Pregnant. Father of baby is fuming and in a different country.

[AkaliSugar]

Hi, have been searching the net for a place I could ask for advice. I have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years and it's great, the distance is annoying but it works and we make it work because we both love each other a lot. Up until recently, he always insisted on condoms, even if I went on the pill, saying it will get to the stage (I pref without) but until he's ready/comfortable to (he has always been very concerned about pregnancy, always telling me there is still chances with the pill and it's good for double protection) anyway, I feel this is relevant as this leads on to his "fuming" attitude. I'd say after 6 months of frequently visiting each other, he agreed to drop the condoms and I would be on the pill. Anyway, I was not feeling very well and had to go to A&E, where I had a pregnancy test and I am 6 weeks pregnant. I have genuinely been taking the pill but when I told him he automatically goes mad and starts shouting say it's obvious I had planned this because I "always pressure him to not use a condom" which isn't true, I have just expressed a preference. However, he thinks it all adds up and is odd, does it really look that odd? I was crying and he knew I obviously surely didn't want a baby right now or plan this. I would never do that anyway so now I'm really hurt that he doesn't trust me when trust has been the best between us but he thinks I am not being honest. He says he'd never tell me to not have the baby but he's mortified he can't be a proper dad for him/her and doesn't think it's fair on the baby, which is making me feel dreadful. The fact I have expressed desire to keep it makes him "even more suspicious". He has calmed down but I know he still thinks this was all a huge plan of mine which really upsets me. He lives in another European country (I'm in England) and neither of us can move right now, it really just isn't possible. His father is really sick and he is having to care for him and I don't know his countries language and I have a secure job and home here and if I'm pregnant it just isn't possible and I won't lie, I don't want to move countries, although of course I would like to be near him but when I don't know the language I think it would be impossible. I don't know what to do and I'm honestly really upset and scared.

I would hazard a guess that he’s married with kids.

So when you went to A&E and they said is there a chance you could be pregnant, surely you said No I'm on contraception so why did they do a test ?

you cant rely on him right now- you have to decide whats right for you.
do you want to have a child?

Missed that. Is it usual to do pregnancy tests at A&E?

Obviously he will have to just go along with what you choose, so congratulations

Interestingly dh (even when he was a dp) always used condoms as a way to avoid pregnancy from his side and I used the pill anyway when I didn't want to get pregnant.

It didn't bother me, I didn't take it as a distrustful statement from him. I just knew he didn't want to get pregnant.

When we did decide to ttc we fell pregnant straight away every time! So I think we are just ultra fertile and maybe he knew this intuitively! Who knows, maybe the same was for your dp which is why he wanted to double up the contraceptives!

It’s not, and now will never be, a relationship. I get how he feels, but it takes two to tango. Do you want to bring up a child in these circumstances?

Taking the situation at face value, be that that the pill quickly failed with you and that he doesn't have another set up at home, it's shit. I can, like other posters, completely understand his upset and frustration at this having happened after he stopped using condoms to give you a nice feeling based on your reassurances that you would take the pill. But, you didn't mean for this to happen, and it's also put you in an equally frustrating situation in that you will probably be a lone parent by sound of things, and as another poster pointed out, there is no way to enforce CM payments from another country so financially, you will be worse off. I really feel for you.

Ultimately the decision is yours, I am pro choice. People can judge all they like, that's easy to do when it's not them going through it.

the op is scared- she doesnt at this stage know what to do.

why on earth are people saying 'congratulations'- would you do that in rl to someone this troubled?

helmet I almost felt discomfort at reading the congratulations comments, but I think it's just people trying to be positive for OP.

Any hospital department will carry out a pregnancy test before any other invesitgation or treatment which may have an impact on a pregnancy.

So it rather depends on what kind of symptoms took her to A&E - because no, on most visits it would not be indicated.

@springwalk
'I would be very annoyed in his position. I am sure he wishes he had continued to use the condoms, but too late now. His choice, although pressured by you for your enjoyment.

The difficulty op is that you have the child, assuming by your post, and see your child grow up and share all those moments. You will not to spend your life thousands of miles from her/him.

