My boyfriend thinks I got pregnant on purpose.

[Claaiireey]

My daughter is nearly 1 year old now and now he’s telling me he thinks I planned getting pregnant with her... So I was taking the pill everyday I had an alarm set on my phone as a reminder but I’ve admit I did miss a pill in the packet as I remember I was out with work and my alarm was set to 5pm in the evening I used to take it when I used to get home from work (mistake on my behalf I should’ve taken it every morning - Lesson learnt I know take it every morning!) but anyway my alarm went and I didn’t have my contraceptive on me, obviously got home late as was on a work party and forgot all about taking the pill and obviously slept with my boyfriend and didn’t take the pill until the following evening! I should’ve gone and got a morning after pill, but hey ho I thought I’ve only missed one, I’ll be okey... obviously to find out a few weeks later I was pregnant....But he thinks I did something like stopped taking the pills on purpose, like I’ve planned this to happen because a few months prior to this we broke up because he didn’t want children. I’ve even admitted it looks bad and I can’t prove anything to him, but he is being mean towards me because he doesn't believe me. He says that he half believes me and half doesn’t as we were friends for 10 years before realising that we both wanted to be more than friends, so because he’s known me for so long he says he doesn’t think i would do something like it but at the same time he can’t help but think that I have done it on purpose.
A few years back (this is hard for me to say..) I lost my best friend to suicide, it hit me really hard and is even tried to take my own life and he stopped me... my head and my thoughts were in the wrong place when I tried doing that but I would never ever contemplate taking my own life again, i realised straight after it was a silly thing for me to attempt, im usually the girl who’s always smiling, always happy and I instantly regretted it, but he thinks now that I’m capable of anything because I went to do that and thinks that I’m capable of planning a pregnancy.

The thing is my daughter is here, she’s turning one this week coming and he absolutely adores her and says she’s the best thing thats ever happened to him, he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment he says he has his days where he’s fine and others where he can’t help but think I’ve trapped him.
I absolutely adore my boyfriend but I would never be that person he thinks i am/become...I’ve cried a lot this past month and have told him on 3 occasions to leave if he doesn’t trust me.
But everytime i say that to him it kills me inside because I know I haven’t done anything wrong, and I wish there was a way I could prove my innocence. I don’t want him to leave because he is the most amazing dad and boyfriend but right now I’m stuck in limbo of what can I do to make this better?

I dont know why people are putting the blame on you OP it takes two people to take responsibility for contraception, if he was that concerned he could of used a condom. Yes you forgot one pill that was daft but I'm sick of it always being 100% the women having to be in charge

So he's saying this about you and yet still refuses to wear a condom after your DD. Riiiight.The same thing can happen again or BC can fail or a whole host of things! Will he go through this again? Sing this same tune? Will his new blame/no blame ratio be 75 your fault 25 not your fault?

This guy is clueless. I am unsure what aspect(s) he is bringing up from how you were back when you were suicidal (and my sympathies with that, as I have dealt with the same) but a real friend doesn't use someone's past as a way to hurt their present.

If neither of you want more children, you will need to use additional means of protection. Otherwise, you could get pregnant again and have to deal with blaming again.

