Anyone else ok being singe but find these things hard to deal with? :(

[user6hty]

Bit of background...I'm 33 this year (soon!), single and live alone. I bought my house at 27 with no help from family. My job is good, I generally have enough money unless things go wrong. on the face of it, I shouldn't complain but...

I am starting to feel so alone and miserable...I feel like life is so difficult to get by when you are single. nobody to share the mortgage or be there when the boiler breaks down, I have 6k credit card debt which is difficult sometimes. if I lost my job I would be in difficulty. my family don't get it. mum never had to work and my sister is married and settled and lives in a huge house, earning less than a third of my income.

friends in very basic jobs go on lavish holidays or work part time. I worry when my car tax is due, despite being in a well paid profession.

thats just the money. I have nobody at all the key events, weddings, christenings etc. constantly been told I am too picky. babies are mentioned all the time...as if I am not aware of it!

if I have a rubbish day theres nobody there when I get home. if I feel poorly theres nobody to make me soup. I realise how self pitying this sounds, but today it has all just got to me.

I feel like the odd one out. I date but just haven't met the right one. maybe I never will. but the world feels so set up for couples and I feel so alone today. even booking holidays alone is expensive compared with going as a couple.

You sound depressed. If you are finding your negative feelings are impacting your life get help. I don’t mean pills, but talk to someone - friend, priest, whatever. You have to own your life not look to your family for approval. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 39. I spent years on my own (as I have now as I was widowed at 47). I was never depressed about it though. Seems to me you are more than just feeling a bit blue. You should consider professional help.

I think it is hard because my mum sees it as a flaw in me that ive not yet settled do... whats wrong with me that I cant find someone or previous relationships have broken down. that makes me feel shit and less of a person.

That's you internalising your mother's unpleasant ideas, though. She's wrong, like my own well-meaning mother is wrong, because she's from (my mother) a generation and background, where you marry the first 'decent' man who comes along and 'settle down'; she just doesn't get, despite me explaining very carefully, that a relationship that ends isn't necessarily some kind of catastrophe -- this was when my younger sister's relationship ended by mutual agreement (too outing to explain circumstances, but it was always going to end, and both of them had made peace with that, and remained friends), and my mother took it very much to heart.

If it's the slightest consolation, my mother would not so secretly swap her own children (whose romantic lives are unconventional and 'unsettled', and who have produced only one child between them -- I'm married and the mother of that child, but didn't have the white wedding etc and should have had several more children, and not work) for her nephews and nieces (who all settled down early, had white weddings, bought houses down the road from their parents and had large families). In fact, the children she has are far more interesting than the ones she wants to have, but you can't convince her that white weddings and settled lives aren't the 'real' way to do things.

She's still wrong, though.

Turn this round OP... You own your own house, you work hard, you don't rely on any man to support you. You should be proud, I know that's hard to see when you're feeling lonely.
I second a cat, they are independent but also comforting to come home to (not so much the 'gifts' they bring in 😂)
With your finances, have you looked at maybe a consolidation loan or remortgage to pay off the debts. Or Stepchange are brilliant.
Or how about advertising a spare room? It would help with the bills and loneliness. You could end up making a good friend through it.
Your mum sounds hard work, I think their generation doesn't really get the way things are done today. Tell her you're waiting for your perfect Prince Charming and won't settle for anything less!
People do suggest evening classes / volunteering / clubs etc to meet mew people, I've never really been confident enough to do anything like that!

Would you consider a lodger? Maybe someone around your own age. This would help with the finances and mean you generally have someone around so you are not so lonely. They may bring a new friendship group with them too.

I have a huge phobia about being single, which has lead me into terrible relationships with abusive men. Please take it from me - value yourself, never ever settle.

I’m 35, never really had a relationship with someone who truly wanted me and yes, I identify with every word you wrote.

I am terribly lonely despite having lots of friends and hobbies and a busy life and career. I always wanted marriage and kids but no one “chose” me. I’m too scared to internet date. Sexually I’m pretty inexperienced and haven’t done anything other than kiss for many many years despite missing and craving sex every day.

I think I’ve wrote myself off. It is hard doing every single thing in life alone. I wanted kids too so I’m dealing with the loss of that.

