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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I’ve lost my whole family...

56 replies

GreyCloud81 · 26/04/2019 09:24

I have a posted on here a few times in the last week, so there are various threads about my circumstances with my exP. the problem is the anger and shocked stage is wearing off, and I’m starting to reflect on what has actually happened.

I’ve lost my whole family.... it’s like they have gone out for the day and never returned.

There’s still the dirty clothes sat in the wash basket, their beds unmade, pictures on walls, toys everywhere, car seats in the car, it’s horrific. Everything is still where it was left.

I know the answer is to get some bin liners, bag it all up and get rid. But it’s not just a room, a few belongings, it’s a whole house. It’s not just my exPs belongings, it’s the SDCs too.

I was probably too “invested” in the family life, from just a step parents perspective. But we where a family, I did everything I could to make this a family and a happy home. This was encouraged by my exP, and now it’s just feels like he has tortured me, and my MH, as he was cheated and building a new life, whilst I raised his DSC. leaving me to bring up and look after his DSC for years, whilst he was out “working” is horrible, He said it was to earn money for our future and new home, in reality he was setting up his new life with the OW.

It’s my house, which is why I haven’t left.

He says he doesn’t want anything out of the house, and that he has built a new life for him, OW and the DSC. I feel so bad for the DSC as the teddy’s they have slept with for years, certificates they have achieved, photographs, are all things you can’t just replace.

OP posts:

TheBouquets · 26/04/2019 09:36

An interesting subject which I will watch.
I have no idea why people would not want things like drawings and certificates from their children. I think of those as prized possessions even if they have no value to anyone else.

Thebookswereherfriends · 26/04/2019 09:40

That sounds terribly sad. If I were you I would put anything you deem important to the children in a box and offer it to ex, if he refuses it I would hang on to it, but shove it in a cupboard/up in the loft. The children may ask for it at a later stage, although it sounds like their Dad has form and they may be used to their stuff being treated as disposable.
Take care of yourself and reclaim the house as yours without all their stuff around, that way you will start to move on.

Remieatscake · 26/04/2019 09:45

Oh OP, you (rightly) sound so sad!
The mind boggles regarding your ex! Does he care about his children at all!? It can't be good for them to go from you being a solid figure in their life to poof - nothing at all
From an outsiders perspective, with no emotional attachment I can see you (in the long run) will be far better off without this man in your life and you have a wise head on your shoulders - you have kept the house in your name -VERY very wise of you

However I have a step daughter who I am close too and the thought of this happening would break my heart so I feel so much empathy for you - right now the world much seem very black

On a practical level - can you take the children's belongings to their mum's house? Do you have that sort of relationship with her so the children don't miss out on having their belongings.
In the case of his things, the nice part of me saying give him a set date that he has to collect his belongings by and if they are not collected by then pack them up and send them to charity shops/sell them etc. The horrible side of me says have a bonfire....but that may not help things long term!

Alternatively is there anywhere you can go for a few days (apologies, not sure of your ££ or work situation) but a few days away even at relatives or by the beach may be beneficial. Also if getting rid of certain possessions is difficult can you ask a friend or relative to do the bulk of it whilst you are away?

Lot of heartfelt hugs for you

FuriousVexation · 26/04/2019 10:49

Oh OP that's awful. What a twat he is. I totally empathise as when my last LTR ended I really missed his family, who I'd grown very close to, but had to cut them off for the sake of my sanity.

Can you get 2/3 big "moving" boxes and just pack everything up and put it in the garage/shed/to one side? Then it's not upsetting you every day.

onalongsabbatical · 26/04/2019 11:15

Oh honey that sounds really horrific. You are in shock, it's like a death (I had similar years ago). I might try and post more later but just wanted to send you a few words and a hug and these.
Hang in there. You can remake a life. Sadder but wiser.

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 26/04/2019 11:37

Thanks for the replies. Today is horrific and probably the worst one yet. Knowing they won’t be coming home.

I’ve tried speaking to him, but he has just blocked all contact. Even messaged off the DSC Ipad, just saying can we sort their belongings and the business out. No reply.

I feel so much for the DSC. yes they weren’t my children, but after having a SB and a number of MC in a previous relationship, this was my first taste of being a family, and he wanted to ensure I was treated like a mum.

I would take their belongings round to their bio mum, but she is the one who “flits” and where they don’t have anything. He always made a point of how here they had a happy, stable home, with memories and belongings.

OP posts:

ShinyShoe · 26/04/2019 15:13

How awful. You’ve been completely used :( how old are you? It sounds like you really adored having children. Could you think about having your own child?

MyloJesse · 26/04/2019 23:15

Those children will remember all you did for them but now it's time to rebuild your life x

DPotter · 26/04/2019 23:20

The thought of the kids loosing their teddies is very sad.
Are you able to contact other family members and ask for their help in re-uniting the children with toys etc?
Just bin his stuff

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 23:23

Can you post the certificates and awards to his house?

This is the man who has had a vasectomy isn't it. This man is not worth it...not for a minute.

ScreamingLadySutch · 26/04/2019 23:27

So sorry for your pain. Just keep breathing, and take one day at a time.

Read as much as you can about narcissistic abuse.

Don't worry, he will be no different for OW. He is a user OP, none of this is your fault.

Cherrysoup · 26/04/2019 23:32

How old are the DC? Can you contact them and give them back their belongings?

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 26/04/2019 23:37

@SandyY2K
Yes this is the same man.
I don’t know where he is living at the minute, he slept in his car last weekend with the DC.

I know I hope they don’t forget me, as I won’t forget them.

@ShamuShamu I’m early 30’s. I can’t have my own DC, but I will look at other options in the future. I loved being a step mum and a family.

