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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband said he would do housework for sex

83 replies

Workoverload83 · 26/04/2019 11:50

Not really sure to begin with this thread,I'm at my wits end and need some impartial advice.
Been married 5 years with 1 DC,I'm currently studying, working part time looking after DC and deal with 95% off all household duties.
Recently I've been feeling very overwhelmed I'm in the last phase of my course and am pushing to finish early . DH works full time in a manual job ,but once he's home from work he literally does nothing.
I've repeatedly asked for help ,last night I asked again and explained it's his house and child too and I'm demented trying to keep up with everything.
He basically sat watching the TV saying he works hard and he does what he can.
Then he said if we had sex everyday I would happily help more in the house. As if I'm some sort of call girl. He wasn't joking and I'm actually horrified .
The marriage hasn't been going well but this is a new low. Am I overreacting or Am I right to think up yours!!.

OP posts:

acalmerfuture · 26/04/2019 12:18

it benefits us both when I qualify

Make that 'both of us' mean you and your child. He is utterly disgusting.

Why on earth would any man even want to have sex with a woman who was only lying there with her legs open so that she can get some 'help' with cleaning the toilet? You're meant to be in a partnership with this man. It's his job to carry his weight domestically and with your child. It's not something you should have to buy with sex like a particularly low cost prostitute. And he can't even see that it's a problem. He's sure told you who he is. Believe him.

TheLazyDuchess · 26/04/2019 12:18

And yes to what EKGEMS wrote! Please say this to him!

AnnaMagnani · 26/04/2019 12:18

He is hindering you because presumably once you qualify you will either be a higher earner than him, or more highly qualified with a route to a career which will make you a higher earner.

And you will be hanging around other people, possibly men, who are far more intellectual than him and it is threatening for him.

He prefers the status quo where he is the man of the house on a manual job, you are at home with the kids, with a part-time poorly paid job, he does nothing around the house - but he might make an effort if there is sex in it for him.

It's like a 70s kitchen sink drama, and if it has been bad for a while I'm sorry it will only get worse

letsgohooray · 26/04/2019 12:18

Tell him that with your studying, childcare responsibilities and part time work, you too are tired so a) no sex as you are exhausted and b) like him, you have worked hard all day so in the evening, you too can do what you want. Then bugger off out.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 12:19

Or you could agree to the idea, but only if he does the housework in nothing but a sex shop maid's outfit and 4 inch heels. See how he likes being objectified.

Holidayshopping · 26/04/2019 12:19

The daft thing is, if he pulled his weight around the house, you would most likely want to have sex with him more!!

cliquewhyohwhy · 26/04/2019 12:19

He has no respect for you, your relationship or your child! I would finish your course off then either leave or kick him out. Do you rent or own?

category12 · 26/04/2019 12:20

Maybe he's supportive in theory and superficially, but underneath actually fears you becoming more independent (and possibly the greater earner)?

Maybe he's a lazy barst and is supportive in theory, but not when it inconveniences him.

Anyhooo, he'd be getting no sex whatsoever after that conversation if it were me.

You've got to think long term as well, when you qualify, are you anticipating working full-time? What happens when he still won't muck in? You really need a big improvement here, if you're to stay together.

NameChangeNugget · 26/04/2019 12:21

Seems a sad relationship for both of you.

You should not have to put up with that though. Terribly disrespectful

TatianaLarina · 26/04/2019 12:21

I’d say change or go.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 12:22

More seriously you could introduce him to the concept that foreplay starts at breakfast. If he doesn't treat you with love and consideration outside the bedroom you're not going to fancy sex with him later.
Of course not. It's a no brainer.

RomanyQueen1 · 26/04/2019 12:22

This is common in our marriage and works both ways, get him to give you sex for doing his share of the chores.
It only works if you are on board and obviously not for your relationship.
Sounds like it's the end of the line for you two.

Hearhere · 26/04/2019 12:23

This tells you a lot about how he views sex, offering to do housework in exchange for daily sex tells you that in his mind there is some equivalence between sex and housework
he views sex as a chore that you perform for his benefit

SkinnyPete · 26/04/2019 12:23

Ha, what a dick. He's just hit the nuclear button on your relationship with that. Tell him to own his shit, or get the fuck out.

Can't see how you could be attracted to someone like that long-term.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 26/04/2019 12:24

Pulling his weight in life is not 'helping'. I wouldn't want to have sex with a chauvinist bastard like him.

LannieDuck · 26/04/2019 12:25

I'm curious, how much housework/childcare does he think he ought to be doing?

You're working PT and studying PT, which is equivalent to his FT job. So how much time does he think you ought to be doing? If you're both doing equivalent FT work, why do you have to do all the housework/childcare and he does none?

I guess I'm wondering at his logic.

On a more practical note, stop doing everything that you can for the last two months of your course. Cook for yourself and child but don't bother for him. Forget about his laundry. Can you set up an online shopping order that you just get sent every week without having to think about it each time? Can you afford to employ a cleaner for two months? Anything that's not absolutely vital will have to wait.

BoldMeDontAtMe · 26/04/2019 12:26

Ugh.

Hearhere · 26/04/2019 12:27

He works full-time in a manual job presumably because he doesn't have the qualifications or ability to do anything with better prospects, he wants to be the man of the House, the breadwinner, the most important person with all the power
you are studying presumably for a better career with prospects, you will overtake him, he doesn't want that, he is sabotaging you

Original poster

Workoverload83 · 26/04/2019 12:29

Thanks for all the replies, we own the house jointly so it is half his responsibility as far as I'm concerned.
Agree with you all the comments have put me off totally ,things need to change or it will be the end of the line .
Just shocked by his blatant disrespect !
We are meant to be at a party tomorrow night ,DC with grandparents so we would of had a perfect opportunity but not now. Not sure I want to go anywhere with him.

OP posts:

TheLazyDuchess · 26/04/2019 12:37

I agree, you shouldn't do any of his shit any more, laundry, cooking, dishes etc. Why should you? Let him do it himself. Just ignore it. If you have guests or whatever, apologise for your dh's mess, but don't give in. And I'd also recommend investing in a decent vibrator, if you haven't already.

BlueJag · 26/04/2019 12:38

If he works hard can you get a cleaner? You'll be less tired and mire willing to have sex. I'll test the waters because my feeling is that he is going to say no to having to pay. My advice is to do less for him. Unfortunately women do much more in general.

acalmerfuture · 26/04/2019 12:38

offering to do housework in exchange for daily sex tells you that in his mind there is some equivalence between sex and housework
he views sex as a chore that you perform for his benefit

Excellent point.

crazychemist · 26/04/2019 12:41

He thinks housework is your job, so you should have to give him something (sex being something you give him, rather than something you enjoy together) as “payment”.

You should be disgusted by this attitude.

What do you want to do about it? He’s made it very clear that he thinks all housework is your job and that he doesn’t take any responsibility for them. This is never going to change. You will either have to take full responsibility for all housework for the rest of time, or you will eventually leave him when you can’t take any more. It doesn’t sound like your relationship is going well anyway, so surely it’s best to cut your losses? Why waste any more time on this guy?

SleepingSloth · 26/04/2019 12:44

He is disgusting, he doesn't see you as his equal, so for me it would be the end of the relationship. I'm sure he has some 'interesting' views and ideas on other things as well.

Looneytune253 · 26/04/2019 12:46

Lol this is shocking. I don't agree with his proposal (it's disgusting) but if I was you I would go along with it (on your terms) and state that if he starts by pulling his weight for a full week then you can consider more regular sex if he keeps it up. If you could bear it that is. But I can't imagine him actually pulling his weight properly for long enough.

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