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Relationships

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Original poster

Friend says, we can get together with your husband too

72 replies

dellacucina · 26/04/2019 23:10

How would you interpret this?

Not a recent one, but I think it's led me to back off from a friend.

She was flatmates/friends with DH first. I separately had thought of her as a friend and arranged brunch etc a few times. On one of these occasions, she said, "you know, you can also invite DH along. We don't always have to meet up alone."

I've stopped asking her to meet up and she hasn't reached out to me other than to invite me to her hen do (which I attended and enjoyed). When we see each other she is warm and seems to like me (she's a bit airy fairy too)

My assumption is she's not that interested in being my friend. Is this oversensitive?

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/04/2019 00:42

Your interpretation seems wildly out of whack with the evidence.

If she's been meeting up with just you for ages and did so even when you had split up with your DH then she quite clearly likes you for yourself and not just as a way to ensure she gets to see your DH (whom she could just call up and arrange to meet without bothering you at all).

dragonflyflew · 27/04/2019 01:47

I would feel the same as you op and I would leave her alone now and let her make the next move

hellodarkness · 27/04/2019 04:21

So she was your dh's friend but now you want her to just be friends with you, exclusively, no more friendship with him?

That's really odd and yes you're reading way too much into a single comment from someone who sounds like she was just trying to maintain a friendship with you both.

If you want a friend who has no interest in getting together with your dh, choose someone who isn't his actual friend!

Original poster

dellacucina · 27/04/2019 07:47

So she was your dh's friend but now you want her to just be friends with you, exclusively, no more friendship with him?

I didn't say that at all.

OP posts:

TBDO · 27/04/2019 09:29

I think you’ve been over sensitive. She mentioned having a wider catch-up and you’ve since cut down in arranging stuff with her unless she initiated it.

You’re over analysing and not just enjoying the friendship for what it is. There was nothing wrong with her suggestion at all, it didn’t mean that she finds it tedious to meet up with just you.

Theclearing · 27/04/2019 09:36

My best friend I met through her partner. Twenty years on I often go for dinner with them both!

LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 27/04/2019 09:40

The way to make friends isn’t to befriend your husband’s friend and then get cross when she suggests meeting up with your husband

Sums it up really

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 27/04/2019 09:43

I think you are way over thinking this.

You have cultivated a friendship with someone who is DHS friends.

She likes you, she is happy to be your friend but would also like a catch up with her other friend occassionally too.

Would you be happy if they arranged for coffee, just them 2? If not, you are saying she can only be your friend now.

Although I would find it odd that you cant socialise as a group. Ever

Holidayshopping · 27/04/2019 09:45

To clarify, I want friends of my own and not to rely on my husband all the time. (I moved here for him). So I was trying to cultivate her as a friend for myself

This makes you sound rather controlling, I’m afraid. I expect he likes her and would like to meet up with her as well

Eustasiavye · 27/04/2019 09:49

I think you are over sensitive.
She had a hen do so I presume she has her own dp and isn't interested in your dh in a romantic way. I take it as meaning that it's fine for your dh to come to catch ups with you.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 09:54

It's more that I know I am VERY sensitive, and I think I basically decided to stop trying with her after she said this because I interpreted it as meaning she finds hanging out with me as a girlfriend tiresome

Gosh that's a very odd interpretation. Extreme really. What she said meant exactly what she said on the tin, you can meet up individually or a s a group. That's fairly normal.

Your reaction is not and I don't know how you manage to maintain friendships when you break them off for something like this.

Reaah · 27/04/2019 09:56

To clarify, I want friends of my own and not to rely on my husband all the time

She was your husbands friend first and always will be.

You need to meet people who have not been friends with your husband first.

Join a few local groups/classes and meet your own friends.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 09:57

I didn't say that at all.

But you binned her as soon as she suggested it, so you didn't take the suggestion well at all.

UCOinanOCG · 27/04/2019 09:57

She was your DHGs friend before she was your friend and she would like to meet up with him sometimes too. I am failing to see the issue here.

UCOinanOCG · 27/04/2019 09:58

Don't know where that random G came from. Sorry.

Holidayshopping · 27/04/2019 09:59

So basically rather than going out locally and finding some new friends of your own, you want to steal DH’s friend and then stop them seeing each other!

Didn’t that used to be called Wendying on here??!

AliceRR · 27/04/2019 09:59

Don't know where that random G came from. Sorry.

I was trying to work out what a DHG was 😂

But agree with your POV

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 10:01

To clarify, I want friends of my own and not to rely on my husband all the time

This is just so illogical. Because she is your husband's friend. So you are relaxing on it. You're just trying to make her your friend and not his. It's honestly odd as fuck op

keepyerbrowson · 27/04/2019 10:02

No obstruction of other meetups with my husband or us as a couple.

Yet when she suggested meeting with you as a couple, you've taken it really badly.

FuzzyLilac · 27/04/2019 10:03

I think she is well rid of you.
Sorry but you have treated her badly because she is not all yours

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 10:06

She was his flat mate for goodness sake. They lived together.

Op, to clarify, the normal, reaction would be to say

Yes, I was thinking that too, why don't we organise a get together. Why don't you, or you and your partner come to dinner at ours? Or whatever.

Not to end the friendship.

Summersunsareglowing · 27/04/2019 10:07

You are definitely being over-sensitive in one way and completely insensitive in another.

She was your DH's friend first so there is absolutely nothing wrong with what she said about the 3 of you meeting up.

You were then totally wrong in backing off from her. She must be very confused.

You are also wrong in trying to cultivate a friendship with his friend and expect her to become your bestie. She is a friend of both of you. You can't expect her to compartmentalise the friendship with each of you. That is not normal behaviour.

Also, you have backed off from her and are then surprised that she hasn't been in contact. She is probably wondering why you haven't contacted her.

You need to stop being so childish. If you behave like this then why would she want to remain friends with you?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 27/04/2019 10:16

OP I have read some of you other threads.

You and your husband have big problems. He seems like a dick, you seem to have a drink problem (he possibly does too) and you seem quite controlling.

You sound very unhappy. The way to get happy is not to befriend his friend to create your own social circle.

Is this why you are so unhappy with her comment. It reminded you that she is friends with both of you. Not just you?

Tinkoschminko · 27/04/2019 10:17

It could mean that. Equally, it might not. And you’re not really close enough to ask. I probably would’ve left it. Better to have a mate and suspect that none.

Holidayshopping · 27/04/2019 10:17

OP I have read some of you other threads.

Ah, ok-is there a bit of a backstory?

It seemed a bit of a strange thing to get hung up on.

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