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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner visited Prostitutes for BJ

74 replies

SuzieWong69 · 30/04/2019 14:45

Advise needed and I probably know what your all going to say!
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, but we knew each other a long time before that. We don’t live together, I live with my teenage daughter, who is a bit of a handful and therefore have put off moving in together for a few years!!! We have a very loving relationship, best friends, no issues up until recently!

Late last year, I was a little bit suspicious of his behaviour, late night chats with someone on WhatsApp, doesn’t have a lot of friends. I know it’s really naughty but I looked through is iPad and found he’d been looking at local prostitutes on Adultwork and looking at reviews on a vile site UKPunting, which basically is men grading and commenting on visits to prostitutes! I then found 2 text messages to 2 different prostitutes over 4 days asking to book 15 min sessions. Both prostitues replied and asked him to message next day to confirm a time, which he did, but there was no reply from them??? I confronted him about it and he grovelled and said he had no intention of going, he just got a bit of a kick contacting them? He promised he wouldn’t do it again!! He also said he used the Adultwork site for porn and nothing more???
Beginning of this year, due to the trust in our relationship being damaged, I made up an account on the UKPunting site and took a guess at his username and found several feedback comments, there was about 4 from before we got together and he had told me he had visited prostitutes after a break up from a long term partner, when going through a hard time? Then I found feedback from late last year, when we were together, regarding a visit to a local brothel and what poor service he received and wasn’t very complimentary about the girl!!! I messaged him and finished with him. He blamed it all on me, said I shouldn’t have snooped, I had no right, it was no big deal, it was like popping in for a cup of coffee!!!! He admitted to doing it twice, just a BJ, no sex apparently as this is intimate and he wouldn’t do that to me??!! A few days later he messaged me saying life was shit without me and he’d learnt his lesson, he’d never do it again! He also told me the anti-depressants he’s on are playing havoc with his body and things aren’t working properly, I hadn’t really noticed that much, but he says it has and I don’t understand! This made me think I was to blame and not doing anything for him and that’s why he went elsewhere. He just said he wanted to find out 🤷‍♀️ apparently first time ok, second it wasn’t! I have recently checked his history and he’s still looking at local prostitutes and the review site!

When I put it all down like this, the odds are stacked against us, but he is my best friend, I do love, but I don’t particularly like him at the moment moment, it’s pretty crap! I have been to the doctors and arranged some counselling, but there’s nobody else I can speak to about this!

Sorry for long post!

OP posts:
Cheekyfeckery · 30/04/2019 14:47

Putting the sex itself to one side, do you really want to be with a man who thinks women are a commodity to be bought and reviewed?

You deserve better.

Beachbodynowayready · 30/04/2019 14:49

Hope you had an sti check up op....

ImNotNigel · 30/04/2019 14:50

What do you want to happen now Suzie ?

sadkoala · 30/04/2019 14:52

Really OP?
Your best friend?

He denied and denied until he couldn't anymore because you had to get out and get proof upon which he blamed it all on you because how dare you find out the truth? He then fed you some bullshit about how it was "only" a BJ. First of all I could bet on the fact that it was not in fact just that and second - how does that make it better?! Cheating is cheating.
And then he has the guts to go on and actually blame you for his issues and the fact that he cheated on you.
Oh and he still looks them up!

I'm not one to swear at all OP but fuck that, and fuck it again.

You are worth a lot more than that.

Flamingosnbears · 30/04/2019 14:52

Sounds like he's not worth all the drama. Tell him boy - bye

MIA12 · 30/04/2019 14:56

There is someone much kinder and better for you than him OP. He’s done a number on your self-esteem for you to be thinking this is in any way your fault. He’s a horrible person who will use women like a commodity. He will also repeatedly lie to you and cheat on you. I hope you’re able to make the break from him.

Notjudesmum · 30/04/2019 14:56

The trust has gone. Do you want a life spent checking phones and iPads?? I know I wouldn’t. Leave him to his dirty BJ’s with prostitutes and find yourself a man that respects you. Hugs 💐

Sicario · 30/04/2019 14:57

This is total scumbag territory. grabs wine and crisps

AnyFucker · 30/04/2019 15:03

If you want to continue your relationship with a punter, crack on. Just get yourself tested regularly and get booked in for that lobotomy.

He isn't going to stop.

Is this how you want to live your life ?

StoatofDisarray · 30/04/2019 15:05

He sounds absolutely horrible. Thank god you don't live with him! "Adultwork" sites are nowhere near as "good" as free sites for porn, BTW, so I would take that excuse with a massive pinch of salt.

I would dump him immediately, and also review him as a sexual partner in your goodbye email.

