I feel like I’ve lost my whole family...

[GreyCloud81]

I have a posted on here a few times in the last week, so there are various threads about my circumstances with my exP. the problem is the anger and shocked stage is wearing off, and I’m starting to reflect on what has actually happened.

I’ve lost my whole family.... it’s like they have gone out for the day and never returned.

There’s still the dirty clothes sat in the wash basket, their beds unmade, pictures on walls, toys everywhere, car seats in the car, it’s horrific. Everything is still where it was left.

I know the answer is to get some bin liners, bag it all up and get rid. But it’s not just a room, a few belongings, it’s a whole house. It’s not just my exPs belongings, it’s the SDCs too.

I was probably too “invested” in the family life, from just a step parents perspective. But we where a family, I did everything I could to make this a family and a happy home. This was encouraged by my exP, and now it’s just feels like he has tortured me, and my MH, as he was cheated and building a new life, whilst I raised his DSC. leaving me to bring up and look after his DSC for years, whilst he was out “working” is horrible, He said it was to earn money for our future and new home, in reality he was setting up his new life with the OW.

It’s my house, which is why I haven’t left.

He says he doesn’t want anything out of the house, and that he has built a new life for him, OW and the DSC. I feel so bad for the DSC as the teddy’s they have slept with for years, certificates they have achieved, photographs, are all things you can’t just replace.

Does this get any easier? The days pass, but nothing seems clearer, the pain doesn’t get easier.

@GreyCloud, I'm so sorry for what you've been through💐
it's very early days yet, it sounds as if you are in a shock and trauma stage, would you be able to access any kind of counselling to help you move through it?
He sounds sociopathic / narcissistic and you have been the victim other kind of predator I think.

Routines are very important, they can give you a kind of structure to get through the day
is there anything that you can take or use to help you establish a regular sleeping routine?

I agree, I think he was a predator and that he was using you. Whether he really knew it or not. I appreciate it will be hard to believe because you were the one living it and who had all the wonderful moments and it's hard to truly believe that it wasn't real, or not all of it was real.

This is by no way a comparison but I once had a boyfriend, many years ago who was quite clearly using me. I spent a lot of money funding him but I was young and didn't know about chancers like him. One day he lost his home due to not paying his rent and was sofa surfing with friends. About a month later I answered his phone when we were out and he'd gone to the toilet (we both did this so it wasn't unusual) and a woman answered. I said he'd call her back but he was in the toilet. I told him and he said it was an old friend. It turned out that he was living with her and had told her he was single. He needed somewhere to live and she had a house. When I found out it all ended that second and I never got a penny back. She phoned me some months later after she found out about me. Turned out he'd been stealing from her DDs money box. There are real people out there like that!

You won't move on just like that. They must have felt like your children too. I think you have to keep talking about this as much as you can but also to try and do nice things for yourself.

@Hearhere
It’s only 2weeks, so I suppose this is still the shock stage. I just hate the NC, feel like I’ve been left to deal with everything. Which isn’t helping matters, as I generally feel like I’m drowning in responsibility and mess, whilst he is just getting on with his life with the OW. I go to counseling, have been for months, in reference to other issues. One minute I’m ok, the next I’m just a state and in a sense of panic.

I’m trying to get back to work, give myself a routine. See friends, sort out the house. But with so much stuff left to sort out and no possible way of doing so, I’m left with this black cloud over me.

@MaverickSnoppy
Thank you. I do feel used. It’s a horrible feeling, when you thought everything was fine, and that you had a future.

I am also kicking my self at missing so many red flags. Similar to you... an ex previous. Lived with me, after saying he couldn’t cope with his house share. One day a letter appeared in his gym bag from a mortgage, and showed that he has a whole other life and Gf, which he had purchased a house with.
The ex prior to him treated me so badly, and after our DD was sb and lots of MC. I thought he was my rock, as it was a shitty time. He also got made redundant, and I supported him. He set up a new life with an OW, and had a DC on the way, and a house, prior to me even finding out.

Seems like history just keeps repeating itself on me, and I never wise up. I just get used, taken for granted, and everyone I ever meet has a OW and completely separate life. Each of my ex’s are still with the OW, married, kids, family. Which just makes the pain even worse....