Why is it the majority of men just bury their heads in the sand when their wives are unhappy in the marriage?

[BillyBusStop]

When I divorced, my lawyer told me that 75% of divorces are initiated by wives against husbands. I tried EVERYTHING to get my exdh to engage in some sort of relationship therapy because I didn't want the marriage to break. We were together over 20yrs. His answer was 'If you've got a problem, that's your problem - go away & deal with it & come back when you have done'. He refused to join me in doing anything, we had no sex life, all assets were strictly controlled by him & in his sole name. Over the course of my therapy, I woke up to the realities of my relationship & it became untenable to continue.

Now two of my friends are in the same boat. Husbands refusing to engage with any sort of counselling, don't want the status quo to change & are both about to lose their wives. I find it SO sad. What is it about so many men that makes them resolutely refuse to engage?

There could be any number of factors coming into play with the disparity in genders for initiating divorce.

• Maybe men behave "worse" in marriage.
• Maybe women have a lower threshold for unhappiness, or are more likely to act on being unhappy.
• Maybe there's less incentive for men to divorce given they are more typically the higher earner, and they're particularly sensitive to financial loss. They're also likely to see their kids far less.

Interesting fact - in same sex couples, the divorce rate among lesbians is famously much higher than the divorce rate among gay men.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/lesbian-couples-more-likely-divorced-male-same-sex-marriages-uk-ons-figures-a8006741.html

Make of that what you will, but I think it tends to point at the fact that women, on average, tend to have a lower threshold for tolerating an unhappy relationship, regardless of the gender of their partner.

I think that there is some truth in saying men don't listen when their wives tell them they are unhappy. Mine certainly didn't - and I spent almost 7 years telling him in a variety of ways.

So when I told him I wanted a divorce, I meant it and there was no going back. I told him very clearly and explicitly some time before that he was on his last shot, and he blew it. He knew exactly what the situation was and what the consequences would be.

He still didn't take it on board, until some months after he'd moved out and it all came crashing in on him that he had massively fucked up. By then it was too late - DDs and I were so much happier without him.

I think women try and try and try, and then when they finally call time, they really mean it and don't backtrack.

Wow this is a thread I had to comment on .
Forgive me as I am one of those men that has buried his head in the sand and let days turn into weeks and months without being proactive. My life has become a mess , my wife wants a divorce , and without going into al the details ( I have put a thread on under divorce/ seperation) I could end up homeless pennyless I’m already jobless.
Sorry for being the weaker sex because we are I will always admit that .

paulafc1. You were happy once, but I bet life is not the same now.
People are allowed to change and both parties in a marriage have caused the split...
Because if you were perfect, she would not be leaving you...

Life is not good at the moment and want to feel better .

You need to fix that for yourself, Paul.
She's not responsible for you.

I know , this is what I’m struggling with along with the financial mess.

Every marriage is different, because the two parties are different. We all have individual unique experiences and no two of us experience life the exact same way.

I equally think there are women who ignore the issues in a marriage, which may contribute to their spouse being unhappy.

I can agree with some of what lovingspirit said tbh. Sometimes I expect my DH to know what's wrong because I think it's blindingly obvious. A minor example if I struggle to carry in a load of bags/shopping and don't get help... I may well be ticked off afterwards. I don't expect to have to ask for help...when it's obvious I need help.

One of the reasons I think some men may ignore it, us because they are the chief income earners and don't want the high cost of a split... especially if they have a SAHW who hasn't worked for 20 odd years..no up to date skills.... possibly no desire to work....kids grown up etc...

As a man in this position you realise a split will mean a significant drop in lifestyle and in a long marriage the woman can get some of your pension. It's hardly a thrilling prospect.

So instead of facing the issue...they bury their heads in the sand. Even when they themselves are unhappy... they don't want to be the bad guy and pull the plug on the marriage. Very cowardly behaviour.

On the flip side my DB raised the issues of being unhappy and either got threatened with divorce or asked if he thought marriage was a fairy tale.

She's now an ExWife, because like a number of men...she apparently didnt want the marriage to end, but wouldn't do anything to change the situation.

paul the best thing you can do now is learn from experience so that you go into a future relationship better prepared for sharing your life with someone else. That's what I wanted for my H - for him to learn from his mistakes and find someone else.

And I am not by any means saying I was perfect in our marriage - just that I wasn't the one breaking it by drinking and emotionally neglecting then abusing our DDs.

Hmm....who'd have thought a question based on a sweeping generalisation about an entire gender might sinply degenerate into a battle of the sexes?

Are we having fun yet?

Some great points , with me she has been the high income earner and while I have paid in NI for 34 years , I gave up work on her say so about 4 years ago which has made things worse.

Yes I am praying I get through the stress and the bad thoughts going through my head as I do want to learn from this , I have a lot to offer someone and despite what has happened I’m hard working and do not want to waste the rest of my life on my own.

What precipitated her telling you to give up work?

No fun on my part , I’m too stressed , I don’t wish this type of situation on anyone Male or female .

So you wanted to quit work to reduce stress and get more enjoyment out of life and your wife agreed with your decision?