I hate that feeling of saying goodbye on a night out and seeing all my friends grab their man’s hand and go off home in a couple while I go home to an empty house and empty bed and no one to talk to about my night. It’s really wearing me down and making me feel quite down. I cry most days. I wish I just had someone to hold me now and again and tell me they are proud of me when I’ve done well at something. I’ve also got a lot of love to give and as much as I volunteer etc, it feels like I’m a bit wasted being alone. I know in my heart I would have been a lovely wife/ girlfriend if someone would have only given me the chance.

I don’t know what the answers are. All I can say is you aren’t alone in your thoughts and feelings and I really hope things improve for you.

I could have written your post I am a similar age and long term single, I think up until 30 I felt relatively ok with it but last couple of years feeling increasingly fed up and lonely. All my friends have settled down and pressure of biological clock increasing every year.

I think most people just don't understand or really think about what it's like being on your own. Yes it's better than being in a bad relationship but the pressure of being solely responsible for everything and loneliness of coming home to an empty house everyday and having no-one to give you a hug after a bad day or whatever.

I find weekends hard sometimes and had a massive low point a couple of months ago when I cried in Sainsburys because I was ill and feeling sorry for myself that i'd had to drag myself out for supplies and didn't have anyone to look after me. Also panic sometimes that this will be my life forever now and worry what will I do when i'm old....

Sorry to hijack thread, don't want to make you feel worse just wanted to say I understand and you're not alone feeling like this.

Op I can relate , I’m single and it can feel like your just doing everything by yourself but I have a cat who I adore and a six year old . My ex is a full on prick who doesn’t have much to do with us (I’m very thankful for this as he was difficult and not a positive influence ) .

Have you thought about going on a singles holiday where they group you all together , get what you’re saying about your debt but maybe book it way in advance so you have plenty of time to pay and plan.

Also have you thought about having a child by yourself ? That would take the pressure off finding a man etc (most of them are shit anyways and everyone I know who’s in relationship is unhappy ) and you don’t have a dickhead trying to play kind games about access rights . You can start planning for this now and saving up , being a mother is the best thing that happened to me and even though my LO can’t make me soup if im I’ll , nurturing someone is healing in itself .

You have lots of things going for you op, nothing lasts forever including sad feelings , you have the world at your feet 👣 x

@coppahagg I do understand, I'm currently single and had my fair share of time not involved with anyone!

@user6hty can completely see where you are coming from I live alone and I am 29 I also
Bought my own property at 27 I was living with my friend but she got married to someone she met very quickly and moving home wasn’t an option as my parents live around 1.5 hours from me.

Most of my friends have children under 2 and are in rships but let me tell you only one of them is in a stable Rship the rest are in awful situations and I’d rather be alone than deal with that.

I too get sad sometimes coming home from work alone cooking alone etc waking up going to bed alone.. however like you I am actually around ppl a lot I have close friends at work and friends who live within walking distance who I see regularly I do however wish my family were closer.

I’ve recently came out of a bad Rship
And I stayed with him far to long out of fear of being alone He didn’t live with me but was here at least a few nights a week sometimes every night. But I felt more alone then then I do now as he didn’t treat me as he should.. we haven’t spoken in several weeks and although I miss him I do feel better.

It’s sad your family don’t seem to support you.. and I can see why this would make you feel even more alone.

I had a bit of a break down on Sunday about being alone and had a rant to my friend about how I hated Living alone and I had a cry but really being alone is so much better than being in a bad Rship or settling like I did for the last two years.. my friends tell me they envy my life and wish they could start all over again and make different choices.

I am confident I will meet someone who deserves to share my life with me and I’m sure you will too

I’m early 30’s and just come out of a relationship. I remember feeling this way before I met my ex. All my friends where settling down, my sisters had settled down, had DC.

I was on my own, but I managed to buy a house and have a good career. But the thought of going to family events alone, holidays, just generally coming home from work to have no conversation, depressed me. I tried to find that happiness in myself, but I just wanted a best friend, someone to share things with.

I’ve just come out of a my relationship, and whilst he’s a cheating, lying, prick... and I am so much better off without him. The thought of doing all that again alone scares me. Even more so, because in the last few years, I think everyone of my friends has had a DC or got married. So I don’t even have anyone to live the single life with.

