Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DD has been accused of sexual assault!

101 replies

Vasilisa19 · 03/05/2019 14:17

20 years old, second year at Uni, a group of friends were drunk in a nightclub. Everyone in the group was kissing each other - silly student stuff. She had a drunken snog with a few people including girl who now says she has been sexually assaulted because she was too drunk to give consent.

The girl has said she hasn't made up her mind as to whether she is going to report her to the police. It was 3 days before this girl spoke up and had previously said what a good night it was. My dd is terrified and has now said she is leaving uni for good. I want her to go and talk to someone at the uni but she won't as she is scared. She thinks the police are going to turn up at any moment. I feel sick.

OP posts:

mycatisblack · 03/05/2019 15:39

thedancingbear you really are being wilfully obtuse. Why would anyone be interested in the other girls version of events? None of us have anything to do with the situation and we don't know the other parties.
Someone has posted asking for advice.
Of course it's going to be answered from the perspective of assuming all the information is correct and how best to advise the OP.
Is it really that difficult to comprehend or are you always this irrationally angry in real life?

IncrediblySadToo · 03/05/2019 15:42

If the op's child were male, everyone would be grabbing their pitchforks and calling him a sexual predator

I wouldn’t.

Group of people drinking, dancing & kissing. Makes no odds to me if they’re male or female - they’re all drunk and messing around. Don’t play then accuse others of assault when you sober up, say it was a good night, then regret it a few days later because someone’s seen the photos.

Regret is not assault.

thedancingbear · 03/05/2019 15:44

thedancingbear you really are being wilfully obtuse.

I'm really not. If the OP was posting that her son was being done for copping off with a paralytic girl in a nightclub, people would (rightly) be saying, at least, that you need to have a conversation about consent.

There wouldn't be all this shit about 'well it took her three days to report it', 'she's clearly changed her mind', 'how many other men did she pull' etc.

dottiedodah · 03/05/2019 15:45

You need to contact the Uni directly ,and explain to them what happened.The fact that there were lots of other people there ,would mean its unlikely the police would take the matter any further I would think.Its one girls word against another .Possibly impress upon your DD that too much drink can loosen inhibitions a little too much!.Learn from this experience and try to be a bit more restrained in future!

LillithsFamiliar · 03/05/2019 15:45

The other girl was too drunk to give consent so your DD's 'snog' was an assault.
The worry shouldn't be the police (who are notoriously bad at investigating and convicting for sexual assault). The worry should be the university. Your DD could easily have broken their code of conduct and anti-harassment policies.
Tell your DD to come home for a few days. She needs a bit of distance from it. You need to be clearer on exactly what happened.Then you can support her to make a decision about what to do next.

LillithsFamiliar · 03/05/2019 15:47

thedancingbear I agree with you completely.
I can't decide if this is textbook double standards or if there's another agenda going on here.

Original poster

Vasilisa19 · 03/05/2019 15:49

To be clear again....they were both drunk, both kissed, and the girl has not said she was coerced - just drunk. It may have been wrong but probably a wrong doing by both parties.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2019 15:49

"The girl has said she hasn't made up her mind as to whether she is going to report her to the police."

This to me is the interesting bit. Added to your later post, OP

"Just to be clear, the girl is NOT suggesting she coerced in any way. It was the fact the she was drunk that makes her feel she was assaulted."

I wonder if she is playing games here. Because what is the outcome of her stating she was too drunk to consent and is considering going to the police? The outcome is that your daughter is terrified and no doubt trying to appease her accuser. Putting herself in a position of power over your daughter.

spagbowlexplosion · 03/05/2019 15:55

So the girl admits she was not coerced, but she kissed DD whilst drunk and thinks this is sexual assault?
I’m always on the side of the accuser usually, but as someone that has been sexually assaulted this girl needs a slingshot into the real world and a lesson into why confusing regret and assault makes the cause harder for woman to fight.

