Why is it the majority of men just bury their heads in the sand when their wives are unhappy in the marriage?

[BillyBusStop]

When I divorced, my lawyer told me that 75% of divorces are initiated by wives against husbands. I tried EVERYTHING to get my exdh to engage in some sort of relationship therapy because I didn't want the marriage to break. We were together over 20yrs. His answer was 'If you've got a problem, that's your problem - go away & deal with it & come back when you have done'. He refused to join me in doing anything, we had no sex life, all assets were strictly controlled by him & in his sole name. Over the course of my therapy, I woke up to the realities of my relationship & it became untenable to continue.

Now two of my friends are in the same boat. Husbands refusing to engage with any sort of counselling, don't want the status quo to change & are both about to lose their wives. I find it SO sad. What is it about so many men that makes them resolutely refuse to engage?

I can probably relate to that and sounds bang on .

@paulafc1

Some great points , with me she has been the high income earner and while I have paid in NI for 34 years , I gave up work on her say so about 4 years ago which has made things worse.

This is the crux of the problem. You gave up work on her say so. So you allowed her to make a very important decision for you, then things got worse.

In a good marriage with mutual respect, one spouse does not make a unilateral decision. Things like this need to be discussed and agreed.

IME although not in all cases, women lose respect for a man who doesn't bring in an income.

No matter what progress has been made in equality, it is still not the norm to be the SAHP as a man.

Quite a few women I know had to file because their exes had already fecked off with the OW and couldn't be bothered with the messy details of a divorce.

Very true... because they don't want to split assets and want to duck and dive.

They are in no rush to marry the OW...but she probably gets told the wife is being difficult.

I think sometimes it’s as simple as a threat versus reality. You can shout and say how unhappy you may be etc but

Nothing says fuck off like well, saying fuck off. I think the reason a lot of men seem surprised is that really, they think women don’t do that, and certainly not to them.

Some men (by no means all) really do think of marriage as being a kind of contractual motherhood - you are suppose to give endlessly. You can always tell men like this because they bang on about how tremendous their wives are - while doing absolutely nothing. Now in any other relationship you’d be told fuck off pretty quick if you did that - but marriage? It’s expected for life from these sorts.

@MBFY162 I think you've hit the nail on the head there for a lot of men. They just couldn't care less.

Also, I genuinely believe that a good percentage of men can't stand the thought of being on their own (or can't cope on their own). Its very common for men who have separated/split/divorce to be with another woman very quickly, whereas the female will enjoy spending time on her own before going down that road again.

I think the same applies when men are also unhappy. I know of two men (massive sample, clearly 😬🤣) who are pretty unhappy in their marriages (both approx 30 years together), but will not front it up with their wives, even less leave them, for fear of breaking up the family home, having to move out and be separated from their kids. And both of those have said, I married for better or worse. And need to stick by my vows. Don't know how representative it is, but in those cases, it's true that they are unlikely to initiate a separation.

**20 years together, not 30.

I told my XH that I was desperately unhappy

I begged him to pull his weight

I said I’d leave if things didn’t change

When I told him I was leaving, he begged for “one last chance”. I gave it to him

Nothing changed so I left

He insists that he just needed one more chance and that I didn’t do enough to make my feelings known. Crying daily and begging for him to do mire wasn't clear enough

I was the main earner. I worked nights and during the day had the 4 children. He worked part time and had “hobbies” that took up his spare time

In my experience, which doesn't naturally equate to all (disclaimer)

My exH thought he didn't have to change because the issue was mine. Apparently according to him, He was fine with the current arrangement of him doing precisely fuck all and me doing everything so why would should HE change?

Rude awakening I can tell you when those divorce papers landed on his ass.

In my case my STBEXH said he didn't know what to do or say when I told him how unhappy I was, so his solution was to do and say zero. To the point I actually forgot I had told him!

Then 3 months later I told him again (Although I thought the was the first time) and his response was 'Well I know that' I was fuming at his total disregard for how unhappy I was and the knowledge that he was prepared to do zero about it, unless once I again, I facilitated it. Like everything else in our marriage. Only then did he say he would do anything to fix it.

But too little too late. I had checked out long ago. I had made it clear for years things that bothered me (total lack of effort in his appearance for one thing) but because these things didn't bother him, then he wasn't prepared to do anything about it, showing that he cared very little for my feelings.

He was totally my 3rd child, which I told him and he admitted. Not attractive in a partner. He does nothing unless I tell him to or suggest it and even then it will take more times and months before it may get done. It took him 3 years to finish some painting and that was only because it ended up being pointed out by someone else that it still hadn't been done. There are many more examples of stuff like that and it grinds you down.