First of all I’d just like to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and for all the responses I’ve received.
I really wanted some outsiders point of view on this and I am really happy with the verdict, basically like I thought there’s not a lot I can do on this, it’s either he moves on from thinking these horrible things about me or he will have to leave if he can’t.
There’s only so much more I can take myself & it’s not fair on my daughter to see myself getting upset.
I just want to put aside even though my boyfriend is making these horrible accusations, he is really good to me, right now not so much but I’ve been with him for 6 years in a relationship and known him 14 years total, there’s no way I’d be with him If he was horrible to me all this time I’ve known him, it’s literally only been the last couple of months that it’s been this horrible way.
It’s just upsetting as my daughter is here, he loves and adores her so why isn’t that enough? Why is he bringing the past up? Yes he didn’t want children, and I just can’t see why he can’t say to himself that maybe it wasn’t what he had in mind to have children, but now that she’s here and he’s even said she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, then why can’t he just leave it at that?
Obviously the problem is with me and not our daughter, I guess that’s what it comes down to. But I really didn’t do anything wrong. My daughter wasn’t planned, I couldn’t go through with having an abortion, I looked into it, and just couldn’t do it, a long time ago with my ex partner I had a miscarriage - I don’t mind talking about it as I had no clue I was pregnant, but i knew I had a miscarriage and it was absolutely horrific, I was sad but I’ve been okey with it because it wasn’t meant to be and back then I was not ready at all for a baby and again ladies & gentlemen I was on the right contraceptive before anyone says anything and so was my ex partner, I’ve even told my current partner this when I didn’t really want to ever speak of this moment in my life ever again, but even explaining I couldn’t go through with an abortion due to having gone through that miscarriage which was awful, I knew i couldn’t do it, especially after loosing my friend to suicide too, something was telling me it would be wrong to abort my daughter and I’m so glad I didn’t!
She is the best part of me.
But even after all of this and explained why I couldn’t do what he wanted me too he still doesn’t get it? I mean he went through my pregnancy with me and held my hand through labour and was supporting me all the way through it and then nearly a year later brings this up that he thinks I’ve done this as a way to “keep him”.
It’s honestly confused me because I thought by keeping my daughter he would’ve left, but him supporting me through pregnancy and child birth and now comes out with this....
I know I didn’t do anything wrong, i can’t prove anything, if he wants us to be happy and continue as a family then he has to stop thinking about what he thinks I’ve done.

It sounds like he is staying because of his daughter. The trust appears long gone. He can love his daughter even if not happy with the conception.

Hypothetically, If it were reversedand he knew the contraception had been missed and he hadn't got for the MAP and hadn't told you so you could protect yourself would you trust him again?

I thought that the decision to use condoms, or not use condoms, was something that men and women discussed together and agreed upon. This would mean that if a condom was not used, then it was the woman's decision not to use the condom as well, and not just the man's decision. And this is coming from a guy who has never been in a relationship.

It shows.

If he is still, nearly 2 years later, attacking OP for getting pregnant when he took NO steps to prevent pregnancy, and hasn't done since, then he's an arsehole.

He is all for preventing pregnancy, just not for him to take the initiative and do anything about it. It's all on OP, which from an grown man is frankly ridiculous.

If he doesn't want an unintended pregnancy, it is his responsibility as much as hers to prevent it. He didn't, and hasn't since.

Also think it's disgusting that he's still banging on about it when his child is here and over a year old. I sincerely hope she never overhears her feckless father speaking about her in this way.

At the end of the day @OP the responsibility for pregnancy prevention is a two way street. If he didn’t want to bag it up and/or not want to pull out then he’s as much to blame as you missing a pill! There are plenty of guys out there happily pointing the finger of blame meanwhile happily dipping their wick! He can shove that in his pipe and smoke it!
Your daughter is here and he either deals with it or gets lost! He can’t keep emotionally beating you with this stick!

Some of these messages are really putting a smile on my face, laughing at some of the comments just because I’m so glad that it’s not all my fault, which it’s being made out to be from his point of view.
I think I need to realise that it’s not my fault which he has made me feel and I’ve even apologised for it, but I won’t be apologising anymore.
My daughter is no mistake, she wasn’t planned, but now she’s here she is amazing. I never want her to know about any this... I think I need to him to know that one day our daughter will most likely have a baby of her own, and I hope to god that her partner will never ever speak to her the way he has or accused her for purposely getting pregnant, I would love to know how he would feel knowing then if someone would be accusing our daughter of these awful remarks, what would he say to that? How would he feel?

But there will come a time where maybe he will just accept that what we have is good when he doesn’t bring this up! We have w lovely little family, we get along and laugh and have fun we really do but it just comes down to this, I trust him with all my heart but he has said to me he has lost his trust in me only because he said to me he didn’t want children and then within a few weeks later I ended up pregnant. - that is the only thing stopping us in our tracks. He just said it’s such a coincidence... I’ve even put my hands up to it and said I can see his point, it does look suspicious. But no way would i ever do that! I’m really not that person, I’m not crazy or a psycho I don’t know what he thinks of me..But it’s been 2 years since then and it’s 2 years gone which can’t be taken back... and it’s time to move on either with me or without me.

