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Original poster

His constant references to his late wife are wearing me down.

63 replies

Saffy101 · 30/04/2019 12:35

Perhaps I am selfish? We have been together only six months and he is very nice to be with. His wife has been dead just over 2 years, not that long.

He insisted when we got together that he was ready for a new relationship.

But anything we do and she comes up. He calls her his wife, not his late wife. And I hear the same stories again and again, mostly about how they coped with her illness and how he was responsible for knowing about the equipment etc. BUT I even know how they folded thier carrier bags and where they were kept.

We went out for the day last weekend - my choice of direction and on the journey I discovered they had been up that road, so it reminded him and he reminisced again, then we passed a hotel he took her to for a lovely break on another occasion, he tells me it was very nice indeed. Later it came up that they had been somewhere else which I had hoped to take him to next weekend for his birthday treat and I am upset as I wanted it to be about him and me and not them!!!

So the next morning I was bold. I said I wanted to ask a question. I felt that he was in love but not with me. He replied by staring at the bedroom ceiling and saying that he couldn't just switch it on just like that and clicked his fingers. With that he up and left, I will be seeing him tonight - or I think I will, he hasn't emailed or phoned since he left yesterday morning. He knows I love him.

I don't get invited to stay in his....HER house - ever.

I am not widowed but once found myself grieving long term for a lost love. I had to stop wallowing in I wish I was with him, stop looking at the photographs, to get over it....to an extent to be available to love again. He is not doing that.

I feel as if I am just company for a man that wishes he was with someone else.

Advice, comfort...anything.

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 30/04/2019 12:42

So, if his wife were alive would you accept his sleeping with you, whilst constantly expressing his love for her?

He isnt ready for a relationship yet, but he is happy to use you for companionship or whatever.

Whilst I can sympathise with his loss and his need to talk about his late wife, what he is doing is very disrespectful to you.

You deserve better. Wish him all the best and send him on his way.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/04/2019 12:48

It sounds as if he's not ready for this relationship just yet. However, people cope with grief differently, have varying recovery times, etc. My father was married to my Mum for 40 years when she died. He remarried five years later to my now stepmum who was considerably younger. They are very happy and she is lovely. She did start to wind down the amount of pictures my Dad had around when they first moved in together, not out of disrespect but it was their home and while my mum is remembered there, it is not in an over the top way. My Dad, however, was ready for this transition. He has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers and is now talking about mum a lot more. I haven't discussed with with step-mum but I am sure she's aware. On the other hand, my ex-h left me for somebody who's husband has literally just been killed in an RTA and moved in with her straight away. That was wrong, selfish and cruel to her very young child in my opinion.

I wonder if your chap might benefit from some bereavement counselling? Two years isn't very long at all in the grand scheme and if it was a long marriage then he might well take longer to come to terms. It is natural for him to talk about memories, especially if there are triggers, but it sounds as if he is still so very much focused on his late wife. I appreciate this is hard on you as you say you love him, but I would consider taking a step back and telling him why you're doing that. It's not unreasonable on both sides. He is entitled to grieve and you are entitled to somebody who can give you his full attention and that you are not sharing with a much loved ghost. I hope you find a way forward Flowers

St0rmoftheweek4 · 30/04/2019 12:56

His late wife will always be part of his life, you cannot change that
He & his wider family may always speak of his wife decades later
Perhaps, he is not the right person for you to have a relationship with

AdaColeman · 30/04/2019 12:56

He’s not ready yet for another relationship, he’s still grieving, and you are in the role of his therapist.

He isn’t focusing on you at all, so what should be an interesting and exciting first few months of getting to know each other, hasn’t developed for you. I’d bet that he doesn’t often ask you about yourself, your thoughts or memories?

At the same time, you’ve invested a lot of emotional commitment in the relationship, for instance planning his birthday, so you are bound to feel let down. You are giving, while he is taking.

I’d cool it a lot, probably to the level of friendship, as you do like him. See how it goes for a time, while still keeping options open with other people.