Just wanted to say... your not alone. As much as I hate it, we are probably better off alone than with the wrong person.

33 is still quite young!! You will still meet someone. Hold out for someone good. I met my husband when I was 32. prior to him I was dating lame men- so lame- ugh- and thankfully I never settled with anyone- and also prior to meeting my husband I was single for many years, and lonely. When I finally met him he is amazing-- we have been together 14 years now- one child, he is an amazing dad and husband. But life did not give him to me any earlier than age 32! Keep holding out- hold your vision of a partner you want- and keep open to it, and hopefully he will come along! Sorry you are lonely- I was lonely for years before meeting my husband. Now I am not lonely but I do have other issues ( health stuff) it seems there is always something. hopefully my health issues will resolve soon and your loneliness will resolve soon.

Leave it food, water and a clean litter box and toys and he or she will entertain themselves and sleep for hours.

And be a complete bitch to you, dont forget that. (JK, I love my bitch face cat)

A cat is very self sufficient. Leave it food, water and a clean litter box and toys and he or she will entertain themselves and sleep for hours. Cuddling with my cat was always such a pleasure in my life

Cat sleeping for hours? My cat never got that memo.

I too think fixing your debt problem would help a lot. If you didn't have debt, you'd have more money to spend for holidays or on treating yourself to stuff, which in turn might make you happy.

Can you cut spending in some areas to save money to pay off that debt? Or maybe work some extra hours? Ask for a raise? Sell stuff online?

Your mum knows the ex in the photo cheated on you, right? That's not your fault, it's his. Tell your mum to tone it down a bit that she is not helping. And ya, I agree that maybe they are jealous because you are self-confident and self-reliant. It does sound rather like you have self-confidence based on what you've said here, so don't be too hard on yourself. Even the strongest of us have down days.

@EleanorOalike awww. You sound sweet.

I haven't got any advice op because it sounds like you're doing all the 'right' things - socialising, dating, travelling, keeping up with friends - but just wanted you to know that you're far from alone and there are lots of us out there.

It sounds like you've achieved a lot and refused to settle for a mediocre relationship - your family should be proud, including you in trips and taking the bloody photo down!

If they were more supportive, being single wouldn't feel so lonely. I honestly cannot fathom making my daughter or sister feel worse. Have you really laid it out for them, as you have here? If not, try that. If so, distance yourself from the inconsiderate fuckers.

For posters asking how a cat sleeps for hours, mine was just that lazy (and lovely!)

His afternoon nap was non negotiable :)

It's also good to have some perspective when it seems that everyone else is getting married and having kids and having a great time.

You're not in their relationships so you don't know their dynamics, compromises etc. If reading MN has shown me anything it is how many women are having problems with their partners but feel too scared to contemplate any alternative

And it all happens in waves. In ten years or so you will see couples divorcing and breaking up, most likely. Relationships don't stay static at the honeymoon period

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. Use this time to work out exactly who you are and what you want from a man and a relationship.

Your family, particularly your mother's attitudes, and your debt level is not helping you any either.

Do contact Stepchange re your debt; it cannot remain as a millstone around your neck. Also read "Get out of debt" by Alvin Hall.

I hope things going forward improve for you.

and I don't have to be devastated by a breakup in 20 years time with someone in an unhappy, stifling partnership because I couldn't bear to be alone long enough to pick someone for the right reasons

... this fromasleepalldayis so true. I am 15 months separated after a 21 year marriage which was truly crap for the last 10 years and only mediocre before that. All because at 28 I felt like you do now OP, so I married someone I shouldn't have (grumpy, entitled, cocklodger) then I was trapped with finances and childcare.

So only now am I single... and a lot older than you with teenage kids so not an attractive proposition (too scared to internet date and all the people I know are are women, married or gay!) He on the other hand went straight into a new relationship and has complete freedom ... pays no maintenance, rarely sees kids etc.

I don't feel lonely right now as DD lives with me and DS often home from college, and the house is a happier, more chilled place where visitors are always welcome and nobody is constantly criticising, but I am scared of when DD leaves for university in a few years. I have no family apart from the kids and although I have a good job and plenty of friends all the comments about coming home alone, nobody there when you are ill etc all hit home. But all I did in getting married to the wrong person was put off the inevitable for years (and have a crap marriage in between and the potential of him fleecing me in the divorce).