He doesn't have that opportunity now. I am sure when he imagined having his first child he would imagined being there every day, and be a big part of the child's life. He has effectively been robbed of being father, but still has the financial responsibility.'

This is so true. You expressed everything I wanted to say but failed to find the words

The situation isn't ideal for either of you. I can understand your worry but even in the most longed for pregnancies there are anxieties. If you love each other and have made this relationship work for five years I imagine you must have been to his country too. Have you met each others families or friends or have the five years been just weekend visits to each other? You say that you don't want to move and have a job and house here but then you say that you couldn't live there because you don't know the language... But OP you could learn and I think now that you are having a baby with him and therefore will have a tie to his country. My exh is from another country. We split when my youngest was 2. I won't say it has been easy especially letting my children fly over to see him (unaccompanied minors). It will be challenging to be a single mum because if you continue to live seperately you will be a single mum but having been one myself let me tell you though it is at times difficult it is also so rewarding. I'm proud of coping so well and my children are happy well balanced young people. However you decide to move forward, together or apart try and be positive for your baby. You can do this!

I agree with the pp. You never had a long term relationship. He has no plans to move to the uk and you don’t want to move to his country.

I would also be suspicious . Were you in A&E for something that could of affected the pill d&v?

Either way you are where you are. Would you want to bring this baby up as a Lp, adopt or abort. These are you decisions to make .

You used an unreliable form of contraception now you have to deal with the consequences. I don’t think you can blame him for being suspicious. It is fairly suspect but at the same time the failure rate is so high that it’s likely to be a mistake but it’s too late to undo. You can’t undo hisfeeling that he has been betrayed. You can’t undo your feelings of hurt at the lack trust. The only thing you have control over now is the pregnancy so focus on that. Prepare for your baby and accept that some things can’t be changed. Good luck.

“You used an unreliable form of contraception”
What, the pill? Bollocks.

@HJWT because if you are sexually active on contraception there is a chance and a test needs to be done.

@BertrandRussell it has a failure rate of 10% in comparison to failure rates closer to 1% for better forms of contraception. It’s definitely not suitable asa stand alone.

Boggles what’s your source for a failure rate of 10%? Asking as I’ve never heard anything over less than 1% quoted and as much as it’s irrelevant to the OP right now it will be important to lots of people reading.

@thislido I thought it was common knowledge. This is what I was taught at school as a teenager. NHS website says six percent-it May have changed as its reliant on users for effectiveness or the failure rate may just be higher where I grew up. The 1% failure rate is based on perfect use which is a bit of a fallacy because imperfect use can often be incidental e.g. illness of use of antibiotics rather than a result of poor use. It’s basically a lie that was told to women of an older generation to get them to use it as an only form of contraception because men don’t like condoms. No one I know who I my age uses the pill without doubling up unless they are prepared to get an abortion.

@BertrandRussell every time I've needed an Xray they've always asked, and when we were TTC they always did a urine test first.

(We were TTC over 12 years, I don't do extreme sports LOL)

Interesting Boggles. Just had a look and the bit of the NHS website I saw distinguishes between perfect, or correct, use (1%) and typical use (9%).

I have to say I never found it difficult to use correctly! It was explained and was in the instructions leaflet that it could be affected by antibiotics or being sick. I just used condoms when that happened.

WanderingTrolley1

I agree

I work in the hospital. In our hospital, every female over 12 gets tested for pregnancy when they come through a&e even if they say ‘no’ when asked if they could be pregnant. They aren’t just tested for pregnancy though, we do a urine test to rule out lots of things and pregnancy is one of them.

He was an idiot to sleep with you without a condom. Regardless of your preference - he should have told you to fuck right off over that one. Or not slept with you at all if you insisted. Sadly his bowing to your wishes has resulted in him being a father of a child he won't be able to raise. That's properly shitty and I feel for him, but it's his fault to agreeing to hvaing sex without a condom. I get you don't want a baby either and are also in a tricky position, but you were all for ditching the condoms so... And at least if you choose to keep it you will get to raise it. You have the control now.

“You used an unreliable form of contraception”
What, the pill? Bollocks

Well, clearly it's not reliable, eh? This is not news.