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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What secrets do you have from your DH?

94 replies

sarahj89 · 26/04/2019 23:02

I know people might not want to ‘out’ themselves here. I just wondered how common big secrets were in marriages/long term relationships.

Mine are:

  • I was raped by a supposed friend when DH and I had just started dating. I never told him or anyone else about this and actually only acknowledged to myself that it was rape a couple of years after it happened. Just felt very ashamed for a long time, and now I don’t tell him because I don’t know what good it would do now and he would think less of me.
  • I stalk DH’s ex online most days! Mad I know...
OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 30/04/2019 22:14

My credit card debt is WAY higher than I've told him. £2.5k rather than £500.

Am chipping away at it hoping I can clear it before he finds out.

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/04/2019 22:16

Mine seems very trivial compared to some of the posters here.

Flowers
canyoufeedthedog · 30/04/2019 22:23

That my brother was in prison for murder. I was 15 we tried to distance ourselves as a family to protect us, the other children. Twenty two years now Sad

Drogosnextwife · 30/04/2019 22:31

Nothing really. I spend more than he knows about but it's nothing huge and he usually finds out when he notices the thing I've bought. I don't think I could live with secrets like some of these playing on my mind, and I can be quite a good liar if I need to be.

nespressowoo · 30/04/2019 22:36

I had a big tax rebate whilst on mat leave. I used it to top up my wages and do some nice things with DS like swim classes. I also paid for big things like arm chair, furniture, wallpaper and then we moved so paid for searches, survey fees etc. If I hadn't have had it I would've had to ask DH for a top-up.

StayingWithAuntySue · 30/04/2019 22:38

@GrandTheftWalrus please talk to someone in real life about your suicidal thoughts, the Samaritans? Or counselling ?

BetLynchStyle · 30/04/2019 22:39

@millythepink

@UnicornDust9

The first time it was a misunderstanding - I assumed he’d eat at our usual time with dc (I missed Sunday lunch) he made a light meal as he assumed we’d have a roast when I got home. He text to check how long I’d be so he could finish dinner, I felt bad so omitted to mention I was in a restaurant eating and just said I’d be back in an hour then went home and ate with him Blush

My friend thought it was hilarious so now it’s a stupid thing we do and I don’t mention it. I ought to tell him but it’s just a couple of times a year and I’ve just continued it.

Just before Christmas we’d just paid the bill in Wagamama and my friend went to the toilet when loads of staff lined up in front of me and one presented me with their customer of the day advent gift and started taking photos for their website. My friend returned to me looking mortified being photographed clutching this large gift and she was pissing herself at the prospect of my DH discovering my secret via me on social media as their ‘lucky’ customer of the day Blush

Chilledout11 · 30/04/2019 22:44

He doesn't know how many people i have slept with. It is nearly 20 but I think he would think it was 2 including him. I don't think anyone would guess at all.

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/04/2019 22:51

@staying I want to but then I feel like a failure admitting it. My DP does know some of it.

Its mostly over money and our complete lack of it. I just think if I were to die he would be better off etc.

naughtysecret · 30/04/2019 22:52

I've NC. My 'D'H doesn't know I checked his phone and can see he was in touch with an old flame. I'd previously asked if he'd heard from her and he said not for years. Text was deleted but it showed on Viber that they'd had contact in January this year. Now, what the hell do I do with this information without admitting I looked in his phone?

He's a shit isn't it?

Bbang · 01/05/2019 02:59

Debt 😬

He thinks it’s like £4000 it’s more like £10,000. I’ve paid off £2000 this year alone and will keep chipping away praying he doesn’t find out.

It’s trashed my credit so it’ll be years before that’s okay enough to buy a house which he wants to do.

buttyblahblah · 01/05/2019 07:19

SadKoala I've just discovered Supernatural FanFic, I'm now obsessed.

Drogosnextwife · 01/05/2019 07:22

naughtysecret

You tell him you know. His secrecy is a lot worse than yours, also you asked him an he lied to you.

Drogosnextwife · 01/05/2019 07:26

That was his secret, not secrecy.

IncrediblySadToo · 01/05/2019 07:45

bbang you need to tell him. If he wants to buy a house and your credit rating is fucked he needs to know. Plus, if he has money it would make sense to pay your card off and you pay him the money and save the interest. Head in the sand is going to cause more lies and more issues.

🌷 for lots of sad posts. Some of you really need to get out of your relationships x

Bigsighall · 01/05/2019 07:55

@PolPotNoodle
Have you heard of the lumea? Not for everyone and not cheap but just thought I’d mention it in case useful. There’s a thread going about it somewhere (maybe on the style and beauty board?)

Dljlr · 01/05/2019 08:01

I've got way more in savings than he thinks. It's my running-away fund and none of his damn business.

I think he has far, far more secrets from me.

upaladderagain · 01/05/2019 09:30

Sarahjp me too.

I was raped by a mutual friend, although at the timeI thought it was my fault. A group of us had been at my house and he was the last to leave.
Years later DH and I were talking about the group of friends and I said something about how I didn't think the guy was trustworthy and I would have been uncomfortable being alone with him. I guess I was just testing the waters re DHs reaction. He was very indignant and accused me of being unfair as he knew 'friend' thought a lot of me.
Needless to say I didn't tell him the whole story as I'm pretty damned sure he wouldn't believe me.

stucknoue · 01/05/2019 09:35

I have £20k stashed away. Just as well he wants to leave.

LunaTheCat · 01/05/2019 09:42

Mumsnet😬

HappyLifeError404 · 01/05/2019 10:20

I have so many secrets I'm hiding.

The number of people I slept with before we got together (my past is something he likes to pretend doesn't exist)

The fact that my supposed best friend/flatmate raped me in the early days of our relationship.

The debt I have hidden on a credit card.

My binge eating habits.

The affair I had some years ago (while our relationship was at breaking point).

How much I hate myself.

That I dream of running away.

That I'm not sure I love him anymore.

That I hate our lives, our house, being a parent, settling for comfort.

That I hate so much about him, and the lack of respect he shows me.

MiaWoman · 01/05/2019 10:47

It's good that you are sharing these out here- especially if you haven't told anyone about the first one.

Some things are very hard to say at loud and admit to yourself.

Shame is very common in the situation, but talking about really does help in the long run.

Why not choose a really trustworthy reliable friend to open up to or see a counsellor? It really does help.

Miax

MysweetAudrina · 01/05/2019 10:58

I don't have any secrets. I did have a big one for a while but it nearly broke me and our relationship so I told him. The fallout was bad and I really hurt him but our relationship is definitely much better now.

Bbang · 01/05/2019 10:58

@Incredibly my head isn’t in the sand in the slightest that’s really blummin offensive, I’ve worked really hard on my debt remedy plans and budgets.

I’m keeping it a secret which is my prerogative but you don’t actually know how I got into debt or the efforts I’m making to get out of it.

Everyone else got jokey responses to their confession might of known I’d get the lone arsey one 🙄

I’ve a huge PPI refund of £3000+ coming next month and I pay £500 a month on to the debt I was left with. It’ll be paid off completely by Feb 2020, he doesn’t have money but he’s started to save for his half of the deposit so when we are ready to buy in a few years my credit should be much improved.

BossAssBitch · 01/05/2019 11:31

Bbang there is always one Hmm well done for working so hard to clear your debts