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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex husband won’t give back my parents inheritance

117 replies

dalmationdotty · 27/04/2019 08:51

I am in the process of a divorce after a long marriage. Long story short. Over the last 10 or so years my father used to give me lump sums of money from part of my future inheritance. He said he’d rather I had the money now when I needed it. He has since passed, bless him. I used the money as a deposit to buy our first home and our second home and also to do our extension etc. Which my husband knew and was very happy about. Without my parents help we would have never afforded our current property. I also worked part time so have always contributed to the running costs and mortgage too. Now we are looking to possibly sell the property and in splitting the profit I have asked for the inheritance that was mine to be accounted for. My husband just laughed at me and told me I was an idiot. FYI I am not wanting to sell the house as still have young kids at the local school and I have been paying the bills and mortgage myself since he has left. He only pays me child maintenance and nothing more and hasn’t contributed to the upkeep of the house either since he has left. He is forcing or trying to force a sale as he needs the money to buy his own home which I don’t think is unreasonable at all. But he says we split the house 50:50. FYI he is on a huge salary 4 x mine and is renting a very nice big family home, but he wants to own a home not rent anymore.
Any advice??

OP posts:
Cheekyfeckery · 27/04/2019 12:37

You’re getting child benefit and working tax credits etc?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/04/2019 12:37

Meant to say I agreed it was unfair to expect the inheritance back plus at least half of everything else. It's either all joint or not.

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/04/2019 12:53

No I get neither as earn too much and work too many hours

OP posts:
Middersweekly · 27/04/2019 12:56

If it is a long marriage then you will likely end up splitting the assets around the 50/50 mark. Usually there is not much deviation from equality. You can however make a claim for spousal maintenance (if he is such a high earner) and also a pension sharing order. He might realise then that he’s going to be forking our a good deal more and want to make the split a 60/40 of property for that reason! You should look to negotiate your settlement in financial mediation and if it is not possible it will be taken to a financial proceedings remedy in court! Keep in mind though, this is a costly process! Good luck @OP

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/04/2019 14:53

Very costly! Which he can afford but I can’t. So I guess he is hoping I can’t afford to argue with him and fold. He brought nothing but debt to the marriage we I helped pay off. I’d just like to make sure we both get a fair share given his income and earning potential compared to mine as my income is still limited due to childcare. Whereas he gets a childminder to have the kids do he can still go to work full time but have the kids 40 % of the time so he doesn’t have to pay me as much child maintenance. Made a lot of mistakes in this divorce trying to avoid making more! Is it gin time yet? I think I need one!

OP posts:
nrpmum · 27/04/2019 15:00

@dalmationdotty it is always Hendricks oclivk

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/04/2019 15:15

&nrpmum don’t mind if I do then! Feel free to join me anyone. I’ll toast all you lovely people for kicking me up the butt and getting my s**t together

OP posts:
nrpmum · 27/04/2019 17:26

Definitely joining you!

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/04/2019 17:58

&nrpmum don’t mind if I do then! Feel free to join me anyone. I’ll toast all you lovely people for kicking me up the butt and getting my s**t together

OP posts:
Miljah · 28/04/2019 10:38

Like many, I could've written your post regarding a friend of mine and her husband/divorce.

She agreed to 50/50 to be 'nice', but now, 8 years after he walked out (and is now remarried to a solicitor...) it's all getting very nasty.

She has realised she needs way more than 50% and could have secured it as she had dependent DC at home. She doesn't any more.

The painful thing is that I, and all her other friends advised her over and over and over again to sort herself out legally, that he would screw her over eventually.

She bitterly regrets not fighting harder 8 years ago. And is trying to sell the house, with him constantly coming around, hammering on the door and shouting 'Sell the effing house, bitch!'...... this is the man she didn't want to see 'homeless' or 'struggling'.

mummmy2017 · 28/04/2019 12:14

You can do most of it yourself..
Also you can push for it to go to a judge...Guess what most judges do a fair award.. more to you the mum, looking after the kids.

