At my wits’ end. Please help.

[Pinkarsedfly]

I’ll try to keep it brief and outline the facts.

My dad is 85 and pretty much blind. Will not register as such, and we’re ‘not allowed’ to mention it. I do, of course, and am met with flat denial, glib jokes, general glossing over.
He also has a heart condition and COPD, plus he has prostate issues.

My mother is 80. She has lupus, plus osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, a crumbled spine and various nerve issues which cause her to randomly fall over. She also has cataracts, which she refuses to have treated. She uses a trolley to get around, but refuses to use any of the wheelchairs/mobility scooters etc that she has bought under duress, and even gets my poor dad to hide them if they have visitors.

They refuse all outside help. They have a gardener and cleaners, whom they moan about, but other than that, nothing.

My sisters and I have organised carers in the past - mum has sacked them.

This last week we tried to appoint someone to go in for one hour a day to make them their evening meal. Mum is now refusing to use them - the kitchen is ‘her domain’ apparently.

But they let my sisters and I run ourselves into the ground, shopping, cooking, ferrying them to appointments, etc.

The real problem is, I have a totally different attitude than one of my sisters. I’ve got to the ‘hands off and step back’ stage, as I think we’re enabling them to stay in an unsafe situation.

My sister falls for the manipulation every time, though, and then ropes me in. I can’t bring myself to say ‘no’ - what if a bad accident happened on the occasion I’d refused to go and help?

For context, I work as a tutor and am usually busy teaching across mealtimes. I live 40 minutes away, she lives just over an hour. My other sister lives down South and we have a brother who isn’t as involved.

What makes it worse is that my parents are seriously rich. They could afford round-the-clock care - but just refuse. They’d rather we did it all.

I’m becoming resentful, angry, sleepless and anxious.

What the hell do I do?

I’m sorry this is so long. If you’ve taken the time to read it, thank you so much.

You'll just have to be firm. 40 minutes away is probably 20-30 miles, so not exactly next door. Have they tried those ready
prepared meals that are delivered, and you just heat up? (Farm Fresh or whatever they're called?)

They won’t try them. ‘Don’t fancy it’.

Honestly, they’re like toddlers.

Sorry for brusque reply. I’m on next to no sleep and beyond frustrated

You’ll get more replies if you ask Mumsnet to move this to Relationships but getting back to your parents, when this happened to me and my sister, we had to get the GP involved to get my mother sectioned as she was a danger to herself and others as she’d reached the stage of setting things on fire and wandering at midnight. The church helped too. Sometimes you just have to step back. Try becoming as unavailable as your brother. Its a horrible situation I know.

Thank you. Their GP is pretty rubbish, but I’ll definitely suggest involving him to my sisters.

I’ll get the thread moved now.

Impossibly difficult. I'm so sorry.

Keep the thread here, there are some very knowledgeable people on here.

It sounds like the weak link here is that you don't have a united front as siblings. I would focus on getting them all together, including your brother, perhaps in your parent's front room, and thrashing it out.

Before this, decide exactly what you are willing to do- to carry on being a normal daughter but not to be a physical carer or personal assistant? It sounds like it. Lay that out to them. Say it on the phone to your sister, practice saying it out loud to friends or partner. Most of us find uncomfortable truths sticking in our throats when in front of our parents AND in front if vulnerable elderly people. The combination is deadly.

There will have to be a crisis, a fall, something. Either that or you will have to go on, probably both.

This sounds awful.
Can you get the cleaner to do more?
Shopping delivered to them?
They may like the milkman delivering staples? You could ring them the night before and order online for next morning delivery.
With the farm fresh - but them then present them to them wrapped as though you have cooked them at home to then be reheated for them?

They do have shopping delivered, but someone has to be there to help put it away. Ideally, it would be delivered on one of the days the cleaner is there - but up to now, that hasn’t happened. That’s something I can suggest.

Even being a normal daughter is difficult for me. They haven’t been the best parents, so there’s a tinge of resentment at their sense of entitlement, which I’m not proud of.

We’ve had these ‘family meetings’ before. They agree to have the cleaners more, get a home help, etc etc - then go back on their word by the next day.

It’s awful.

I think you need to be clear what you personally can and can’t do and stick with it. What your sister does is up to her.

So the idea of giving them high quality pre-prepared means is a good one. That will save you time and headspace. They will like them, I had some that are excellent after birth of second dc. If they don’t, then I’m afraid that is too bad.

It’s a bit of a pick your battles situation. Realistically you may have to give lifts to hospital appointments but certainly a cleaner could put away food deliveries etc.

I know this probably sounds quite obvious but I really think you need to look at what you do through habit and what needs to be done to keep them safe.

This sounds awful but having been through this with parents and pils to a certain extent you just need to cajole them into things that will work rather than asking them to make decisions

I remember seeing my mother’s lawyer support her in signing a power of attorney that she really was nervous about but that we knew would be needed. He was very skilful

Are adult social services involved? - if not, worth a try. Our District Nurse team Occupational Therapist was useful too. Not just because they have a good idea of what could go wrong and what help is needed, but also because they have experience of dealing with independently minded elders.