I'm not saying it's all his fault. I mentally checked out from him and wasn't interested or invested. Or sex life was non exisitant. But again he wasn't ever going to discuss these things. He kept his head firmly in the sand and I think he genuinely believed that we would just keep on as we were.

We'll we aren't. I've filed for divorce and I felt nothing but relief when I finally told him 6 months after originally bringing up my unhappiness. Once again he left that decision up to me. Even though it was very very obvious what I wanted and that I wasn't happy with him, he would have clung onto me forever.

Oh and I know a man in the same situation. He tried everything to make his long term relationship work. She was not prepared to do anything to sort it. She was perfectly content to keep things as they were. He ultimately said he couldn't keep trying to fix it and if she wanted to, she could come to him. 3 years later she still hadn't bothered and I didn't blame him at all for finding someone who would show him some love and how a partnership should work. Everyone he knows said it's been a long time coming and they can't believe he put up with it for so long. She, on the other hand, is extremely bitter and very angry and refuses to acknowledge anything she may have done wrong. I know he stayed for their child and he was afraid of being alone. He hasn't been afraid to admit that. I think a lot of men are the same actually. A crap relationship is better than no relationship.

Blame their mums?
Just kidding. You'll have to find a dads forum and ask there to get a fair trial..

Kind of same boat. My husband decided to end things but refused to engage in any kind of counselling or therapy or anything to save us. It was move out and wash his hands if the marriage rather than fight for it at all

That day I learnt you couldn’t listen to what was being said but you had to play the bizarre game of psychologist body language interpreter to maybe have a chance of working out was happening

I don’t think men would have to do this so much if they bothered to stop and think how their actions impact other people.

If I’ve been a bit selfish, left DH to pick up my slack, maybe had a few too many evenings out and left DH to do dinner and bath times, I KNOW I’m tipping over into taking liberties. I don’t need him to spell it out for me in words of one syllable. Because I understand that in a functional relationship, you have consideration for the other person. You don’t just crack on and hope you keep getting away with it.

They dont like confrontation or addressing the truth. Im totally miserable in my marriage brought on by finding about his EA 2 years ago. Taken me 2 years to anaylise and finally see him for what he is...what he's done to me mentally. He plods along as if nothings happened!!!

I don't think men notice. They're usually so into work and themselves and all things they think real men should be like that they have no idea if their wives are happy or not.

I certainly think the lack of confrontation is an issue for many and i think an awful lot of men aren't keen on talking about feelings. I do think there are a lot of people (both sexes) who think that they have to do the conventional thing, marriage, kids etc and then find it actually a bit Groundhog Day

I think the same applies when men are also unhappy. I know of two men (massive sample, clearly 😬🤣) who are pretty unhappy in their marriages (both approx 30 years together), but will not front it up with their wives, even less leave them, for fear of breaking up the family home, having to move out and be separated from their kids.

Yep I know a few men like this. One of them is clearly having a midlife crisis but trying to keep his shit together and make the best of things. But he is (IMHO) very unhappy. And yet just sort of plodding on.

And - I know I'm generalising here and it can work both ways - what tends to happen is that man is very unhappy because family and kids isn't everything it was billed as when he signed up. But he plods on. Wife is often unaware he is unhappy or just thinks he is a grumpy bugger. Not much would make him leave because of kids etc. Then man meets someone else and suddenly gives up on the relationship, 'I was never happy, I'm not in love with you anymore, no I don't want to go to counselling' and then he completely checks out. There is very little his wife can do at that point because he is gone in all but body. Just completely checked out.

I often think about marriage and what it might be like to be married, and I wonder if that same very common dynamic will happen to me if I get hitched. It really makes me sad that so many marriage hit exactly the same situations (almost always after having kids) and end up going as described above. It seems like there is such a big window where things can be salvaged before the bloke falls for someone else and either leaves or has an affair, and most couples don't do much to mend things when they are in the salvageable window. Then it all goes to shit after a while. I have seen it happen in so many relationships. And it makes me really sad.

There is another reason too. We just don’t give a shit.

This is it. I think many men don't give a shit about their wives, but at the same time don't really mind co habitating with a person they hate so long as they cooks, cleans, do all childcare and organises everything.

Whereas women don't like living with someone who despises them and treats them as a personal slave. This is quite understandable.

I think part of it is women want to be loved, or at least liked and respected. Men want to be taken care of, and maybe look at a nice arse once in a while.

I know in my relationship, if we have an argument I feel upset until we resolve it or at least until some time has passed. For whatever reason it's important to me that he loves and respects me.

