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Original poster

Pregnant. Father of baby is fuming and in a different country.

55 replies

AkaliSugar · 28/04/2019 01:08

Hi, have been searching the net for a place I could ask for advice. I have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years and it's great, the distance is annoying but it works and we make it work because we both love each other a lot. Up until recently, he always insisted on condoms, even if I went on the pill, saying it will get to the stage (I pref without) but until he's ready/comfortable to (he has always been very concerned about pregnancy, always telling me there is still chances with the pill and it's good for double protection) anyway, I feel this is relevant as this leads on to his "fuming" attitude. I'd say after 6 months of frequently visiting each other, he agreed to drop the condoms and I would be on the pill. Anyway, I was not feeling very well and had to go to A&E, where I had a pregnancy test and I am 6 weeks pregnant. I have genuinely been taking the pill but when I told him he automatically goes mad and starts shouting say it's obvious I had planned this because I "always pressure him to not use a condom" which isn't true, I have just expressed a preference. However, he thinks it all adds up and is odd, does it really look that odd? I was crying and he knew I obviously surely didn't want a baby right now or plan this. I would never do that anyway so now I'm really hurt that he doesn't trust me when trust has been the best between us but he thinks I am not being honest. He says he'd never tell me to not have the baby but he's mortified he can't be a proper dad for him/her and doesn't think it's fair on the baby, which is making me feel dreadful. The fact I have expressed desire to keep it makes him "even more suspicious". He has calmed down but I know he still thinks this was all a huge plan of mine which really upsets me. He lives in another European country (I'm in England) and neither of us can move right now, it really just isn't possible. His father is really sick and he is having to care for him and I don't know his countries language and I have a secure job and home here and if I'm pregnant it just isn't possible and I won't lie, I don't want to move countries, although of course I would like to be near him but when I don't know the language I think it would be impossible. I don't know what to do and I'm honestly really upset and scared.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 28/04/2019 01:59

Sounds like you want to keep this baby, so congratulations!
His reaction wasn't great, but hopefully he'll realize he's made a stupid assumption and apologize. I don't understand his reasoning. It would be unfair to the baby and he'd be mortified to be an absentee father? My dad walked out before I was born, and all I can say is Thank God my mother was "unfair" to me! If the choice was no dad or no me, I choose me. Every time. I'm thankful to be here, as are my daughters and my grandchild. No matter what my dad thought!
None of us know what the future holds, but you know what he's suggested is ridiculous. Life happens. He may come around, and he may not, but your baby, if you choose to keep it, won't think you were unfair to do so. I am incredibly proud of my mother.
Good luck and hugs! 💜

SD1978 · 28/04/2019 01:59

He had a choice not to leave the contraception up to you, he agreed to stop using condoms, so the responsibility is half his. Whether you took the pill or not, he had to know this is a possible consequence, so blaming you seems unfair.

Order654 · 28/04/2019 02:18

I can see why he would be suspicious to be honest but it’s really too late now.

Do what makes YOU happy.

FuriousVexation · 28/04/2019 02:43

If you were "allegedy" doubling up on contraception but still got caught then I'd be suspicious too.

Take him and his feelings/ego out of the picture.

What's best for YOU right now?

AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 03:30

This is not a relationship, you are FWB, I mean 5 years later and still living apart with no long term plan!

Does it really matter what he thinks? If you were both serious about each other you would not be still in a long distance relationship really. Keep the baby, the rest is his issue.

hellodarkness · 28/04/2019 04:15

Well I can see why he's upset and angry, surely anyone would be.

He was fastidious on doubling up on contraception, and you repeatedly expressed a preference for him to drop the condoms. Pretty much as soon as he did so, you're pregnant and want to keep the baby.

I know the pill isn't 100% but that is extremely bad luck. If used correctly it is 99% effective. So if 100 women use it perfectly for a whole year, one of them will get pregnant. Of course he's suspicious, you would be if the situation was reversed.

Also, on an emotional level, he is about to be a father and will not be able to have a conventional relationship with that child at the moment. I can't imagine having a child in another country that I have a long distance relationship with, and who knows whether he intended to maintain his relationship with you forever.

I'm sure you are in similar shock, but you have control over what happens next and he doesn't. I know the mn mantra is that men shouldn't have sex, and certainly not without a condom, unless they are prepared for a resulting pregnancy. And maybe that's true, but this reaction of his - shock, suspicion, anger, regret, sadness is entirely to be expected imo.

I think you must keep the baby if you want it but prepare to be a single parent, and hope that he is decent enough to be present in the child's life in some capacity.

Alicewond · 28/04/2019 04:24

Op, he didn’t want to have a child with you, he was overly cautious about it, but you admit you nagged him about condoms. Now you are pregnant after assuring him you were using a protection which is 99.9% protection against pregnancy. He’s right to feel a bit suspicious. As you are right to walk away as he didn’t want this. What do you want OP? It will never be a happy relationship with him after this?

AgentJohnson · 28/04/2019 04:46

If I was him I would be suspicious too but he shouldn’t have stopped using condoms.

pusspuss9 · 28/04/2019 05:48

It's possible that although he clearly doesn't want to be a father at this point, he may well be very upset about the fact that he can't be in this child's life.
You have put him in a very difficult situation.

There are so many cases on here where the pill 'fails' in cases where the woman wants a baby even though the man has clearly said he doesn't. Most people trust the pill to be effective so in this case I think he was obviously taking precautions in using condoms as well until you 'persuaded' him not to after assuring him that the pill would be safe.