DD will be fine Op, don’t worry.

Original poster

Vasilisa19 · 03/05/2019 15:56

@WhereYouLeftIt

Obviously I can only guess. But my gut feeling is a back story of her deciding she doesn't want to houseshare with her next year (though a contract has been signed). She said it was because she has had an offer in a better house nearer campus. I have a feeling it is her way of getting out of the contract. But as I say that is just a guess....

OP posts:

thedancingbear · 03/05/2019 16:06

Do you think women often invent allegations of sexual assault for reasons this trivial, OP?

Original poster

Vasilisa19 · 03/05/2019 16:07

I have no idea.....

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 03/05/2019 16:07

Presumably your DD xould say the same - that she herself was too drunk to consent

Meandwinealone · 03/05/2019 16:07

@thedancingbear
Really!

mcmooberry · 03/05/2019 16:14

Back to advice I think all you can do is try and give your daughter a sense of perspective, the police are almost certainly NOT going to come knocking. Your poor daughter, glad she has told you and isn't facing this all on her own.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 03/05/2019 16:16

Is it your DD that she feels coerced her? Or was it the group as a whole?

If it was 2 girls and a bunch of guys egging them on to snog each other, she may feel in retrospect that the situation was engineered, but the blame would be shared between the group?

fruitbrewhaha · 03/05/2019 16:18

This girl sounds like a nightmare to me. She is certainly no friend to your DD. If it's as you say, than I agree with WhereYouLeftIt, she is trying to wind your daughter up.

Are there any text messages or similar from thei girl say it was a great night? I'd be telling her I'd get the CCTV from the club. If she was so drunk she was propped up in a chair or on the floor I'd she was right to complain but if she is saying she wasn't coorced then what the fuck is she talking about?

NunoGoncalves · 03/05/2019 16:19

What if they were both equally drunk? Did they both sexually assault each other?

thedancingbear · 03/05/2019 16:22

What if they were both equally drunk? Did they both sexually assault each other?

Yep. If you're too pissed to consent, you can't consent.

Do you think men should get off sexual assault charges on the basis that they were hammered?

fruitbrewhaha · 03/05/2019 16:25

From your update about the house I'd say your daughter is well to not live with this girl.

From my experiance at Uni, you throw yourself into friendships with everyone you meet and by the end of it realise who your friends are.

Playmytune · 03/05/2019 16:27

BlackPrism
a 'friend' of mine accused me (to mutual friends not police or my face) of helping a boy rape her. But she told others we had a threesome.
Neither had happened, wed all watched a film and drank Guava fucking Rubicon in her room and they started kissing so I left angry the truth came out.

What truth?
That your friend was drunk and unable to give consent?
However, rather than help her you left her with a boy who obviously went ahead and had sex with her??
Sounds a lot like rape to me, and if you didn’t actually help him, you certainly made it very easy for him!!

Silly me, I thought friends looked out for each other, not walked out and left them to be raped!
With friends like you who needs enemies???

StealthPolarBear · 03/05/2019 16:29

Dancing near so you think the girl also assaulted the op's daughter?

fruitbrewhaha · 03/05/2019 16:30

But how drunk was she?
From the FPA website

Legally someone is too drunk to consent if they are incapacitated.

This would apply if, for example:

their speech is slurred or incoherent and they can’t maintain a conversation
they can’t walk properly or are wobbly and unbalanced
they seem drowsy, or fall in and out of consciousnes s
their behaviour seems wildly out of character and they’ve taken part in dangerous or risky activities
they won’t be able to remember what happened the next day
they have been vomiting.

NunoGoncalves · 03/05/2019 16:31

Yep. If you're too pissed to consent, you can't consent

So they should both be punished?

ragged · 03/05/2019 16:33

"If the op's child were male, everyone would be grabbing their pitchforks and calling him a sexual predator."

Sadly true. :(

Flip

1 2 3 4 5