Keeping husband’s last name/snark

[Ihavehadenoughalready]

STBX just announced that he is a “firm believer” that for women “giving up on the marriage” (meaning me, evidently), that they should “have to give up the husband’s name”.

I have already told him at least twice that I am not changing my name back due to several reasons, all of which I already discussed with him, and said furthermore, that he had no say in the matter and it’s none of his business what a woman wants to do with her last name.

Then he said once we are divorced, that he will no longer refer to me as a member of the (last name)s, and so then I said, well, if you’re gonna be pissy about it, I’ll insult you as well, so I said “Good luck paying for the house after we’re divorced”. (I make 3X what he does so it’ll be interesting to see how he thinks he can afford the house. I’ve opted for moving to an apartment big enough for me and our three kids).

So he said “what’s that supposed to mean?”

And then I hear my son say as I’m walking away “it means you don’t make enough money, Dad.”

Oh god I can’t wait for this divorce to be over!!

Oh! He just messaged me while i’m In the bathtub now.....he apologizes about the “last name thing”.

I’m not apologizing about the how you gonna afford the house thing, though.

Just try and keep the conflict away from the kids! Hard to bite your tongue sometimes but that comment from your son shows he is very aware of the adult issues 😐

Sounds like you both need to grow up for the sake of your children.

Stop getting into ridiculous, meaningless fights with him in front of your dc. What was the point in arguing about that: something he can't make you do and you've already decided?

Accept the apology and resist the impulse to put him straight about things.

Think about your children here

Come on guys, he's deliberately picking the fights, she's moving out to get distance away from him and that will end the goading. No one's a saint. It may not be a bad thing for the kids to see their mother NOT allowing herself to be a verbal punching bag, with a pithy retort.

I'm not apologizing about the how you gonna afford the house thing, though.
🤣

To be blunt, you sound incredibly petty & immature. You very flippantly describe your son explaining your comment, which shows that you’ve exposed him to your adult issues. You seem to almost be gloating about this.

While I get you may want to keep the same last name as your kids or dislike your maiden name, I can also see why your ex might find it rather odd that you would want to keep being called “mrs x” & can understand his sentiment that you won’t be considered part of “x” family. You’re divorcing & it doesn’t sound so amicable, which likely means in reality no, you aren’t part of that family - if you prefer to pretend that you are by keeping his last name, that’s your prerogative - however it could be seen as petty & controlling to do so.

If he said he wanted you to keep the family name, would you want to change it back to your maiden name? It just sounds a bit like you want to keep the name to be spiteful.

If you hadn’t gloated about your son refereeing your argument then my views might not be so suspicious towards you....

Unfortunately this wasn’t an example of someone standing up for themselves. It was petty tit for tat bickering that the OP, have been given an opportunity to end it, has decided to carry on. It’s a bad example for the children and must be very painful and scary for them to witness.

Just like the ex can’t dictate her name the OP won’t get to dictate the financial settlement. High earners, male and female, usually find themselves paying the lions share of the financial cost of divorce. Pettiness will just make that a much more difficult and protracted process for the OP. So it’s just a shot in foot and the start of more arguments. Stupid behaviour that gains nothing and could cost her.

And I am all for girl power & of course nobody should tell a woman what she should be called ! At the same time when divorcing, reclaiming your birth name can also be seen as empowering - after all, changing your name to husband’s is a traditional thing - you cease to be your own & take on the man’s name. It’s interesting to discuss from a feminist perspective - however from your general tone, I do question the true motives behind you being so insistent to keep your ex husband’s surname.

@lemonTT - yes I agree

If the OP earns 3 x, why is she choosing to leave the family home & take the children ? The way she describes being the main earner & gloating thatcher husband won’t be able to afford th mortgage sounds quite financially controlling & nasty.

If this was reversed, we would be telling the woman to keep the children in the home & the parent moving out should have to keep paying mortgage & child support, etc.

OP you do know if your name is on the mortgage you still are legally liable to make payments right? You don’t get to just stop paying a mortgage if you decide to leave the family home.

I can imagine for a child hearing that dad doesn’t earn enough money & wont be able to keep their family home must be quite distressing.

Your son should never have been put in a position of hearing that or having to explain. Don’t beat yourself up about it or take too heart some of the more harsh mumsnet responses above as it’s a time of high emotions and you are afterall human but you need to not let yourself be provoked like that in the future. Cultivate a paste on smile and cheery ‘we’ll discuss it when the children aren’t present’.

Dont bicker in front of the children. Refuse to engage and keep anything like that for when it's just you two. Won't you have to pay maintenance if you earn so much more than him?

Move on and be happy and let the kids love and respect both parents.

So sad your kids are having to hear that kind of shit
Really damaging

That’s not fair on your poor boy.

Not sure what your reasons are for not reverting to your name but if it’s out of spite I think that’s daft (your thread title suggests it is.) I couldn’t wait to get rid of exh’s name and he was offended but it meant a lot to me.

I bloody love that! 😂
I hope you have a countdown timer for the day the divorce is finalised. What a dick he is!

For your son to say what he did shows he was following the conversation closely. That's really sad. It won't do your children any good to hear the two of you behaving like this.

How old are your kids?

You don't need to tell him any of your plans once, let alone twice; just get on with your life and stop interacting unecessarily.

@HappyMama01 he might be a dick in general, who knows.

This is a spat that shouldn't have happened in earshot of the children. However, what he said doesn't sound particularly controversial. How OP responded was just plain spiteful.

Yep, maybe he deserves it. But I can't see any evidence here that he does.

Well done OP!!

He’s apologised because he knows it’s true and is back peddling

Divorce is so hard on children, it really is the responsibility of the parents to try and make is as easy as possible. Please try and refrain from sly digs and point scoring at this stage - it achieves nothing and can do immense harm to your children. My parents divorce was horrendous and my mums constant bitching about my dad just made it worse.

Well done for not being a doormat, but I think you need to protect your kids more from these arguments

Prawns, I don't see the feminism in going back to what is most likely op's father's name.

Personally I chose to keep my ex's surname cos my maiden name was awful and I wanted to stay the same as my kids. I bloody earned that name by being married to him. :D

@category12 that’s an interesting perspective ! Earning the name lol Yes you’re right, your maiden name is still a man’s name at the end of the day...Am genuinely keen to know how female’s last names are thought of in terms of feminist theory. Only recently identify as a feminist & open to all ideas / opinions. I really like my mother’s maiden name & have considered taking it. Apparently the actress Natalie portman’s Name is her grandmother’s. Though it’s still a man’s name at the end of the day. It’s interesting to think about.

Your son knows everything hears everything and talks to his dad like that! Wow great