Heard something I wasn't supposed to...

[Willowcat77]

I moved in with my boyfriend and his DS (22) about 7 months ago. We have been a couple for nearly 3 years and are engaged. His DD (26) moved back in with her dad at the same time as me, after a few years away.

His children are lovely, outgoing and very popular. I thought we got on okay, though I often feel very awkward and the odd one out due to my ASD. I often worry I make them feel uncomfortable when I'm around and sometimes delay coming home until I know DP is back.

Anyway, yesterday evening I got back home. Only his DD was in, doing some cooking. We talked a bit, I was trying to be pleasant etc because it feels rude to go past without saying anything.

The conversation finished and I left the room, as I left I then heard her say quietly, "Fuck off, you're stressing me out"

I don't think she knows I heard but now I feel very upset. I told DP but he thinks I might have misheard or maybe it wasn't directed at me. But it must have been aimed at me because nobody else was there! I don't know whether to ask her or whether that would make things worse, what do you think? I already feel like an outsider here and this seems to confirm it.

Could you talk to her about feeling a bit awkward? Would it be possible to open up to her about your perception of how everyone is adjusting to living together? Tell her how much you want everyone (including yourself) to feel comfortable and at-home in the space...

You could admit that it is hard to talk about this issue, and that you sometimes feel anxious because of your ASD. Perhaps it would break the ice (if there is any ice), or she could warmly reassure you, if the ice is all in your imagination.

Why don’t you just nite the bullet and mention it to her, I would, just ask her outright, sometimes you just have to otherwise you’ll just keep thinking that she doesn’t like you, I couldn’t live like that, I’d just ask her!

What’s ASD? I’ve forgotten

Mentioning it to her has well sailed. I would have asked her there and then.

The problem isnt what she said though, it's how you're feeling in general. Staying out until your bloke gets home because you feel uncomfortable is no way to live. I wouldn't be buying into a house with these people feeling like that.

What’s ASD? I’ve forgotten

Autism spectrum disorder

I talk to my phone and inanimate objects like that. Especially when cooking.

I am betting its wasnr aimed at you

Thanks Gamer

I wished I'd asked when it happened but it takes me ages to process stuff like that and now it feels too weird to ask! I agree it might have been aimed at the cooking but I feel it was me. My DP says I do stress people out and I do come across as weird sometimes, but also that his daughter likes me. I don't know.

My DP says I do stress people out and I do come across as weird sometimes
That’s horrid!

Is your DP a nice person?!

I often tell appliances/my phone/myself to fuck off when cooking or on my phone and it freezes etc, so if your relationship is good i wouldn't overthink it OP.

She may have been talking to her cooking, or she may just have had an irritable moment (eg felt distracted by you from the cooking?) but actually also really does like you generally. If she seems friendly most of the time and you get on I would try not to let it worry you

DP says I do stress people out and I do come across as weird sometimes, but also that his daughter likes me.

OK, if you are going to believe him about the first bit, you have to believe the second bit too. His daughter sounds as if she was stressed out on this occasion and maybe spoke her thoughts out loud, when she shouldn't have, but she likes you. She was possibly stressed out over other things and really didn't want to talk. If so, at the very worst, it was a combination of other stresses, as well as a reaction to you. But it was a temporary reaction. She likes you.

Perhaps in future, when arriving home, if she is around, breeze upstairs to your room with a cheery "Hi, Susan . . ." through the doorway, or head off to the lounge with a quick "Want a cuppa? I'm going to put my feet up for half an hour?" In other words, be friendly, acknowledge her, but be clear that you are heading off to do something nice in your own home. If she seems OK with that you can build up to a quick friendly question: "Good day?" "New skirt?" and hopefully she will start to initiate conversations too.

If her comment was directed to you, rather than to the pans, it doesnt sound like the end of the earth. More like a momentary blip, as you all adjust to living together.

If she is being extra nice she could be feeling guilty. REally you are strangers thrown together. She didn't choose you as s house share and you didn't choose her. I would try to forget it. She was maybe in a grumpy mood. Her relationship has ended and she has to live at home again . Not in a good place, try to feel sorry for her and not yourself.

Tbh I'd be more upset about DP's comment and how that attitude might overflow to his adult daughter. I wouldn't be happy.

Hold off on the housebuying with him and have a chat about his comment maybe.

I'd say that under my breath if someone was irritating me. it wouldn't mean I dislike the person, just that they were getting on my tits at that point in time. It doesn't even mean the person is doing anything wrong, they are just there when I'm feeling a bit irritable.
It sounds to me like too many adults in one household. You're bound to get on each others tits over trivial things, no matter how well-disposed you generally are towards one another.

@ReanimatedSGB Yes, that makes sense, thank you. I agree there are too many adults here, I miss having my own space

I just need to clarify, DP is lovely, just very direct! And the ASD thing is sometimes quite difficult for both of us.

I just need to clarify, DP is lovely, just very direct! And the ASD thing is sometimes quite difficult for both of us.

Seems directed at my post. I still don't think it was nice to say, but context is important :)

I think reanimated has got it

I think it was most likely aimed at you and just dont try too hard to chat as soon as yiuwalk through the door

I think she is the one with social communication problems here, OP. You poor thing. If she still wants to live with her dad at her age she should be accepting of, and nice to, his partner. Big hugs. That would make me sad. What a brat.

You know what you heard and it does sound like it was aimed at you but living with other people is hard.

Some people are incredibly precious to the extent that they think a moment's exasperation must mean the end of any friendly relationship. An awful lot of us might even go so far as to say 'Just fuck off out of my face for a bit, will you?' directly to people we love, if they happen to be underfoot when we are both busy and already upset about something.
She's being nice to you now; she probably feels guilty about being a grump because she does like you and you just caught her at a bad moment. Some people would suggest having an 'honest conversation' about the incident but TBH that is likely to make things worse. Everyone is annoying sometimes, everyone gets annoyed sometimes. If there's a sustained pattern of little digs, or inconsiderate behaviour, that's another thing, but it would really be best to cut both her and yourself some slack over this.

I am an introvert and sometimes find having (the nicest possible) people around stressful. It's more if I don't get enough time alone, it has absolutely nothing to do with the people.

I think I’m on the ASD myself, I’ve noticed it more as I’ve gotten older, I cannot express my self at all anymore with regards to feelings, my mother says I don’t show emotion, I have an obsessions with remembering dates and everything else to do with numbers and I sometimes can’t empathise with others, I’m deffo a bit ‘quirky’ which can mean ASD.

I also seem to look at things extremely diffferent from 90% of people, maybe I’m just ‘odd’? Maybe I am a psychopath like my mother once said!!