Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

[CyclingMumKingston]

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

He really, really sounds awful... he’s mean to you, the child, the dog... you have a good job and financial assets - I’d really be looking at my options.

So you own half the business that he pays himself from? So he can’t hide cash in the business because you’d know? Interesting.

Use your time off on mat leave and investigate a good solicitor. I’m not usually one of the ‘ltb’ brigade, but there is no way you should be emotionally traipsing after this abusive bell end to what, get him to acknowledge you? Care for his animal? Acknowledge his child?

You sound pretty with it tbh. Start mulling your options. Even doing that inside your head will make you feel more in control.

In fact I bet he’d notice and be all ‘oh HAI, what me ignoring you, soz, my mistake’.

Not too much to think about. He has no redeeming features.

See a solicitor asap.

Leave the fucker he is abusive to everyone human and animal

Wow, what a nasty bastard. I'd be seeing a solicitor ASAP and getting legal advice. He won't change. He's abusive and vile. Even to your dog and ds, who presumably have done nothing to 'offend' him.

Googling local solicitors now

Had a lovely day till i hear the key in the door, which fills me with dread

Toddler was still unsettled this evening so husband conveniently the kitchen and let me to it (after asking me if he can join a bike race every Wednesday evening from 4pm till 9pm till August!)

While i was with DC1, baby became hungry and tearful.
DH was ignoring us so i called him to ask to put DC1 to bed

He grunted and gave me an evil look.
When i finished breastfeeding, DC1 was asleep.

DH always always brings DC1 to come and kiss me goodnight if i am breastfeeding but not tonight.
DH said he "forgot" to bring DC1 to kiss me

When i asked "what do you mean you forgot? You know how important it is to me to kiss DC goodnight"
DH proceeded to scream at me that i m vile and undeserving
Wow. Speechless.
He is now sending abusive messages on my phone from the living room but i can't bring myself up to look as it will make me angry and i dont want to have an heated conversation.
This has happened in the past and it has always escalated with DH leaving the house and coming back really late (2am) and me being sick with worry.

I am so tempted to say that if i am so vile, he is free to leave

I'm not one to jump to say "leave" but he sounds quite frightening and abusive. No sane person would deliberately set out to hurt animals or teach someone a lesson because they were being asked to lift a finger in relation to doing anything, let alone looking after their own children or help around the house.

Definitely google solicitors. Get advice. Get things sorted before you let him know your intentions. You don't want your kids to grow up thinking that sort of warped mindset and behaviour is remotely acceptable.

Really sorry you're going through this

I NEVER say leave on these threads. But please, I beg you, get free of this man. You and your children do not deserve to be treated like this. There is the possibility for a happy future ahead of you, full of love and respect. But you need to say enough is enough to make it happen.

See a solicitor. Save the messages. He's emotionally abusive.

He is now sending abusive messages on my phone

Is he sending them from his phone to your phone?

Every update sounds worse. He's not a man you want to stay with, but I'm glad that you're not stuck as a SAHM with no income.

He's quite spiteful which is worrying. Not letting the dog out and being forceful with dressing DC1.

What redeeming qualities does he have?

So he doesn't like you and is treating you like shit. If this person was a friend, would you continue to see them and hang out with them? No.

I don't think he wants to be there and is trying to provide you into telling him to go.

*provoke

You poor thing, he sounds like a complete bastard. You shouldn’t have to put up with that crap.

If he always brings DC1 to kiss you goodnight, I'd be quiet surprised that your dc didn't ask to do that.

I wouldnt be surprised if your spiteful, cruel husband fobbed him off.

He's beyond awful. What is there to stay for?

*quite surprised

Take note that he is using the DC to get at you. Remember this when you start to feel you need to be fair/give him a chance/talk things through/etc. He is not a reasonable person.

@poppingoff DH once told my toddler "your mother is a bitch" mum bad" during an argument last March
This has literally broken my heart as i would never put the kids against him
It was terrifying
I think i couldn't believe my ears nor breathe for a minute
I realised in that moment that if i had to divorce, he would go to great lengths to alienate the kids from me
I think i see him with different eyes since that moment
Before i would have justified his behaviour as stress from work or stress from a new baby
Since then i see a revengeful side in him that is quite chilling

I just emailed a family mediator..

"Chilling" is correct.

Because what kind of human being wants a tiny child to think the one other person who makes up their entire universe is bad? Or starves a dog as way of punishing someone, anyone?!

What have you asked the family mediator?

He deserves some a few pot holes and a bad case of road rash.

Starving a fucking dog because he feels hard done by for doing more than 50% of its care. And not telling anyone he was on dog feeding strike. How long until he was planning on saying anything?

You have more to "lose" from a divorce. But thats not a bad thing. Youre married now and cant control that. Having assets to lose is better than not having any assets. Less to lose but its a lose:lose situation then. A good solicitor will make sure you get a fair share for you and the kids.

Good luck.

DH once told my toddler "your mother is a bitch" mum bad" during an argument last March

The better you, the children and the dog are out of this situation the better.

He is now sending abusive messages on my phone from the living room but i can't bring myself up to look as it will make me angry and i dont want to have an heated conversation.
When you feel stronger screenshot those messages and send them to a new email address which he knows nothing about and doesn't know the password to. You may need these and others he sends as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour. Especially if any of them relate to the children.

Had a lovely day till i hear the key in the door, which fills me with dread
That says it all.

Take care @CyclingMumKingston

This man sounds vile.... I would contact and speak to all good solicitors in your area (I believe simply having met with them prevents your husband engaging them) you should start getting your act together.

From what you have written (ie your mum is a bitch etc.) this will get worse before it gets better and you’ll need to fight fire with fire unfortunately.

It's time to protect your DC, the damage this abusive man is doing to them and you is horrendous. You have some really useful evidence with the abusive text messages he had sent. Speak to a solicitor but also consider self referring to Child Services. You and your DC deserve better.

Op please focus on yourself, your children and your dog, and close yourself off from that horrible man. He is 100% a waste of space. He is deliberately abusing you, the DC and the dog in order to control you. Please also look into programs like the Freedom Program, it can help you see the abuse more clearly and how to deal with it.

For now, while you are stuck, get super calm and remote, and do not allow anything he does to get a reaction from you. Part of his control is about getting a reaction from you, whether it is sadness or anger. He then knows that he is making you emotional. So if you can, just always look calm and uninterested in his games, don't rise to the bait. (Think of him as a small child having a tantrum in your head).

Speaking from experience... that horrible knot you have in your gut whenever he pulls this crap will go away if you leave.

Best of luck to you
ps. you sound lovely, please please don't let him have the dog if you separate.

Note for MN's survey... my abusive ex became a serious cyclist after I left! Lovely current DH (of almost 30 years) stopped cycling (his choice) before we settled down and switched to MMA to do with the whole family.

Tell him to move out.
File for a divorce.