What secrets do you have from your DH?

[sarahj89]

I know people might not want to ‘out’ themselves here. I just wondered how common big secrets were in marriages/long term relationships.

Mine are:

• I was raped by a supposed friend when DH and I had just started dating. I never told him or anyone else about this and actually only acknowledged to myself that it was rape a couple of years after it happened. Just felt very ashamed for a long time, and now I don’t tell him because I don’t know what good it would do now and he would think less of me.

• I stalk DH’s ex online most days! Mad I know...

Nothing, but we have known each other for 27 years and we're in a tight knit friendship group. He can also read me like an open book. Can't even keep his presents a surprise!

Thanks @BossAssBitch it’s been an uphill battle but I’m glad to finally see the end in sight! 9 more months to go and I’ll be debt free, can’t wait!

All relates to a colleague I was in love with for two years (secretly), I came clean to the colleague in June last year as it was eating me up. Anyway he says he felt the same. It was just an emotional connection until September we started sexting. He called it off as he said he couldn’t do it anymore. Gossip went round and he blamed me for it (he thought I spread it) which near enough destroyed me mentally (I was suicidal and DP knows I was suicidal but not the reason why) as I felt paranoid everyone was gossiping about me, and was hurt that he didn’t trust me, and broken about the effect he had on me.

We didn’t speak for 6 months even though we worked together (excruciating).

Anyway we made up recently and got sexting again and almost had an affair, but thankfully we came to our senses that we were being horrible people and can’t continue. However I then found out who did spread the gossip and got really angry, and he defended her!!! Well, he’ll defend his “friend@ but wasn’t so quick to defend me in September. So now i’m really hurt and pissed off and seething most days and DP has no idea.

I’ll be glad when i’m Finally over this shit and never get into a situation like this again.

Small ones here and there... big one: I paid for private scans to find out the sex of our daughter because he was dead set on a surprise. I felt guilty but I really needed to know. He loved the surprise when I gave birth and I was just relieved childbirth was over.

I don't have any secrets from DH. I would not be able to sleep at night if I did

I got emotionally involved with another man my husband emotionally (and once physically whilst pregnant) abused me for a long time. I didn’t realise what he was doing over the 10 years as he was all I knew (childhood sweethearts) it was only after I met this man who treated me like an actual person with feelings that I realised how rubbish I had been treated. I managed to hide most of the abuse from my daughter who is autistic as I wanted to protect her as much as I could. Me and the guy was friends first for 2 years and then it became emotional, I would meet him at hotels and kiss, cuddle and watch films? Weird I know... I thought I loved him.. I just wanted to feel loved I suppose. We didn’t have sex. I felt so guilty I stopped speaking to the man and still carried on trying to make it work with my husband, I forgave him for everything and he’s (so far) been ok and changed himself. It eats me up with guilt everyday what I did.. most nights I don’t sleep over it. The guy also turned out to be gay!!! Things are much better now in the relationship and my daughter is doing well.. part of me wishes I never did it as the guilt is unreal and I have betrayed, but another part of me is glad I did as it made me stronger and he potentially saved me from self harming or worse. What a mess eh!

I bought a wedding dress and later decided I didn't like it. I bought another one. Both were expensive (but paid for by me).

When we just started dating (weren't serious yet) I wasn't over my ex and wanted to get back with him. I asked him over text a few times and talked about it, but he said no. I continued dating now DH, though I was upset ex rejected me. In time I came to see ex was a total tool and am so glad things worked out the way they did.

A year later ex contacted me to say he changed his mind, still loved me and wanted to get back together. I said no but never mentioned this conversation to DH.

He doesn’t know that I know he’s cheating on me. I saw the messages when he left his laptop open last week. I obviously need to deal with this but I have no idea how.

Also fan fiction.

Everything.

Quite often dh gives out to me for not telling him things. But I didn't realise I was supposed to tell him. So much stuff happens in life.

I try to keep him appraised of relevant stuff. But apparently my efforts are not good enough.

I'm not an automatic sharer.

No secrets from Dh.

that i havent told my family, friends and work colleagues except my DTeens that me and him are back together after he left me for a 3rd time.
I know i know i know.

Were not living together. I see him a couple of days and nights a week and i have to be sure....

He doesnt know they dont know

DH doesn’t know that I occasionally find long hairs on my chin/neck. And I’ll never tell him...

He doesn't know he'll be single soon and free/forced to move in with one of the women he messages when he thinks I'm not looking.

@OurChristmasMiracle same, my DH knows about my previous abusive relationships and the childhood mental/physical abuse but he doesn't know about the childhood SA I suffered.

He doesn't know I had an STI when we first starting dating we very luckily decided to both get tested before sleeping together. I had had a bit of a wild time before him but was certain I was fine, I was mortified when the results came in, I'm still not sure who it was from as the people I spoke to said they didn't have anything.

He doesn't know how serious my MH issues are, or at least is very ignorant to them. He's never suffered with anything beyond occupational stress and is very dismissive of other people's (and my own) MH issues.

Bit more lighthearted - He doesn't know I have had to pluck my nip hair every couple of days over the past few months.

That I signed up for the London Marathon ballot...

@DelphiMum haha nice one! I did the marathon on Sunday, I've promised no more next year but yeah I've accidentally signed up for the ballot again too

Wow these all seem pretty tame compared to mine but here goes anyway!
I have a secret drug and alcohol problem and function as a middle aged middle class career mother
I've cheated

Blimey some of these are quite 😱
I’m single so it’s really nice to know I don’t have to panic about telling anyone anything.
But when I was with my ex I guess the affair and the debt were the biggest things I kept secret. He still doesn’t know.

That my ex husband nearly killed me (he knows that he was violent but not the extent)
That I took 4 overdoses as a teenager
That I know the sex of our unborn baby
That the bunch of flowers I received for Valentine’s Day was from our neighbour (unrequited) and not a ‘whoops’ from Tesco

Hardest one for me that breaks my heart is that I know deep down he doesn’t 100% accept our sons ASD diagnosis, and that he is still waiting for a ‘cure’