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Relationships

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Original poster

My boyfriend thinks I got pregnant on purpose.

78 replies

Claaiireey · 27/04/2019 16:10

My daughter is nearly 1 year old now and now he’s telling me he thinks I planned getting pregnant with her... So I was taking the pill everyday I had an alarm set on my phone as a reminder but I’ve admit I did miss a pill in the packet as I remember I was out with work and my alarm was set to 5pm in the evening I used to take it when I used to get home from work (mistake on my behalf I should’ve taken it every morning - Lesson learnt I know take it every morning!) but anyway my alarm went and I didn’t have my contraceptive on me, obviously got home late as was on a work party and forgot all about taking the pill and obviously slept with my boyfriend and didn’t take the pill until the following evening! I should’ve gone and got a morning after pill, but hey ho I thought I’ve only missed one, I’ll be okey... obviously to find out a few weeks later I was pregnant....But he thinks I did something like stopped taking the pills on purpose, like I’ve planned this to happen because a few months prior to this we broke up because he didn’t want children. I’ve even admitted it looks bad and I can’t prove anything to him, but he is being mean towards me because he doesn't believe me. He says that he half believes me and half doesn’t as we were friends for 10 years before realising that we both wanted to be more than friends, so because he’s known me for so long he says he doesn’t think i would do something like it but at the same time he can’t help but think that I have done it on purpose.
A few years back (this is hard for me to say..) I lost my best friend to suicide, it hit me really hard and is even tried to take my own life and he stopped me... my head and my thoughts were in the wrong place when I tried doing that but I would never ever contemplate taking my own life again, i realised straight after it was a silly thing for me to attempt, im usually the girl who’s always smiling, always happy and I instantly regretted it, but he thinks now that I’m capable of anything because I went to do that and thinks that I’m capable of planning a pregnancy.

The thing is my daughter is here, she’s turning one this week coming and he absolutely adores her and says she’s the best thing thats ever happened to him, he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment he says he has his days where he’s fine and others where he can’t help but think I’ve trapped him.
I absolutely adore my boyfriend but I would never be that person he thinks i am/become...I’ve cried a lot this past month and have told him on 3 occasions to leave if he doesn’t trust me.
But everytime i say that to him it kills me inside because I know I haven’t done anything wrong, and I wish there was a way I could prove my innocence. I don’t want him to leave because he is the most amazing dad and boyfriend but right now I’m stuck in limbo of what can I do to make this better?

OP posts:

magoria · 27/04/2019 17:27

He doesn't want children yet he is using no protection.

If he doesn't want children he abstains, uses condoms or gets a vasectomy.

He only has himself to blame.

How can you be in a relationship or have sex with anyone who thinks so little of you?

Jaxhog · 27/04/2019 17:30

Why is it that some men moan about their wife/gf etc. getting pregnant on purpose, when the solution is in their hands. If they don't want to be a dad - wear a condom! Easy.

BogglesGoggles · 27/04/2019 17:30

You knew you had sex without contraception, decided not to get the day after pill, realised you were pregnant and didn’t get an abortion. I fail to understand when that doesn’t amount to intending the child. Not that that gives him the right to complain. He should have taken measures himself if he didn’t want to accept the risk that a woman might conceive and have a child.

blackcat86 · 27/04/2019 17:36

There is something very wrong about him using your suicide attempt against you. Do you feel that there may be a certain element of gas lighting here? He is trying to sell you a story until it becomes the new truth that you planned this despite you not actually even missing your pill for long enough for it to be a risk. Then with this thing that is allegedly so important that he has you in tears several times in a month, he declined you having the implant and was happy for you to go back to pill. IMO you either both go to couples counselling to move on and he stops accusing you or you split because this isn't doing your MH any good.

Babdoc · 27/04/2019 17:39

OP, this sounds to me like emotional abuse. He keeps dragging up something that you cannot change, in order to make you feel guilty and keep you apologising and trying to earn his good opinion to “ make up” for your terrible “crime” of producing his child.
You are permanently in the wrong and on the back foot- there will be no pleasing him. Nothing you can do or say will satisfy him, as he’s using this as a weapon to control you, an excuse to behave badly, and ultimately a ticket to leave the relationship when he decides he’s had enough/finds someone else.
You need to call him out on this. Tell him to put up or shut up - he either drops the subject or you leave him. You really can’t spend the next forty years grovelling to this twerp.

NannyRed · 27/04/2019 17:40

I find it hard to believe anyone accidentally gets pregnant these days. Everyone should be using a condom to protect them from AIDS/STI’s as well as contraception.

willowmelangell · 27/04/2019 18:01

Babdoc is absolutely spot on.

I can only suggest that the next time he brings it up, don't explain(again)
or get upset(again) do something different.
Open the front door and say, "Dc was an accident not a mistake and if you think differently, off you go...."

BollocksToBrexit · 27/04/2019 18:19

Next time he brings it up point out that there's only one person in this relationship who makes no effort to prevent pregnancy. He needs to grow up.

Littletabbyocelot · 27/04/2019 18:31

If the pill is 98% effective, that means 2 in 100 women will get pregnant on the pill. Yet, despite knowing you for so long he believes it's more likely that you chose to trap him than that you experienced a known and relatively common issue with the pill?

Or, does he know what happened but get other benefits from 'disbelieving' you? Do you do a greater share of the parenting hard work because it's your fault? Does he get something out of making you cry?

