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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

BF has taken (stolen!) my prescription meds without telling me

85 replies

LittleBeee · 30/04/2019 12:29

First time poster but long time lurker/reader. And just as the title says really. I will add 'allegedly' but it can't be anyone else who took my prescription meds. I haven't taken any in months but needed one yesterday and found half the pack is gone. He knew they were there and he once took one (he told me just after he'd taken it) and I was shocked as he'd had a lot of alcohol and they definitely do not mix as dangerous. Back then, I took pics of the number that were left so I could compare and see if he was taking more - and yesterday (first time I'd looked at packet in a while), lots are gone. It was clear even without comparing the photos! I haven't touched them in a few months and can't say exactly when he'd have done it. Could have been just this weekend or several months before or anything in-between. It's not like he's just pilfered one or two here and there - an entire blister pack is gone. They are 'desirable' meds in the wrong hands and highly addictive. He would not be taking them for the same reasons as me. And yes, I should have hidden them (though they were in a drawer) but I trusted him.

We don't live together, 6 month relationship. He's early 40s (I'm 10 yrs older but not an issue). He has addiction problems - mainly alcohol (current and it's a problem, says he'll get help but doesn't, though he does want to change and for me to support him through this) and he admits to other drugs in past. We mainly get on brilliantly but are also in very different positions in life. Maybe that's part of the attraction for each of us - that we're so different, though also similar in many ways. It's not the first thing I've discovered he's taken without my knowledge (not meds previously and he claimed I knew about this other thing, but I most certainly didn't and to me it was stealing - he says not). He also owes me a few hundred pounds too, which I suppose I'll never see. I daren't even mention that now.

I've ended this r/s several times in the past because of the alcohol and other issues regarding his ex who he claims is his 'best friend' - though all his many female friends seem to be his 'best friends' and I feel played off against them. He doesn't much like it if I mention my male friends. He's always reeled me back or I've missed him and believed he'd change etc. There are lots of good things about him, but also negatives too. I do love him but this latest thing has given me a bitter taste. Again.

I haven't told him yet that I know about the meds. I'm struggling whether to tell him (it's a pretty big deal for me as I have trust issues anyway and he knows this). So do I tell him and, if so how? The 'kind and understanding approach', or 'angry and accusative/it's over' tack? I know he'll likely deny it or wriggle out of it by saying I gave them to him - which I certainly did not and wouldn't have, even if he'd asked. He's very much of the mind that things are 'share and share alike' with us (though that seems a one-way street in our r/s as I'm solvent and he's in debt) Am I being uptight about this or unreasonable? How do I confront him? Thanks MN xx

OP posts:
qazxc · 30/04/2019 13:46

Do you want to be in this relationship?
It doesn't seem that he is treating you very well.
If it were me, I wouldn't bother telling him about the tablets as he will probably try to lie or gaslight you. I'd just end the relationship.

ElspethFlashman · 30/04/2019 13:46

Agree don't even discuss it.

Just say the feelings aren't there like they should, and it's best you part ways. And you wish him well.

So if he promises xy and z, it's irrelevant, because you just don't feel it. Hey ho. That's life. Hope you find the one for you etc etc.

Don't say anything about wanting to stay friends! He's a user who would exploit that!

sueelleker · 30/04/2019 13:47

And if he's not taking them himself he's probably selling them on.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/04/2019 13:47

I've been taken for a mug and that's that. Lol and no chance of me getting pregnant

were you trying to get pregnant by this unreliable man Hmm

Chocolatedragon · 30/04/2019 13:48

Although it’s been said many times, I would like to add my voice. His guy is NOT good for you!

1Wildheartsease · 30/04/2019 13:48

He is an addict and few addicts can be trusted with access to their substances. Even treasured property that can be sold - to fund an addiction- is unsafe. This is true even if they do love the people they are taking from. The 'love' for the drug is the strongest thing that can be felt.

If he intended to recover - he would probably have asked you not to have drink etc. in sight and to lock up your prescription and to ensure that he really couldn't access it even if he could find it.

From the outside - he doesn't look worth the effort you describe.

You could do better.

ElspethFlashman · 30/04/2019 13:49

Of course not *BumbleBeee69,, the OP is in her mid fifties!

VanillaCoconutDove · 30/04/2019 13:52

Bumblebee a previous poster hoped that op wasn’t attempting to or accidentally falling pregnant. The op however is in her 50s so it’s unlikely.

1Wildheartsease · 30/04/2019 13:52

If it wasn't such a serious matter- I would suggest doing some swapping about in your medicine chest and repackaging powerful laxatives as your prescription!

LittleBeee · 30/04/2019 13:55

Yep, I'll just calmly end it. And that's that. Def not trying to get pregnant lol!
Thanks again all.