I’d tell him to deal with it or fuck off and be single.

I’m not saying that without thought. All this navel gazing and these accusations. What’s the point? Get on with it or FRO. Thats it.

to leave if he doesn’t trust me.

He is having his cake (loving his daughter, best thing in his life ) and complaining that you trapped him

I would tell him that has to stop. Either you go on happily together or you break up now.

His choice and make sure you follow through.

*If he is still, nearly 2 years later, attacking OP for getting pregnant when he took NO steps to prevent pregnancy, and hasn't done since, then he's an arsehole.

He is all for preventing pregnancy, just not for him to take the initiative and do anything about it. It's all on OP, which from an grown man is frankly ridiculous.

If he doesn't want an unintended pregnancy, it is his responsibility as much as hers to prevent it. He didn't, and hasn't since.*

Did you actually read my comment?

unflushable yes.

Just a correction of fact - if you're on the mini pill (progestogen only pill) than 3 or 12 hours late is significant. Just wanted to say that - the advice given so far assumes it's a combined pill.

Essentially he needs to get a grip and accept the situation and stop going on about it. I'd leave him if he can't.

It sounds like he actually has regrets about having a child. Why bring this up now? A year later? He didn’t use a condom so he’s to blame to, why is it always left to a woman?. “Trapped him” I can’t stand that saying. You’ve had his child he’s not chained to you is he? Sorry I don’t mean to be harsh I just don’t get why he’s saying this to you now?

He's just using it as a stick to beat you with, at this point.

If these are intrusive obsessional thoughts that he feels he cannot stop having, then ask him to go to the GP/ find himself therapy if you are to stay together.

Otherwise he needs to exercise self-control and accept that this is the situation and he chooses to be with you. Further attacking you over it is emotional abuse. In which case you should certainly leave.

@Rspu1384
I have no idea why he’s saying this now to me either.
When I told him I was pregnant he broke up with me and said if I go ahead and had the baby then we wouldn’t be together as a couple. I choose to go ahead with my pregnancy expecting to go it alone, it broke my heart but I knew I couldn’t go ahead with an abortion.
After 3 weeks he told me he after thinking about things he realised he had been harsh and said he loves me and wanted to do things right. I only let him back after asking the right questions to make sure it was for our relationship and not just because I was carrying his child.
I hate the word ‘Trapped’ and by all means I didn’t do this, it was his choice to come back to me and not my own, I never forced him or blackmailed him or as you say had him to a chain. That was his choice to come back, so I don’t understand where this has all come from when he made his choice to carry on our relationship.
I don’t think he regrets my daughter. I’ve asked him if he resents me or hates me for having her, but he says he doesn’t. He just says that he’s lost trust in me purely because he thinks i planned to get pregnant.

So quick debrief. We split in January 2017 and i decided to put myself on the contraceptive pill after having the implant in my arm for 9 years to give my body a break.
During our spilt (the reason was because he knew i wanted children in my future but he was unsure) he wanted me to meet someone else, but I didn’t want to meet anyone else, even though we were ‘apart’ we continued to sleep together and it was as if our relationship still continued, we went on holiday in June together and when we came back I finally plucked up the courage to ask if our relationship was back on. He turned around and said for me to really think about things and to think about possibly nit having children for a few more years.. I agreed, I was happy with him, he made me happy, we enjoyed each other’s company, he made me laugh and vise Vera. It was about 3/4 weeks after we rekindled that I fell pregnant. I’ve even put my hands up to him and said I know how it looks and it doesn’t look great, but I’d never purposely get pregnant.
And that’s why he doesn’t trust me is down to that, purely because I got pregnant so soon after us getting back together but he thinks I made an agreement when getting back together and thinks that If I were to of gotten pregnant to have an abortion (which I couldn’t do).