You can't prove you didn't deliberately get pregnant but I think you can prove conclusively that he's behaving like an arsehole. I know you love him but this is the rest of your life - and your dds childhood. Tell him, and mean it, he either trusts you and doesn't mention this crap again (and certainly doesn't mention your suicide attempt in that context, that's an awful thing to do) or he leaves.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 18:39

*He could have worn a condom but chose not to.

It sounds like he’s making a case to get out of the relationship by painting himself as the victim and you the perpetrator. You need to ask yourself why you are so invested in someone who isn’t as invested in you.*

Nameusernameuser · 27/04/2019 18:40

OP I work with pharmacist and one missed pill isn't a missed dose. It should still protect you from pregnancy. So missing one pill most likely had nothing to do with it.

Sagradafamiliar · 27/04/2019 18:51

He got you pregnant. He's an idiot. He's a disrespectful idiot to keep on about this since your daughter is now nearly a year old. She should not to referred to or treated like some form of trap or mistake.
I'm sorry he's grinding you down.

category12 · 27/04/2019 19:01

What Babdoc says.

He made the choice to continue the relationship so he needs to stop doing this to you. You need to be prepared to end it if he won't stop. He'll kill your relationship anyway by slow cuts if this goes on.

sue51 · 27/04/2019 21:59

If he was so against the idea of a pregnancy, he should have taken an equal share of responsibilty for contraception and used a condom. I would find it difficult to be with a man who constantly tried to guilt trip me. I would tell him this stops now or it's over.

unflushable · 27/04/2019 23:10

Does he still have sex without condoms now?

Why is almost every post in this thread implying that using condoms, or not using condoms, is solely the man's choice?

I thought that the decision to use condoms, or not use condoms, was something that men and women discussed together and agreed upon. This would mean that if a condom was not used, then it was the woman's decision not to use the condom as well, and not just the man's decision. And this is coming from a guy who has never been in a relationship.

BummyKnocker · 27/04/2019 23:15

Sex even with protection may end in pregnancy. That is fact. The only way to ensure never getting pregnant is not having sex. He can't have his fun and take no responsibility. If he didn't want a baby ever, no sex, ever. Even vasectomy isn't baby-proof.

Tell him to get on with it or fuck off.

BummyKnocker · 27/04/2019 23:19

He's not a keeper is he?

unflushable · 27/04/2019 23:19

It's easy to say all this when you have the privilege of aborting a pregnancy. Men don't get that privilege.

Abstinence, while it wouldn't bother me personally, is a ridiculous solution. How many women would be prepared to stay in relationships with men who never had sex with them? Some women perhaps, but not all. A lot of relationships would have to end if the male partner decided not for fear of pregnancy.

Sausagerollers · 27/04/2019 23:23

Tell him that you think he got you pregnant on purpose.

Everyone knows that the pill isn't 100% effective. He had the choice to put a condom on, pull out, abstain or get a vasectomy, yet he still had sex with you taking none of those precautions.

Out of the 2 of you, you were taking steps to prevent pregnancy, but he wasn't, so why is he putting the blame on you?

BummyKnocker · 27/04/2019 23:24

The point is sex may end in pregnancy, so men have to take some responsibility. If it is very very important to them, they take their own precautions, pulling out, with a condom or vasectomy.

unflushable · 27/04/2019 23:25

Out of the 2 of you, you were taking steps to prevent pregnancy, but he wasn't, so why is he putting the blame on you?

As I explained previously, the use of condoms, or not using them, is a joint decision by both partners. I've never had a relationship and even I understand this.

unflushable · 27/04/2019 23:26

The point is sex may end in pregnancy, so men have to take some responsibility. If it is very very important to them, they take their own precautions, pulling out, with a condom or vasectomy.

I agree with this, obviously... but that's not what you said in your previous post, so no, that wasn't your point.

Here's what you said-

If he didn't want a baby ever, no sex, ever.

Lollypop701 · 27/04/2019 23:30

willowmelangell is completely right! It’s tell him now or put up with his shit forever... and moving on your dc will thinks it’s ok for men to treat women like this? Your choice op

Dragongirl10 · 27/04/2019 23:31

Op why is contraception all your responsibility?

If he doesn't want a pregnancy that much he should NEVER have sex without a condom...end of.

At times in my life where an unwanted pregnancy would have been a huge deal, l would double up on contraception, ie l did my bit with the Pill, and my BF used a condom..EVERY time.
And we abstained when l was ovulating. BOTH of you are responsible, not just you.

Stop apologising, stop feeling bad, stop trying to get him to forgive you.

Say once...'l have told you the truth, l never want to discuss this again, accept it wholeheartedly or leave'
Also tell him to get a vasectomy or it may happen again!

OnwardsandUpwards27 · 28/04/2019 01:02

To be honest I miss the pill frequently not on purpose but by general busyness and no alarm on my phone. I haven't fallen pregnant and if I had it would no way be intentional. I normally always take it the next day as soon as I remember.
Life does get in the way and I think your partner saying you trapped him is out of line.
If you had totally come off the pill and not told him then yes you have trapped him but missing 1 pill is a genuine mistake.
I know it's easier said than done OP but you know the truth and if your partner can't deal with that then that's down to him.
My husband cheated and the OW intentionally got pregnant and trapped him so she could "have" him . It did infact end our marriage and life for them is miserable so trapping never ends well. X

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