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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

328 replies

CyclingMumKingston · 28/04/2019 15:38

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SnapesGreasyHair · 02/05/2019 07:02

Oh OP, this is making horrific reading let alone actually experiencing it.

Please please go through with your solicitor appointment and find out where you stand.

You may be in a better position financially then you think as I'm sure any money/property pre-marriage is still classed as yours.

billybagpuss · 02/05/2019 07:27

This is absolutely appalling, and if he decides to strop off, honestly put the chain across.

stay strong

billybagpuss · 02/05/2019 07:55

I used to blow up every now and then as people left me to do everything. They’d all innocently say you only have to ask. But whenever I did ask I got the same reaction as you, one day I called DH out on it along the lines of ‘you say I only have to ask but when I do you do this’ he brushed it aside at the time, but stopped doing it. You are putting up with so much more, good luck with the solicitor and stay quiet for a while until you know where all your ducks are.

Happynow001 · 02/05/2019 08:20

@billybagpuss
I used to blow up every now and then as people left me to do everything. They’d all innocently say you only have to ask.
I've had this in the past and it's always annoyed me. Why should you have to ASK?! Why should one person be responsible for everything and everyone? How can an adult not SEE what needs to be done? Empty bins. Clean kitchen/bathroom, buy groceries and cook meals, do laundry, ironing etc. These things don't get done on their own.

billybagpuss · 02/05/2019 08:22

And @happynow don’t get me started on the ‘I did the washing up for you’ no you didn’t bloody well do it ‘for me’ I don’t own the washing up

Meandwinealone · 02/05/2019 08:32

I would be very unsurprised that if you spoke to people close to you in confidence they probably deep down don’t really like him and think there is something off about him.

As others have said. Grey rock for now.

Don’t give him a clue you are planning on seeing a solicitor

Get proper advice about the business etc.

Don’t rise to anything. If he does the not kissing you goodnight thing again. Ignore it.
Nothing will be gained from reacting now.

This is over. I think you realise it’s over, but it may take time to get out, and if he decides to be nice you may well give it another shot (on average it takes 7 times for someone to leave an abusive relationship)

Keep a coded online diary. This man will use everything against you that he can. He’s actually a very scary individual and you talking about him actually gives me chills.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2019 08:46

"I just emailed a family mediator."

And what did you ask this person?. Honestly Kingston you would be far better off now talking to the likes of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

Do NOT embark family mediation with this abusive man; such is NEVER recommended at all when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Apart from it not working you are not emotionally safe to do mediation with your abuser. You will co-operate with the process whilst he will not. He feels entitled to act like he does and if you were to look at his parents too, you will likely find that same sort of behaviour too. Like practically all abusers as well it is a given that he will make the process of you actually separating from him as protracted and difficult as possible as a punishment to you for you having the utter cheek to leave him, whom he himself regards as a perfect specimen. You are also bit part players with him being at the centre of his own universe.

What you have written recently about your H's behaviour re the kids and the dog is indeed frightening.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2019 08:54

Your mother also taught you some really crap lessons about relationships as well. She cannot be at all relied on going forward either.

DishingOutDone · 02/05/2019 08:59

OP I can hardly point the finger of WTAF as I have failed miserably to get my children away from a toxic situation but bloody hell - you e-mailed a family mediator? Sad

Butterymuffin · 02/05/2019 09:40

if i had to divorce, he would go to great lengths to alienate the kids from me

I think you're right that he would want to do this, but in your favour is the fact that he's too lazy and self-centred to spend his time looking after the kids. Never mind a mediator, find a shit hot lawyer and get them to advise you. He'll shaft you financially as much as he can in a split, but a good solicitor will be able to deal with that, and it would still be worth it to get away from someone so twisted.

Jackfruit · 02/05/2019 09:44

I don’t think you should go to mediation with an emotionally abusive person.

user1494670108 · 02/05/2019 11:04

I don't think he would be able to turn your kids against you as his care and interest in them would be minimal. In addition to which parental alienation is now a thing (an offence maybe) that is recognised and dealt with by the courts.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 02/05/2019 11:14

Abusers like him will use mediation/counselling as another way to beat you with (metaphorically speaking).