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 30/04/2019 13:56

You don't have 'core love' with a cheating addict you've barely known for half a year. Don't be silly.

WizardOfAus · 30/04/2019 13:58

He’s not a good guy at all, OP.

DUMP.

cakecakecheese · 30/04/2019 13:59

OP you sound like a nice lady who likes to see the best in people which is lovely but you have to wise up and not let people take advantage. What is your relationship history like? Do you have a habit of trying to 'save' people? I'd recommend working on it, maybe others have a suggestion of a good book you can read to help with that.

TheABC · 30/04/2019 13:59

"Hi XX. I have been thinking things over and decided to end our relationship. It's not working for me. I will drop off any of your possessions this weekend at your place.

Thanks, OP"

At this point, I would keep it short, sweet and factual. Don't give him a single inch to rope you back in! I appreciate you will also lose out on the "loan", but as you are unlikely to ever see that cash if you stay, just chalk it up as an important life lesson. Discreetly drop anything of his off in the early morning when he can't see/beg/cry/lie or gaslight you into staying.

notatwork · 30/04/2019 14:02

I try to believe there's good in everyone - and I kind of still do here
That's lovely of you OP. I think though, that the good in this man is better appreciated from a good distance away.

bloodywhitecat · 30/04/2019 14:03

You are six months in to this relationship, you don't "bring this up" with him, you walk and walk fast. You are right, there is good in most people but it is not your job to bring out the good in him, especially with this recent a relationship. Chances are, if he does step out of the gutter he will step on you on the way out.

YouJustDoYou · 30/04/2019 14:05

Good for you op. You're worth more than being treated like this. X

LittleBeee · 30/04/2019 14:08

@wheresmyvagina yep, you're right re 'core love' and anyone else who mentioned it. Bad choice of words on my part, I guess, but I was trying to show that I do (did) have some actual feelings for the good parts of him (which there are) or I wouldn't have stuck around. Not defending any of this or arguing with any of you though. I agree! And I have been silly, yes! ( my r/s history reflects this and I thought I'd dealt with it... clearly not). Re the 'loan' - it was stuff I'd paid for on his behalf that he promised he'd pay me back for. And hasn't. I'll just write it off. I honestly never expected things to turn out like this. And I'm definitely a rescuer! Though I must have some red-flag radar working or I wouldn't be feeling like this and about to end it...

OP posts:
SaskiaRembrandt · 30/04/2019 14:09

You're doing the right thing, LittleBeee, he might be lovely underneath it all, but you can't fix him, and he'll end up dragging you down with him.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/04/2019 14:11

Run, don't look back.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2019 14:13

I feel a bit (very) stupid tbh but I try to believe there's good in everyone - and I kind of still do here

So do I. That doesn't mean I have to be in a relationship with them.

Mitzimaybe · 30/04/2019 14:17

He lies to you and gaslights you (saying you knew about him taking the other thing when you absolutely didn't.

He is an an alcoholic. Possibly also a drug addict (admits to it in the past, would probably hide it now.) Says he wants to reduce his dependency on alcohol and for you to support him through it. Translation: When he fails (which he will) it will be your fault because you weren't supportive enough.
He is in debt and has "borrowed" money off you but has no intention of paying it back.
He is still extremely close to his ex and a lot of other women too.
He is jealous of your male friends and doesn't even like you mentioning them - this is a first step towards stopping you seeing them.

Honestly, you need to get away from this man. Run and don't look back.

Mitzimaybe · 30/04/2019 14:20

Oops, delay in posting means I didn't see your latest posts. Very well done for seeing the light, OP.

If he has a key to your house, get it back before ending it. Probably change the locks as well. He won't be happy when his source of funds is cut off.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 14:24

Op when they are stealing from you and fucking other women, then it's time to end it, not soon, immediately. Text him it's over and block.

I'm sorry but he's just using you for what he can get, money, drugs, sex, a place to crash, whatever .

Text him and end it now. It's been six months. You hardly know this guy, never mind love him. Cmon time to grow up. If he remotely cared about you he'd not be using you like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2019 14:28

You are indeed a rescuer. Your boundaries are still far too low and this also needs to be worked on through counselling, this relationship should never have happened at all let alone as long as it has.

Look carefully at what you have learnt about relationships along the way. Who taught you how to be a rescuer, one or other of your parents most probably and that tendency will not and has not served you at all well. Some rescuers develop their habit in childhood. Their family dynamic forced them to care for a sibling or even older relative, establishing the constant care of others as the norm. Other rescuers date a few men who need help changing, and the women become addicted to this dynamic.

You may have an attraction to “broken” men. You have to realise that they can’t fix these men and that they deserve a partner who is able to care for and better himself. You will ultimately need to let go of being a rescuer and or saviour here.

Read the book called "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

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