How did you know that you were over your ex?

[spritesobright]

I assume it's gradual but I was thinking the other day that I don't love my STBXH anymore and actually I'm finding it more and more difficult to remember why I did love him.
It's so strange to feel that way when 8 months ago I was crying to my therapist that I still loved him.
He spent a year criticising me, gaslighted me over his affair, lied about why he was leaving and told me repeatedly that he wasn't in love with me. But I still found it so difficult to let go.
So for those who have been through it, were there any telltale signs that you were well over them? Or did you go on loving them in a way?

When indifference turns into actual disbelief that you wasted so much time on someone who was so clearly wrong for you.

When I realised that I didn't care if I bumped into him somewhere.

For my ex H, when I stopped being D ared of standing me ground in case it caused an argument. I needed to stand up for myself and I now can.

When you don't think about them AT ALL

When I felt pitty for him because I realised his life was pretty pathetic, all through his own bad choices.

LittleCandle I don't blame you for the glee. I think my ex has broken up with other woman but not sure and partly it would just be the reassurance that actually it was him, not me.

Snooper22 I'm so sorry you feel that way about your life being wasted! But you could still be with him, continuing to be miserable - and wouldn't that be worse. I'll bet his new gf has to beg him to do anything too and they're both dealing with the stress of sleeplessness and feeding routines that babies bring.

I did want a third child before the split but ex resisted and now I think - thank god we didn't.

I'm reading these and looking forward to having this feeling!

I knew when I seen his wedding pics online and I felt like a weight had literally lifted from my shoulders. He had me living in limbo for years. He only told be 6 months before that he had met someone (I knew he'd been having an affair with her for at least 3 years since our dd was born) but the rat was still telling me lies. I had to find out on Facebook that he was getting married. After years of misery and uncertainty and lies I finally felt free. It took me a long time to get myself together but after being on my own & finding myself again I have met a fabulous guy and realise what a waste my ex was.
You'll get stronger and realise that you are so much better off without the rat!! Good luck x

What do you think makes the most difference with how long it takes to get over an ex? How long/short the relationship? How badly they behaved? Who initiated the split? I'm at the shitty end of a 20y relationship and wondering what I might be in for. Feel a bit weak just thinking about it.

OP and anyone else in this position.

LeighAnne, I was 20+ years into the marriage. I knew things were not great between us, but every marriage goes through rough patches and I had taken vows that I meant. But when I found out he'd been cheating (an anonymous phone call), I could see that I had buried my head in the sand for years about it. I was only grateful that I knew I hadn't caught anything from him as he had been avoiding our bed for years.

I had no idea how I would cope. I had no job, the recession had just hit, we were living in an economically deprived area anyway, so no chance of a job. At one point he stopped paying the bills - not caring that DD2 was still at school. I initiated selling the house and got away, moving in to share with a friend who had also suffered a marriage breakdown. But I realised at some point between him leaving and initiating the move, that I was stronger than I thought and I certainly didn't need him!

Sorry to hear you went through that LittleCandle.

I read on another thread that you can expect to need a month for every year you were together to get over a marriage breakdown.

I stopped loving him a while before I left. By the end I couldn't even row with him. I literally had nothing left to give to him, he had leached the life out of me. I only just had the strength to leave. In a way I am grateful that he was so horrendous that he left me no room for "what ifs"

I first thought I was over him when he moved out with his mother who had been living with us for some time. I was on the phone to my brother upset and he told me to make a cuppa and he'd call back in a few minutes. I turned around and noticed she had stolen my kettle and toaster (amongst other things), then burst out laughing. I realised I wasn't upset over losing him it was all the stress they'd put me through the last few months that I was crying over.

The odd day I missed him or thought of our plans to travel which were now never going to happen. Eventually I met a great guy and while out hiking, we ran into my ex.

We came over a hill laughing with our dog and there he was coming the other way. Just staring as we walked past. I felt nothing. I politly smiled and nodded as we walked past. That is when I knew 100% us breaking up was the best outcome and I wish I could thank his mum.

She'd stolen your kettle!?😂 My ex MIL stole my mini fridge. What is up with that?

My ex also had an eerily close relationship with his mum and now she seems to spend every weekend at his while the girls are there.

Sometimes I felt like I was in a 3 way marriage with her!

When I found out he was having a baby with someone else. Knocked me off my pedestal, the last thing I had left to cling to. After a hideous long history together it was my breaking point. I finally let go. He's treated her the same as he did me, and I now find myself offering her genuine support as he continues to ruin her life. I had a lucky escape but she's stuck. Me and my DD have a much happier life. I wish the same for her and her DD.

I thought i’d never get over being dumped by exh but i can think of him now with total indifference... never thought it possible

Spritesobrite yes my exh had a very close relationship with his mother, I liked it at first but grated me later on. She would do nothing for me. Now she's tound his house cleaning and helping with the kids!! I'm happier now I've got plenty more years left :D

When I separated from my ex, I never missed him for a second as he was never the companion I wanted or needed. I was very sad that my marriage had ended as I did not want my children to come from a broken home and felt a failure.
I have never had any interested in what he has been doing since nor who he is with.
Looking back to when we first met and the years that followed it feels as if I must have been a different person. I found dozens of cards we exchanged and on reading the things I wrote I have no recollection of ever feeling that way about him.

Crimsonlake that is quite extraordinary. Funny how our memories and selves work and change.
I think my moving on was initially hindered by trying to stay on friendly terms. Now I just try not to engage in anything but the essentials around the kids.
He always looks so miserable anyways, it's draining just being in his presence.

Snooper22 yes, it's funny how mummy rushes in to help when they manage to f**k up everything.

My MIL just completely blanked me and made my life more difficult by not responding to practical texts.

Now he's left I see how very much like his mother he actually is.

ThatCurlyGirl

Absolutely right. I bumped in to my ex years later (I was about 10 weeks pregnant to new DP but obviously didn’t tell ex that), had a very brief, cursory chat and didn’t think anything of it.

That night, FB messages from ex “you looked lovely today, I’d forgotten how much we got on, shall we meet up soon?”. I blocked him. The next time he saw me was with baby in buggy and he made a point of avoiding me.

I'm not according to how some of you were .

Other exes I never think of at all.

My friends DS and his partner have split up mum and dad have flown an ocean to be with him. I feel they should keep an open mind. I hope they do and are not blinded by parental love.

@spritesobright

We were together more than a decade.

I caught him cheating and kicked him out almost 2 years ago. If I had filed right away and went no contact then, I would have healed much faster.

He kept acting like he wanted to reconcile and I fell for it. That is what really kept me from healing and moving on.

I'd say it was about 6 months ago, it finally sunk in how cruel he really was and he wasn't the man I married at all. He was a two faced lying cheat and there was nothing to save.

I finally filed for the divorce as he wouldn't and then I felt free.
I know that doesn't exactly answer your question on how long it takes.
Like others said, it's a process.
I wrote some of the cruel things he had done to me to read whenever I thought of him or had nostalgic feelings for him. It helped a lot as I couldn't whitewash and just remember the good we had.
I made myself think about what I wanted to do and my future; and I was seeing the future as just me and not us anymore.

I think my mind and heart finally caught up to how he truly was.

When I saw a picture of him and his new gf and I thought "poor girl, she looks nice, I hope she doesn't end up how I did." Sadly she did but she's with someone else now (apparently she left him for the same reasons I did which is ironic), she looked very happy when I saw her with her new man and I thought good for her, I hope she is happy now.

When I don't at all care what he tells my kids about me.