Original poster
Saffy101 · 30/04/2019 13:00

barryfromclareisfit - I have told him previously that he makes me feel like the other woman, he thinks that is silly. Glad you agree.

TheFormidableMrsC - I gently suggested counselling a ouple of months ago, he says that he went once and talked about"relationship issues."

Sadly I cannot see this going anywhere. I think I will be telling him that I want to feel as if I am the No 1 in my mans life, I would like him to be thinking of me/us when we go somewhere and for that matter when he uses the word we, I would like him to be talking about myself and him!

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 30/04/2019 13:05

I can see why you feel like the OW. He’s obviously besotted with her and not read for another relationship - he might never be. I agree with the other comments re counselling for him.

I don’t think you’ll ever be this mans number one, you’ll always be second ranking to the memory of his wife. Whilst she occupies so much of his thoughts there will be no room for you.

I think it must be hard to date someone who’s lost a partner or spouse and not just spilt up as they haven’t chosen to end things but been forced.

You deserve better. If you weren’t in love I would suggest staying friends but I think that would be too painful and unfair on you.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/04/2019 13:14

Sod that OP... move on with someone who cherishes their time with you. Flowers

Lllot5 · 30/04/2019 13:15

It’s a shame but he’s just not ready. I don’t think he’s over the loss of his wife.
Going to have to call it a day.

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 13:18

He's not ready for a relationship. He needs time & friendship, nothing more untill he truly is completely ready

The friendship doesn't need to be with you btw, you are obviously allowed to cut ties and not be friends with him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2019 13:22

This widower was never ready emotionally to embark on another relationship.

Widowers tend to jump into the dating scene weeks or months after losing a spouse, long before they’re emotionally ready for any kind of relationship. They view the loss of their spouse as a problem that needs to be fixed and see dating and relationships as the best way to mend their broken hearts. He probably started dating again because he wanted companionship rather than a relationship and he is still very much grieving. I am sorry that you have ended up really as his therapist here; a role that is not going to work for you in the long run either. Like other posters have written, you do deserve better here from a relationship.

Cheekyfeckery · 30/04/2019 13:23

I had to raise this with my DP. I felt awful doing so. He then completely stopped talking about her. That didn’t feel right either. He does speak about her, but far less. I feel that I’m not the person he should be talking to about her as frequently as he was.

Grief needs to be accommodated. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes manageable over time.

If you really want to be with him, I think more time needs to pass.

babysharkah · 30/04/2019 13:28

Sounds very much like you're the rebound to his grief.

Connieston · 30/04/2019 13:36

He may be lonely and crave intimacy but it doesn't sound like he's ready. Or perhaps this is how he will always be, and in which case he'll need to be with someone who doesn't find it unsettling (and whilst I have every sympathy for his loss, I'd feel uncomfortable with this too).

Drum2018 · 30/04/2019 13:36

I'd have to run. I couldn't be dealing with that. It's one thing to have compassion for him and try to understand his grief but you really don't have to put up with it being a constant feature in your relationship. It may be best to end things with him and explain that you feel he's just not ready to move on.

ElspethFlashman · 30/04/2019 13:40

There are 3 of you in this relationship, so it's a bit crowded, to paraphrase another lady.

I'd be off. You deserve more of someone's Headspace than this.

forumdonkey · 30/04/2019 13:41

My bf is widowed and there are occasions where he speaks and has even cried about her, but not with the frequency of your BF. Today is the anniversary of her passing, and as expected he and his DC's are feeling her loss and remembering her. At times like this, I take a step back because I don't want to intrude on their memories and grief. I want to respect her and them and try always to do what I think I'd want, in all their positions. Today has also been hard for me, although I know it's not about me, so I have sympathy for you. I go through this a few prominent dates a year but I don't think I could do it nearly every time I spent time with him.

I have accepted that she will forever be in his life and he will always love and grieve her in different levels. It's hard for next woman but I love him and more importantly I know he loves me for being me.

