Heard something I wasn't supposed to...

[Willowcat77]

I moved in with my boyfriend and his DS (22) about 7 months ago. We have been a couple for nearly 3 years and are engaged. His DD (26) moved back in with her dad at the same time as me, after a few years away.

His children are lovely, outgoing and very popular. I thought we got on okay, though I often feel very awkward and the odd one out due to my ASD. I often worry I make them feel uncomfortable when I'm around and sometimes delay coming home until I know DP is back.

Anyway, yesterday evening I got back home. Only his DD was in, doing some cooking. We talked a bit, I was trying to be pleasant etc because it feels rude to go past without saying anything.

The conversation finished and I left the room, as I left I then heard her say quietly, "Fuck off, you're stressing me out"

I don't think she knows I heard but now I feel very upset. I told DP but he thinks I might have misheard or maybe it wasn't directed at me. But it must have been aimed at me because nobody else was there! I don't know whether to ask her or whether that would make things worse, what do you think? I already feel like an outsider here and this seems to confirm it.

Poor you that doesn't sound nice.

I think tbh i would have to have a chat with her, just be upfront and say i heard you say xyz, is there a problem?

I find cooking extremely stressful. Pretty much guarantee I've used those exact words, directed at burning food, saucepan boiling over etc. Albeit i do it quite loudly, but maybe she didn't want you to her swearing at food like a nutter?

Did she have her phone with her? I have been known to speak out loud to a text message.

Well, it's difficult moving back home (under what circumstances did she end up moving back in?) and having to share their family home(?) with your father's partner.

I don't think it means she doesn't like you or that you don't get on as such, it just might be tough-going living together.

Do his adult dc have plans to move out?
Why did you move into his place and not a new place you chose together?

I don't know, I don't remember her having her phone, but I suppose it might have been that... Since it happened I have been trying to act normal and nothing seems amiss except I now feel more awkward and outsidery than ever.

Has she been acting normally to you since then?

I have step dds and if I heard that I'd let it go, blended families are awkward sometimes and like pp said she might be stressed with the reasons behind her moving back in.

@Category12 I'm hoping we will buy a house together, but I have to sell my house first which might be a while because ex is still living there! Also I don't think DP is keen to sell up cos he likes his house, but I would like a fresh start. Maybe I would feel more like I belonged if I was co-owner?

I agree with @thingsdogetbetter - I always swear at pans / spitting oil etc when I'm cooking so it's probably that!

Aw OP she could have read a text or anything!

I absolutely would talk to my phone / inanimate objects like this. I suspect that's what happened, honestly.

I wouldn't buy somewhere with him if there was a chance his children would live with you - that would apply no matter what they're like, given their ages. You will pay half and end up with 1/4 of the space and feel like it's not your home.

If she said it out loud (rather than just thinking it) she knew there was a high chance you would hear. That's really horrible behaviour.

Where did you live before, OP? Could you live separately until his children have left home? God knows when that would be, though.

It sounds more like something you would say to an inanimate object - I really wouldn’t assume it was directed at you!

Also, I can totally see that it's strange for her to have another woman living in her family home...

She moved back home after a breakup and now is studying, so might be here for a couple of years.

She's been perfectly nice to me since!

I honestly would have assumed it was at the cooking, or a phone - I just swear at inanimate objects with that exact phrase practically daily!

Or sometimes cooking is stressful and you want to be left alone and sometimes you want to say that to people or objects or text messages

If you generally get on well stop overthinking it it’s one of those things

Honestly I've said similar things to my food, utensils, timer etc while cooking so I don't think it outside the realms of possibility that she was talking to her cooking and not about you! Or at her phone. Can you ask her about it?

She might have been saying in regards to some chopping or something not going right. I mutter to inanimate objects all day long!

im always shouting at pots and pans when im cooking mainly coz i burn everything

I told DP but he thinks I might have misheard or maybe it wasn't directed at me.

he wasn't there so he reached this conclusion how ?

Try not to let it bother you too much, OP.

It's possible it was about the cooking.

If it was about frustration with you, everyone gets annoyed with people they live with sometimes. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you generally. She's being nice the rest of the time, don't let one moment sour it.

She probably isn't too chuffed about being back and it's difficult to go from living independently to being back in your parent's home.

It's hard for you too, to move into an established home with the adult dc. Try not to overthink things and don't take it to heart.

hmm I always reckon we can say rudest things to people we are closest too - how many arguments have people on here had with nearest & dearest about stupid things because we are annoyed about something else -if she didn't feel as comfortable with you she probably wouldn't have said it! (reverse logic!) if it a moment thing ignore it & don't worry - she was stressed & cooking wasn't turning out the way she meant it too :)

Sometimes parallel processing is stressful. Trying to cook and have a conversation at the same time might have got to her, especially if she doesn't feel confident cooking or she's still not quite certain of you yet.

It was probably just a moment in time and if she is generally pleasant, I'd not be too concerned.

Just ask her. It could well be she was talking about something else but if it bothers you please speak up. Its crazy you are walking on egg shells in your own home.

This is the sort of rubbish I would say to the food/pots if cooking was going wrong. Honestly, I talk to myself all the time when stuff is going wrong just to vent frustration. That really sounds to me like she might have just been talking to herself. If it was loud enough for you to hear it’s very unlikely to have been about you unless she is incredibly nasty.

What was the conversation you were having with her directly beforehand about?

And also what was she cooking and at what stage of cooking was she at?

My response would totally depend on these factors!

Could totally be an inanimate object she was talking to, or the cooking, and if the conversation was like oh the weather's nice and the cooking was a soufflé about to sink, (just a ridiculous example but you get the point) then I'd say just let it go, as it was probably just mumbling to herself lol.

Xx