally, I also adjusted to parenting quicker than he did (he still went out every weekend with his mates the first few years). It was tough. We really had to work at it. We were never near splitting up, but all around us our friends were getting divorced. It really made us think. It was easy to fall into the blame game and you almost end up competing with each other over who is more tired, who is more stressed, who does more around the house... But I always had/have in my mind that he is my best friend and I think he did/does too. He is the loveliest person I've ever met. He gave me these beautiful children. I am so glad he is in my life. We really had to change the way we communicated. So I talk to him as my best friend. I try not to loose my shit when he leaves his clothes all over the floor. I tell him I love him. I make sure I kiss him when he come homes. I make him tea when I don't even want one myself. We are past ripping each others clothes off, but he still holds the car door open for me on the rare occasions we have a night out, he makes sure my cars deiced when it's frosty, he thanks me for all the dundrum housework I do all day, tells me what a great mum he thinks I am along with loads of other little things.

It's ruined nothing and I feel very loved. The children have made us a family and made us secure. Our family before were always our parents and siblings, but now we are a family. We are a little troupe and we have loads of fun and I wouldn't change it for anything x

Go for it!!

It’s been really hard. Just the lack of free time and being so tired. Even just getting the house clean- one of you always has to be with the baby. It’s getting easier now she is 10 months, but during the colic/ teething we have never argued so much- and we never ever argued before having her! I still fell a bit of rage when I wake to do the night feeds and look over at him sleeping peacefully!

But I love DH and it’s made us stronger. I always knew though the kind of man i wanted to marry and what would make a good father/ husband (basically the opposite of my own dad!). It’s mostly practical stuff tbh- he gets up early with the baby, does most of the housework, is happy to stay in and isn’t a lad type wanting to be out all the time while I’m left with the baby. He does everything for us and more. I know with anyone else I would have struggled, because if I can’t make this work with him - I definitely couldn’t with anyone! He’s my soul mate (cringeworthy to say but true).

It’s definitely helped that we had time together travelling and we planned settling down/ getting married. I think people who have short relationships before children must have a hugely challenging time.

DD will always be the best thing that ever happened to us and she makes us laugh together everyday.

SignedUpJust4This your post had so much truth in it! I wish I knew you in real life, would love to drink wine and listen to your wisdom!

I was like you, scared of a baby ruining our relationship. We'd been together a long time and maintained that 'first flush of love' and we were super happy. Honestly, having a baby was like throwing a grenade into out marriage initially. I was genuinely shocked at how we fell apart. Resentments were the main issue. We got through it and a couple of years later we're mostly back to where we were (with less time together and less sex) but still very happy. Some people (not any I know personally!) say having a baby brings them closer together but most I know struggle initially. It's hard going from a couple to a family dynamic. But I found that a having a good relationship beforehand made me determined to get back in track. Also, even though we struggled as a couple, it was so worth it because I just adore my lo (we both do) and now we've hit our stride it's lovely being a little family.

Wow, thanks for the responses! It's nice to have an insight as we're the first out of our group of friends to get married and be planning things like kids. A lot of food for thought.
If I'm completely honest, I'm the lazy one in our relationship. He works 4 days a week and I work 5/6 so he spends his extra day bottoming the house. He's incredibly house proud. I think the main person who would struggle is me as he doesn't let me lift a finger. I'm by no means saying that that's fair and I do try and do housework etc but he likes things done his way so he'd rather do it himself 😂 He's an absolute angel of a man and I thank my lucky stars on a daily basis. He's always said that marriage is for life and any issues, you work through as a team. Im prepared to get flamed but I think I'd be the one to struggle as I'm used to his whole attention being on me and obviously priorities would shift. Ive always said to him that I would never regret having kids with him because I fully know that even if we didn't work out, he'd be the most amazing dad.

I am still absolutely head over heels for my husband.
Marriage does change a relationship completely but for us, we've become a family unit and nothing makes me happier than seeing my husband and our daughter bonding.
We're more tired and have less money but we're happy. There's the odd occasion where we disagree on parenting but that's very rare.
Other than that, I feel that I love him just as much but in a different way as well.

@BornInGlasgow 'Running a nursery with someone you used to date' is GENIUS.

OP, say a bit more about why you're desperate to start trying? Do you really want a baby, does your chap...have you been told you have fertility issues so starting now is key, or is it something else? If you give some more details you'll likely get advice / perspectives from people who've been in just your situation.

I agree with the posters that say that if you're going to have kids with a guy, make sure it's a guy who is kind and supportive and unselfish and hard-working around the house. A guy who believes mess is everyone's problem and who takes responsibility for himself and his kids rather than being an additional child.

Qualities like being creative or quirky or musical or a great raconteur are huge reasons for being in love with someone, but they will absolutely evaporate if you find yourself standing at the sink washing bottles for the 17th feed in a row because he just forgot or knows you will do it.

Sleep deprivation makes new parents notoriously petty and rage-filled. The qualities I mentioned are what will glue you together through the very tough baby and toddler years.

You never really find out how selfish someone is until you have a child with them. Perhaps because of how much selflessness parenting demands. In many ways you don't really know people until they have been pushed to their limits, and having kids is just a quick and socially acceptable way for that to happen.

Add in tiredness and competitive martyrdom and it all gets a bit lively. In my opinion there are a few problem areas after kids and if you can negotiate those you will be okay. The first is the first year of your child's life. That is just fucking hard work.

The second comes quite a bit later, when the kids are older but still children and couples can morph into side by side parenting without ever really connecting as a couple. Sex stops, not because you are in pain or tired like in the first year after birth but because of complacency and boredom. That's a another time when it's very important to keep the spark alive so you don't end up feeling like housemates in a child hotel.
My relationship with my son's dad didn't survive having a kid, and I'd hesitate to have another with someone else but I would consider it if they didn't seem to be a selfish knob. You never really know, though. Life can throw anything at you: disabled child, dying parents, loss of job, any old stuff. You need to be strong as a couple and ready for anything.

What was my marriage like? Over.