My ex husband won’t give back my parents inheritance

[dalmationdotty]

I am in the process of a divorce after a long marriage. Long story short. Over the last 10 or so years my father used to give me lump sums of money from part of my future inheritance. He said he’d rather I had the money now when I needed it. He has since passed, bless him. I used the money as a deposit to buy our first home and our second home and also to do our extension etc. Which my husband knew and was very happy about. Without my parents help we would have never afforded our current property. I also worked part time so have always contributed to the running costs and mortgage too. Now we are looking to possibly sell the property and in splitting the profit I have asked for the inheritance that was mine to be accounted for. My husband just laughed at me and told me I was an idiot. FYI I am not wanting to sell the house as still have young kids at the local school and I have been paying the bills and mortgage myself since he has left. He only pays me child maintenance and nothing more and hasn’t contributed to the upkeep of the house either since he has left. He is forcing or trying to force a sale as he needs the money to buy his own home which I don’t think is unreasonable at all. But he says we split the house 50:50. FYI he is on a huge salary 4 x mine and is renting a very nice big family home, but he wants to own a home not rent anymore.
Any advice??

You might "LET IT GO, ITS ONLY MONEY"

It's your children's FUTURE

It's YOUR future

HE EARNS 4 TIMES YOUR SALARY!!!

Are you really going to live in penury in your old age while he cruises round the world on your dads money???

SEE A SOLICITOR

STOP TALKING TO HIM ENTIRELY- HE IS TRYING TO BULLY AND GUILT TRIP YOU

(after shouting at you here's some )

Don’t agree to anything.

Arrange some meetings with three or four solicitors. Ask around. Find one you feel comfortable with.

A good solicitor is worth their fee. Don’t even attempt this without legal advice. It will go on forever and it won’t be fair on you and the children.

You need to protect your old age.

Ah, you think if you give him 50:50 he will be nice and reasonable and you will get less shit from him. Nope.

Here's what will happen, and I bet loads of women can give you their regrets from similar circumstances.

He is a cock. He will be a cock. Eventually you will mentally break free of fear of his reactions, which will take a while after splitting up. Then you will be so so angry at yourself. He'll be spending that 50% on himself and new girlfriends (and maybe their children) while contributing little to his own children. As the children get older you will resent how broke you are, how you can't afford this and that and the other for them and you'll know it's because you stupidly agreed to let him take the money in the hope he'd shut up.

See a solicitor, get a fair split. It's not for you it's for your children's future.

Write a list of questions and go and see a solicitor for an hour, will cost you no more than £300-£400. Well worth it. You may not need to go again but you need independent legal advise rather than relying on him. You need to realise that he is no long on your side, so to speak. He wants the best financial agreement for himself, as do you.

The inheritance is irrelevant now as it has become part of the marital assets. But I echo everyone else on here: get proper legal advice and make sure that you get exactly what you and your children are entitled to, including your share of the pension.

It’s only money after all

It's your fathers money he worked hard for and gifted to you.
It's security for your children.

It is your responsibility to fight for this money, for your DC. Stop being such a wet blanket!

Go see a solicitor like the others say. Your ex is in for a shock. 50-50 is taking the piss when you're the main carer. The law is on your side here, use it.

I did see a lawyer ages ago who said def not 50:50 given his ability to get a bigger mortgage etc but it’s so expensive I can’t afford it. I work extra hours when I don’t have the kids to make ends meet as it is.
I feel depleted and deflated but I’ve booked a couple of days leave when kids at school so I can get my head round it all. I would have hoped that his conscience would make him give back my parents money. I told him he could keep his pension (already enormous compared to mine) if I could keep the house but he said no he wants his money out of the house now. He has always been controlling and selfish and he is livid I am living in the family home. It’s all he talk about with me, how I’m living in his house with all his lovely possessions. It’s like dealing with a toddler sometimes.
Back to the lawyer it is then. But sounds like I’ve lost my dads money or at least half of it. It was never intended for my husband but for me. Any decent person would realise that and give it back. Especially when they are earning very well themselves!

Unfortunately you didn’t protect your asset by securing an uneven split on the deposit of the original house or your current one. So no, you can’t straightforwardly get that money back. But I would fight for as much as possible.

As for the rest. I agree solicitor and take as much as possible. 50/50 under these circumstances would be bonkers.

When I got divorced my solicitor let me pay a small amount monthly to spread the cost. It was well worth the investment as I was in a similar position to you re money in the house, and I did get most of my money back when the house was sold.

Please, get a good solicitor and make sure that you come out of this with all the finances you are entitled to.

OP - divorce is a painful process and brings out the worst in people.
You H can be a decent person otherwise - but do not, DO NOT expect him to be that around the financial negotiations.
He will try to get max of what he can get.
It can’t be anything but ‘war’. So - be smart and don’t expect it hope for him to be anything other than hostile. Plan for it. Defend yourself.

Solicitors are expensive, but as you are married and he earns more money - you may be a to force him to pay. And by ‘you’ - I mean your lawyer will be able.
Good luck

Also - do not compromise this easily, and at this early process.
It’s NOT only money. You need to be able to raise your kids and not be constantly worried about making ends meet.
Do not give up your claim to his pension either. All assets are marital assets.

