Anyone else ok being singe but find these things hard to deal with? :(

[user6hty]

Bit of background...I'm 33 this year (soon!), single and live alone. I bought my house at 27 with no help from family. My job is good, I generally have enough money unless things go wrong. on the face of it, I shouldn't complain but...

I am starting to feel so alone and miserable...I feel like life is so difficult to get by when you are single. nobody to share the mortgage or be there when the boiler breaks down, I have 6k credit card debt which is difficult sometimes. if I lost my job I would be in difficulty. my family don't get it. mum never had to work and my sister is married and settled and lives in a huge house, earning less than a third of my income.

friends in very basic jobs go on lavish holidays or work part time. I worry when my car tax is due, despite being in a well paid profession.

thats just the money. I have nobody at all the key events, weddings, christenings etc. constantly been told I am too picky. babies are mentioned all the time...as if I am not aware of it!

if I have a rubbish day theres nobody there when I get home. if I feel poorly theres nobody to make me soup. I realise how self pitying this sounds, but today it has all just got to me.

I feel like the odd one out. I date but just haven't met the right one. maybe I never will. but the world feels so set up for couples and I feel so alone today. even booking holidays alone is expensive compared with going as a couple.

Morning. I woke up thinking I would start a thread about singledom. Slightly different to your situation though (will get to that).

Sorry you're feeling this way. I'm divorced and have had my children but I remember the special kind of pressure of other people's expectations around having kids... even when I was with my H. You're right about events and holidays... it's difficult when you're single. One thing's for certain, as long as you're confident that you're not holding out for Chris Hemworth, DO NOT lower your standards. I had low standards and it has not served me well. My issue is that I know I need to remain single for a while and work on the fact that I fundamentally don't like or respect myself.

Mr Right will come along when he does, you can't force these things. Do you socialise?

hi thanks for your post. I do socialise and go on dates but I do also like my home comforts so wouldn't go out for a night out for instance.

found it hard recently as my family (parents, sibling and finance) have stared going on family holidays without me. nothing major, just long weekends, but I can never afford it so I am often left out. this has felt really shit. they are aware of how I feel but simply tell me that I should find someone, which doesn't help and makes me feel more alone.

I feel like everything ihave achieved is meaningless. if I had just got married young or settled down like my sibling, my life would have been a whole lot easier. instead I work 45 hour weeks and have nobody to share the diffciult things with. on top of that, my family don't get it.

they have a photo of me, y sibling, her other half and my ex from 6 years ago on display. he cheated on me and I asled them repeatedly to take it down. they seem to think my love life is a bit of a joke, which perhaps it is

I feel so isolated and not worthy of being part of any family unit. then on top of that I am always alone at work events and other occasions. I feel so much pressure to hurry up and meet someone and criticised for being too picky...I don't think I am though. I date a lot and try and keep an open mind.

I felt like this really hard while at high school and uni. Its horrible and I considered many bad options.

I was lucky to come across a friend who became DW. This was during uni but I was never a big socialiser, we had common interests.

Meeting lots of people with shared interests would be something you can 'try', maybe you'll meet someone or maybe you'll make new friends.

Your family sound really unhelpful

I moved to the other side of the world! Met current partner and had a bbay after a few years. So I really wouldn't worry! Load sof time.
It sucks but at least your not responsible for anyone else's debts or washing or other crap. I've been happier on my own that in a bad relationship, so hold onto that!

Your family sound thoughtless. Take the photo down yourself! Actually this has made me think I should ask my dm to take my wedding pics down from her house. I've been separated 2 years!

My parents also did that post my divorce had him to Sunday dinner for a year post my move away, and he cheated! Take the pic down!

I'm an older divorced woman and sometimes it gets me down - particularly not having someone to share big decisions with and also go to events with. Not having someone to ask how a big event went when I get home. But I do have children to share things with - though they will be fleeing the nest soon.

One benefit I have is that I can pick who I ask for advice from a variety of good friends - this means I'm not reliant on one person for all advice but can pick according to their skills and knowledge. I am also very independent so I dont feel tied down someone else's preferences and opinions. I travel a lot on my own and sometimes its a bit lonely but at the same time i get to make my own decisions. Men my age can be very pipe and slippers which isn't me - I like to be very sociable and spend time with lots of different people.

So maybe the thing is to cultivate the friends you can have fun with or rely upon and not worry about the rest. A lot of my pals are in unsatisfying relationships so they envy my freedom. The grass is always greener.

Your family are a bit rude for not replacing the photo of you with your ex it's like they want you to be 'seen' as if you have someone.

I'm in a relationship with someone who is always borrowing money off me, I pay for everything and I'm seriously thinking of ending it. He's great in every other respect but the money thing is really getting me down. I was single for a long 8 years before I met him, why couldn't he have a job?! Sometimes you really are better off single.

Would you rather be alone or in a bad relationship?

This is what it's coming down to for me lately - no man in my past was really the partner or man to grow old with. They and I both had massive problems and it's just as well that it didn't work out and I didn't - god forbid - have kids or settle down with any of them.

So yes, would love someone to spend a lazy bank holiday with, or potter about during the weekend. And every single one of those men fell onto someone straightaway and AFAIK is still with her

But I can afford myself a little smugness because at least I'm not compromising for them, putting up with their shit, trying to teach them to be better, loving them to make themselves feel good about themselves and coming up empty for myself, dealing with disrespect and emotionally unavailability and pushed down emotions

I'm not blaming them - I was always a willing partner - but at least in being alone the 'somebody' is me and I don't have to be devastated by a breakup in 20 years time with someone in an unhappy, stifling partnership because I couldn't bear to be alone long enough to pick someone for the right reasons

thank you for the replies. I just feel so so so alone. been crying in the toilers most of this morning. I feel left out of everything all the time. nobody understands the loneliness. I do so many activities and I am part of so many groups, so I am usually with people...but the loneliness doesn't disappear.

maybe I shuld have just settled when I was younger. at least I would have children now.

if I feel poorly theres nobody to make me soup.