He's in a very difficult situation.

Original poster
AkaliSugar · 28/04/2019 05:53

I have put him in a difficult situation? Right. I'm not sure how you've worked that one out, as I'm obviously in such an easy situation? Hmm you know, the one who will be pregnant and most likely a single parent. Yes, he has said he feels gutted and upset that he will have a child in the world that he barely gets to see. However, okay I did express a desire to not use condoms, I was on the pill. Not sure how I've put him in a difficult situation

OP posts:
lljkk · 28/04/2019 06:10

I agree with those who said your relationship will never be the same. It may recover, but not the same.
How far along are you now?
I would plan what to do based on whether I wanted the pregnancy. If he comes around & can be a supportive partner again, that's a bonus. I would not plan right now for a future together as a couple, though.

Starryskiesinthesky · 28/04/2019 06:17

It is easy to see why he is upset having insisted on using condoms to prevent this situation but then finally giving in to your 'preference' and then you become pregnant. If your relationship is meant to be it will work out but it sounds like he has lost his trust in you.

JenniferJareau · 28/04/2019 06:28

From an outsiders point of view it looks very convenient that you asked him to stop using condoms, which he agrees to, then you get pregnant and want to keep the baby. I'm not saying you planned this, just saying that is what it can look like from the outside so I can see where he is coming from.

You need to make plans if you want to keep the baby and factor in that you will be raising the baby as a lone parent if he is a carer abroad.

Good luck to you Flowers

Dowdydoes · 28/04/2019 06:34

He knew the pill isn’t 100% and stopped using condoms. That was his choice - he will hopefully get a grip.

AuldJosey · 28/04/2019 06:38

I'd be pissed off in his shoes too.

It's an odd set-up after 5 years anyway. More like a ship in every port scenario if I was a betting man.

So, what are you going to do about the baby? What does he want?

Mamabear12 · 28/04/2019 06:50

Its very odd that you suddenly become pregnant when he stops using condoms....are you sure you did not sabotage your pill taking? Take it at a different day...skip a pill? Either way, I can see why your bf is not happy. But, also after all this time, I would wonder why he is so scared of you getting pregnant....how old are you? If its anywhere after age 27 then I would def be concerned about the relationship all together, because after that amount a time, he should not be that crazy about avoid a baby....

SunshineCake · 28/04/2019 06:51

I am the baby in a very similar looking situation.

It's shit.

I'd rather I'd been aborted or adopted.

You'll be doing this alone and right now you need to think about what will be best for the baby before him and you and if you 100% can give a child the best chance and be two parents.

BertrandRussell · 28/04/2019 06:59

The rights and wrongs of this situation are irrelevant at this stage. You need to decide quickly. Are you willing, happy and able to raise this baby, child and teenager alone? If not, have an abortion. Sorry to be blunt, but you don’t have time to hang about.

zippey · 28/04/2019 07:04

The pill is almost 100% effective. So he does have a point. Another point is to never trust someone else to take care of contraceptives! So he only has himself to blame really.

It’s a messed up situation for both of you. Neither of you seem ready for a baby. Its Your decision to keep the baby though.

smithyssister · 28/04/2019 07:09

Be prepared for him to have a wife in his home country.

I don't know how old you are OP but I'd consider all your options here. If there are differing religions involved and you proceed with the pregnancy please get proper legal advice on his rights.

Springwalk · 28/04/2019 07:14

I would be very annoyed in his position. I am sure he wishes he had continued to use the condoms, but too late now. His choice, although pressured by you for your enjoyment.

The difficulty op is that you have the child, assuming by your post, and see your child grow up and share all those moments. You will not to spend your life thousands of miles from her/him.

He doesn't have that opportunity now. I am sure when he imagined having his first child he would imagined being there every day, and be a big part of the child's life. He has effectively been robbed of being father, but still has the financial responsibility.

I can see why he is upset.

You however have the choice to have the baby, or not. You have the choice to live and see your child grow up, or not. It does seem unfair when you consider the implications for him.

chantico · 28/04/2019 07:16

You talked him out of the level,of contraceptive protection he wanted.

A pregnancy - very unwanted from his POV - has resulted.

He knows the decision is up to you, but has clearly stated his preference is for termination.

You now need to decide what you want to do. Note that he has not expressed any desire to move to England nor has he suggested that you move.

If you wish to keep the baby, you need to get ready to be a lone parent (and remember that maintenance cannot be enforced when a parent is abroad, so this includes how you will manage to work all through)l. Start by digging out your firm's maternity pay policy, and google for local childcare options for a baby (yes, as pp noted, you also have to think if the child and the teen, but you have a little longer in which to do that - though if you need to move to a bigger place you might want tomdo that sooner rather than later)

Springwalk · 28/04/2019 07:16

Also his extreme reaction makes me think he has a wife/family or some such other arrangement already.

Pppppppp1234 · 28/04/2019 07:25

Was it a sudden thing Op as in you stopped using condoms 6 weeks ago and boom your pregnant, or was it after six months of being in your 5 year relationship?
You are both to blame, realistically if he was that bothered he should have worn a condom as we all know neither the pill nor a condom are 100 percent effective. So together at least there is that extra bit.
Sounds like it will be a make or break situation in your relationship, will he be able to get past the blame on you and realise you are both to blame? Or will that be it?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/04/2019 07:34

He was an idiot to bow to your pressure to stop using them. That was a big red flag, both on the control front and removing his protection against pregnancy.

You can't be surprised he thinks this was planned.

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