ScreamingLadySutch interesting article. But I think it shies away from the "sulking as punishment" element.
I disagree
Men have the same ability to listen and communicate as women, you do realise you're giving those men that say "my wife doesn't understand me" validity?
Good men (I agree they're few and far between) usually don't NEED to be told what is good and decent behaviour towards their partner spouse.
Myself and a few other posters have noted on the type of threads where others respond things like "he's living in the 50's" that actually older generations of men in certain ways behave/d better than, I would say, those currently aged 50 or younger.
Yes, division of labour was along old fashioned sexist borders BUT there WAS division of labour! A HUGE problem I notice with the current crop of husbands/partners and particularly those that are fathers to non adult children is LAZINESS.
Something my father, uncles and grandfathers could NEVER have been accused of (they absolutely weren't saints but of this they were never guilty).
Yes the women were primarily responsible for childcare, most of the housework, cooking, but the men did far more than "modern" men do in terms of being primarily responsible for household finances, admin, DIY, decorating, building maintenance, garden maintenance, car maintenance, "heavy" jobs like carrying shopping, hoovering (this one surprised me until I TRIED to move my grans ancient Hoover 😂 weighed a bloody ton!), moving furniture, putting items away in loft/garage, building toys that required it...
And it's a myth they weren't involved with their children too, traditionally they got more involved as children got older - which makes sense biologically and in terms of dividing labour, for mums to care for the babies they were likely bf and thus spending more time with so dads gradually take over care of older ones, doing things like teaching them to cycle, swim, climb, light fires, build things, read, helping with homework, teaching them about nature...
I've read several threads this week alone where the husband/partner and father does NOTHING beyond their paid job - and in some of those cases the paid job wasn't even full time! LAZY!
The women have TOLD these men what the problem is very clearly, BEGGED them to "help" with their own CHILDRENS basic needs largely to no avail.
And then these men claim to not understand why the woman is pissed off and considering divorce/separation!
Regarding physical intimacy - mismatched sex drives are common but it's not always the wives that aren't interested. There are quite a few threads discussing the man's low sex drive. It can be a tricky thing to navigate and requires careful, considerate discussion.
Though I have to say, again, that often a lack of sexual interest from the woman can be the result of resentment, hurt and emotional exhaustion caused by his poor care of his wife's needs. At the most basic level a woman who is doing EVERYTHING apart from his paid job is more than likely too knackered to want sex!
On the rare occasions a man posts complaining about a lack of sex it's usually fairly quickly ascertained he's not putting effort into the relationship (they try to claim otherwise or fudge but it's rarely not seen through) and when they're rightly criticised for this and told if they address this they may well find their wife is again interested they tend to flounce!
I don't believe women don't care about or enjoy a good sex life (medical ailments notwithstanding which can affect libido) women enjoy sex as much as men - but not if their sex partner is treating them like shit! Major turn off
Re vows - I think many men need reminding of what the vows mean! They're not an ethereal entity that magically binds a couple together they're promises to behave in such a way as to nurture and maintain the relationship.
If they REALLY believed in them more than women they would act accordingly.
That means loving ACTIVELY - caring for your spouse, supporting them, helping them without always having to be asked - much less nagged, cajoled and coerced into doing the basics!
Cherish means to protect and care for that which you love. That to me means protecting your marriage as well as your spouse.
And don't even get me started on "forsaking all others" which far too many men ignore pretty early on!
"Maybe a new version of the marriage vows is needed.
To love, cherish and share domestic tasks"
I know you were speaking in jest but I do think it would make sense if they were clearer and worded more appropriately for modern life.
Would take a lot of consultation but for me should include things like:
Be faithful - in heart & mind as well as body. Prioritise your marriage and don't even THINK of entertaining flirtations from others.
Be fair - don't expect them to be your slave, share responsibilities and tasks equally.
Be kind - there's the most obvious abuses of course, but also less obvious like sulking, not stepping up when your spouse needs you to (sickness is one example, but there's also times when one or other is just more tired or lower in emotional reserves than the other)
Communicate - kindly and clearly. But not just when you're talking, LISTEN - listening is a real skill and active listening would solve many communications issues.
Be supportive - in all ways. Life ebbs and flows. Sometimes one spouse will have more money/time/energy and the other less, you balance each other out.
Personally I also think people should get couple counselling before marrying/moving in together (pipe dream I know!) to identify potential conflicts and differences in ideology, ideally with a view to addressing them, finding a way to compromise but sometimes it could mean a couple learns they're not well suited.
Again on other threads I've noticed a LOT of couples move in together before discussing their beliefs/attitudes on MAJOR issues like
Whether to have children or not
If so when - inc before or after marriage
If they are having children will one reduce hours or become a sahp and if so who
Which childcare & how to cover sickness etc
How to organise finances
If neither has a property large enough for their needs (this is usually also an issue for couples with children from previous relationships, having had at least one relationship breakdown you'd think they had the sense to at least communicate but apparently not) where will they live and how will that be facilitated
Division of labour
I find it shocking how easily people move in together especially blending families without even discussing such things far less reaching agreement.