I feel like I’ve lost my whole family...

[GreyCloud81]

I have a posted on here a few times in the last week, so there are various threads about my circumstances with my exP. the problem is the anger and shocked stage is wearing off, and I’m starting to reflect on what has actually happened.

I’ve lost my whole family.... it’s like they have gone out for the day and never returned.

There’s still the dirty clothes sat in the wash basket, their beds unmade, pictures on walls, toys everywhere, car seats in the car, it’s horrific. Everything is still where it was left.

I know the answer is to get some bin liners, bag it all up and get rid. But it’s not just a room, a few belongings, it’s a whole house. It’s not just my exPs belongings, it’s the SDCs too.

I was probably too “invested” in the family life, from just a step parents perspective. But we where a family, I did everything I could to make this a family and a happy home. This was encouraged by my exP, and now it’s just feels like he has tortured me, and my MH, as he was cheated and building a new life, whilst I raised his DSC. leaving me to bring up and look after his DSC for years, whilst he was out “working” is horrible, He said it was to earn money for our future and new home, in reality he was setting up his new life with the OW.

It’s my house, which is why I haven’t left.

He says he doesn’t want anything out of the house, and that he has built a new life for him, OW and the DSC. I feel so bad for the DSC as the teddy’s they have slept with for years, certificates they have achieved, photographs, are all things you can’t just replace.

@8FencingWire such good advice. And such a lovely post. Just pour all the love you have back inside. We all need to learn how to do this when we've been wounded. It's a life skill. Hope you're doing ok OP. Look at how much love you have inside you! It shines out in your love and concern for the children and how much you're missing them.

Oh god OP my heart is breaking for you, I was in tears at your opening post.

I have no practical advice but would echo other posters who have said to box up the most treasured possessions in the hope you can pass them on to the children, especially the teddy bears. My daughter would be lost without hers.

You know don't you that the man deserves none of your headspace and that you are lucky to be away from him. It's just so sad when children are involved.

Did you end up telling his new partner he had a vasectomy? I don't think he is going to engage.

Some people will think it is better to make a clean break. Maybe this is what he thinks.

Sadly, you have to move on without the stepchildren. I don't think it would be healthy you having them in your life at the moment because they will only tell you what their dad is doing, which will only hurt you further

@Whichwayforward
Yes I told her, she didn’t reply until late last night. But I think she was just checking on where my exDP was, rather than acknowledging the message. She said having kids was the last thing on her mind.

I think he thinks it should be a clean break, but then I don’t see how that is fair on me (who is left to deal/cope with it all) or the DC.

I keep telling myself he didn’t deserve me, and that things will get easier. Just struggling to see the light at the tunnel. I just keep waiting for them to run in the door, And every time I close my eyes to try and sleep, I here them shouting (they woke up a lot during the night)

Oh op l feel so sad for you, l read your last post.....

The sdcs will be very upset by this, they have lost their home ,you and their personal things, you sound so kind please hang on to that for their sakes.

Keep all the precious things, put them in plastic boxes and put them out of sight but where you know they are safe. Or could you drop them off at the OWs house if they are permanently there?

I know this is above and beyond but they must be suffering horribly without their teddies etc..if not tuck them in the loft for now..

The sdcs will get older and may contact you, they will be so very delighted that you cared enough to do this for them and have their things back.

Then make yourself reclaim your home, you will begin to feel better bit by bit...and think about your options for your future...start planning.

I wish you luck and send a hug.

@Dragongirl10
She claims they aren’t there, but I don’t believe anything anyone says right now.

Today I’m trying to box everything up, and reclaim so space in my home. It’s hard though, and I just keep breaking down. It’s horrible as there is SO much stuff, every corner of every room and every wall, is full of belongings, pictures, memories.

I just can’t stomach that someone can so selfishly do this. Especially with no history of arguments, DV, anything’s. We have alway been so grown up and civil in the relationship.

GreyCloud81 could it be that he didn’t want confrontation before he left ? Perhaps he didn’t want to create an atmosphere.

You sound extremely hurt, but I would box everything up and just store it somewhere. Refurbish the house as much as you can, have some friends round and create some new happy memories.

Really hope you get over this fast

That's an awful situation. Were they all living in your house? The thought of those poor children sleeping in a car makes me want to cry.

bag/box everything up and take it to his Mothers.

@Hollowtalk yes they had lived here 2.5years. Grown up here.

@Itsnotme123 I don’t know the reason why. We usually quite good at talking. So this was just a huge shock. The fact there has been NC since, is also hurting. As it’s just like he has left me to deal with everything, pre booked holidays, cancelling the solicitor and the house purchase, all his belongings and the kids belongings, we have a business together part time, and we also work together in are day to day jobs (indirectly). In the last week I’ve had to keep explaining the situation, which just tares me apart. How is any of this fair??its crushed my MH.