However DH really couldn't care less. It doesn't effect him at all if I'm upset or the relationship is bad. I could love him or hate his guts, it's not something he would care either way about.

The English are emotionally stunted. Men more so than women. Those who went to boarding school in particular. My husband has some issues from his horrible parents but he refuses to address them. He categorically doesn’t believe in therapy. I manage his resultant behaviour to a degree by erecting firm barriers against it being directed at me and making him aware when he is harming himself but he’ll never address it. I understand that it’s difficult but I’ve addressed my childhood issues and am completely fine now and very emotionally controlled unless I am tired. In that sense I’ve managed to deal with most of the problems from my end (I don’t need any propping up and have developed the tollerance to provide him with emotional support). But it doesn’t mean that it isn’t frustrating when I am tired and obviously the relationship has limited value to me as a result. It’s strange. He’s very clever but he doesn’t see how vulnerable he’s made himself.

Oh this is interesting this thread has cropped up now.

I've just been discussing on another thread recently about why it's in most women's interests to Marry rather than cohabit.

Which I believe feeds in to why men are more reluctant to divorce - money!

In most het relationships the man is worth more financially.

If the couple divorce the assets are (fairly) divided but how often do we hear of men claiming they were "screwed over" in a divorce? When actually they weren't?

I'd be very interested to know the stats on who initiates separation in cohabiting couples, and even if it's still mostly women if it's to the same level as married women.

Then as per pps add in:

If their needs are getting met (clean house, fed, kids raised with little effort from them, sexually - inc outside the marriage) there's no incentive to divorce

Not wanting to look "the bad guy" who's abandoned their family

Sarah242 - this sounds applicable to your situation, very immature, I had that nonsense from boyfriends in my teens who rather than be "the bad guy" would act moody, distant and uncaring in order to make you dump them! It's pathetic!

Not being affected by their wife's unhappiness

Alovingspirit - what a load of twaddle! I've been no more difficult to understand than any moody man, I've witnessed & experienced men being told point blank in words of one syllable of an issue in their relationship only to later claim they weren't! Men that claim this tend to lack insight into their own faults and failings and blame others for everything.

As for men believing in marriage is forever, again in my experience that is usually because they expect their partner/spouse to put up with their crap! Not because they understand they need to improve their own behaviour.

Pissedonatrains post at 1513 is spot on too, too many men are not raised to care for others beyond the min required to get their needs met, are too used to everyone else doing everything else for them.

"They are in no rush to marry the OW...but she probably gets told the wife is being difficult." My ex did this. Claimed I was dragging my feet with the divorce when actually I'd instigated and my lawyer and I had been chasing him on some forms he was sitting on for months! Ow (former friend) was pushing to Marry before the child conceived within the affair was born and eventually pulled me up because he'd told her it was me, next time we met I handed her photocopies of the many letters back and forth between my lawyer and his, with his lawyers letters stating he was constantly reminding him to no avail. She went nuts!! Following week - forms completed and returned 😂

Even the point of his having the affair, when she told him she was pregnant he fell apart - on me!! He said he'd never meant it to be anything more than a bit of fun, didn't want us to break up and it had all "gone wrong" - no acknowledgement no realisation that he'd brought it on himself!

Of course women can be shitty too, but I'm afraid in my experience it's less often and less destructively.

@Graphista yes, we didn’t have children but he did everything he could to keep from appearing the bad guy. He even told his family that I was cheating on him. I never confronted him about his affair, just went and filed for divorce. He started telling me he never really wanted a divorce, he needed me, etc.

He didn’t want to do the emotional work to keep our marriage strong, but he didn’t want to do the work to end it either!

So I’ve always disliked the stat about women initiating divorce. I would never have chosen divorce on my own. I only filed once it was clear that despite my best efforts, my marriage was over and I was the only one participating in it.

@Graphista @ Sarah242

you're spot on.

He was telling OW and anyone who would listen that I refused to divorce him. He's the one that had the affair and checked out.

For someone who wanted out so badly, he not once bothered to file. OW was chomping at the bit for him to marry her so she could come to our country.

I had to file and pay for the divorce. I had to nag him for months to sign the papers.

One of his friends messaged me having a go at me saying I was a crazy stalker who wouldn't let him go blah blah blah. I wonder where she got that idea from lol.

I had enough. He drug all these people into our marriage so he could portray himself as some downtrodden victim of a bad evil wife.

I had enough and sent that friend enough evidence to show that I had been trying to divorce him for over a year and he was stalling.

She shut her trap about it then as she knew he was lying.