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Original poster

Methods to overcome jealousy? DPs stunning ex visiting for weekend

70 replies

Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 04:31

DP & I together 2 years, currently living abroad. He has 2 friends visiting this weekend - friend 1 I know, good company and we've spoken online a bit. Friend 2 wasn't invited by us but is close with friend 1 so tagging along. friend 2 is extremely beautiful (natalie imbruglia comes to mind) and I don't really know her and she and DP kind of dated for around a month a couple of yrs ago before it fizzled out. This weekend has been hanging over me - I'm not scared of anything she or DP will do, just scared of feeling insecure, painfully jealous etc. I'm also 5 months pregnant. Spoken honestly to DP about it, he's suggested we have a secret signal for if I feel bad like a codeword and handqueeze.
Any advice for things I can tell myself? Thank you!

OP posts:
Racerback · 01/05/2019 04:34

Be nice to her. Make friends. She must be feeling just as weird about it as you.

ShinyShoe · 01/05/2019 04:37

I’m sorry but I think her coming to your house uninvited is weird. Who invited her? It’s the height of rudeness to just tag along. You don’t have to have her stay you know. It’s your home and you have the right to say no. I wouldn’t be having any beautiful ex of my DH staying in MY house. It would be a flat out “F right off” and I wouldn’t care who got offended.

OneThreadOnly0101 · 01/05/2019 04:42

She can't be feeling that weird if she's happy to turn up uninvited! Who does that?!

Whichwayfoward · 01/05/2019 04:47

The poor ex, she is visiting not moving in. It was a short fling, nothing serious. And she's coming with her friend, not because of your partner.

I don't know why you care, if I'm honest. On some level you must feel insecure because in your shoes this would be a non issue.

You are threatened because she's gorgeous. If you trust your partner, be a great host and enjoy some new company.

spreadingchestnuttree · 01/05/2019 04:52

Are they staying with you while they're visiting?

I do sympathise - I'd feel the same, however illogical. However.... their relationship lasted a month, whereas you're having a baby together!

GinTonicIceLemon · 01/05/2019 05:00

I think it's really weird and odd for her to want to come over. And I also personally think it's odd you and DP are allowing it. Even if it was just a short fling you still don't really know her.

As for tips I would just cancel her plans on coming. Then you won't need any tips on jealousy ;)

GinTonicIceLemon · 01/05/2019 05:02

@whichwayforward

Wtf?

Abillity2019 · 01/05/2019 05:02

To paraphrase the Mumsnet classic, “Fuck Off” is a complete sentence.

Birdie6 · 01/05/2019 05:16

she and DP kind of dated for around a month a couple of yrs ago

A few "kind of" dates doesn't make her his ex. I'd just treat her like any other guest - be friendly and hospitable as you would any guest. You'll be fine.

Sadiesnakes · 01/05/2019 05:21

Oh to be a cool gf🙄.

She shouldn't be coming uninvited and it's very very normal to feel insecure and jealous about an ex of dp. Many people would, including men. Tbh your dp shouldn't be putting you in this position. There's no way I'd be happy if I were in your situation, and don't think I'd accept it. My dh is not a jealous man but there's no way in hell he'd put up with me having an ex over for the weekend.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 05:24

I don't see how she's his ex really, they hardly dated, it wasn't significant.

I'm not sure why people think it odd. I'm assuming friend one and two are really good mates and having a weekend together in your new country?

I'm fairly sure as this woman hardly dated your partner at all, she's not remotely thinking of anything other than her and her mate going to x place for the weekend,

Original poster
Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 05:25

Just to clarify, I don't hold any hostility towards her, I have admitted that I'm worried about feeling bad and I'm looking for ways to get over these irrational but common feelings..

