How did you know that you were over your ex?

[spritesobright]

I assume it's gradual but I was thinking the other day that I don't love my STBXH anymore and actually I'm finding it more and more difficult to remember why I did love him.
It's so strange to feel that way when 8 months ago I was crying to my therapist that I still loved him.
He spent a year criticising me, gaslighted me over his affair, lied about why he was leaving and told me repeatedly that he wasn't in love with me. But I still found it so difficult to let go.
So for those who have been through it, were there any telltale signs that you were well over them? Or did you go on loving them in a way?

My friend said when she no longer cared enough even argue with him.

My ex has been horrendous since the 3 years apart and awful at the end of the relationship.

I felt over things almost instantly in terms of wanting to be away from him the moment I heard about his affair, but part of me misses the person he used to be. I sometimes remember how easy it was when we were first together.

Good news is that this doesn't mean I'm not over him, I'm just so far along I can reflect that there were good times initially!

I bumped into him on the street and didn’t care my hair was a mess

When you no longer have any love, hate, interest in them at all. When you don’t have any feeling of any kind for them

When I saw how fat her ass had become a couple of weeks ago. Priceless.

This is going to sound weird, but as our relationship broke down, I think I went through stages of letting go without even realising I was doing so.

1. We used to argue furiously, mainly about his refusal to do anything aroudn the house without serious amounts of persuasion.
2. It was almost like the anger burnt out of me as I became worn down. He was still angry, sulky, and resentful but I just felt more and more calm. I begged to go to counselling, he refused.
3. I remember looking at him one day, when he'd flooded the house just before guests were coming (an accident of the type that he was always having because he just wasn't responsible), and thinking "I don't fancy you at all any more. I care about you, but I don't find you attractive".
4. I found him flirting with another woman online and laughing at me.

At the time, my mother was very unwell with breast cancer and we didn't know if she was going to make it. I had developed an eating disorder, largely due to the anxiety, and had an anorexic BMI - he was mocking this. I printed out the conversation and confronted him. AT that moment realised actually I didn't care about him or respect him either.

1. I left. Amazingly, this came as a total bombshell to him.

At every stage, I was behind my feelings, and realised only after the event that I had stopped feeling degrees of love and care.

When I found I wasn't thinking about him all the time anymore.
When I found I was living my own life again and not "our" life if you know what I mean.

It took a long long time as I got sucked back in several times.

There are a couple of relationships I still have sort of a love for them. Maybe it is like a nostalgic fondness/love for the times we shared.

Like a relative you were close to who passed on.

It's too soon to tell if I will feel that way about my exH

Interesting responses. I think I just want it to be over. I wish I didn't spend so much time thinking about him leaving and how he screwed me over. He's been on and off again with the other woman and I thought I didn't care. Then a friend mentioned she'd seen them out together and I felt sick at the thought.
It's not that I still love him but I'm not yet at 'meh' and just disinterested.
And yet, I can see cracks in the marriage where I didn't see them before and I have points where I can realistically envision a future (even present) that is happier without him.

pissedonatrain how long has it been? I think it would be difficult not to feel a fondness for the times you shared with someone you loved deeply, married and had children with.

I think it's different for each person. You sound like you're moving in the right direction - you're not getting stuck in some horrible well of bitterness and regret, but are gradually detaching emotionally. You're just not totally over him yet. Give it more time and be kind to yourself. I think, like most complicated things, progress is not linear but goes in dips and leaps.

I don't give him a second thought.

The healing process takes time though. Before I was over it when I caught myself thinking about him and the horrible things he did I reminded myself that he wasn't worth my time and made a choice to think about myself and the future without him in it instead.

It's a process and you sound like you're moving in the right direction. It can come in waves, some days or hours you'll feel totally fine and realise you haven't thought about them for a while. Then you'll have moments when your heart breaks, but those moments become fewer and fewer and less intense.
My ex was abusive. I'm a year down the line, I still get angry and upset, but mostly, I want him to stay away from me. I'd hate to bump into him, I tense up when he phones or texts. I use to beat myself up a lot because I can't just block him, I don't anymore, it feels part of the process, I'm sure he only wants one thing from me, and I can see him for what he is.
Getting over someone is different for everyone.

Mine was like a light switch was turned on and I just realised that I was over him. It felt like it came out of nowhere, it kind of caught me by surprise that I just didn't care about him anymore and the love had gone.
I had spent months in emotional turmoil over my ex (we had thought about trying again, then deciding against it , a complete rollercoaster of emotions) but when the moment arrived when I realised I was over him, when I thought of him...I felt nothing. Just...indifference.

I didnt' care what he was doing. I hadn't been thinking about who he was with. I wasnt checking my phone to see if he had messaged because I just didnt care. When I saw his name on caller ID when he called, I just didnt care. And it felt brilliant : )

downcasteyes that's very kind. And so true about how progress isn't linear. When I think about the state I was in 10 months ago I was such a mess.

