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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Methods to overcome jealousy? DPs stunning ex visiting for weekend

70 replies

Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 04:31

DP & I together 2 years, currently living abroad. He has 2 friends visiting this weekend - friend 1 I know, good company and we've spoken online a bit. Friend 2 wasn't invited by us but is close with friend 1 so tagging along. friend 2 is extremely beautiful (natalie imbruglia comes to mind) and I don't really know her and she and DP kind of dated for around a month a couple of yrs ago before it fizzled out. This weekend has been hanging over me - I'm not scared of anything she or DP will do, just scared of feeling insecure, painfully jealous etc. I'm also 5 months pregnant. Spoken honestly to DP about it, he's suggested we have a secret signal for if I feel bad like a codeword and handqueeze.
Any advice for things I can tell myself? Thank you!

OP posts:

DBML · 01/05/2019 11:19

Have you met her before op?

You might be building yourself up for nothing. There are plenty of people who look drop dead stunning in their snap chatted photos and then...you see them.

RhubarbTea · 01/05/2019 11:42

I can't believe no-one's mentioned the fact you are pregnant! Not to play the 'all preggers women are crazy' card, but fucking hell, hormones made me insanely jealous and insecure when I was pregnant to the point it would have been funny if it wasn't so awful. I'd have vivid nightmares about DP cheating, the lot. It was only much later I realised it's quite common to feel like this when pregnant and it wasn't just me. Perhaps it's some kind of evolutionary response, who knows

Bottom line, you're normal, it's okay to feel this way and the best way of dealing with something when you clearly don't have anything to worry about is to not give it much headspace save for a bit of each day when you let yourself worry and then talk to him if you need reassurance. The rest of the time just try and squash it down. I promise this is really common and you're not mad.

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 11:42

I don’t think my Dh could think of anything worse tbh!

Chocmallows · 01/05/2019 11:49

She isn't in your home with your loving husband having a baby. You are.

She could look amazing but selfies are often edited remember, but you are amazing to your husband - you are carrying his child.

If you find it hard work use the code word, break it off early.

I bet you meet, realise she's a regular person and this becomes a non-issue.

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 12:23

I think it’s a massive waste of energy.

Why would this woman invite herself to spend a holiday with an ex?

Why did you and your Dh feel like you had to accept it.

You actually don’t have to always be accommodating to other people’s requests. It’s ok to say ‘no that doesn’t work for me’

It’s so British to all ways maintain ‘dignity’ and take one on the chin for other people. I’m too old for that shit now

fuddle · 02/05/2019 09:28

Hmmm I wonder how he would like it. I think he's taking the piss and wouldn't tolerate it. Just feign an illness that way there's no issues. It doesn't matter if you are insecure or not people can be he shouldn't put you in such a position.

BlueMerchant · 02/05/2019 09:39

If they don't chat online and aren't in direct contact through social media and having intimate chats then I think I'd suck it up and give this woman a chance. She may look beautiful but have a crap personality or bad breath. Your OH loves you and you are having a baby together.
I'd feel differently if they had been chatting online and in touch directly.

Oblomov19 · 02/05/2019 09:42

Yoga.
Lemons.

Get to counselling OP, to assist your severe insecurity.

Robin2323 · 02/05/2019 10:05

I'm not insecure in the slightest, which. But if one of my ex flings said they were tagging along with one of my mates to my home with my family there I'd wonder what the fuck they were playing at.

When I was insecure 20 years ago I'd have put up with this ti be the cool wife.
Now that I'm secure there is no way this would being happening.

I can remember being very pregnant waddling down the street seeing my exdh's ex gf.

She looked stunning in her black mini skirt :)

Don't put yourself through this you've got enough to do.

It's important for you to stay calm and relaxed- you and baby come first x

BlackPrism · 02/05/2019 10:14

She's not really an ex though?
Your husband sounds lovely with the signal idea, but you just have to remember - he married you and is having a child with you - he must think you're stunning.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 02/05/2019 10:19

How does this happen? Friends 2 wasn’t invited by us but is close with Friend 1 so is tagging along
Did she just announce she was bringing someone else along to stay in your house?? I don’t believe it

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 02/05/2019 10:25

What’s the secret signal nonsense about, btw? Does a SWAT team come and bust you out of there if you signal that you “feel bad”?!
Nuts...

Robin2323 · 02/05/2019 10:46

We have a secret single when we are ready to leave mother in laws house :)
Otherwise we'd never get away ...
It's usually a different word each time.
But as soon as one of us says it the other will start making 'time to go noises'

Lllot5 · 02/05/2019 10:53

Well I don’t know. If I was still with my ex I wouldn’t care mainly because towards the end of our marriage didn’t much care what he did or who with.
However I don’t see why you should have to play nice here. Again I don’t talk to my ex at all about anything so I’m probably projecting.

Doesitevenmatternow · 02/05/2019 13:33

She's only stunning in your opinion. She could feel as plain as plain can be. She has the same insecurities as anybody else.

I was on a group holiday recently and one of the guys was there with his girlfriend. He and I have similar history to what you've described (except I don't think I'm stunning). I did wonder if the gf knew or would find it weird. She certainly didn't seem to and had no reason to as her boyfriend is clearly mad about her. She was lovely to me and we got on great. There's no reason you shouldn't have a similar experience.

Having said that I felt fragile when I was pregnant. You don't have to put yourself through this if you don't want to.

Original poster

Lemonsqueasy · 09/05/2019 16:35

Update - Happy ending so I thought it worth sharing. I was quite nervous right up until they arrived but had saved some of your positive messages so read them for reassurance. Almost as soon as I met her I felt better - yes, she was as beautiful as her social media pictures, but she also had a personality (obviously). Lovely, but not as perfect for my DP as I am The jealousy disappeared and I had a great weekend and made two new friends.

OP posts:

spreadingchestnuttree · 09/05/2019 20:52

Fantastic - happy to read this update

Alfr · 09/05/2019 20:55

He chose you. Don't forget that

LizzieSiddal · 09/05/2019 20:57

Ahh glad it all worked out!

gettingtherequickly · 10/05/2019 06:57

That's wonderful news, so glad you had a great time.

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