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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His constant references to his late wife are wearing me down.

63 replies

Saffy101 · 30/04/2019 12:35

Perhaps I am selfish? We have been together only six months and he is very nice to be with. His wife has been dead just over 2 years, not that long.

He insisted when we got together that he was ready for a new relationship.

But anything we do and she comes up. He calls her his wife, not his late wife. And I hear the same stories again and again, mostly about how they coped with her illness and how he was responsible for knowing about the equipment etc. BUT I even know how they folded thier carrier bags and where they were kept.

We went out for the day last weekend - my choice of direction and on the journey I discovered they had been up that road, so it reminded him and he reminisced again, then we passed a hotel he took her to for a lovely break on another occasion, he tells me it was very nice indeed. Later it came up that they had been somewhere else which I had hoped to take him to next weekend for his birthday treat and I am upset as I wanted it to be about him and me and not them!!!

So the next morning I was bold. I said I wanted to ask a question. I felt that he was in love but not with me. He replied by staring at the bedroom ceiling and saying that he couldn't just switch it on just like that and clicked his fingers. With that he up and left, I will be seeing him tonight - or I think I will, he hasn't emailed or phoned since he left yesterday morning. He knows I love him.

I don't get invited to stay in his....HER house - ever.

I am not widowed but once found myself grieving long term for a lost love. I had to stop wallowing in I wish I was with him, stop looking at the photographs, to get over it....to an extent to be available to love again. He is not doing that.

I feel as if I am just company for a man that wishes he was with someone else.

Advice, comfort...anything.

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 30/04/2019 15:40

And not only that, it all sounds extremely tedious!! Move on.

Madamedeluxe · 30/04/2019 15:42

No thanks how boring.

Fair enough if you were a friend or family member but I don’t think he should be reminiscing all the time. I wonder why he is with you. Yes agree you should call it a day.

suziQ10 · 30/04/2019 15:55

You've not been together long and he's still missing his late wife. She'll always be a massive part of his life and who he is.
He's not ready yet for what you are expecting from him.

Original poster
Saffy101 · 30/04/2019 16:18

PositiveVibez It was my very poor attempt at humour, I didn't think when I posted that it wouldn't "come across" apologies...I have a rather quirky humour and tend to try to see the funny side of life...even my problems....

OP posts:
MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 16:25

If the relationship isn't working for you, and it sounds like it isn't, then it's ok to walk away. It's sad that he is grieving but you are not there to fix it for him. Good luck. Flowers

Butterymuffin · 30/04/2019 16:26

I'm guessing that as a pp said he verbalizes everything, however mundane. And also that he sees the role of women in his life as being there to listen to him - perhaps his late wife went suffered through this for years. You may have had a lucky escape. But yes, move on gracefully.

RuffleCrow · 30/04/2019 16:31

Sounds like this relationship isn't right for either of you.

You don't want to be his therapist/ way to cope with grief.

He wants someone who can accept he's still in love with his late wife and play second fiddle to her memory. Whether he's conscious of this or not.

ShirleyAvenue · 30/04/2019 18:01

He should be doing his reminiscing and grieving with people other than you- his friends and family who knew his wife, and her friends and family. If that is not enough to comfort and support him, then he should have counselling/ therapy from a professional.
Of course he should be able to mention her name to you and perhaps talk a little about her and their relationship- but not much more than you would expect someone to talk about their ex.
Yes it's more complicated than just having an ex.... but it's not for you to sort out for him. He doesn't have to forget his wife but he should see you as a source of a new happiness.

ShirleyAvenue · 30/04/2019 18:02

And Im a widow myself if it makes any difference.

Oohgossip · 30/04/2019 18:04

He’s in love with his wife - she died, his love didn’t. I’m sorry.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 30/04/2019 18:25

His late wife will always be part of his life, you cannot change that
He & his wider family may always speak of his wife decades later

There is a huge difference between periodically mentioning someone who was a part of your life and going on about them all the time in a way that connotes continuing love.

The OP isn't saying "ban all mention".

