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Original poster

Inheritance

63 replies

gwyneira5 · 01/05/2019 19:03

Recently I have received a share of my parents family home. My mother is still alive and moved into sheltered housing. She sold her house and has given us the money to do what we want. Its a lovely gesture and has given me financial security. About twenty years ago I got divorced and have two middle aged sons. I decided to give them a sum of money enough to treat themselves and a bit more. The youngest one is refusing to take the money off me, well he will accept it but only if it comes through a third party. He is his fathers son who took the separation I think quite badly even though he was in his early twenties. I was married to a controlling man who after waiting for the children to grow up I was glad to escape. Am I being unreasonable to say if he doesn't take the money off me himself then that's it.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 01/05/2019 19:06

Not at all. Why is he being so difficult?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/05/2019 19:08

What does this mean?

The youngest one is refusing to take the money off me, well he will accept it but only if it comes through a third party.

So he wants you to give it to your sister for her to give it to him? (Or similar?) so it’s jot “from you”
🙄 good grief...

Ultimately parents are human and children need to recognise that at some point. He is middle aged he can’t keep beating you to death with a stick from the past...

I think if he doesn’t want the money from you then just keep it...

he somehow wants to punish you for your (bad?) choices indefinitely whilst simultaneously taking your money but in a way that allows him to keep the imaginary high ground.

Sod that.

Banhaha · 01/05/2019 19:10

I don't think that's unreasonable of you at all. It's a gift from you.

BogglesGoggles · 01/05/2019 19:13

Just be wary of spending it. If your mother ends up needing state funded care they may chase you for the funds. Is it possible this is why he wants it through a third party?

category12 · 01/05/2019 19:13

Well, your gift to him is coming with strings attached: contact with you.

But it's a bit odd that he'd accept the money if it came via the third party.

If you don't give it to him on his terms, are you okay with him resenting that and it making things worse between you?

If you wanted him to have it to make his life easier and hive him some fun, then give it to him on his terms.

RainbowMum11 · 01/05/2019 19:13

I think that's perfectly reasonable, sounds like he needs to grow up & get over it - and accept that his Dad isn't perfect .

Original poster
gwyneira5 · 01/05/2019 19:14

He wants me to give the money to his brother who will pass it to him I know his brother will but I would like to give it to him myself.

He has a lot to do with his dad who has a bad attitude to women anyway. Both sons don't work, youngest is very well educated but doesn't seem to have any work ethic. Just don't know what I did wrong, always did everything for them, but he seems to resent my life now

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 01/05/2019 19:16

Put it in the bank and forget it's there. One day he might come back to you and you can decide when it's right for you to pass to him.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2019 19:17

both sons don't work

Then why give them money Confused

Are there good reasons- stay at home parents ?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/05/2019 19:18

Don’t give it to him but put it aside for when he grows up (maturity wise)

GarthFunkel · 01/05/2019 19:24

I wouldn't give it to either of them. If your mother needs care, they will come after you for the money. And if neither of them work having savings will effect their benefits.

HermioneWeasley · 01/05/2019 19:27

Fuck that. He accepts a gift from you or not at all

Singlenotsingle · 01/05/2019 19:29

Keep it. Neither of them deserve it. And as a pp has said, you might be chased for the money in the future to cover your dm's care home costs. Invest it wisely. If there's anything be left, your DS can inherit on your death.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/05/2019 19:29

My mother is still alive and moved into sheltered housing. She sold her house and has given us the money to do what we want.

IANAL but it's my understanding that if your DM needs to go into a care home but she doesn't have the resources to pay then the powers that be will be in their rights to come after you for the money. She will be thought of as divesting herself of assets that should be available for care costs.

Dodie66 · 01/05/2019 19:30

Another one to say be wary of spending it. If your mother gave it to you and then needs care the local authority might say she was getting rid of assets and they can claw back the money for her care

JumpingFrogs · 01/05/2019 19:33

Unless your mother lives for another 7 years you may find the money forms part of her estate for inheritance tax purposes (40% tax). I think it is what HMRC call a "potentially exempt transfer " (potentially being the key word)

RandomMess · 01/05/2019 19:34

I was going to say the same about inheritance tax plus deprivation of assists, I wouldn't be spending any of this money yet!

Original poster
gwyneira5 · 01/05/2019 19:35

My mother pays full rent at the moment and has enough money if she needs to go into a care home, I am aware if it runs out we would be liable to pay. Thanks though for the heads up. I can see it may be classed as a gift with strings but everything is always on his terms. No reason why they don't work, hard to except but had to accept it

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/05/2019 19:37

Oh don't give him money if he's got such a bad attitude towards you. Put it into YOUR bank and just say, "Oh, okay." He will come round.

MarieG10 · 01/05/2019 19:47

I wouldn't give such an immature young man the money. He seems to have problems he needs to work through and money won't help that

Bringbackthestripes · 01/05/2019 19:49

Are you saying he won’t accept a cheque signed from you, that sibling has to hand cheque over rather than you? or that sibling has to hand cash over?

I wouldn’t not give it him as that will be another thing for him to hold against you and I couldn’t treat children differently regardless of the situation. When older, and he has children of his own, or when he gets a lot older and grows up, there is a good chance he will be saying how sorry he is but less of a chance if you treat him differently to his sibling.

Just write a cheque, it will bug him he has to bank something with your name on.

JingsMahBucket · 01/05/2019 19:53

It seems he has unfortunately “inherited” his father’s abusive and controlling way.

Robin2323 · 01/05/2019 19:54

Even through a third party it still comes from you so he's talking rubbish.
Just say ok then.
Anything else is manipulative.

Charley50 · 01/05/2019 20:02

Care homes cost a fortune. I would also be wary of actually spending the money, or giving it away, in case the LA come looking for it. Though a certain amount can be given away every year anyway.

JapaneseNotWeed · 01/05/2019 20:03

I would donate it to the Donkey Sanctuary. At least then you can spread it around several asses and not just one 😁

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