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 28/04/2019 13:04

Talking to my lawyer Tuesday. Just had an email off my EH saying that I have to sell the house for his mental health situation. He said he moved out because I said it was damaging my mental health. I didn’t, I didnt think it was a good idea to continue living under the same roof while we divorce as it would be stressful for everyone especially the children. I said either he goes or I would go with the kids and dog and rent a flat. Obviously he didn’t want to be the man who kicked his kids out of their home so he agreed to move out. Now he is emailing saying he can’t sleep and is so unhappy as he can’t buy a house. He is renting a 4 bed house, it isn’t his but he’s not homeless. Plus we rented for over 3 years when the kids were small as we couldn’t find anywhere to buy. It was fine then but apparently not good enough now! I mean he went to Bruges last weekend with his GF so he can’t be feeling that depressed! Or am I being harsh?

OP posts:
WhoAteMyNuts · 28/04/2019 13:09

Don't engage with the email. Don't engage with him and don't start negotiations without going through your solicitor.

Whilst some couples can negotiate a settlement fairly and get it 'rubber stamped' by the courts you are not in that position and clearly he is trying everything to back you into a corner to agree his terms. The email is just part of trying to guilt you. Ignore it.

mummmy2017 · 28/04/2019 13:25

If he wants the house sold... Just say nothing,. He will have to give or wait a year.

AnotherEmma · 28/04/2019 13:50

I would ignore the email or say something like

"I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy and unable to sleep. Perhaps you could see your GP.
As for the house and financial settlement, I am seeing my solicitor on Tuesday so I will be in touch again after that."

Keep it brief and detached.

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 28/04/2019 14:06

@AnotherEmma that’s a perfect reply. I don’t want to ignore it and irritate him but I have nothing to say in reply to it except what you just wrote. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
dalmationdotty · 28/04/2019 14:08

Oh and this is the third or fourth time he has told me he is depressed to make me feel sorry for him. And manipulate me. But he doesn’t act depressed. Not saying he isn’t but really it’s nothing to do with me unless it affects his parenting which I don’t think it is or kids would say something.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 28/04/2019 14:13

You're welcome.

"really it’s nothing to do with me unless it affects his parenting"
Exactly.

He's trying to manipulate you, but his mental health is not your problem.

PositiveVibez · 28/04/2019 14:24

Just on the off chance, are you in a union? One of the benefits is usually free legal advice for all personal issues, including divorce and family matters.

comingintomyown · 28/04/2019 14:27

As everyone has said the inheritance has gone into your joint pot. I learnt that each and every single divorce is individual and there is no point really hearing anyone else’s experience , the only common thing is that 50:50 is the starting point and in fact in my case was how it was done. Having heard of people getting better percentages I asked my solicitor If I should fight for more, her comment was going to court was both costly and family law is extremely elastic so outcomes unpredictable.
I was in a similar position him the high earner me the SAHM and fortunately he was very fair with everything but I did have to stand up for myself and fight my corner a couple of times which I had no appetite for. A friend at the time gave me great advice which was to very quietly fight for everything I was entitled to not more but not less if not for my sake then the DC. Exactly has been said several times if you don’t then further down the line you would really regret it.

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2019 14:28

If you wanted to be more clear :
I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy and unable to sleep. It’s not the house situation as you've rented before and millions of people in the U.K. happily rent, it’s something else. Perhaps you could see your GP.
As for the house and financial settlement, I am seeing my solicitor on Tuesday so I will be in touch again after that."

AnotherEmma · 28/04/2019 14:35

"It’s not the house situation as you've rented before and millions of people in the U.K. happily rent, it’s something else."

No point saying that, no point getting sucked into a debate.

LemonTT · 28/04/2019 14:43

Don’t debate and don’t reply. Unless it is an offer that you can accept on the advice of a solicitor. There is no need for a smart reply no matter how satisfying. A solicitors letter telling him he needs to make a reasonable offer and pay for mediators the way to go. Oh and withdraw the offer you made on the pension.

Hotterthanahotthing · 28/04/2019 14:55

Don't reply and don't make any offers .
If the split is 50:50 then ensure that does include his pension.You can bargain with him into keeping the house(you will be surprised when you get the valuation for that done.)in exchange for him keeping it.Talk it out with your solicitor,don't mention it to him.
Keep stronger and show him the woman he has forgotten that you are.

Cheekyfeckery · 28/04/2019 15:00

He wants you to feel sorry for him. Ignore it.

Perhaps take a look at the book ‘stop walking on eggshells’. I found it very helpful.

I also had counselling which was hugely helpful in putting boundaries in place and sticking to them.