If there's money available, look to hiring someone specifically to put away shopping. Take advantage of needs your parents recognise.

Continue to take your firm line, and don't feel guilty. Yes, a bad accident could happen, but it's not your responsibility, it's your parents. And if they still have capacity, which it sounds as if they have, they have the capacity to make bad decisions as well as good ones, and to take the responsibility for the outcomes.

Caring is already taking its toll on your health - you'll be no use to anyone if you don't look after yourself first.

I've just looked at my father's care home "Care plan" - it's brought it home to me like nothing else could exactly how much effort goes into caring for him and keeping him healthy - certainly beyond the capacity of any one person. And yet he was living on his own without any carers, cleaners, meals on wheels etc up till the end of last November.

Hi there all,

We're moving this to relationships at OP's request.

Controversial reply here - I might be reading too much into this (and projecting) but they don't sound like they were the best parents to you, and just because they're old and vulnerable doesn't mean that they're now nice people.

They're actually being pretty selfish and controlling right now. They can't just decide that you and your siblings should be their carers!

Really feel for you - sounds like a toxic situation

Not controversial at all, Sizeofalentil

That’s a pretty bang-on assessment of the situation. They’re being pretty dreadful really.

It's the guilt of it all that eats you alive. I agree that you have to decide what your input will be and stick to your guns. I have been called every name under the sun for refusing to virtually move in with my mother. It's caused massive family ructions. She is too old to be living independently but will not listen to reason. Difficult aged parents will run you ragged and ruin your life in the process if you let them.

I have had to be very firm with my aged parents, dad is periodically ill, and mum will have me running all over the place, "can you just pop to the butcher" or the greengrocers or the market or or or .... I had to spell out the fact that I work full time and buy all my goods online as I don't have time to do that and certainly don't have time to do it for them.

When I say I don’t want children am often met with “but who will take care of you when you’re old??” - my response is what if my hypothetical grown children want to move overseas? Or have special needs of their own? Become disabled ? Have their own busy lives & families to care for?

What you describe sounds like two less than stellar parents, now continuing to dominate your whole lives & acting completely selfishly & with no gratitude or consideration for their children’s lives or feelings. Won’t even meet them halfway or compromise.

Are there cultural reasons why your parents act this way? after my nonno died my nonna, who had previously been capable of living independentently refused to spend even one night alone, or consider going to a nursing home, ever. My cousin moved in with her & is now her servant. In our culture it’s apparently an awful thing to do, send your parents to a nursing home, but I’m pretty sure as she is loaded she could go to an A+ lovely facility where she would have lots of other Italian people her age to socialise with, but she won’t hear of it. She is a miserable person who gets away with a lot because she is a frail little old lady.

Pinkarsedfly first of all you're very wise to have identified that they're doing this because, selfishly, they want the family to carry the lot. Of course it's unreasonable when they could easily afford the help you're happy to arrange, but sadly that's how some behave

Personally I'd advise a get-together of the siblings to discuss a way forward. Ideally you could then present it to the DPs as a done deal, but of course it's complicated by your DSis being more open to their manipulation. It's likely that your DPs will seize on this to pit one against the other, but if that happens all you can do is remain firm in what you're prepared to do and refuse involvement in what may follow

It's really not easy, as I know to my cost, but it can be done if you stick to your guns

Thank you all for your messages. It’s so difficult to stand firm in the face of emotional manipulation from both my parents and my sister.

I’m very cross with my parents. I’ll never do this to my kids, ever.

How about announcing that they need the cleaner at least 4 x week - call her the cleaner, but actually she is the carer?

Had a bit of a showdown.

I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s just a very unpleasant woman.

Oh blimey, that sounds awful. I think it was inevitable that a showdown was coming though!
Hope you're ok

Oh it’s the latest in a long line. I’m so done with it all.

Had a bit of a showdown. I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s just a very unpleasant woman

You may well be right; certainly it sounds as if she expects it to be her way or nothing

As always, though, we can't control others' behaviour, only our reaction to it. If she won't meet you halfway all you can do is decide your own limits and stick to them; your DSis might show a long face to start with, but faced with all the demands she'll probably reassess her position soon enough

If they accept having the cleaner and gardener and money isn’t a problem, would the cleaner like more hours? Set up food deliveries even if it is supermarket rather than ready meals, on a cleaners day. The cleaner could put the food away, tidy the fridge make them a cup of tea with the newly arrived cake etc. Better to have a cleaner in for 4 days a week at 2 hours a time rather than two days at 4 hrs a time. Cause everyday someone is going into the house and can report any problems back to you is one less day that you have to worry about. Would they accept an odd job man to do little tasks that they can no longer manage, changing lightbulbs, general maintenance etc. Could you set up a taxi account for them to use to go to appointments, socialising etc, maybe stick to going to as many medical ones yourself as you can.
Do you have medical and financial POA? If not could they be persuaded, before they lack the capacity to sign the paperwork, otherwise your problems will get much worse as they get older and more infirm.