What secrets do you have from your DH?

[sarahj89]

I know people might not want to ‘out’ themselves here. I just wondered how common big secrets were in marriages/long term relationships.

Mine are:

• I was raped by a supposed friend when DH and I had just started dating. I never told him or anyone else about this and actually only acknowledged to myself that it was rape a couple of years after it happened. Just felt very ashamed for a long time, and now I don’t tell him because I don’t know what good it would do now and he would think less of me.

• I stalk DH’s ex online most days! Mad I know...

@swordofgryffindor I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you too. I feel I can’t speak to my partner as it happened shortly after we got into a relationship (a long time ago now) and I always feared that he would misconstrue it as cheating.

I did a name change but am OP

I've got a credit card and some savings in case I need to leave my DP, that he knows nothing about. We've had a very difficult relationship in the past and I left him once shortly after my DD was born. It's become a difficult secret to keep as he's in debt and trying to get out of it, and I could help to a small extent, but I won't. Having the ability to leave without worrying is worth the potential problems in him finding out.

@BetLynchStyle, why can't you just tell your DH you're going for dinner with your friend?

To those who asked, I know because he has told me as much. Also, loads of little gestures over the years. It's not reciprocated because I think of him like a brother.

Milky that has made me really sad. I know there is nothing that can be done about it by anyone but still...

Name changed.

I have between 5-10k hidden away incase i need it.

His friend keeps hitting on me via messages which I just delete.

I had a ONS about 2 years ago.

I hide all the good chocolate to eat on my own

@BetLynchStyle - why can’t you just say your going for lunch? Just curious, not judging! My secrets are much bigger and there are probably more if I think.

Only 1 secret- similar to OPs. My partner knows I was sexually assaulted and that I’ve been a victim of rape and domestic violence.

He however doesn’t know that I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It only happened once. I never allowed myself in that situation again: I was 13 and I didn’t tell anyone- I felt ashamed. Like I knew it was wrong but I didn’t understand that it wasn’t me that should have been ashamed. I look back and think the same probably had happened to my older sister when she was a similar age to me. and she also never said anything. I vowed at the time my mum would never find out- as It was someone she trusted, she died without me ever having told anyone. I think that first experience tainted what I thought was normal and in a way enabled my now ex husband to abuse me further. Which led to me having no boundaries in relationships and eventually being locked in a room and raped by someone I trusted.

It’s taken a lot of therapy and self healing to be in a positive place now, but I’m still not able to go back to that place, not yet anyway. My boyfriend is amazing and I know it doesn’t change the way he looks or feels about me.

I am so sorry you were raped.

I told my OH about one lot of abuse I suffered as a child. He was awful to me about it, holding me responsible.

I was actually abused by three other people (one was a family member) my sister told him about that. Further awfulness to me followed.

I will never tell about the others, no one else knows about them so they won't slip.

The abuse was all suffered from age 8-14, I was a very lonely child, friends not welcome at home and not allowed out so I didn't fit into any social groups. Very disinterested parents . I think that made me a very easy target for abusers. I guess then I also married one.

Writing that, I need to do something don't I?

Vacant, your OH sounds awful

vacanthellhome you need to leave your OH. He is also abusing you. I’m sorry but he is.

It may also be worthwhile getting some counselling, as that’s how I broke the cycle.

How many people I’ve really slept with. Went travelling in my late 20s and had a lot of fun!

I’ve also got 6 months living expenses stashed away. This would pay off his credit card and pay for us us all to go on a nice holiday. We have quite different attitudes towards money.

How many people I’ve slept with I lied and said it was less than what it is. Think women are made to believe we’ll be thought of less by a man if we have slept with more than a handful of men.

I have more facial hair than I'd like to admit, and I shave it twice a day so he doesn't notice. This is the only thing I feel shameful about and don't feel comfortable with him knowing.

Everything else is "past" stuff and I don't feel shame or regret about so can discuss it.

Why would your husband feel less about you,love? You did nothing wrong! You were a victim of sexual assault! Perhaps you can find counseling for sex assault victims?

Where to start:

I'm on contraception

I'm not having serious menopausal symptoms that prevent me from having sex

This is such a silly thing but prior to meeting my DH I had vaginismus and I couldn't do the deed with previous partners. So my DH has no idea (or maybe he does but hasn't said) that I was a total virgin when we had sex. He was lovely though, he made me feel really comfortable and it got me over the psychological fear that was stopping me before and it wasn't as painful as I was expecting!

This is something no one at all knows about me and I can't believe I'm about to admit it but here goes.

The fact I google and read really embarrassing (for my age) amateur fanfiction of various fictional characters romancing the characters I thought would suit each other some of my favourite are from Naruto.
Not just any drivel a though it needs to be a solid storyline and great storytelling or I'm not interested.

I am a grown up mother of 2 and I guarantee no one in a million years would ever think I indulge in something so childish but it's my guilty pleasure.

I also love reading in general and read a wide variety of books but if I want some light reading I don't have to engage my brain in too much I turn to the above.

@vacanthellhome
Writing that, I need to do something don't I?
Yes I'm afraid so - but carefully with your preparations (getting your ducks in a row etc) discreetly and safely as his bad behaviour will probably ramp up if he is aware of your plans to leave/get stronger through therapy etc.

How is your relationship with your sister now - following her unauthorised revelation to your OH?

@SummersB oh god me too. Many hours spent on spikeluver. I couldn't tell anyone for years.

And sorry OP about being raped. Do you really think he'd think less of you? I suspect rape is far more common than we realise. So many women don't tell it don't talk about it

I’m so sorry OP 💐
Also others who have suffered abuse.

sundi you sound like you’re feeling guilty.
Is it over? Was it recent? 💐

There’s some sad revelations here.

I don’t tell my DH everything.

@sadkoala I read harry potter fanfiction. I just say I'm reading my stories. Exh and DP both know and dont care. I don't really tell anyone else.

My DP doesnt know the extent my drinking was at before he moved in with me. I would go to work covered in bruises and have no idea how I got them etc.

I put myself in so many dangerous situations that I would be shocked if it was someone else telling me that I'll never tell him.

I also have very dark suicidal thoughts a lot of the time of jumping in front of a train or a bus. I feel him and dd would be better off without me.

Linoleum that must be incredibly difficult to keep from your DH. Has it been going on long?