You want to be the best mum you can be don’t you op? You owe it to your daughter to demonstrate self respect. After bedtime tonight, tell him there are two new rules. He keeps bringing up that he doesn’t trust you, you’ve got the message. If he doesn’t wear a condom from now on any baby is directly the result of his actions. Before sex say any baby is because you wanted it.
And, your daughter is getting older and understanding more and more. He is never again to mention it in your house as if she ever hears him say he didn’t want her, he wanted to abort her, you will never forgive him and any love you have for him will die instantly.

More generally, he sounds like a dick who just wants a stick to beat you with. I hope you realise you are worth more.

Honestly OP, the more reveal about him the more of an arse he sounds. If you are to have a future together he must stop blaming you and take an equal share of responsibility for your daughter's conception and any future pregnancies that occur. I say this as someone who got pregnant whilst fitted with a coil. Nothing is 100% safe but the pill combined with a condom is pretty damned close. If he can't be bothered to use one don't whine if an accident happens.

Little update, last night I asked him if he would like to use condoms from now on and his answer was “no, they’re pointless really” so after me saying well I’ve been thinking about just making sure that we are extra safe - because I don’t want another baby right now, however I wouldn’t say no in the future...
so I suggested that I would be happy to use another form of contraceptive and he said no to that too and said for me to carry on with using the pill, I’ve said I take it correctly, so we shall see... so I guess he has no right to hold a grudge or put blame on me when I’ve even asked him to take extra precautions and I get a no back.
No offence as most people have said I’m doing my part. I’m making sure I’m protected, now that was down to him and he’s made his choice on it, so if history were to repeat itself (which hopefully not - I would much rather it to be planned together!) then he can’t put the blame entirely on me.

I’ve even explained the pill is not 100% even when it’s used correctly.

So basically he does just want a stick to beat you with.

Did he understand that any future pregnancy that might occur would be totally down to him and his complete and utter failure to take any responsibility for contraception?

The problem here is you're kind of giving him too much power.

You can't prove you didnt plan it. Many women do, do he can't swear you didn't, but if it was me I'd tell him.in no uncertain terms that I don't want to hear it again.

I'd tell him to do his own research into contraception and their reliability.

I'd be unequivocal in letting him know, a further mention of this will lead to the end of the relationship, because you find his accusations upsetting and you're unwilling to be with a man who doesn't trust you.

You come across as being more into him, than he is to you.

There is no point? He is an idiot tell him you want him to use them so there can be no further accusation of trapping should another failure happen

As PP have said the contraceptive pill is not 100% safe. If he really doesn't want any more children then he should wear a condom (whether he wants to or not) or have a vasectomy.

If he sometimes feels trapped then I think you have deeper problems with your relationship. You say he is an amazing dad and boyfriend. He is not. He doesn't trust you, tells you he feels trapped and tells you if you made a suicide attempt then you are capable of anything. He is not understanding and supportive and refuses to take responsibility for contraception.

He wanted to do the right thing when you were pregnant (after you refused to have an abortion). Combined with feeling trapped this smacks of someone who doesn't want to be with you and is with you for all the wrong reasons.

He's trying to guilt trip you.
Accusing you of 'trapping' him.
I'd wonder why he's doing this now
I think I know but you need to worry about you for now.
He either never brings it up again and you get on with your lives together or he fucks off out of it!
It's a simple choice for him.

OP, everyone has addressed whether your boyfriend is being an arse (he is), and you and they are all asking why he’s bringing this up now. I think that’s the important part. I’m curious as well. Is he stressed or upset about something else (change to his job, less money, etc)? Is it possible someone else has been talking about this with him? Has he been hanging out with mates that don’t have children so they have a lot more “freedom”? Do his family not like you? And I hate to say this one, but is there any chance he’s either already cheating or moving toward it (because if he can convince himself you trapped him, then he’s not the bad guy even if he cheats)? If I were you, I would really think about and look for the catalyst that is causing this to be brought up now. Maybe it’s just random, but it’s usually not.