@BumbleBeee69 His DM has said to me to leave it, and not come near. It’s heartbreaking as it was only a few days before that we was having a dinner out together, and looking at holidays, talking about the future.

So he moved himself and his kids into your house and now he's treating you like this? That's appalling. I bet you covered most of the costs, didn't you? That furniture for the children, those clothes - did you pay for them?

So just dump it all at her door.. you don't need her permission to dump his stuff.. or need to be invited in for a chat.. Fcuk them OP.

@Hollowtalk
Yes I covered most of the costs for the house, in terms of mortgage payment, bills etc. Quite glad I did now, as he doesn’t have any hold or right to the house.
In terms of the DC stuff, He paid for a lot of their furniture, clothes and toys initially. But in the last 6 months I found myself paying, with the promise I will transfer it over to you.
We ran a business together, I paid all the insurances etc... and now and again took a wage out of it, which I used for the DC, but he obviously kept his share and money to use towards building his new life with the OW. He told me the money he saved, and money from the company was in a savings account, so we could use that for OUR new house.
I’m quite luckily as I have quite a high paid job. But over time my savings have reduced.
I could sell the stuff in the house, to reciprocate some money. But it’s not about the money.
He trying to take the business though, as he wants to run it with the OW, and has asked last Friday for me to transfer everything to him, and he will arrange collecting of the assets. Which I’ve refused.

Oh my word OP. This is horrific. I am sending you much love and support from across the web.

In all of this (as much as you) my heart gos out to those poor dear children.

Op don't give an inch on your business ...how dare he...

@mavericksnoppy
Thank you.
What’s happened to them, and how they have been treated is also my main concern, worry and upset too.
They loved the fact that they had a happy home, they had friends, and extended family. They had belongings, memories etc...
DP use to always say (last time being 5days before he left) that soon I would share their name, we would have a new home. They where excited for our holiday. Now they are just left confused.
I wish I could just shut off my thoughts... This isn’t that he has just left, he has betrayed me. All them happy memories we had made, have been tarnished.
He has claimed to his DM, that I was just with him for the DC. That isn’t true in the slightest, I loved him, the package, the DC, the family life, I loved working hard, to provide a home for us all, to support him with his business, all because I loved him!!

@Dragongirl10
I’m not going to give him anything from the business, I’ve had it valued, and have some potential purchasers lined up. Solicitor meeting tomorrow, to ensure I have the right to sell it, as I have all the paperwork to prove my ownership.

So glad to hear that, of course people matter more than the money but at the moment you cannot fix the rest, so at least ensuring you are financially stable is a good starting point to your future.

It is trully shocking to hear the level of his deception......

Please be kind to yourself to help you to heal..

Op it has clearly been so tough for you, am glad to hear you are getting legal advice. Ex was clearly not right for you, like you I feel for the kids, so much upheaval for them. He is under estimating the damage he is doing to them. Stay strong. Do things you like 💐

@DragonGirl10 I have the DSCs savings account books. Which we both paid money into monthly. When I sell the business I will put 50% (his share) into their accounts, and then stop my monthly payments.

The level of deception and lies is horrific, and I cant believe there is someone as (if not worse) vile, as my previous LTB.

If he owns 50% how can you sell it? And if you knew he was sleeping in a car with his dc you should have told social services.

I'm not sure of the legality of deciding where his money goes to. I can understand that you want to, but you can't put his money into the children's accounts. I'd certainly stop payments of your own money, though.

@Noeuf
There is nothing legally to say that he owns any part of the business. There is not partnership agreement in place etc. the assets of the business I have proof of purchase for (from my own accounts), the insurance is in my name, the registered person and address is mine. If I put the money into the DSCs accounts it’s a gesture of goodwill from me, to them.

This is what I’ve been advised off the solicitor, but going tomorrow with my paperwork to clarify before any sale agreement is made.

I would have told SS, as they are already involved in the DSC care and aware of the behavioral problems the DSC have. However I wasn’t aware of this until after the event.

My god. What a wOman is all I'm thinking!

I'm going through something similar atm)(husband left me two weeks ago without warning and we have a 7 month old son) and I feel your pain. They're not men and I just have no words to describe how vile and discusting their behaviour is. X

Can someone please tell me that this gets easier...

Last night awful sleep, every time I fall asleep I just have nightmares. Tried to go back to work today, first phone call, I burst in to tears. Then spent most of the morning crying at my desk. This evening I went to look at a job for someone, trying to keep myself busy and focused on my work. Saw my ex (not to speak to), which was horrible. Finished the job then driving home, saw ex again with OW or should I now say GF.

So after being a zombie, crying mess all day, just wanting to curl up at home in bed... I can’t sleep again.

Just want all my ducks in a row, so I can move on with my life. But when he keeps throwing barriers up, how am I meant to do that!!