His constant references to his late wife are wearing me down.

[Saffy101]

Perhaps I am selfish? We have been together only six months and he is very nice to be with. His wife has been dead just over 2 years, not that long.

He insisted when we got together that he was ready for a new relationship.

But anything we do and she comes up. He calls her his wife, not his late wife. And I hear the same stories again and again, mostly about how they coped with her illness and how he was responsible for knowing about the equipment etc. BUT I even know how they folded thier carrier bags and where they were kept.

We went out for the day last weekend - my choice of direction and on the journey I discovered they had been up that road, so it reminded him and he reminisced again, then we passed a hotel he took her to for a lovely break on another occasion, he tells me it was very nice indeed. Later it came up that they had been somewhere else which I had hoped to take him to next weekend for his birthday treat and I am upset as I wanted it to be about him and me and not them!!!

So the next morning I was bold. I said I wanted to ask a question. I felt that he was in love but not with me. He replied by staring at the bedroom ceiling and saying that he couldn't just switch it on just like that and clicked his fingers. With that he up and left, I will be seeing him tonight - or I think I will, he hasn't emailed or phoned since he left yesterday morning. He knows I love him.

I don't get invited to stay in his....HER house - ever.

I am not widowed but once found myself grieving long term for a lost love. I had to stop wallowing in I wish I was with him, stop looking at the photographs, to get over it....to an extent to be available to love again. He is not doing that.

I feel as if I am just company for a man that wishes he was with someone else.

Advice, comfort...anything.

UPDATE, he came over last night and brought supper, while he cooked we talked. We both found the conversation very difficult. I told him that he and his late wife had their time for their relationship just the two of them without a third party sitting smack in the middle of their relationship and that if he wanted me I wanted my time just the two of us.

I understand that there will be times that he will want to/need to spend time with family “for” her, or need to share things about her but it shouldn’t be too often and encroach on “us”. By the time we sat down to eat we had all but decided that he would leave afterwards. Neither of us could eat, tears trickled down his face. He said that he thought the world of me and that it wasn’t in him to say things like – “darling I love you” – to anyone. But that although he loves his wife he is beginning to love me, that he loves every minute he spends with me and he actually isn’t thinking of her all the time anymore and didn’t realise he was hurting me.

After much heart searching and with two stone cold meals in front of us, I said that he should have said something on the lines of thinking the world of me when I asked the question the morning before. But that if he thought that much of me that I would like to see what happens and see if we can make it work. Later he asked if we could give it a try, just the two of us, he didn’t realise he spoke of her so often and the impact that would have, that I would assume he was thinking about her over me. So I explained that when we are doing something and he suddenly talks about the past with her, it is obvious that he isn't here in the moment with me. He didn't know what to say.

I am still not confident that this will work but we do have a great deal in common, and he is genuine, so I think it is worth a try. I believe him when says he does have feelings for me as well and that is a very good start. I don’t expect him to stop loving his late wife. I think there is a small chance we might make it as he wants it very badly.I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater, I can do that any time.....and do realise that I probably will as he probably can't change just yet. BUT if he wants to change badly enough...he will.

Thank you all very much for your kindness. I have read and re read every post. x

Such a sad situation for you both. FWIW it sounds like he may not be quite ready yet to move on, but I can understand why you want to give it another go.

Good luck OP. If he walks the walk as well then great.

Hi @Saffy101 I'm a widow and am now married to a widower. We came at widowhood from different directions - had my DH not got cancer I'd have left him. He loved his wife and had 30 years of a happy marriage and 3 adult children.

I hope it works out for you with him. It's sounds like you have a good foundation

My DH puts it quite well in that you can love again, you don't ever stop loving your late wife but you can love someone else - he say it's different. After my brother died his partner said she'd never love anyone again like she had my DB and my DH told her that based on our experience, you can and you won't be forgetting that person or being disloyal to them.

I often feel like 2nd Hand Rose and he insists I'm not. His kids talk about their mum - and why shouldn't they, she's their mum, but I find it hard sometimes.

I take the attitude that she must have been a lovely person to have helped make him and his children into such lovely people. I often secretly thank her.

Gradually you will make shared memories (I hate that phrase, but I can't think of another) and you will feel more confident within the relationship- life changes - families change shape I feel like 15 years on, we have made our own little blended family

Sorry for typos I'm typing on my phone.
I meant to say that my brothers partner is now very happily with someone else and I'm really pleased for her.

I feel for both of you in this situation.

