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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend says, we can get together with your husband too

72 replies

dellacucina · 26/04/2019 23:10

How would you interpret this?

Not a recent one, but I think it's led me to back off from a friend.

She was flatmates/friends with DH first. I separately had thought of her as a friend and arranged brunch etc a few times. On one of these occasions, she said, "you know, you can also invite DH along. We don't always have to meet up alone."

I've stopped asking her to meet up and she hasn't reached out to me other than to invite me to her hen do (which I attended and enjoyed). When we see each other she is warm and seems to like me (she's a bit airy fairy too)

My assumption is she's not that interested in being my friend. Is this oversensitive?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 26/04/2019 23:11

Sorry- don’t understand.

TBDO · 26/04/2019 23:12

If she was also a friend of your DH, why did you always meet her on your own? Why were you not comfortable arranging to see her with your DH?

Digestive28 · 26/04/2019 23:12

It seems a big leap from a one off comment. Is there there a back story? If not then maybe oversensitive

Georgeofthejungle · 26/04/2019 23:13

If she was friends with DH first I think you are over thinking things.

AliceRR · 26/04/2019 23:15

Agree with PPs, I read it the same way. She was friends with your DH sinks saying she would meet up with him too. Doesn’t sound odd to me.

Are you usually jealous / possessive OP?

Lemoneeza · 26/04/2019 23:15

I think you are being over sensitive. Absolute worse case is she prefers friends in groups rather than one to one. Which is fair dos.
Are you really suggesting that she's after your dh?

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/04/2019 23:16

What?! That's the most absurd reaction ever!! She was friends with him first and you think it's weird that she'd have liked to have seen both of you?!

Sorry but I cannot see where you are coming from at all.

Reaah · 26/04/2019 23:16

She was his friend, before she met you, why are you not letting her, still be friends with your DH?

I assume she just wants a catch up with him and you're stopping that from happening.

PicsInRed · 26/04/2019 23:16

Yeah...something about that would have me cool the friendship slightly too.

Original poster
dellacucina · 26/04/2019 23:18

No, I am definitely not worried she is interested in my husband.

It's more that I know I am VERY sensitive, and I think I basically decided to stop trying with her after she said this because I interpreted it as meaning she finds hanging out with me as a girlfriend tiresome

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/04/2019 23:18

It's the alone bit. She doesn't see you two as friends in your own right.

She sees you just as her friend's wife.

That's what it is.

Original poster
dellacucina · 26/04/2019 23:20

To clarify, I want friends of my own and not to rely on my husband all the time. (I moved here for him). So I was trying to cultivate her as a friend for myself. No obstruction of other meetups with my husband or us as a couple.

OP posts:
Reaah · 26/04/2019 23:21

I took it to mean, she has regular catch ups with you, which she enjoys but would also like to have a catch up with DH once in a while too.

Original poster
dellacucina · 26/04/2019 23:21

(and there is a background to this. When my husband and I broke up for a while A few years back, she seemingly happily met up with me alone!)

OP posts:
AliceRR · 26/04/2019 23:21

Depends on the background / context OP I suppose

Maybe she does find it odd if she thinks of DH as her friend and you are the wife but i also read it as just meaning you shouldn’t think you can’t bring him along (I know people who don’t like it if we don’t meet 1 on 1)

AliceRR · 26/04/2019 23:22

I took it to mean, she has regular catch ups with you, which she enjoys but would also like to have a catch up with DH once in a while too.

Based on your update I agree with this OP

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2019 23:29

Of course she met you alone while you were separated, it would be nuts to say youre both my friends let’s all do brunch in that scenario! She likes both of you, to her it makes perfect sense to hang out together sometimes instead of just one on one.
But I think I remember you and your dh is a bit of a dick but you have residency issues so can’t quite leave? Which prob means you are more sensitive to keeping a friendship exclusive of dh.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2019 23:29

Apologies if I’m completely wrong!

LimeKiwi · 26/04/2019 23:39

Sounds to me like she wants to catch up with him too. If they've been flatmates/friends why wouldn't she?
Doesn't mean she wants to meet up with you any less. Just wants to be out with him and you too sometimes as well as he;s her friend too.

HappyLife21 · 26/04/2019 23:41

The way to make more friends isn’t to over analyse the friends that you do actually have, then ruthlessly cull them if found wanting Confused

Holidayshopping · 26/04/2019 23:49

The way to make friends isn’t to befriend your husband’s friend and then get cross when she suggests meeting up with your husband!

Butteredghost · 27/04/2019 00:13

I'm afraid I agree with your interpretation OP, she likes you well enough but doesn't see you as a friend in your own right. Just the DW of her friend.

Leaving the DH part out of it, I've had similar things with female friends. I ask them to do something, they ask who else is coming. When I say "I thought it would be just us", they say "oh well let's not bother" or "let's wait until more people can join us". Ouch!

LimeKiwi · 27/04/2019 00:23

I'm afraid I agree with your interpretation OP, she likes you well enough but doesn't see you as a friend in your own right. Just the DW of her friend.

If she shared a flat/was friends with him first though, she's friends with him too first. Why wouldn't she want to ask when you can all meet together?
They're mates.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 27/04/2019 00:25

The way to make friends isn’t to befriend your husband’s friend and then get cross when she suggests meeting up with your husband

^This^^

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 00:28

The way to make friends isn’t to befriend your husband’s friend and then get cross when she suggests meeting up with your husband

Yup!