@DPotter It’s breaking my heart. Their birthday money, presents, etc. It’s horrible. I’ve tried contacting his mum, but she said keep it all. It’s like nobody cares about the DSC.

@ScreamingLadySutch thank you. One minute it’s ok, next it’s not. Hopefully each day will get easier.

OP posts:

bigchris · 27/04/2019 08:29

This is so sad, how long were you living with the children for ?

northerngirl2012 · 27/04/2019 08:34

You seem to be the one that’s functioning like a caring adult & not the parents or grandparents. I’d box up their stuff & get it to them somehow. But not yet, when it suits you.

TemporaryPermanent · 27/04/2019 08:36

I'm so sorry that this has happened. If he is living in his car he didn't manage to make a new life for himself or his children.

I think anyone in this situation should certainly keep the children's things and photos of time together printed out and in albums, so one if these days if the children ever need to know it was real, they have something tangible. But nobody has to do that straight away.

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 27/04/2019 10:36

They lived her for 2.5 years. It’s not a great deal of time, but due to their ages. I’ve know them since being very young. Done all the little milestones with them, like starting school, potty training, learning to read, writing their name, swimming, ride a bike etc...
looking back now I realise I was the only one around during these occasions.
At present I’ve just placed everything in their bedrooms, hoping in a few weeks it’s might be easier, to sort through their belongings.

He thought he has made a new life for himself and the DC, however I told the OW about me. She didn’t know, and put a stop to their relationship (hence why they slept in the car). She thought his DM was helping him the DC. It’s now been “spun” now that I was a family friend who helped raise the DC, like I was hired help, and that i crazily fell in love with him and made up this fantasy that we was together. So they are back to playing happy family’s now.

OP posts:

tenredthings · 27/04/2019 10:41

This must be so hard for you because you sound like a caring , empathic person who's played a really important role in theses DC's lives. Your ex partner seems so devoid of empathy he may well be a sociopath.
Is there anyway you can keep contact with Dc through their mum ? Even if just for birthday cards etc. So they know you love them ? Your ex has been more than happy for you to look after them whilst he looked after his own needs. I reckon he'd be more than happy to exploit use your kindness in the future to have time off from his Dc. Could you maintain a relationship with his kids without him ? Probably too raw and painful to contemplate now , but over time could perhaps be achieved.

category12 · 27/04/2019 10:54

Box it up and save it for them somewhere.

mcmooberry · 27/04/2019 11:11

God you poor thing, this sounds dire. Of course you feel bereft at the moment but time and perspective will make you realise you have had a lucky escape from him (not the children) and, believe me, unlikely as it feels now, you will be happy again one day, I hope sooner than you think. Sending you a huge virtual hug and I am not a huggy person xx

barryfromclareisfit · 27/04/2019 11:20

Standing with you, in a virtual way. When you are ready, sort and save the stuff, and throw away the things no-one would want. The child/ren will one day value that you cared. I know this because, when I was a teacher, I liked a boy’s drawing so much I stuck it to my desk. Many years later he came to parents evening as a dad, and was so touched to see his work still there that I let him take it home at last!
MNers don’t do hugs, but I send you one anyway. It isn’t wrong that you are a caring person, ready to give love to others. Give much love to yourself in this time, be kind and compassionate with you.

stucknoue · 27/04/2019 11:27

So sorry for the kids really, he isn't thinking what's best for them. Hopefully he will realise and at least meet you to receive their things.

Longer term you have a lot of love to give, why not look into fostering or adopting as a single person - I'm not saying it's easy or will replace the children you grew to love but having friends who have adopted I see the difference you can make in a child's life and I myself have a meeting with the foster team next week.

Shadycorner · 27/04/2019 11:33

Greycloud Sorry you have going through this and have been so badly deceived and let down.

I haven't read your other threads but from just this one it seems these DC are being badly let down by their bio parents. So please hang on to, and take some comfort from the fact that having had you in their lives, even for just 2.5 hrs, at such a critical time in their "early years" development, when attachments form, means that they are in a much better place than they would have been without you and may even have a stabilizing influence on their future development too.

8FencingWire · 27/04/2019 11:37

Right, lovely, you need to put all the important stuff in a couple of boxes for them, give them to the grandparents maybe? You’ll find out where they live eventually, just place them in front of their door.
Contact women’s refuge centre near you and give away everything they’ll take. Charity shops for beds and furniture etc.

Then buy white paint and paint the whole house.
Then look after yourself. Just pour all the love you have back inside. Go away for a few days if you can. Start rebuilding yourself.

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 27/04/2019 11:51

Thank you, your kind messages have made me well up, and the hugs (although virtual) send comfort.

The DC had a sketch pads from when they moved in. Every month we would do a new page. A drawing, their height, a picture of them, what they have learnt or achieved that month. It was of them building memories from their childhood, to keep forever. How can he just leave it all.

Their bio mum, has said I can retain contact with them. However given her history and hatred towards my exP, I’m worried that this would be a tool and game with her (also) exP and not for the benefit of the DC or in any form putting their needs first. We where in the process of seeking custody, and SS where coming to complete a home visit next week. ExP has always used the position that we both had stable jobs, lives, loving home etc... against his ex.

We had always discussed that if we separated for any reason, that the relationship would always be retained. However as he has betrayed me in such a vile way, and gone NC, I don’t see that happening. It’s hard, as I hate him and what he has done, but I love the DSC and they haven’t done anything, but are probably the ones being most impacted by the circumstances.

I’m going to get some boxes today, and put some belongings in, which will be great memories for them, and their favourite toys, teddy’s etc. When I’m ready I will then donate their clothes, furniture, and toys to children in care, hospital and refuge.

OP posts:

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