I’ll try to keep it brief and outline the facts.
My dad is 85 and pretty much blind. Will not register as such, and we’re ‘not allowed’ to mention it. I do, of course, and am met with flat denial, glib jokes, general glossing over.
He also has a heart condition and COPD, plus he has prostate issues.
My mother is 80. She has lupus, plus osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, a crumbled spine and various nerve issues which cause her to randomly fall over. She also has cataracts, which she refuses to have treated. She uses a trolley to get around, but refuses to use any of the wheelchairs/mobility scooters etc that she has bought under duress, and even gets my poor dad to hide them if they have visitors.
They refuse all outside help. They have a gardener and cleaners, whom they moan about, but other than that, nothing.
My sisters and I have organised carers in the past - mum has sacked them.
This last week we tried to appoint someone to go in for one hour a day to make them their evening meal. Mum is now refusing to use them - the kitchen is ‘her domain’ apparently.
But they let my sisters and I run ourselves into the ground, shopping, cooking, ferrying them to appointments, etc.
The real problem is, I have a totally different attitude than one of my sisters. I’ve got to the ‘hands off and step back’ stage, as I think we’re enabling them to stay in an unsafe situation.
My sister falls for the manipulation every time, though, and then ropes me in. I can’t bring myself to say ‘no’ - what if a bad accident happened on the occasion I’d refused to go and help?
For context, I work as a tutor and am usually busy teaching across mealtimes. I live 40 minutes away, she lives just over an hour. My other sister lives down South and we have a brother who isn’t as involved.
What makes it worse is that my parents are seriously rich. They could afford round-the-clock care - but just refuse. They’d rather we did it all.
I’m becoming resentful, angry, sleepless and anxious.
What the hell do I do?
I’m sorry this is so long. If you’ve taken the time to read it, thank you so much.