I think the cost of the spilt and the big change in standard of living is a big factor in many divorces.
From my own experience I feel there are a lot of men who expect women to be their mother and housekeeper and almost seem to think that by making a "sacrifice" by marrying them, they've done their bit.

My STBXH was awful, moody, unpleasant, lazy, dirty and a slob. I feel those things partly came from him having no respect, not for me, but for women generally. You could see the same in the way he treated his mother,

The number of times I tried to talk to him in the last 6 months and said if we can't discuss things, this marriage isn't going to work. He didn't want to know, I gave up trying, had a nervous breakdown because of his controlling and vile behaviour and left him. I didn't give up easily, only when it became evident that he wasn't prepared to do anything to help the marriage have a chance of surviving.

No, because we were living up north ( I’m from down south ) she was headhunted which meant moving 4 times so I even tried running my own pet service business but didn’t work out , I even started working for Age UK and Centerparcs which was off my own back but handed in my notice to both last September to get the house and garden ready to sell .

There rarely seems to be any rhyme or reason to unreasonable behaviour. Is she saying no to sex because she is tired, hormonal or simply embarrassed that she hasn’t shaved her legs? Is she telling me not to sit on the sofa next to her because there is a problem with our marriage or because kids were playing up? You never know. No point looking for causes all the time because sometimes there simply isn’t one

This is bollocks logic.

You: Women are unreasonable for no reason
Also you: Here are some reasons I have though up but which one could it be?
You again: How can I possibly find out the reason
Still you: No point trying to find out the reason because there isn't one

Written in the same bewildered tone I use when I'm trying to work out why by pet rabbit throws shoes. Communicate!

Here I'll start you off:
"DW, I've noticed a recent [behaviour/type of comment/habit/change] and it's made me feel a bit [insert feeling here]. An example of this would be when [incident] and I felt [feeling] afterwards. Can we please discuss this [behaviour/type of comment/habit/change] as I'd like to understand how you feel and tell you how I feel"

Also this more belief in the marriage vows amongst men ‘till death do us part” than women. I suspect most men are convinced their marriage is forever, women not so much ...if we're talking sweeping generalisations here maybe some men are just conditioned to take their partner for granted because DWs were historically less able to initiate a break up...so they think they can behave how they want. Old fashioned thinking, that. Nowadays women are much more able to leave (with the ringing chorus of MNers "LTB!" in the background).

There is another reason too. We just don’t give a shit. I went through all this with my wife but the top and bottom of it was I just didn’t like her anymore so she could have suggested anything and I wouldn’t have been interested. However, I had a baby with her and didn’t want to leave or for her to leave me until the baby was old enough to have developed the bond with me so I played the game for 5 years. The end result was still the same. We divorced but I maintained regular contact with my now adult daughter. I am convinced that had I left 5 years earlier she would have moved on and I would have been replaced by a new “daddy”

It’s not always as simple as not listening. I fully understood the issues.

My take it that when a man loses interest in you then it’s over. If he won’t fully commit to the process then he is just buying time. He doesn’t care about you. Just self preservation whether that he house/income/children. Whatever.

Sorry to hear of your breakdown , are you ok now ?.
I respect her and women ( despite what has happened )
I have always made sure she doesn’t have to do things while I was not working like washing etc , always made dinners and she liked to cook as well .
I’m not dirty or lazy , defo not a slob .
I hope you have moved on now and are in a better place .

And yet, Paul, your failed business and decision to quit your job to prepare your house to sell (most people do this on their weekends) are all her fault? You seem to blame her for all of your own decisions that you regret taking. The answer to why she's had enough lies there.

Sometimes, and this is partly for me, I think the 'home' is more important for women, because they spend more time there, and are more invested in what happens there. They are responsible for more of the chores, they do more care for the DC, they carry the mental load for what happens. So if they are unhappy 'in the home' then it affects everything.

Whereas for men, because they aren't as invested in 'the home', they get some of their happiness from elsewhere, work, sport, friends, the pub down the road, etc. If 'home' becomes uncomfortable, they can tune it out.

So when it comes to crunch time, because women are so unhappy, the men are perplexed, because they never got to the point of feeling THAT unhappy. Then when they split up, suddenly everything becomes less happy because suddenly their new 'home' is sooo much worse than it was before, and it is now affecting how they feel.

No I have not said it’s her fault ? I am not putting any blame on her .
All I have meant is after a long time of her saying to me “ you don’t need to work there is enough work for you to be getting on with “ I eventually did this and regret doing it, nothing more nothing less .

Good points , we have been in a 200 year old cottage and believe me from what I have done inside and out it was a lot of work which don’t get me wrong as much as it was hard work I enjoyed it.
She has said to me more than once I need to get a social life back as I have put everything and more into the house .

In quite a few cases men grow up not really having to care about anyone but themselves. It's bit unrealistic for them to start caring about someone else when they've never really had to before.

As for women filing the majority of the divorces; quite a few have to do it or it would never get done. It seems to be one of those annoying things to men like cleaning the toilet, that someone else should handle.

I had to file as he never would. Quite a few women I know had to file because their exes had already fecked off with the OW and couldn't be bothered with the messy details of a divorce.