Antidepressants do often play havoc with your sex drive, but as a long term user, I have always found that they kill my sex drive stone dead. I believe loss of libido is by far the most common sexual problem relating to ADs, not an increase in libido, which seems to be what he's claiming.

iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople · 30/04/2019 15:07

Same situation. Married for only 2 years and he's been seeing hookers the whole time while high. Utterly destroyed my trust in men.

ScreamingLadySutch · 30/04/2019 15:08

"New research shows that paying for sex isn't nearly as common place as most people seem to think. The study also showed that people who seek out sex for money aren't much different than your average person.

About 1.5 percent of men in their 40s have paid for sex in the last year. 23.3 percent of men who have served in the military have visited prostitutes at some point during active duty. In general 14 percent of men have paid for sex in their lifetime, but only 1 percent have in the past year."

AnyFucker is right. A punter is in a different league. Lots of nice men out there, OP.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2019 15:08

He's not your best friend, or if he is, you need to raise your standards about friendship.

Missingstreetlife · 30/04/2019 15:12

Do you really need to ask? Read what you wrote, what would you tell a friend? Block him, lick your wounds and better luck next time. You dodged a bullet, well done.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 30/04/2019 15:18

If you don't leave him, he's only going to keep doing it.

katy78 · 30/04/2019 15:20

Is it not time to show your teenage daughter what it means to have self-respect? How would you feel if she told you that her future partner/husband was doing this to her but she wanted to stay?
Show her what it means to value yourself, to have good self-esteem. You are worth more. Women are worth more. If you stay and she goes on to have problems with abusive relationships, hold yourself to account.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/04/2019 15:20

Op you know the answer.

He's a punter, a prostitute user, a cheater, a liar, he's not relationship material.

You had to investigate to find out what he's been doing and when faced with proof he blamed you for looking (I mean.. !!!!). Yeah clearly it's all your fault for finding out, not his fault for doing it.

And he's depressed and confused, poor poor thing. Doesn't depression usually lower your sex drive? I must have missed the but on the NHS website about depression causing people to seek out oral sex from prostitutes about lie about it.

If you've been on UK punting, you'll have had the insight from some men as to why they really do this; which his not why they tell non punters and women why they do it.

Who knows why he is the way he is or whether he will ever change (unlikely); you don't need to be around being treated like shit, cheated on, lied to, exposed to STDs etc etc while he works that out.

Get away from this cluster fuck.

It will be painful and sad but it will be worth it.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/04/2019 15:25

It sounds like you have enough on your plate to deal with, with your daughter - without having pain and stress like this inflicted on you by this 'man'.

Even all the time and effort you had to go to to investigate band prove what he's been doing; should you have one second of your previous life being wasted on that shit? You suspected, you found out, you proved it - obviously your instincts are working very well and you're a smart woman; listen to what your instincts (not your emotions, they're different) are telling you to do now.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/04/2019 15:26

*precious life

suziQ10 · 30/04/2019 15:30

How in any way could he be your best friend?
He's supposed to be in a relationship with you and he's been going to prostitutes and keeping secrets and lying to you. Then trying to pass blame on to you.

You need to open your eyes. Get away from this man, he's no friend of yours. Work on yourself and your own wellbeing.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/04/2019 15:31

And before the usual comments about sex workers being more careful with their sexual health than civvies are made about my STD comment; even if sex workers use condoms for every act (which some don't who accept higher payments for bare) condoms dont protect against hsv and HPV; and it stands to reason that the more people you bump uglies with (and the more people they bump uglies with since many punters will see different prostitutes) the higher the risk of getting kind of both of those.
Blow jobs are not even an exception since some STDs can be spread from the throat to the penis.
It's a numbers game.

Happyspud · 30/04/2019 15:34

Ex-partner. Start trying that out for size. Sorry. But there is no way you should stay with him. These are the choices that impact the rest of your life.

SilverySurfer · 30/04/2019 15:40

Why are you even giving this arsehole head space? If you think he is your best friend you've got a hell of a lot to learn about friendship.

Seriously, think what your DD is learning from you about relationships.

Original poster
SuzieWong69 · 30/04/2019 16:15

Thanks for all your comments, my self esteem and confidence has been severely dented and I need to grow a pair and walk away!! I’m hoping with counselling this will help and like somebody said I’ve got enough on my plate with my teenage daughter!!! He doesn’t think I need counselling, says it’s a waste of time, but probably worried somebody’s going to kick some sense into me!!

He says his sex drive has completely gone with the tablets he’s on 🤷‍♀️ and he’s trying to understand why and that’s his excuse for going!!!

I just feel so let down and betrayed and him blaming me doesn’t help, but that’s his way out!! I know snooping is wrong, but when you have a suspicion, you do it!!!

Apologies for sounding so pathetic!!!

OP posts: