DD has been accused of sexual assault!

[Vasilisa19]

20 years old, second year at Uni, a group of friends were drunk in a nightclub. Everyone in the group was kissing each other - silly student stuff. She had a drunken snog with a few people including girl who now says she has been sexually assaulted because she was too drunk to give consent.

The girl has said she hasn't made up her mind as to whether she is going to report her to the police. It was 3 days before this girl spoke up and had previously said what a good night it was. My dd is terrified and has now said she is leaving uni for good. I want her to go and talk to someone at the uni but she won't as she is scared. She thinks the police are going to turn up at any moment. I feel sick.

There is no reason for your daughter to stress. If there were witnesses, they can be spoken to in order to get more information as to whether it was consensual, drunken messing about or otherwise. Although I doubt the police will want to get involved in a drunken "she said/she said" accusation as your daughter could just say it was actually HER that was assaulted by the other girl...

But I do have to wonder about some of the comments on here. Not doubting the OP's daughter's story for a minute, but everyone is assuming OP's daughter's account is 100% accurate. Just totally being devil's advocate here, what would the reactions have been if the OP had read something like "My daughter is really upset, she was out at the pub with her friends, everyone seemed to be snogging each other and then a drunk girl, who was previously DD's best friend, suddenly started to snog her. She was a bit drunk herself and didn't consent. She feels like she was sexually assaulted. Should she report it?".

Just a thought...

Really? Had it been a male snogging a female I think that it well lead to a prosecution

Sadly I don't think so - wasn't there a recent case where a woman had managed to film being raped and that wasn't even enough.

I'd worry more about University taking some action if a complaint was raised rather than the police - though I don't think they would here but talking to the university involved would help there

Have a serious conversation with your daughter about consent and being pushy.

Some of these comments are fucking disgusting.

If your daughter was drunk and the other girl was drunk who is to say who gave consent to who? Your daughter could equally file a complaint. I don't think this will go anywhere.

do not go to the police with this at all.

go to the support services of the uni though and talk this through on consent and boundaries. tell her to not be scared easier said than done of course.

Well we are presuming the daughters account is true, because we are not judge and jury. so we are hearing one side

and @EllaEllaE

you totally took my comment out of context.

I knew this thread would turn into this. I would also say the same if the op's son was the one being accused.

people are sometimes aresholes and make false allegations

This is insane, did your daughter not drink? Who is to say that she was too drunk to consent and turn this all around?

Make sure she is careful. But don't worry, this won't go anywhere.
I feel bad saying this but it's a kiss and it's two girls, not a guy so it won't go anywhere and police will roll their eyes.

Really? Had it been a male snogging a female I think that it well lead to a prosecution

Most rape accusations don't lead to prosecution, let along snogs in nightclubs.

I don't think this will go anywhere but the rules for consent are pretty clear.
Try showing your dd the tea drinking cartoon and suggest she doesn't engage with sexual activity with drunk people.

I'm struggling to see how a snog can't be mutual. Surely the snogger and snoggee have to both be going at it in order to create the snog?

And it has been described as a snog. Not a forced kiss where someone is pinned down and roughly kissed.

How would anyone know who had assaulted whom if indeed any assault had taken place?

Also, gotta say I'm shocked by some of the 'blame the victim' comments on here.

"Sounds like this girl has been teased after the event and is trying to back pedal by making out she was coerced. Gawd drink and students."

"I fear the other girl clearly has some underlying issues"

"the other girl [is] clearly going to be a troublemaker"

wfactualf?? Are you going to ask next what the girl was wearing or wonder what her previous history was like?

This.

Look OP, nothing's going to come of this, it's so rare that rape is prosecuted, nothing is going to come of a kiss.

But neither you nor your daughter should ignore the possibility that she assaulted her friend. She may not have intended it, and there may have been no malice. But if she initiated the kiss and the friend was too drunk to consent, that is assault and your daughter needs to face up to that.

Also, this actually is appropriate - is your daughter gay?
If you daughter is straight it kind of backs up the whole drunk-girls-having-a-laugh
also the fact it was because the other girl was too drunk is almost hilarious and I think this case is DISGUSTING because people are actually sexually assaulted regularly and this is not even worth anyone's time. So this girl needs speaking to, providing your DD's version of events are true.

Was your DD also drinking?

@2cats2many completely agree. this is taking the whole 'too drunk to consent' thing in the wrong way. Who is to say who was more drunk than the other?

I feel awful for your DD. This is not assault in the slightest.

Yes she was drinking and no she is straight and has a boyfriend

This almost happened to me at uni - totally unwarranted because the girl was a closeted lesbian, enjoyed the kiss a bit too much, and got angry because I didn’t want to take it further. (Apparently I was not allowed to have standards as I’m bi). I accused her back of bullying and harrassment and the university took my side because apparently she had done this before.

It will blow over.
The good thing is your DD was able to confide in you. Most wouldn’t.
I am sure she will be fine with such a supportive mum.

I would advise your daughter to go and see the welfare and student support teams at university.

All uni's now have to have a sexual violence and harassment support service following a government directive, and they are the best people to talk to about this.

If your daughters version of events is true, having regrets about sexual activity isn't assault. Snogging someone who is resisting or is an unwilling participant, is.

It'sthe OPs dd that's describing it as a "snog". Maybe it felt less consensual than that to the other girl?

I somehow think this thread would have gone differently if the OP had been posting about her son.

Interesting to see that 'we believe you' goes straight out of the fucking window when the accused is (i) female and (ii) the OP's kid.

Really instructive actually.

Just to be clear, the girl is NOT suggesting she coerced in any way. It was the fact the she was drunk that makes her feel she was assaulted.

This will go precisely nowhere.

Your DD hasn’t assaulted anyone. People throw that around so lightly, is diminishes actual sexual assault.

She said it was a good night for a couple of days...then decided it was assault. Who saw the photos on social media? Parents? Siblings? Boyfriend? Someone, who then made he say she was assaulted...

Your DD needs to go & speak to someone at the uni, preferably this afternoon.

She doesn’t need to be lectured about consent or watch her drinking so she doesn’t assault someone...what a load of crap. They were all drinking, dancing & kissing. Along with a HUGE percentage of uni students across the UK. It’s hardly unusual 🙄 and definitely not assault. Fgs. Stop diminishing actual assault.

Poor DD. I hope she gets it sorted out quickly.

If the op's child were male, everyone would be grabbing their pitchforks and calling him a sexual predator.

Regarding prosecutions, yes serious sexual assaults are going unpunished. There is a thread on this right now. But the “easy” cases? They get prosecuted. For example, a man grabbing a woman’s bum in a bar, will be prosecuted because there are witnesses CCTV etc. It’s an “easy win”. So the argument about this going nowhere because serious cases don’t, doesn’t apply.

OP, there will have likely been CCTV in the club and there will be witnesses. So, IF this girl goes to the police it will depend on what the witnesses say, anything caught on camera etc.

Explain to the stupid girl that’s regret, not assault. Two equally drunk girls snogged. They may both regret it, they might not, it’s not assault either way.

‘We believe you’ is not helping in situations like this. She needs a wee chat about self responsibility. She engaged in some snogging, when she was hammered, that she now regrets, that’s HER doing, no one else’s. No one else is more responsible for you, than you are yourself...especially if you’re both hammered.