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Original poster

Methods to overcome jealousy? DPs stunning ex visiting for weekend

70 replies

Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 04:31

DP & I together 2 years, currently living abroad. He has 2 friends visiting this weekend - friend 1 I know, good company and we've spoken online a bit. Friend 2 wasn't invited by us but is close with friend 1 so tagging along. friend 2 is extremely beautiful (natalie imbruglia comes to mind) and I don't really know her and she and DP kind of dated for around a month a couple of yrs ago before it fizzled out. This weekend has been hanging over me - I'm not scared of anything she or DP will do, just scared of feeling insecure, painfully jealous etc. I'm also 5 months pregnant. Spoken honestly to DP about it, he's suggested we have a secret signal for if I feel bad like a codeword and handqueeze.
Any advice for things I can tell myself? Thank you!

OP posts:

GinTonicIceLemon · 01/05/2019 07:13

@antersia

ofcourse not! I ment on more of a hyperthetical term. She's 5 months pregnant and obviously is going to feel insecure which is why she has made this post plus she doesn't even know the Ex. I would stand by my man proudly and make it as short and sweet as possible.

GinTonicIceLemon · 01/05/2019 07:19

@bluntness100

Bloody hell! I don't suffer from mental health issues I just would rather not go through the whole fiasco of having to meet and greet my DP ex in my own home who I don't even know which is why I wouldn't meet them in the first place. If you read my other comment I explained I ment in a different context. Please don't give me all that mental health bullshit

MitziK · 01/05/2019 07:25

I thought you said beautiful?

Meh. If you don't like it, say you're tired and DH can take you home/they can shove off.

ChristmasFluff · 01/05/2019 07:26

I don't know that I'd even classify her as an ex - and I am definitely not of the 'cool girl' brigade. I can barely remember people I dated for a couple of months, I really wouldn't consider them an 'ex'.

It fizzled out for a reason - you'll probably see why when she visits, and you'll end up not being so threatened by her looks.

Mummaofmytribe · 01/05/2019 07:31

But surely your partner thinks you are more beautiful, because he's with you having a child. She was just a fling. She does sound a bit odd also: I wouldn't invite myself to an ex's personally! She may be pretty but that doesn't mean you're not.

Artesia · 01/05/2019 07:33

I just don’t understand all the drama- secret signals, hand squeezes, “of course OP feels insecure”, gritted teeth, painfully jealous....

It’s someone DP went on a few dates with a long time ago. It clearly wasn’t a big deal as he’s with you, not her. Say hello, have a cup of coffee with them, do a quick bit of sight seeing, then never need to see them again if you don’t want.

Figure8 · 01/05/2019 07:36

First, the secret signal sounds like the most adorable thing I've seen on MN for ages.

Second.... you're in an enviable position- loved, cherished, and experiencing a really exciting time of life.

I'd feel weird too though...

smallereveryday · 01/05/2019 07:40

Can't get my head around all this am-dram. If the visitor was a woman that the OP suspected of having an affair with her husband, then yes - I get it. However irs not. It's just some woman who used to be a casual girlfriend and unless your DH has been pressured in to some weird forced marriage set up with you - then I presume he has free will ?
Free will where he OR she could have remained in a relationship- but didn't.
Free will to have had children together. But didn't.
Your partner chose you and you chose him DESPITE their being another gazillion people in the world to choose from. Including this woman.

Get a grip OP. Smile. 😬 Keep your friends close and your 'enemies' closer still .

stucknoue · 01/05/2019 07:42

This has happened to me, just remember they chose you!

SammySamSam09 · 01/05/2019 07:44

So weird going on a trip to see the bloke you shagged once & his pregnant girlfriend. I'm pretty sure I would be busy that weekend cleaning my bathroom.

Sagradafamiliar · 01/05/2019 07:47

I would find this so weird tbh. I'm surprised to think anyone else wouldn't. It's weird.

Whichwayfoward · 01/05/2019 08:04

It's not weird. Lots of people have met exes. Bloody hell, this has really been eye opening.

Cling to your man, jealousy over something that happened years ago. no doubt she has moved on with her life just as the op's partner has. Insecure people are what is weird.