My XH wanted 50:50 and to keep his pension. He told me I contributed nothing to the marriage. (I was a SAHM, his career flourished. It’s what we both wanted).

I got 70:30 of the house, can stay until youngest is 21 and part of the pension (I could have been awarded 50% of it but chose only to have a proportion of the time we were together). It was remarkably straightforward thanks to a good solicitor. We used mediation. It made it slightly cheaper, and the solicitor sorted the court order. We also used a pension specialist which was about £300. XH paid the costs (his idea, he wanted to preserve savings for himself).

The majority of pensioners living in poverty are divorced women.

You need to protect your future as much as provide for your children now.

Also, make sure you have claimed everything you are entitled to (entitledto.com is a good starting point).

I have a friend who separated the same time as me and decided on a DIY divorce. She still hasn’t sorted things out financially and it’s cost her an awful lot more. It’s been nearly 5 years. Mine was done and dusted to Absolute within a year.

Please do not compromise or make agreements with him without seeing a solicitor.

You may think that it is too expensive and too stressful now but you WILL regret it 10,20, 30 years time if you do not make sure you do as much as you can to secure a decent financial future for you and your children.

You must see a solicitor. It’s not just the house, which you are now paying for and have children living in, it’s how you would afford to but elsewhere for your kids, you may get much more than 50/50. Then there is his pension, and other marital assets, maintenance for the kids and you maybe entitled to spousal support as well you never know. Please don’t just hand over 50%. You have the kids to think off

Thank you all. Very sound advice. Time to wake up and put my big girl pants on and stop acting like his friend to keep it civil!
Divorce is the worst stress anyone can go through I think.
I’ll book a meeting with my lawyer Monday, ask about a payment plan and get my ducks in a row. He won’t know what’s hit him as I’ve always been the passive peacekeeper!

Wait till he finds out you get half his pension.... That is the big kicker....

That’s more like it!

One thing that really helped us was that we agreed to only speak of divorce in the mediation room. It saved a lot of anguish and protected the children.

You can't afford NOT to get a solicitor. Yes it costs but will save you money in the long term given your circumstances.

You need to specifically forget about ring fencing the inheritance. The moment to do that has been and gone. However, all assets, earning capacity and pensions will be taken into account as part of a 'fair' divorce settlement.

There is some good advice about the inheritance. It was a gift from your father which you invested into the family. It’s not the issue you need to concern yourself about. And you must stick up for your rights because they are relevant to your children’s security so you need to ahead of this.

You have much more significant areas to dispute and in doing so you will get the money back. First up is to improve your current situation so you can afford a good solicitor. Have you asked the mortgage lender about taking a break from payments pending a resolution of the divorce. They might let you go onto interest only. Can you borrow a bit from family.

In the meantime respond to his offer in writing to acknowledge it. Confirm you are referring it to a solicitor for advice but in the meantime he should initiate mediation to resolve matters. Ask him to provide details of his pension so your solicitor is able to advise you properly on his offer and which will in any case be relevant to mediation and the final settlement. State now that you are no longer willing to waive your entitlement to a share of his pension in light of his latest offer. Stop making offers.

We’re socialised to ‘be nice’. Be the peacekeeper, protect the children, protect the feelings of others.

This is a business transaction, treat it as such by being professional about it. Stand tall and have confidence. (Or pretend to have confidence at least).

I had a very similar situation when I divorced. I’d been the one with equity in my house to provide the deposit for our house together. I also had money given to me by my DF to avoid inheritance tax, which was put into savings. My exH had only brought large debts which we slowly cleared together.

But we’d been married 16 years and as it was deemed a ‘long marriage’ all our assets were marital. I got a good solicitor and managed to get 2/3rds of our assets to enable me to keep the house as the DC were resident with me. I got some of exH’s pension. He earned 10x as much as me at that point as I’d been a SAHM because DS2 has SN. The £6k I paid to the solicitor was worth it.

I felt lucky (!) that my parents didn’t die until a few years after my divorce was finalised so my eventual inheritance wasn’t a marital asset.

GET A SOLICITOR.

It will be more than worth your while financially and emotionally. And will help you get the best for your children.

You will get more than 50:50 not just because he has a bigger salary but because you are housing three quarters of the family (if two kids) and him just one quarter (him)

SEE A SOLICITOR.

The fee can come out of the proceeds of the divorce (I think)

And it isn’t just the house: his pension is also a marital asset. If you do it all yourself he will waltz off with everything you could be entitled to. Yes, by being married you have put your Dad’s money into the marriage....also by being married his pension is an asset.

Marriage is supposed to protect women like you whose salary p/t work in being a parent has undermined your economic capacity. If you walk away without letting a solicitor claim your rightful rights all you have done is made marriage work against you. Where it should protect you.

Assuming you have all the paperwork proving that your inheritance went into the house deposit, then with a good solicitor, the right judge and a following wind you might be able to get a deal which can get it back.

However, as other posters have already said, the inheritance is likely to be viewed as a marital asset, so it's by no means certain, I'm sorry to say.

Just as an aside, did you pay tax on your inheritance payments? I know you can receive a certain amount a year without having to pay tax (I think it's £3,000) but any large amounts would be taxable. I think it also depends on how long after you received it your father died. I only mention this because if you are talking finances with a solicitor this might all come up and you should be prepared to pay some tax if you are eligible and haven't already done so.