I guess my point is that I wish I had held out for someone better in the first place, and I hope you do too OP. You are still so young. And bollocks to your family, they sound very unsupportive. You are incredible having your own home and career and they should be very proud of you. I would be if you were my daughter.

@Ndotto you sound really brave and like you confronted a lot of difficult things in your divorce. Your kids are lucky to have you & the home you have now created. Online dating is terrifying but can be a good way to put yourself out there - with all of your newfound knowledge and understanding of yourself, I'm sure that you will make better choices in men & I hope you one day meet someone lovely

None of what people have said here is easy - it IS hard. And the older you get, the more obvious it feels to be alone and missing something. Wouldn't we all like someone who drops everything to bring over soup and give you a hug and so on

But it's harder in my experience to be with someone for the wrong reasons. It always comes crashing down. Those exes skipping off into the sunset aren't actually doing that - they'll be doing the same old. All they have changed are their pants and the woman. The unhappiness will always resurface. It's good to keep that in mind

That's true Asleep. My ex was fixed up with someone by his dreadful sister (hated me, at least partly vengeance on her part) and inherited a flat at about the time he walked out (coincidence, much?) so his passage through life unhindered by personal responsibility is continuing into old age I believe so far their relationship is going well but I know him and the grumpiness and jealousy will resurface unless she is a real pushover. However the happier he is right now, the more reasonable he will be with me so I'm fine with it. But so much harder for me to meet someone with long working hours, bills to pay, moody teenager to tend to .

I think a lot of the issues spoken about on here ... weekends and bank holidays alone, going home to an empty house and the TV etc, are very much to do with the culture in the UK which is set up around the nuclear family. I am seriously thinking of going overseas in some sort of communal volunteering capacity when the kids have both gone and I can afford to stop work. Now my horizons are not limited to watching a grumpy man shout at the football on TV, there are other options out there. Even if I'm seen as the batty old hippie lady! Seems impossible to organise right now (can barely keep on top of day to day life and am frequently stressed) but one day....

Thinking about your financial worries; do you have a spare room that you could let out, maybe just short term to a student?

The company might be nice and you could use the extra money to clear your debts.

You're not in their relationships so you don't know their dynamics, compromises etc. If reading MN has shown me anything it is how many women are having problems with their partners but feel too scared to contemplate any alternative

So true. In my experience even my "happily married" friends are pretty unhappy with certain aspects of their relationships. Great relationships are wonderful, but they are much rarer than a lot of people would have you believe!

I sympathize greatly OP. I am almost 38 and single, and I have been through a lot of the same feelings. I would advise - great friends, cats, "finding your tribe", appreciating what you have, and thinking about having a kid on your own! Oh and expanding your single friends network!

I got married when I was 36 to an abusive twat, probably partly because of such pressure/longings, who I ran from two months later, realizing that as much as I wanted the marriage and the family etc it really wasn't worth that! Now when I look back what I take from my wedding day is all the wonderful friends and family I have, how I have more love than many people who are in relationships. You have to take certain measures - seek out single friends (and single women really are the coolest most interesting group of people I find) and be proactive about holidays that will work for you etc, but that will improve things immeasurably.

Now I'm pregnant on my own and yes scared about being a single mum but god it's great to be able to crash out in my pjs eating cake and leave the bloody washing up because I'm so knackered and not have to worry about what an OH thinks! And I can't wait to be a mum, and one day I may meet the right guy without my body clock rushing me.

for you, and I really hope you find a way to seeing all the good things about your situation and finding your happiness.

Aw leomama congrats on your pregnancy. You sound brave and positive and bet you will be a great mum.. and yes, not having a knob moaning about the washing up is the best

Your family sound awful. Why do they not go on more local holidays so you can afford it? Sounds like they add alot of negativity to your life. Can't you downsize? You will meet someone soon, I am sure. What's wrong with all the people you meet at the mo? Just making convo, not implying you are doing something wrong! You know though, your problems could be alot worse.... can you try and focus on the positives of the life you have successfully built for yourself ???