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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've ended an intense fling but we still have to see each other every day!

76 replies

fordfocused · 28/04/2019 18:49

So I had a brief fling with a man at work, it lasted about a month. It transpired that he was married with a baby and although he liked me, I was just his bit on the side basically!

I had actually started to get feelings for him, so for this reason I made the decision to stop our situation on Friday. He told me that he was really gutted but understood and said it was the right decision.

The problem is we work in the same office together. And our desks are pretty close. I have to walk past him to go out the room and can hear his voice when he is talking etc. I feel pretty upset about the whole situation at the moment and although things ended friendly, I'm not sure how I will cope seeing him everyday!

Does anyone have any advice? Should I blank him? We're both in professional roles so neither of will be leaving our jobs! It's going to be hard :(

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 28/04/2019 21:32

Disgusting.

Just think about the fact that he was happy to cheat on his wife with whom he has a baby. That should make you think of him in a different light.

FookMeFookYou · 28/04/2019 21:34

It takes two to tango OP, yes he's an absolute shit but so are you for going ahead when 1) you suspected before anything of note happened and 2) you didn't need it as soon as you definitely found out.

Based on the screen shot of your previous post, low self-esteem seems to be adding to the fact you're willing to get into these situations because you think no one decent will have you.

Don't try and justify your behaviour. Imagine if you were the wife. Seriously don't fuck with married men no matter what lies they spin

FookMeFookYou · 28/04/2019 21:35

*didn't end it

AliceRR · 28/04/2019 21:37

In relation to your actual question, just pretend. As someone else said, be polite and friendly but don’t seek him out. Yes his marriage is his responsibility but it’s a bit shitty to seek him out when he’s married with a child. If you find it hard to be around it, just hide it, and go about your day. I don’t think there is another option other than to leave your workplace

Madamedeluxe · 28/04/2019 21:39

If you were willing to shag him when you suspected he was married I have no doubt you will be willing to carry on shagging him now you know.

scarecrowhead · 28/04/2019 21:39

Did you know about the wife and child when you wrote the previous post ?

12pinkchairs · 28/04/2019 21:40

I am confused because you had a month long intense fling but 9 days ago you hadn't slept with him.

AliceRR · 28/04/2019 21:41

I am confused because you had a month long intense fling but 9 days ago you hadn't slept with him

I’m assuming OP is including in the period of the fling the time before they slept together as they saw each other and kissed etc

youaremyrain · 28/04/2019 21:42

A "fling" of a month means staging for a month.

Where did you shag him? Presumably not his family home with pictures of his wife and child on the wall?

Why did you end it? Because you got feelings or because he was married?

youaremyrain · 28/04/2019 21:42

Shagging not staging

thebigwoman · 28/04/2019 22:00

@fordfocused I said Wow because you said 'only a month long fling' like it was nothing. A month is a long time to the wife on the receiving side of the husband having an affair. Don't trivialise it.

StillNotMe · 28/04/2019 22:25

OP, I don't understand why you're getting such harsh comments on here. It is irrelevant whether you knew or not, you did not cheat - he did. I'm sure he had the option to say 'no'.
As with your original question - just avoid him. If the teams don't mix it should be easy. If all fails, look for another job.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 28/04/2019 22:27

As someone who was continually cheated on, whilst looking after 2 babies OP, you are a liar and a terrible human being. You deserve to feel far worse than you will.

FuriousVexation · 28/04/2019 22:31

Uggggggh who gives a shit?

youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 22:40

@StillNotMe OP, I don't understand why you're getting such harsh comments on here. It is irrelevant whether you knew or not, you did not cheat - he did. I'm sure he had the option to say 'no

She entered into a workplace relationship with a married man and now giving it "how do I deal with it now it's over" she should've thought about it before it started.

TheBulb · 28/04/2019 22:44

You say it ended ‘friendlily’. Why aren’t you furious that he withheld the fact that he was married with a child?

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2019 23:22

StillNotMe it is relevant. Goes to what kind of person the OP is.

SweetMarmalade · 29/04/2019 00:24

I’m sure his wife would be even more upset about this month long fling.

You’re both 50/50 to blame for this, you knew he was married.

You’ll now both have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

MumsyJ · 29/04/2019 00:59

OP, just be professional as it'll be pointless blanking him. Good on you to have ended it after finding out his marital status.

Engage your mind with other things and his phase will pass. Don't be hard on yourself, some people are very good at being very opaque with their relationships. Never ignore your gut instinct next time.

HappyLife21 · 29/04/2019 01:36

OPs not done anything wrong in my opinion. If you’re single you’re a free agent. People who are married are the people responsible for cheating, not the affair partner.

Not that I think cheating is a good thing, and it’s not something I do personally.

But the relationships board has a lot of people who come here because they want to talk through the fact they they have been cheated on, or suspect it.

So people who admit to such things get treated disproportionately badly.

FuriousVexation · 29/04/2019 04:01

I feel pretty upset about the whole situation at the moment and although things ended friendly, I'm not sure how I will cope seeing him everyday!

Pretty sure his wife will be finding it harder Hmm

(Apols if I'm repeating something someone said on page 1)

FuriousVexation · 29/04/2019 04:05

@HappyLife21
But the relationships board has a lot of people who come here because they want to talk through the fact they they have been cheated on, or suspect it....So people who admit to such things get treated disproportionately badly.

Interesting! That hadn't occurred to me before but you're right, MN is a very nuanced place in terms of a lot of sex-related things.

He had a drunken snog at his works Xmas party
Most of humanity: Eh, it happens, make him take you out for posh food then forget it
MN: OMG LTB he will never be faithful, he hates you, get your ducks in a row, lawyer up, don't let him have contact with your children....

Honeybee85 · 29/04/2019 04:15

Try to avoid him if you can.
Not too obvious because the rest of the team might notice and you don’t want to jeopardize your career over this man.

Good luck and know these feelings will fade but it needs time and distance!

Iflyaway · 29/04/2019 04:26

No idea how a married man with a baby Shock could have a month-long fling to be honest...

Were you out to lunch when the congratulations were expressed in the office OP?
Or maybe he never mentioned it? Hmm

Whatever, he's a creep and you need to look for a new job and a head wobble.

Whichwayfoward · 29/04/2019 05:55

Your self-esteem must be low op. I remember after a split feeling really low and a man I was on a course with professed love etc etc. He told me he had even told his brother he'd never met someone like me and didn't know what to do. He was married with two kids. Why would I accept that?

Why did you accept this crap?

I am thinking you don't get a lot of attention and are self conscious about your body.

Work on your self esteem and don't settle for any guy that shows you some attention.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

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