My DF died almost ten years ago, very quickly from cancer. He had been with my mum for almost 40 years. About 4 years after his death, my mum was invited out for coffee by a man she'd been to school with to discuss an upcoming school reunion. She got herself in such a state about it because she felt that it was a betrayal of my dad.

I'm sad that she refuses to entertain the idea of being with another man, even just for companionship. She is still young enough to find happiness again but she is adamant that she could not 'replace' him. She still resents being called a 'widow' she says she's not a widow - she's still married. She just can't and won't let go

I'm assuming that you are DP's first relationship after his loss? It is going to take time, and you are going to have to be patient if he is someone you would like to continue a relationship with.

It sounds as though you have made progress after last night, and I hope that you are both able to work things out. Best of luck OP.

12 months ago I could have wrote your exact same post .

It's been a long , tough road to walk with him but completely worth it to get to where we are today .

No one can understand the hurt when you know they are thinking about them and not you , the constant feeling of knowing they would rather be with them than you , the shame of feeling jealous of a ghost and having to smile brightly and listen to story after story of how fabulous they were from not only your partner but their families and friends who seem to think you want to know all this stuff .

And then having the rest of world think your a cow for feeling the way you do because , well she is dead and it's a shame for him .

All the time screaming in your own head "WHAT ABOUT ME " .

No one can truly know what it is like unless you've lived it , it's gets better , so much better but it honestly get worse first , you have to decide if you can manage that bit .

If I'd have known then what I know now , I would have have never put myself through it , but I did and whilst it's still not all a bed of roses and I still occasionally get that stabby feeling in my tummy when the wistful eyes start or the comparisons start ( not so much him now , that's more the friends or family ) it was/is overall worth it .

Thank you for reading that , that's the first time I've ever been able to say that out loud .

Pm me of you need too , I would have managed better if I could have been free to say what I needed to without judgement .

@saywhatnowhow that's s great response. I understand exactly what you're saying.
Even recently 15 years on with our relationship things pop up that I find hurtful e.g II had a health scare and told my stepdaughter that I was feeling much better on the medication the hospital gave me. She replied "I wish those pills had been around when my mum was alive and she might not have died" I felt like she was saying why are you alive and well and not her mum. She probably didn't mean it like this but I felt hurt and mean to think this. I try to smile and ignore comments like this
It's a hard road to travel and sometimes you can't do right, despite it all we are happy

@nellyitsme

I don't want to derail the thread with just my thought and feelings but I can totally relate to what your saying .

You know the SDC's don't mean it in that way but it's still the first way you think of it ( old feelings die hard !) and then feel like an utter cow for even thinking badly in the first place .

I'm much newer to the situation than you are but what I have found to be the biggest help has been just the passing of time . Being able to say "remember this time last year when were at xxxx place " "last Xmas , you and I " etc .

We are getting there and it's amazing .. it was just so so very shit for a very long time before that and I struggled with my own self , I thought I was a nasty person for feeling that way , it didn't help that because of my profession I have quite a dark sense of humour so when I did try to talk it came out really close to the bone iyswhim

It sounds like you've got good communication with him OP, best of luck.

Thanks @saywhatnowhow.
Hope all is well @Saffy101 sending you good wishes

Hi @saffy101. I really feel for you with this and there are some really perceptive, understanding responses. I think @nellyitsme and @saywhatnowhow have really summed it up.

I’m dating a widower (approx 3.5 years), and we’re very like @nellyitsme. I’m a widow but was unhappily married whereas my Bf was very happy with his wife. I’ve also felt this has been a fairly long and slow process and I recognise that ‘Stabby feeling in the tummy’ that @saywhatnowhow describes. For me, it was never about him talking about her all the time - that’s pretty balanced- but his house. It wasn’t a shrine or anything but so little had been changed and I honestly felt like I was the other woman, sneaking into his house when his wife was out.

Anyway, you’ve done the right thing in sitting him down fairly early and talking. I let my worries brew for ages and ended up blurting them all out in tears about a year ago, not the best really. Anyway, the point is that he started to make changes in response to what i’d said. It was like he just hadn’t realised and I think for you, it’s now about waiting to see what he does.

Sometimes, I think dating a widower requires buckets loads of patience and you need to clear on your own boundaries. Being widowed isn’t an excuse for inconsiderate behaviour, but if you see him respond to your concerns it’ll be an indicator of how much he cares
For you.

Sorry, I should have said we’ve been dating for 3.5 years, he’s been widowed for 6. All
Of which just emphasises what a long road this can be!