I'm really glad I am not insecure. It sounds emotionally exhausting, especially when it is totally unfounded.

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 08:09

It totally depends on situation

Meeting ex briefly - not weird
Ex wanting to come an visit - weird

Whichwayfoward · 01/05/2019 08:18

I agree it depends on the situation, but this was a fling, for want of a better word, years ago, not a stalker ex still intent on getting her hooks into the guy and using any opportunity to do so.

They are only meeting again because they share a mutual friend.

gettingtherequickly · 01/05/2019 08:23

I think your DP is lovely to think about a code word, but you can handle this yourself, if you start to feel jealous, humanise her. Yes she may be beautiful, but she's a human with the same faults and frailties (and strengths and attributes) as the rest of us.
She may be jealous of you, happily settled and about to start a family in a part of the world so lovely that people go to visit it.
I think you'll be absolutely fine, you might even make a new friend.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 01/05/2019 08:25

I'm sure you will be fine, for me It would entirely depend on what type of ex she is. Kind of dated for a month can mean lots of things.

Somebody he had a few casual dates and a few snogs with with is neither her nor there to me as I don't think even I can remember all of the kisses I have had in my life.

However a passionate intense 30 day shagfest that she ended would make me feel different.

As this this woman is tagging along and was not directly invited and your DP has not objected to meeting up it would suggest that their brief dating history was a very casual and relaxed.

The fact that you think she is beautiful may be playing an issue particularly as your body is going through some amazing but rapid changes. You haven't met her in person yet so I would try not to focus on this issue too much.

They dated a couple of years ago and you have been together 2 years so she is a tiny part of his recent past before he met and fell in love with you. It would be unusual if any of you have radically changed in personality/character within the last 2 years so feel secure that you are the person he has chosen to build a future and family with.

NameChangeNugget · 01/05/2019 08:25

I agree with @Whichwayfoward

What a lot of excitement over absolutely nothing

Kennehora · 01/05/2019 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sagradafamiliar · 01/05/2019 09:03

I'm not insecure in the slightest, which. But if one of my ex flings said they were tagging along with one of my mates to my home with my family there I'd wonder what the fuck they were playing at.

KennyCalmIt · 01/05/2019 10:18

From this woman’s perspective I have no idea why she’s tagging along even if she was invited, why would she even want to go?! I think back to some of the people I’ve had short flings with, no bad history with some of them but I still wouldn’t do anything like this woman?!

From your perspective - I understand why you feel the way you do. Your DP sounds lovely though.

Dirtybadger · 01/05/2019 10:25

I don't understand why it's weird she is coming. Friend 1 probably doesn't want to travel abroad and stay in an air bnb alone. They're not likely to only be popping in for a few hours. They'll want to do other things even if it's a quick visit. So they have brought a friend along with them.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 10:27

I really don't get how people are confused by this.

They are two friends going for a weekend in an overseas county, they are staying at a air bnb. They will visit the op and her husband when there.

There is nothing weird about it. Often people go away with friends for weekends abroad. It's totally normal.

CanoeingInCocoPop · 01/05/2019 10:42

It'll be less weird when you know her.

Original poster

Lemonsqueasy · 01/05/2019 10:54

We'll still be hosting, showing them around etc so spending most of each day with them.

@gettingtherequickly thank you, such a good point, it's easy to forget that beautiful people have stresses and worries too!

@kennehora lol, that is a mental scenario. Hadn't even considered the possibility she's done yoga as well, god I feel sick.. ;)
I think just knowing that DP is aware of what I'm feeling would be a comforting thought.

Thanks to those of you who've offered positive ways of looking at it!

Said from the start that I'm interested in tackling my reaction to the situation, not the situation itself, which I understand is not a big deal.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 01/05/2019 11:02

She was a friend, they tried to take it to more than friends, it didn't work, they went back to friends. He's now happy in a long term relationship with you, his friends are visiting. That's all it is. He wants you to know his friends. He knows you feel a bit awkward about it, hes trying to reassure you, there should t be any need for code words etc. Just treat her like any other of his friends. I have a similar ex, it quickly fizzled out and we are much better ad friends. My husband knows that and is friends with him too.

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