He's disrespecting you and getting away with it because he is a widow. A PP put it well when they said "if he wife was still alive and they were divorced, would his behaviour be OK?" - answer no because it indicates he's in love with her, not in love with you and you are wasting your time.

Grief doesn't get him off the hook of behaving badly if he's chosen to enter into a new relationship. He should realise he isn't ready.

Dump him now before it starts to destroy your self esteem.

Original poster
Saffy101 · 30/04/2019 18:26

Thank you all for listening, I'm sure I shall be - "back" with results!!! I would never expect him to stop loving his late wife but I do/did expect him to find a way to change his persepective. Make me his priority now and in the future. He is coming over soon so unless he pulls something out of the bag sadly we will have a chat and I will explain that as things are it isn't making me happy.

OP posts:
IndieTara · 30/04/2019 18:59

Good Luck OP. I dated a widower and had the same experience,

He insisted time and again he was ready for a relationship but he absolutely wasn't

MsDogLady · 30/04/2019 19:52

He is still immersed in her. On some level he likely feels guilty for moving on and is sabotaging your relationship. It is not fair to expect you to listen to his constant reminiscing—places, facts, details. In doing so, he is putting distance between you.

He is emotionally unavailable.

FuriousVexation · 30/04/2019 20:14

I'm a widow, it took me 4 years to feel ready to date again (and then after the last pillock I gave up!)

2yrs isn't long to recover, but better than my mum's experience - she met a guy who was a widower and it transpired the wife only died SIX WEEKS before.

He even told my mum that "his friend sent him a link to a dating site" (because that's what all caring friends would do a month or so after their friend was widowed, right?) and as he was signing up he felt a "presence" in the room and smelled his late wife's perfume.

I was like "YEAH SHE WAS SHOUTING WTF YOU FAITHLESS TWATBADGER"

6 WEEKS?!

Anyway OP it sounds like you've made a decison and I personally think it's the right one. Good luck.

YouJustDoYou · 30/04/2019 20:18

It seems he thinks he is ok and ready...But he's not. Its not you, OP. Its just he's not there yet in terms of being able to let go. Grief takes all kind of forms, and everyone is different in how they cope and move on.it seems he may like you, but he's just not ready yet to "move on" from his deceased wife

BambooB · 30/04/2019 20:31

He isn't ready. And you need to back away, let him grieve.

pineapplepatty · 30/04/2019 20:44

He's not ready.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/04/2019 20:58

He's a) not ready for a relationship and b) a really thoughtless, self involved pillock. Grief can do that to a person though, so I'll cut him some slack.

He probably doesn't realise he isn't ready for a relationship however, because he sees it as all about him - he would absolutely love a girlfriend to spend time with him, listen to him, comfort him and sleep with him. He will swear blind he DEFINITELY is ready for all that stuff. What he isn't ready for is to actually have anything to offer in return.

forumdonkey · 01/05/2019 06:56

if he wife was still alive and they were divorced, would his behaviour be OK?"

There is no comparison to someone who has divorced and someone who has died.

eddielizzard · 01/05/2019 07:14

He's clearly not over the death of his wife, and because of that, I'd walk away. You can't rush grief. Very sad, but he's not a great partner atm.

Mummaofmytribe · 01/05/2019 07:23

He's not ready. He's probably lonely and really, truly feels something for you. But it's too soon for him.
My mother died just over a year ago. My stepdad is aghast at the idea of "replacing" her. I've told him none of us will ever mind if he changes that view. But atm he's adamant that relationship is the last thing he could cope with. So at least he's honest and self aware.
Good luck OP. I hope you find someone more unemcumbered who thinks solely about you

AvengersAssemble · 01/05/2019 07:38

Very sad for you both. I wish you both well. Thanks

EvaHarknessRose · 01/05/2019 07:59

Its good for him to be with you, but not for you to be with him. Just continue to be honest, ‘I couldn’t expect you not to mention her when we are out, that would be unfair, but every time you do I feel invisible, and so dating right now is not going to work’.

JenniferJareau · 01/05/2019 08:39

I agree, he is ready for fwb but not a proper relationship.

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