Wadingthroughshit yes, I try to avoid my ex if possible and tense up a bit when I receive texts from him. He can be quite controlling and when he texts he seems to be demanding I solve a problem that he's come up with (last time it was where the spare key was - turned out his mother still had it!)
I hope it will be easier to detach when the divorce is over. We are in the midst of financial negotiations and I knew those were bound to get heated.
We don't argue but he did threaten to take me to court after my solicitor submitted a financial proposal he considered 'ridiculous.' That kind of knee jerk, defensive reaction is just one of the ways he kept me on alert.

It’s a gradual process. Like untying a big ball of knitted string. It depends how involved you were ie kids and how long you were together.

I split up with an unfaithful manipulator. I was on holiday with some friends on the 1 year anniversary of our split and was having such a good time I didn’t realise until a few days later. When I sat down and thought about it I realised that over the last 6 months I’d been checking his Facebook less and less (he was unfaithful and lied so I was looking for answers - never got a lot of those answers but stopped caring). I probably stopped caring around the 6-9 month mark and realised I was emotionally free after a year. We were together 5 years.

We were together 15 years, married, 2 kids. The split came as a shock to me, totally unilateral. He'd had an affair and is still seeing her.

I'm 10 months down the line. Luckily he's not on fb (and neither am I) but I still have to see him regarding the children and we're in the middle of a divorce...

When I saw his Facebook with photos of his new partner and I felt absolutely nothing. Didn’t feel jealous, hurt, sad, happy. Just nothing as though I couldn’t care less.

I still get the odd trigger that gives me a pang of something about an ex from 5ish years ago. But I remember the first time I realised I hadn't thought about him at all for a day was a breakthrough.

Also utter indifference eventually - not to spite them, but genuinely not bothered enough so social media stalk / obsessively think about them / feel worried if you bump into them.

Funnily enough that's usually the stage they try to get you back again and I only learned recently not to fall for it! I don't want to have to play games and do the whole "why men love bitches" dance.

You sound lovely and you'll get to the indifference place I'm sure

@spritesobright

Sorry cross posted, fucking hell that's awful I'm so sorry that happened to you x

Aw, such kind responses on here. Thanks all you lovely mnetters. Sometimes you just need reminding that yes, it was traumatic but life does go on and it just takes time.
My DD would love us to get back together as well and her eternal hope kills me. I can see why it doesn't make sense to her because it didn't make sense to me.
But over time I've realised that it probably won't ever make sense. I can't understand his motivations and there's no point trying.

Yep, indifference is what you’re aiming for. Not hate just no longer caring. That’s when you’ll feel free and you’ll just wake up one morning and realise you haven’t thought about him for days. Hugs and best wishes.

I was pretty much over him within a few weeks when I realised how much easier my life was without him. By the time the divorce was finalised, I was ready to celebrate. Then DD2 came home, distraught, afraid to tell me what was wrong, when XH remarried and told her after the fact. She was afraid to tell me what was wrong and I felt nothing.

Littlecandle it sounds like he got remarried really quickly after your divorce then? Great you were in a place not to care again.

I think I'd find that difficult if he got married again so soon after telling me that marriage had been a 'mistake'.

To be fair though, at least my ex is not one of those gloaty b*rds who can't wait to tell you how great their life is without you.

I would love to tell him that I am now having the best sex of my LIFE without him but will reserve that nugget of knowledge.

Its took me about 5 yrs and I was the one that ended it. I think I realised after 15 yrs together and me driving the relationship that he really didn't give a shit! What stung was the fact he moved on so quickly...new gf and baby when I seemed to have to beg him to do anything. Sad really that I did love him and dont think I'll ever get over what happened. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life!

Spritesobright, it took two and a half years to get the divorce through, as he was living and working abroad and kept trying to move the goal posts. So I was well over him. I think it was perhaps a couple of months after the divorce was finalised when he married. I honestly can't remember, as he was so unimportant to me by then.

I do have to admit feeling a lot of glee that his marriage broke down this year and he got a one-way ticket back to the UK from his wife. He has been left with absolutely nothing from any of his 3 marriages (I was no.2) and only one of his children communicates with him regularly. I frequently wonder how it was that I stayed married to him for so long.

I am not there yet OP - only two months separated (at my request). I think I know it is for the best but have days where I doubt it all.

I miss the man he used to be and even though I only contact him about DD I find it tough.

The fact that he is online dating when he had no time for us as a family (devoted his whole life to work and cycling) makes me feel sad.

Stupidly I miss his physical presence even though he was like a dark cloud most of the time.

No contact and not seeing him at all is definitely the best thing for me.

Indifference is my aim although indifference is a long way off right now.