Good luck but it may be time to move on.

powershowerforanhour · 30/04/2019 13:41

His late wife sounds like the female version of Michael Furey in James Joyce's "The Dead". Three people in a relationship is one too many, even if one of them is a ghost.

OldAndWornOut · 30/04/2019 13:43

It sounds like it's too soon for him.
He has years of memories with his wife, and its natural to want to be able to talk about them, but perhaps he should have sought a friend, rather than convince you and himself that he is ready for a new relationship.

IncrediblySadToo · 30/04/2019 13:52

I think you should let him down gently and move on. For both your sakes.

Having your husband/wife die simply can’t be compared to a relationship breaking down, not even if your wife/husband left you and you didn’t want them to. I know that’s the nearest situation you’ve been in and it probably seems quite similar, but it’s not.

He’s not able to be what you need and you’re not able to be what he needs, it’s sad, but you can’t change who you are, either of you.

It’s only been six months that you’ve been seeing each other, I know that seems like ages when you’re the one on the relationship, but it’s really not.

Let him down kindly and move on with your life. Don’t ‘stay friends’ because it won’t help either of you.

BUT I even know how they folded thier carrier bags and where they were kept

Keep remembering this when it’s tempting to phone him!

Original poster
Saffy101 · 30/04/2019 14:21

Thank you I will talk to him tonight, if he comes over.... I found a very apt quote. If you don't value your life start smoking, you'll die ten years earlier. Or drink to excess every day and that will be fifteen years earlier. Or you could just love someone who doesn't love you back...and die every day!

OP posts:
RosinaAlmaviva · 30/04/2019 14:22

Sadly I cannot see this going anywhere.

No, neither can I. He is still grieving, emotionally unavailable and totally uninterested in your needs and feelings. You can't help him move on - you aren't his therapist, although he seems to be using you as a substitute for one. I think you would do best to end the relationship so that you can find a partner who can fully commit to you.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/04/2019 14:34

I agree with PP's.

I don't think he's ready to be in a relationship even if he says he is.

He might be looking for comfort/companionship but but not a relationship in the way you would wish OP.

Whilst it's perfectly reasonable and understandable to talk about a departed spouse when a date, circumstance or feeling prompts it, it sounds from what you describe that he's actively trying to find frequent attachments to his wife in order to talk about her.

In your case I'd speak with him and offer to remain friends (if you feel able) but back away from any commitments beyond that at the present time.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/04/2019 15:04

Two years is very early/soon in the scheme of things and the not being invited into his home is significant; however I have a different take based on your description ..I think it's actually his personality that's as much an issue.

He sounds like one of those people who have verbal diarrhea, who verbalise nearly everything, who don't have much of a filter, who talk about mundane things eg the bags that, if they had more self awareness and a filter, they would realise is boring/irrelevant to the other person, if they are reminded of something or an experience, they feel compelled to tell the story (often quite repetitively). They do this about ex partners as well and irritate their current partners (unless they have a very laid-back character that can tolerate it).

There are a lot of people like this, his circumstances are one part of the equation, but I believe his personality and communication style is the other part; which a way is 'better' i.e. it is perhaps not all down to extreme grief and in a way is worse - in that you are perhaps incompatible with his personality in the near future (and maybe even long-term).

PositiveVibez · 30/04/2019 15:24

If you don't value your life start smoking, you'll die ten years earlier. Or drink to excess every day and that will be fifteen years earlier. Or you could just love someone who doesn't love you back...and die every day!

That is rather dramatic for someone you have only been seeing for 6 months.

He is not ready for a relationship. 2 years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things.

You need to move on with your life and allow him to grieve.

You aren't obligated to stay with him.

You need to move on with your life as you deserve to be happy.

To be annoyed and frustrated only 6 months in, is not a good sign of a new, healthy relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2019 15:28

I'm sure he's a good person, but he certainly doesn't seem ready for a relationship. Of course he will always miss and grieve for his late wife, but he is clearly still living in the past.