What you have written is not unreasonable in your requests, he is trying to manoeuvre a situation where he sulks (over some perceived slight) and you walk on egg shells trying to make him happy again. This is toxic and he’s already started To do this with his children and your pet.

He is awful and the things he has said are disturbing. Has this behaviour slowly started to escalate since being pregnant with your DC2?

Can you go away for a few days to get some breathing space?

Personally, I would be getting my ducks in a row and telling him to leave.

lunicorn · 02/05/2019 16:56

Do not do mediation with him.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 02/05/2019 17:36

Do not engage in mediation with him.

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 02/05/2019 19:53

Thank you! Big update
So the mediator said this is early stages and he thinks i m better off talking to a solicitor to see how i stand financially

This morning DH took a day off and organized a day out in the nature with us.
While in the car (the kids were asleep) he looked at me with tears in his eyes and apologised.
I asked what exactly was he apologising for.
He said we talk later as i dont want to argue.
Ok. So we proceeded having a lovely day by a lake, walk, coffee, playground with kids, the picture perfect family day.

Then i asked again of we can talk and he said "not today, maybe tomorrow or the weekend as we will end up arguing".
I said we need to discuss so he agreed to ten minutes tonight at 9pm
He also said he was very stressed recently (fair enough, i know he had a couple of deadlines and a 40k bill with HMRC).

To previous posters asking if he might be having an affair and that s why he is so disengaged at home and also why potentially he is asking to be able to race on Wednesdays:
He raced this bike race with his cycling mates every year before having kids.

DH is 14 years older than me and quite possessive. He often comments that i look great and he is super sensitive if people mention our age gap (i.e. a young boy once asked me if he was my father and DH went purple). He is also quite introverted. He has not many occasions to meet women through work and he always cycles with the same guys.
I wouldnt think that he has another woman or that he is not interested in me but rather that he feels insecure about me and he feels threatened by how independent i am (or strive to be)

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/05/2019 19:58

I'm glad the atmosphere has changed OP but I do hope this perfect family day included him pulling his weight in looking after the kids. That must be done from now on. Don't let it slide to 'I'll help you more after this deadline'. If he's really sorry, it changes from today, or you review the whole relationship.

Quartz2208 · 02/05/2019 19:59

OH OP there are so many red flags dotted about in what you say about the relationship

violetbunny · 02/05/2019 20:05

OP, he is highly controlling from what you say about him. Please, please read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 02/05/2019 20:21

@violetbunny thanks! I m just reading that very book. It s an eye opener

Just thinking about how to approach the discussion tonight
DH did the bed routine and changed a dirty nappy but i dont believe he will change his angry way of going about.
I think it s really ingrained in his upbringing.
His DM once didn't speak to him for 3 months when he was a teenager for being home late.
In general he doesn't discuss issues. He gets quickly angry to boiling point (i dont get a word in) and leaves the house or it's cold shoulder and no eye contact for days.

This is the most frustrating thing. The emotional wall

OP posts:
springydaff · 02/05/2019 20:40

My exH had a truly appalling childhood. How I wept for that poor little boy.

But I wasn't there and didn't condone it - or, in fact, do it to him. You would have thought it was my fault the way he carried on.

A bad childhood is no excuse for abuse.

Quartz2208 · 02/05/2019 20:41

He is being angry and shouty to your children OP what is that teaching them. How long before they walk on eggshells to keep him happy

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 02/05/2019 20:44

Thanks for the advice, yes I m keeping a coded journal since March (when he said to DC1 "your mother is a bitch" as that scared the hell out of me)
It is so easy to forget all the hurtful moments as soon as there is a small turn in the atmosphere at home because you always want to hope that DH changes and sees sense.
It s so confusing that the same person can be repeatedly mean and humiliating but then he has a good day where he shows you only his good sides

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/05/2019 20:47

That’s what abusive people do
Tears when they think they are losing grip of you

BillyGoatGruff007 · 02/05/2019 21:00

He doesn’t have any good sides; he really doesn’t.
What he has is the ability to mask the bad for a very short time while he reels you back in.
Once you’ve become the dutiful little woman again he will revert to type.