@whichwayforward congrats you rephrased my post but in a mean way.. yes I KNOW I'm insecure, that's the point!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 05:27

@bluntness yeah you're completely right, the issue here isn't her visiting

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 05:29

@spreadingchestnuttree thank you! No, they're staying in an air bnb nearby.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 05:36

Ok, so they are just having a weekend together in your new country and not staying with you and popping into visit you both? That sounds completely normal. Some folks jump off the deep end immediately. I mean seriously. Tell her to "fuck off"

Clearly there is and pretty much was nothing between her and your partner. It was something and nothing. Stopping thinking of her as his ex. I think if I met someone I'd went on a few dates years ago and his current partner thought of me as the ex I'd be a bit bemused. The ex is usually a significant relationship, not something like this.

Are you jealous when other attractive women are round your partner ?

The whole code word thing seems so over the top to me. I'm struggling to get my head round it. Surely you can hold it together? Or is he suggesting it because it really is that bad?

JapaneseNotWeed · 01/05/2019 05:44

It didn’t last for a reason. You are having a baby together for a reason.

The world is a sphere, not flat. We can all walk all around it in any direction and potentially meet anybody and everybody. Whether you hold out a hand or a spear is down to you.

MyOtherProfile · 01/05/2019 05:51

I think your dp is really sweet offering a code word and wanting to look out for you. Take comfort from that and the fact that this woman isn't really an ex and make up your mind to enjoy this weekend. Greet them with a smile as the benevolent host.

Original poster
Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 05:54

@myotherprofile thank you, I'll do my best!

OP posts:
GinTonicIceLemon · 01/05/2019 06:07

@bluntness100

But that is your opinion on what an ex is classed as though.
To me Dating for a month could mean 3 dates or it could of been more intimate like sleeping together Or even a high intense
See sexual fling that lasted a month.

Whatever it was I would still feel uncomfortable with it. And pretty miffed to be put in that situation.

Qweenbee · 01/05/2019 06:11

Did she finish it or did he?
Not that it should really matter as he is happy with you now, but I can understand you feeling a bit insecure if he was the one left feeling a bit hurt/heart broken.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 06:16

Whatever it was I would still feel uncomfortable with it. And pretty miffed to be put in that situation

Ok and I sympathise, but I think the fact you're also insecure and jealous doesn't really help the op?

GinTonicIceLemon · 01/05/2019 06:28

In relationships yes of course to a certain degree. But I defiantly would be if I had to accommodate DH/DP ex. Dating for a month could mean apsoloutly nothing but to some that could mean alot (especially if your the one that was involved). My advice would be to CANCEL plans get DP to let them know make some BS up. There staying in an Air BnB anyway so no doubt got other plans. But if I HAD to go through with it ( which hell not in a chance ) I would grit my teeth and be polite maybe cling on to DP.

@OP does his Ex know that you know of the whole dating thing?

Artesia · 01/05/2019 06:44

but if I HAD to go through with it ( which hell not in a chance ) I would grit my teeth and be polite maybe cling on to DP*

Cling onto him- why? In case she snatches him and runs away, or in case he decides to do a runner with her?Hmm. We are talking about three adults, not toddlers fighting over a favourite toy.

Whichwayfoward · 01/05/2019 06:55

Sorry if you thought my post was mean. You say you trust your partner. If you do why are you so bothered? Maybe this insecurity is something you need to work on so it doesn't be one an ongoing issue

There are always going to be people more attractive that he will meet, work with. How you choose to deal with that is up to you.

Were you cheated on in the past? Maybe it's worth looking at where your insecurity stems from.

Your partner appears loving and thoughtful so I don't think your feelings are warranted regards anything he is doing.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 07:09

but if I HAD to go through with it ( which hell not in a chance ) I would grit my teeth and be polite maybe cling on to DP

I simply don't understand this. If you suffer from mental health issues or have significant relationship problems and would behave like this. And it is extreme, you must know you have problems, then why post like it's normal.

Clinging on to your partner like he's some form of possession that will be stolen from you or run away from you at the first glance of a brief ex is just really concerning behaviour.

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