Oh OP

I do know that feeling. Even though I'm happily single for going on a decade, someone to stroke your hair when you're ill can really help.

Do you have any animals? After I left my H I adopted a pair of cats and it really helped just every night knowing I was coming home to other living beings. Also consider rodents! I now have far too many pet rats and they are SO rewarding. They are incredibly entertaining and they have such individual personalities.

How is your social circle? Your family sound like cunts. Being able to post in a WhatsApp group chat "omg i'm dying of cold, need chicken soup urgently" and have someone turn up and bring you it is a fabulous thing.

my family jusy don't get it. mum married young and sibling met her other half at uni. neither ever had a break up. I am seen as the failure here.

have a few good friends but live all over. it is hard. I would consider a pet but work long hours

Cats don't need you around much, they are so independent and if you get the right cat can be so affectionate.

A lot of your issues seem to be about money and feeling like you aren't getting a good deal. You are a financially independent woman and that means a lot. The women you are comparing yourself to have hitched themselves to a man and are entirely reliant on him. What if their relationships break down?

Hopoindown31 it's a good point. My exH was wealthy and controlling financially. I remained financially clueless and therefore escaped all that worry. I was vulnerable though and didn't really know it.

Being single now, I do feel strong that I am able to manage my finances myself, but also I worry about money so much. Even though I don't want for anything, I still have to watch every penny and it sometimes keeps me awake at night. The thought that as a single mother I could lose my job, or get ill and not be able to earn money.

I think a major part of your unhappiness is because of your financial problems. If they were cleared, you would eventually be able to go on holidays etc, and it would also lift a serious stress factor from your life.

Do you understand how you came to be in debt? Have you tried one of the free debt charities such as StepChange? Or had a look at Money Saving Expert for ideas on reducing debt?

You sound so sad and low OP that I hope you find a way out of your troubles soon, especially as your family don't seem very supportive. One bit of advice from me is to try not to compare yourself to other people who you see as more successful.

Everything is relative, your life probably looks good to them, with no children to worry about, and only yourself to please.

I hope things start to look brighter for you soon!

@user6hty oh you poor thing

I know that feels that way now, but it's just a silly thought. You could've settled but chances are you would be posting about feeling lonely now with someone who doesn't understand you

A cat is very self sufficient. Leave it food, water and a clean litter box and toys and he or she will entertain themselves and sleep for hours. Cuddling with my cat was always such a pleasure in my life

I think a major part of your unhappiness is because of your financial problems. If they were cleared, you would eventually be able to go on holidays etc, and it would also lift a serious stress factor from your life.

I agree with this. Also, OP, you seem to be assuming that your life would be financially much easier if you were in a couple, but that's only because you are comparing your situation to that of your mother and sister -- many couples both work in FT jobs and still face financial problems, or childcare eats an income, or the other partner runs up debts, or his income is heavily committed to supporting children from a previous relationship. I'm married, and we would still be in trouble if one of us lost our job.

Can you work out a plan for dealing with your debt?

I'd also be choosing who I spent time with your family sound thoughtless and unpleasant, and are really contributing to your low mood and self-esteem. I get entirely what you say about your sister and mother never having gone through a break-up both my sisters have had a string of semi-longterm relationships and are unmarried, and I have to keep pointing out to my mother, who got married at 20 or 21 to her first serious boyfriend, that this is not the rule or even the norm, and a relationship that ends is not some kind of colossal failure.

Be kind to yourself, OP, and minimise contact with people who make you feel worthless because you're single. Some of it is definitely a form of jealousy -- they look at the compromises of their own lives and feel everyone should be subjected to the same. Anyone who bangs on about how everyone should be married with children or they've somehow missed the best of life is hiding some dissatisfaction with some of their own choices...

And yes your family sound dreadful.

thanks everyone. I think it is hard because my mum sees it as a flaw in me that ive not yet settled do... whats wrong with me that I cant find someone or previous relationships have broken down. that makes me feel shit and less of a person.

It is isolating at tis age to be alone as everyone seems to have a significant other (I know that isn't strictly true!). it feels that way though as the older you get, MOST peole do have someone or do at least have children.

life feel bleak and lonely at the moment. I would do so much to share it with someone.

*settled down

Honestly alot of your family's comments sound like jealousy.
You've got a place, independence. That's brilliant.
Rellies aren't all they're cracked up to be. People only show u the good bits.
I've got a cat. She really makes my life better. 😍

Trying to live up to expectations and standards dictated by other people, such as your Mother, is doomed to failure. Because whatever you do will never be quite enough for your Mother, once you've found a boyfriend he won't be rich or good looking enough to please your Mother.
It's easy when you are 7 and win the egg & spoon race, Mum is thrilled with you. But you are grown up now, there is no need to strive to please your Mum, you can please yourself now.

So instead of fretting about all the negative messages your Mum is directing at you, try to be positive about your own life and how you live it. Perhaps develop your career through study, or learn to do something completely new like dance classes, or join a political party.

People who are enthusiastic and can talk interestingly and in an engaging manner about about their subject, will always be attractive, so you could well meet Mr Right when you least expect it!